Feb 2019 was the first month in so many years that there was
no blogpost from my side. Sometimes I wonder what it is to write a post. Is it
just a habit or is it that I have something to say that just now dies.
I used to have a lot to say at one point of time. Something inside
of me just isn’t there in the blog anymore. I guess it reflects in the posts as
well. I think now that Jispa is old enough to talk to I don’t need to write too
much about it. That also is one thing. The other thing is that for now Jispa is
not even interested in reading my blog. Possibly I realise the folly of writing
so much for so many years. No one reads the blog.
I had made it hidden a few years ago because it started
getting traction on search and people would search for me online and I did not
want them to see this blog. So obviously there is no traffic. Writing is a
lonely thing to do and writing a blog that no one is going to read is an even lonelier
thing to do. Any performer needs an audience to really bring out the best in
them. Without an audience it becomes quite a chore to do.
This is now called a dead end. How to write a blog that you
want people to read but don’t really want all to read. I guess the best
creative outlet for this is to retire this personal blog and to write a public
blog under an anonymous name and allow it to get as much traction that it wants.
Keep everything hidden from public eye and let people find it just for its writing
and nothing else. Or write a blog where my name is exposed but keep everything
else very sanitized. That won’t help too much. Well, we will figure. For now,
this is the blog that you get. Err… who are you? Whom am I writing for?
I think now I writing for someone in the future who might
read this blog. I think secretly I want someone to read this blog sometime in
the future and find it interesting enough to give meaning to them. Possibly a
much older Jispa or possibly my grandkids or possibly after I die this gives
some serious meaning to someone.
The world I pretty funny. The value of something a person
says normally goes up after one dies. Everything is in demand when there is a
finite supply. When one is alive the supply seems infinite. We are unable to
come to terms with our own mortality I think. That way being in a family where
we have enough heart patients is pretty cool. The only thing you live with is
mortality. Everyone is going to pop it sooner than the neighbor. So you live
joking about it. Now on my mind there are other issues.
I have lived healthier than what my father would have lived.
I eat vegan, I exercise and have a good resting heart rate. Still cholesterol seems
to be a bit on the higher side. Blame it one genetics. But I still think this
will result in me outliving my dad. This is going to cause a bit of a pickle in
my life. I have not imagined living old. I don’t have a retirement plan in
mind! What will I do when I retire? All my life I assumed that I am going to be
dead by then. I don’t know if old age is going to be a boon or a bane. Hopefully
I will continue to find work to do or my wife will definitely go insane.
While we are talking about death, let me tell you why death
came to my mind. A few years ago a colleague of mine was admitted to hospital for
a routine surgery. Something went wrong in the anesthesia and tragically he
never woke up. Now as endings go, I find that the most scary ending ever. I don’t
want to go like that. I don’t want to sleep thinking this is routine shit and
not even know that I am dying. Of course, possibly the knowledge of imminent death
through a disease like cancer is possibly even more traumatic but still. This to
my mind is one of the worst ways to go. Possibly next to drowning or something
like that.
So this is on my head now as I am scheduled for a knee
surgery on this Monday. I am never afraid of hospitals and procedures but this
incident, man, its playing on my mind. I have a ligament tear and they are
going to reconstruct the damn thing in 40 minutes. I think this is very cool. I
am loving going under the scalpel. But how do I overcome my fear of being knocked
out for the surgery.
I know, I will overcome that as well. The last time I was
totally stressed and I felt my heart beat was in 1996 (I think) when I had to
meet my future in-laws for the first time. That was a tough one. I overcame
that. This one is going to be easier. Believe me, nothing is scarier that
meeting your in laws for the first time in order to ask their daughters hand.
So there. This is the real reason for the blog. To talk to
myself and feel nice about it. I am feeling much better already. I know it’s an
unreal fear and it’s something I will overcome. But talking to myself about it
and writing about it makes it in many ways more manageable.
Introspection is one the best or possibly the only way for
one to improve. I could either go to the Himalayas (we Indians know only one
place) and meditate or write a blog every day. Writing is a special kind of
ritual. You are forced to write what you think and keep it recorded for
history. If you look at it like this you will doubly careful about the crap you
write. This alone will make you introspect about the thoughts in your head and
you should then ask yourself, will you be proud of them?
But I also appreciate that this won’t work everywhere on
everyone. Otherwise we wouldn’t have so much vitriol on twitter. It’s amazing
how crazy we are. I think we were always crazy but the media in the good old
days was still run by the elite educated liberal secularists. Now everyone with
a mobile has a voice and a chance to be counted upon within the relative obscurity
of their lives.
But still it’s crazy to see twitter in action. Additionally these
days because the right winger have gotten a louder voice which shuts off the liberals.
I can only imagine how easy was it for Nazi Germany to get into power wreak
havoc on the world. Right now for brief period we had the country being fanned
by the right wing to be ready for war. It was so freaking easy!
History must be taught in a different manner in school. History
is all about learning and debate and we make it all about features and dates.
But that is something for another post another date.
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bonus Song
