style bhai

Style is a complicated concept. It is very difficult to understand style in a way we can all appreciate. When someone has style, it is impossible to specify the element of the person that we say best underlines his style. You and me with the same outfit would probably evoke different reactions of style. In fact, with you and me in the same outfit, 20 years ago – for sure the world would have thought of us as siblings. It was not uncommon while we grew up, for a family to buy one long piece of cloth and cut it up in different sizes to clothe the siblings. I think it was in style then. More importantly it was all that could be afforded then I guess. Forget the cost, which parent would worry about individuality when shortages of socialism loomed large.

We came back from the land of plenty (Dubai) to a country sold short on self-reliance. One of the things we got back from Dubai was a lot of cloth pieces. Ironically, they were made in India. India took its best products and simply exported them. This was true for clothing as was for fruits or vegetables. You want to eat /wear quality Indian produce – you go to where the Indian diaspora lived and paid in forex. It was quite often, which can be borne out by the pictures of old, that my brother and I were displayed to be cut from the same cloth. Occasionally my sister also joined in. Same t-shirts, shorts, or themes running through. When you like a t shirt design, you buy three and then – you make them all wear it together for a party -The Doshis, or whoever you were, had arrived.

When you were too young to understand or naive enough to believe in your parents’ judgement of what good look on you, you ended up being proud. Yay – we were The Doshis. I dunno why it but was a proud thing. Possibly because it signaled that we have enough money to get all three kids of ours new clothes. All three together with new clothes would be rarer than what you would think. Most got new clothes on Diwali, which wouldn’t be so uber cool as relatively speaking you weren’t one up on anything. The other day to get new clothes – birthdays! That would be one hell of a task on the parents end to coordinate. Especially when most kids are hatched rather unexpected in those days!

My brother was especially big in style. He liked to be the style guy around town and as soon as he got some sense and some rebellious streak in him, he broke ranks. He refused to wear color coordinated – anything. He wanted to be unique, himself. I was too docile or dumb or one would say above it all to care. I got that only in college when I had a girlfriend I wanted to impress. That she did not care a thing about I wore was a secondary fact in the story. She has probably once or twice in her life ever told me that I look good. Maybe she was being honest, but…

My brother and my sister both wanted to exhibit style. They looked west when the world looked in. after all Dubai returned kids were not to be trifled with. We knew English better than most, we had imported clothes that had been bought in TR, so that the stock lasted. Wait – what’s a TR? Transfer of residence you see. When you move in lock stock and barrel as an NRI you could get your house back home in the transfer of Residence scheme and if you could prove that you were getting things that you actually used – you could get them into the closed economy with relatively less duty and hassle. Relatively is important here. You still had to prove!

Style. Its so funny. It is meant to be individualistic but if you are the only one with it, its not in style. Style is cool as it smacks of individuality and group belonging at the same time. As long as the group is aspirational or edgy. I wouldn’t call gangsta aspirational but its edgy and it can then dictate style. It’s a funny feeling that gives the wearer a confidence like no other. Swag cam much later. We didn’t have Swag, we had style and that was used to define almost anything that smacked of attitude. Style. I am saying in a way that puts the emphasis on the y for a prolonged period. Ya. You got that StYYle. The ‘le’ is almost silent there.

Style was also dictated by the movies. Isn’t it always? Larger than life heroes, waltzing on the screen, dancing away, pulping villains and talking with a Styyle that’s hard to beat. Here is a clip I showed Jispa recently. That’s a dialogue that’s memorable because of the style. It has no substance and in any other context or manner or hero, it would have just sunk. Even today I repeat it with lesser ‘swag’ and it still brings about the same feeling. Here see this –

Didn’t I tell you. It’s a shitty line but its got much style that it became so memorable.

That is the thing with it. Bollywood had such an effect on us that it was hard to miss. I grew up in the age of the three khans – here look at them. Tell me what was common amongst them, that I so bloody couldn’t copy. It was just not possible. Come on take a guess…

No, that’s not it. The thing I could get was their hair. Nice soft, bountiful, manageable, silky floppy hair. What did I have – thick mop of wavy hair that I had no clue what to do with? No matter what shampoo I tried. Some promised to make it smooth and silky, some gave it style and some did… whatever. But mine remained a big messy glop. My mom used to call me a golliwog. You know what that is? It is often accused of being a racist reference in the beautiful children books of Enid Blyton. You know you hit rock bottom when you were darker than your brother and your mom calls you a racist slur! Done. End of story.

I tried my best. I tried conditioning, I tried going to different barbers as I could. I even went to eth expensive ones that stars go to at Bandra. I went to the Oberoi. I went everywhere. But once a goll.. ok. No self pity on this trip.

So I did what all cool kids with un manageable hair do -no, its not ‘put oil’ on it. That don’t work. That’s not style. Oil was …oil. A symbol of the Nehruvian era that we wanted to unshackle, way before Manmohan came along. At best we would allow our self oil only to wash it soon enough as oiled hair when washed turn out smooth. Well most others did. Mine were, by golly, that’s it.. By golly.

So, I decided or so I think now, that hair was just not so cool. Less of it was the best for all. So always the standard line to the barber would be, cut it short buddy. Everyone else would give some instructions, like keep it long on the back, trim from the sides and keep the shape. I was clear – cut it short buddy. I didn’t even bother to see the back side of the hair when he showed it to me after the haircut through a mirror he would hold up. I wonder what good that did once he’s done with the ruthless chopping. Anymore and he would have to use the razor.

And so, that’s me during growing up. Cut it short and tight. Though I do see some pictures of me and wonder – not bad, I did have a nice mop of hair. Joining the NCC was an even better decision thanks to the strict hair cut rules that they had. Unlike other cadets who hate the season as they had to cut their hair – I loved it. A completely great excuse to have a really bad hair cut. The crew cut.

Crew cut is something my dad explained to me. A nice crew cut that would protect soldiers from being pulled by the hair in a fight or simply have less incidence of lice. I liked that hair cut.

And as a logical extension of that, I wanted to go bald once in my life. Yes, not having hair would be so much fun. No shampooing, no combing, no oil, no dandruff and total style. I came close to it on a few occasions. I remember a barber dissuading me and sending me home. Then once before a trip we took to Ladakh, my frond V-inu and me got ourselves a buzz cut. Basically, almost bald – just a little bit of hair. We did not use a razor but a machine to cut it. That was a fun time. It was cold and I was semi bald in Leh! I had enough pictures of me and so I was quite content that I managed to go almost bald and had enough memory of it.

Over the last few years, I have been balding quite rapidly. Largely it’s a classical male pattern balding. Receding from the forehead and then in the form a circle from the back of the head. But my response to that has always been the same. Cut it short buddy. I never did manage to grow it long enough. Sometimes I do think that maybe I should grow it long and tie a man bun or something only to see hair all around the house shed by my lovely ladies and be dissuaded. I have memories of my friends with long hair constantly preening and taking care of it. I am so totally above those mere hair mortals.

With my penchant for short hair, I would constantly look at every opportunity to go to the barber. My wife would look at my hair and wonder and remark – you don’t need to cut them. But the rule was quite simple, if it touched the ears it needs to be snipped. The lockdown was the first time that I was forced to grow my hair to any decent length, especially over the ears. At first, I tried managing them, then I had to use hair cream, then I had to resort to constantly comb them. It was funny. I would comb them and show my daughter – Jispa did you actually ever notice that I have wavy hair. I would show my wavy hair to her as they were neatly combed. They would wave in unison like water at sea with the last bits sticking out.

This hair reminded me of my dad. His were curlier than mine but in some ways when he used to comb them, I could see those curls at the back of his head. Mine were so bloody similar. It was fun looking at them. But I couldn’t handle them for this long. I was growing tired of them.

I had bought a hair trimming machine; more like a beard trimming machine. I have used for long, enough to get the battery spoilt. I must keep charging it if I want to use it and charge wouldn’t hold long enough. So in spite of knowing this pit fall, I tried my hand at trimming my hair on my own.

Soon enough I did well to mess up the event. In any case, I always get tired of looking at myself for long. I can’t shave for long, or comb for long, or dress for long. I find looking at the mirror very narcissistic. In a few imnutes I was bored and boom, I just started cutting my hair completely. The trimmer ran out of charge, refused to cut properly, I could get to the ends and I had to call for professional help. Jasmine.

I got her in and asked to give me the complete treatment. I wanted to SHAVE my head totally. That’s the right way to do it. No pussy footsy trimmer hair – I want a total bald plate. It took us sometime, but we got it done. Finally, for the first time in my life I could fulfill my dream. I was bald. Totally completely. What a fun!

Just get under the shower and no more shampoo. Take a face wash and extend the surface area of application. Its too cool. I could feel the breeze over the head in the balcony in the evening. Simply apply some moisturizer as well in a similar way and we are ready for the day. What a revelation.

It’s a nice feeling. So many people are afraid to do it to their hair. I don’t know where they loose their confidence on this. I didn’t. I went to office, pretty cool and I even changed my whatsapp DP to show it off. And for good measure, I have kept a stubble wit it. Bald plate and a stubble, two things I wanted all my life in one go. I have finally arrived in life. Style became me. Swag became me.

Here take a look. Cool nah?

breathe easy kid

Yesterday Jispa wanted to talk to us regarding her education and the colleges she wanted to take admission in after finishing her 12^th here. As parents this has been a reasonably tough ordeal. Understanding which colleges are good and which ones are not so.  Which subjects she wants to take up and which subject she wants to graduate in.

This is obviously so new for us. The expenses are tremendous and could potentially destroy the family budget and a few years ago, I had no clue how I would ever be able to even afford something like this. We thought a lot about it, and I have had such swinging opinions on this. When the discussion first came up, I was clear. There would be an ROI attached to this. I would give / rather loan her the money and then she would have to return it back to her mom in some way over the years.

I was clear at the time. going abroad was no small thing. It was meant to be a big investment. I would only allow it if it was the big universities that I could name. I would only allow US. It would only be if she is take up a STEM stream or a medicine or something in which she would be able to rise and make a mark for herself and such. I wasn’t going to spend that money on small education.

Over these years we have grown much smarter about the process and the whole big decision. So when yesterday she asked us that she needs to speak to us, we were much prepared. Jasmine and I have had so many conversations on this. It helped us clear our minds and take a bit of a relaxed approach. Having a sensible conversation with her school counsellor helped as did taking to sensible people who have done the same before.

Yesterday while talking to her we laid out the rules. Number 1 – go study but study what you want to and what you feel most passionate about. If sports science is right now your passion, then sports science is what you should do. Go and study sports science. Don’t bother about your job, your pay, your prospects. Follow the love of your life. If today I had to live my life again, I would have studied History and Anthropology. I would have never done commerce and accounting. Whatst he worst that would happen? You will come back to India. You are better than 99.9% Indians and I cant vouch for that. You will do well for sure. Suppose you come here, you can work with lots of aspiring atheletes and work with them and take them to the next level. Sure the monies wont be that great and that you will have to live with your parents for a bit but who says that you would not be successful. Once Jasmine’s uncle gave me a piece of advice that I did not pay heed to but I now agree. Naukari – no kari. It means  - job – never do.

He said that he ate bananas for lunch but he refused to take up a job. He set up his own business. I think if I would have set up my own business, I surely would have been successful in whatever I would have done over a period of time. I could have been successful as a 22 year old starting off or a 30 year old or a 40 year old. I am betting that I will be a successful 50 year old man as well when I start. Right now, I have ideas buzzing but I am not pushing for them as I can’t afford it.

As a businessperson when I was young, I couldn’t fail and that meant I could not start. That’s why I started working on a job and a corporate career. For you, you don’t have that silly thing holding you back. You can start slow, do what you love. You don’t have to be independent. DO whatever you love and if you are smart you will be successful. It may take time, but you will get there soon enough. If its what you love you won’t bother.

What’s the worst that can happen. You come back to India and you do an MBA. You follow my footsteps and get a job in India. That’s also not so bad. You can start your life this way. Who cares. You just might have to stay in my house longer than you care for. That’s it. So when you are choosing your college – take the subject you want and see if they offer it. Go to the UK, Canada, US or Australia but please do what you want and try for the best school that will offer you that specialisation. After that – you hate your subject – change it. But please study what you want to and not what you have to. I don’t need your money. I need you to be happy.

That was quite a speech. Its amazing how my attitudes changed. I just want her to study well in the field that she chooses. I think that if you do that, you will enjoy the rest of your life. I was lucky I found marketing in my life later. I think I was good at this and I kind of love what I do. Its fun.

These days I am in charge of a sales team directly and I am trying to get them to run. Trying to understand the complexities and giving them the ammunition to attack. Its going to be fun.

This is when work doesn’t feel like work. It feels more fun. That keeps me going. I can take more shit around the work and the people that come with it. Because its fun and you can escape all that by working on more fun things to be done while working. That’s what I love.

Coming to which I came across a term called email apnea. It seems that people stop breathing or have shallow breaths when answering emails or texts. That’s right. This is a scientific thing. “Salzberg talked about email apnea (or screen apnea), a finding by Linda Stone, a writer, researcher, and former executive at Apple and Microsoft . Stone noticed that a majority of people (possibly eighty percent) unconsciously hold their breath, or breathe shallowly, when responding to email or texting.”

“…that holding one’s breath contributes to stress-related diseases and disturbs the body’s balance of oxygen, carbon dioxide, and nitric oxide, which help keep the immune system strong, fight infection, and mediate inflammation. It can affect our well-being and our ability to work effectively. Shallow breathing can also trigger a sympathetic nervous system “fight or flight” response. If we stay in this state of emergency breathing and hyperarousal for extended periods of time, it can not only impact sleep, memory, and learning, but also exacerbate anxiety and depression.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-art-now/201411/email-apnea

This is serious. I see this in myself. I have to try and control this. This also happens while TEXTING. I think we need to breathe a lot more while working. I need to breathe while thinking, talking and working in general. Luckily I have this condition that any stress reflects in my lower back and it starts acting up. I have learnt to immediately start breathing and it goes away. Remember to breathe.

After the chat with Jispa, I was so happy and proud of what Jasmine and I had become as parents. We could finally allow Jispa’s wings to pop out unfettered. It was just beautiful. I could say what I could because we have had so many conversations on this. Quite bedside conversations on what on earth would we do? How we would go about this?

Only by having innumerable conversations, our heads turned from the transnational nature of what we were thinking to the more core learning nature of her education. Study for study sake. Because  you love the subject you should study more of it. That simple. The joy of learning.

This has helped us breathe more. And will help us breathe in easy in the future.

conflicts everywhere, resolutions there

I do not know after 17 years of handling my little baby if I even understand her. My guess is that she for sure thinks we do not. She is simple and complicated at the same time. On the face of it, Jispa is extremely uncomplicated as an individual. She doesn’t get involved in many issues. She is not troubled too much by things around her and broadly she lives her life untouched by other people’s opinions.

On the other hand, some of her decisions and her mood swings we find difficult to predict or understand. I think 17-year olds everywhere are complicated people. And they have been so for ages. Its not an easy time. Even for Jispa.

I am also very conflicted on how to treat her  - adult or not. I am inclined to step off the pedal and Jasmine is inclined to stay on it. These causes a different set of complications. I think when you have one child the parental involvement in your child goes up and I think you are less likely to give more freedom to your child. We end up trying to control a larger swath of her daily life.

I have always been conflicted on this. Do I let her be and let her decide or stop her from hurting herself and doing silly things? Jispa is always fighting for her independence. I don’t know. Should we, should we not.

Every time I think we should let go, Jasmine says, that last one year. Lets just get her across the finishing line and we are done then. Why let go of it now after 17 years. Ya. It a valid argument. Our investment in her future is significant from an emotional standpoint. Surely she can handle one more year of us.

Her 18^th birthday is coming up this August. Man, after that its going to be a hell hole for us. Jispa is desperate to learn driving. I don’t know how good I will be as a teacher. How anxious I would be. Its going to fall on me to teach her. Jasmine will not be anywhere inclined to take up this task. This is going to be a severe test of my mental skills. The nest test is going to be equally fun. Would I give her the car to drive once I have taught her to? Oh boy oh boy. How is that going to happen? Which car would I give her? My bigger one or Jasmine’s smaller one. And how am I going to sit while Jasmine corrects her while she is driving.

Jasmine is a funny animal. She will be involved, want to be involved, itches to be involved but is so frustrated with Jispa that she will not teach her. Then little by little the pressure builds up and she uses a wrongly timed opportunity to speak up and then all hell breaks loose with Jispa. I predict this is going to happen in driving as well. It will be my job to teach and then suddenly once, Jasmine will start correcting Jispa and boom.

Not that Jasmine is wrong. Her observations are acute and very valid. Its her timing and delivery that is the issue most of the time. She will give it when she wants to and not when you ask for it. It’s a dark comedy that happens, which takes some maneuvering to either avoid or get out of.

Its so funny that when outside in you see, it looks like I am the aggressive one amongst the trio but as I have explained to Jispa many times, its Jasmine’s quiet aggression and doggedness that led Jispa to where she is right now, as far as her swimming, schedules, training and commitment goes. I would have slacked off way earlier if it were left to me.

These are some of the funny contradictions that a family lives with. There are so many weird combinations and complications that are best left unravelled. Right now, we have my mom staying with us. She has been staying alone for years now after she threw out both her sons. We went and set up our lives separately while she lived on her own. Over a period of time we managed to blow hot blow cold in our relationships and now we have reached fair degree of comfort in how we dal with each other.

When she threatened to throw us out for the umpteenth time, I had decided that from now on I will not fight with her come what may. So, over the years, I never ever fought, no matter what she did. Same with Jasmine. We realised there was no point fighting. We carried on and focussed on our life.

We built our house, our lives, our principals on our own. Its been a great journey. Its nice that in times like this because of how we handled ourselves, we were able to move on and get her over to live with us. That’s important. It’s a hell to be alone and quarantined like thus. Its nice to have your family together in such circumstances.

Again – its easy for me to get along with my mom and let bygones be bygones. I am amazed how Jasmine is able to handle that as well. Some of the stuff that happened was not pleasant from both our perspectives. I think its an interesting example for the rest and for our lives.

I think it is never correct to be bitter about anything and to rather have an easy disposition. You just accept and move on. You learn that it may not be the best for you at this time and that its ok. There is no reason to burn any bridges and be any bitter about your experiences. I think my mom is realising this as I am as well.

The only credit I give myself as I remember the moment years ago, as I had decided to leave the house, I promised to myself – I will not fight with mom. This one held on for years and it has still borne fruit. How do I do it to the rest of the world. I envy people who just refuse to fight any one anywhere in their lives. Cool calm people. I hate you guys. You guys by your mere presence make me feel like shit.

Its ok. I bring energy and life and action to my everyday life. My mom is also happy that while she is staying with us she is happily entertained. There is never a dull moment. I am talking, doing, fighting, boxing with Jispa, making fun of Jasmine – something or the other. She can’t believe how unlike each other; her two sons are. Placid lake versus raging storm.

There so many opposites – so much reconciliation.

NOW

Getting stuck at home for 40 days is a real bummer. Mentally it’s a very tiring thing to do. Sit at home and get stuck on a computer with tons of video calls. Wow that is so tiring.

When I was very young, they dreamt of video phones. Phones on which there would be a tiny screen where you could talk to people and see them at the same time. I thought that was a very sci fi thing to happen. I could never believe that this was even possible. Now I am on video calls  whole day long with so many people on it.

We always had Microsoft teams software on the laptop and I wondered why we ever would want it? Now we do so many meetings on teams that’s it gets a bit tiring. But I guess this big event will change the way we fundamentally work. With all this software, we have all now learnt how to use it and be comfortable with it. I guess we won’t be travelling for work meetings for a long time. People will be lets just VC and don’t bother to meet face to face.

This is a good thing. I learnt this from all the startup guys over the last few years. They were all into VC for demo, meeting, everything. So, in my last company I was the only ‘dude’ who was comfortable over VCs. Then a few more in my office got the bug. But it remained a bit of an odd man. Most still wanted to meet the guy on the other side.

This is the third big wave I have had the privilege of seeing in the last 5 years. Three events have happened that changed the behavior of a billion people. First was when demonetization happened. It took a lot of money out from cash and put it electronically. There was a stupid cost that the economy was to pay but it brought to a lot of people the power of electronic cash. It change the behaviour and pattern for a lot of people.

Second – was the Jio launch. Jio essentially made data ridiculously cheap on mobile for entire India. It brought data to a lot of people. People just showed that when access to free data they can consume like crazy. Information and entertainment reached almost everybody I know. This was the big change. Before the Jio launch, mobile and desktop traffic was about 55-45 in mobile favor. After the launch it zoomed to 70 to 80% in favor of mobile.

People consumed everything on the mobile. And the business model had to be changed for every firm. If you are not on the mobile, then you are nowhere. Even today people and businesses don’t design for the mobile screen. Even when data is staring them in the face. I just don’t get it. I have had to lose my cool on so many issues and people when planning for the mobile first world. Sighhhhh.

This is the third big immediate shift that we are seeing. This will be hard on a lot of people. Its going to be difficult for the economy to come back. People are going to be displaced. Jobs will go and people will be forced to reimagine their lives in new ways. It is said that it takes 21 days to form a habit or kick a bad habit. We have going to be locked out for 40 days. A lot of habits are going to change. Lets see how the rebound is. Will businesses change forever, will people change forever, or we will just remember it like a wonderfully crazy dream that happened in the past.

Whatever – its interesting to have lived through these times. Our parents talk about the emergency in 77 or the wars that we had. We will talk about moments like this – when overnight money was poof, everyone was mobile and the world was inside, scared. Wow. I just hope that we come out of this relatively unscathed and then we should be happy about these times and would talk about them with fond memories.

The other thing we have been lucky in our family is that I amassed a big range of games to play. A lot of board games. So that’s a good thing but also, I don’t think my family love sit as much as I do. Sure, they play but it’s not like a highlight for them as it is for me. I love playing these games and it gives me great joy to play/ win lose fight and have a jolly good time. I would love it if I could retire and continue to wake up, play badminton, go to Starbucks drink coffee (yes, I am dreaming), read a few books, have a few meetings to help startups, teach a few colleges, play board games, swim in the evening and then go to sleep. That’s my retirement plan.

I never thought that I would plan for retirement nor did I ever think that I would retire. But I guess this is my dream retirement. Travel the world? I dunno. I don’t have that big ambitions. I would rather play my life, mentally and physically and get tired by the end of the day.

BTW an old friend popped up. After a long time. She had done some courses in yoga and then learnt about beinga teacher and the she did special yoga therapy and boom she is some fancy ass teacher who can do therapy and heal you. Randomly she decided to help me with my knees, post op. That was mighty kind of her.

She was a good friend, probably still is but we aren’t in touch and I think when we do randomly connect, we just kind are kinda warm towards each other. Not much to say or share, just a warm nice hello. But that’s not the story. The story is that she is a really good therapist. I am so amazed. Suddenly at the age of 33 or so she decided to do this, change her profession and dedicate herself to this. Wow.

At first, I was like – there is no way I can do something like this. But when I thought a bit about it. Well, well, that is exactly what I have done. I went after digital, learnt new tricks and transformed my skill sets and redefined my career. Ok. But I am still might impressed with her. And yes, I feel very nice when an old friend calls you to help you out – unconditionally.

Randomly another friend called me – this one is plague. This one is a multi-level marketing guy looking to sell you something on the side to make money. You are nothing but a sales pitch. Oh god, does he not know he is so predictable? Does he not know?

But you get all types. All experiences. It’s a good thing. These are interesting times. Hopefully we come out stronger. Yup, I have faith in the power of the human being if left to his own imagination. We will have to work extra hard to be on top of the change we see. It’s difficult but it’s not that impossible. I did it, she did it. You do it. Now.

no 'more coffee'

Coffee increases heart rate I think. The research if iffy but  most of tem seem to agree that there is some effect there. Yesterday I had coffee day. One coffee in the morning and then some more in the evening. Th evening coffee was a potent brew.

We were out of fresh coffee so I remembered one shop selling tea and coffee open during the lockdown. I guess they are essential activities for most. Coffee and tea. I went there only to find that he was telling me that the coffee is all over and they are getting no fresh stock. He asked me to try in a few days. While I was walking back home, suddenly I could get a strong smell of coffee. I stopped in my tracks and was wondering where it came from. I couldn’t see any shop open. Just then I saw a few meters ahead, hidden, a small shop selling coffee. Part of the chain of shops called Phillip tea and coffee, this guy was grinding fresh bean. Wow.

I went up and asked. He was grinding his top bean called the highlander at 700 bucks a kilo. I took a kg of his stuff and went home. This smelt potent. I mad ethe coffee in the traditional filter and had it in the evening. That is the last time I am having coffee as strong as that when I have nothing much to do. In a few hours I felt my heart rate just go up a bit. Nothing alarming but I now wanted something to do.

I couldn’t walk around; I couldn’t read anything – I was just sitting there, and my mind was racing. In these difficult times, the only thing I was thinking about was, how screwed we were with Covid. I could only think that the worl dis going to run into chaos and anarchy and that we will all be out of job. Luckily over the years I know when I am getting negative. I can see myself doing it.

Immediately I tried to snap out of it. First thing – admit to myself I am negative; then admit to Jasmine I am negative. Then think through – A ha – it’s probably the coffee and nothing to channelize the thinking and time and energy. Acceptance is important.

Negative zones are difficult zones. Its not easy. Years ago, I remember my brother helping me realise negative zones. There was a friend of his who would talk negative all the time. And we would make fun of it. He would invite him over and purposely start a conversation. Then when he left we would laugh like crazy. I have learnt not to be like that. And more importantly avoid people like that.

When my friends talk negative, I try and run away from them. I try and stop them from being too bitter or too negative a zone. Sometimes I too get there. You can’t avoid slippages. What you can is acknowledge them. Try and understand where they come from. For me Covid is a genuine crisis. Its too big and large to disappear. For the first time in humankind and economics, there had been a disruption/ displacement of labour, capital and Land (I substitute land for physical elements of the supply chain). All three are disrupted and people have left consumption.

It is probably great for the environment but as economics 101 goes, we are up shit creek. Maybe we will come back from it. May be there will be price to be paid and sacrifices taken. May be some will be more affected than most others. Maybe we will all come out of it better and stronger. Or we come out of it just slightly bruised. But my learnings and thinking and what I know – I don’t think so. I think the probabilities are stacked against us as a race. The disruption will be large as I see it.

I think I am strong enough to survive. I think I am bold enough to take challenges head on. I think we have saved enough to manage tough times. When I sit back and think – nah – I think I get by. At worst it will be tough, but I think with my thinking and clarity – we should be able to make it through.

The challenge is not the external circumstances. The challenge is internal. If I am negative before the shit hits, then I am lost. When it hits, I must be positive. I must face it and navigate. One reason I have not given away any of my old books is so that if there is ever a situation where I don’t have enough money – I will reread all of them. Its funny but that I how I think.

I like being prepared for the worst. I normally think the tough decisions in my life quietly and only open my mouth when I am in a better frame. Typically, I like to imagine worst case situation. When stress levels go up, I only think – worst case, what is the worst that can happen. I try and think of that, then I imagine how I will react. Then I imagine if I would be ok (I am always ok) and then its good. Now go to sleep.

When I wake up, I am happy, positive and able to take on the shit that the world throws me. I am sure more stuff that’s bad will happen to me. It will happen to all of us. I can only hope that I am prepared and more important positive in the light of this. I want to die a happy man not an irritating senile man who is pissed with the world. The point of life is happiness, not crankiness and definitely not negativity.

Understanding this about myself is one of the greatest gifts I feel I have. Being able ot know, I am angry, being able to see I am negative and that I want to do something about it. I would have loved to be a positive at all times person but that would mean that there is no difference between me and an optimistic Bambi. Ups and downs are part of life – you can only choose your reaction to it. Choose well. You have to live with it.

this model is so hot

Netflix is an irritating thing. Getting something that all three of us can watch together is painful. Many years ago, I had very little patience for a series. Who is going to watch so many episodes on one topic? Aren’t movies easier and more varied. Now I understand how Netflix works. A series helps you shortlist once, and if you like it – you need not invest so much time in choosing again and again – you simply keep watching the series and the seasons.

Also having a series allows the storyteller to keep the timing and pace of the story without worrying about the time constraints. The only constraint being the plot line and the general pace of the story. They seem to be a boon for a lot of independent story tellers. You can now have a niche story idea that is likely to bomb on the big screen but can find a nice niche cult following online. Be ready for more edgy creative work to be shown.

The one problem I seem to have with a large number of series is the sheer amount of random nudity that they put upfront. I am beginning to see a pattern in this. You show enough of nudity and sex upfront in the series and then the second season is when you show the story without the distraction of nudity and sex. The director uses shock and awe.

I am mot against nudity by itself or even sex, but it has to be there to take a story forward and it has to be tastefully done. Possibly its my age talking, but I see no reason for half the scenes. That bugs me. If its there for a purpose and it used smartly then its good, otherwise it a bloody pain. Why have it? Especially if the director is trying to showcase his good story telling skills. No problem of sex scenes in popcorn entertainment movies or series – its there for a cause. But not required in most series.

The best series that Jispa and me cant have enough of is ‘Shark Tank’. We can binge watch that episodes on end. It always a fun thing to watch. I think it draws people in. We like to watch and comment on the ideas presented and we think through on the possibilities it can have. Who will fund what and is it an interesting idea? Will it do well. Would I buy it. And then should I take that offer or should I negotiate. It’s a very tightly edited show with some real fun ideas.

I was teaching Jispa at the start the terms and the thing with equity and debt. How to look at the deal and what is it that you should focus on. It was fun teaching her stuff and watching it together. One of the things that comes naturally to me is Equity and accounts. I get the value of money, stake and business. Much better than most others. Its an understanding of it at an abstract level that counts.

Many Saturdays, I sit with a friend of mine (he is much older than me) and we discuss his business – it worth a whole lot. I like that. We sit and he takes me through his ideas and thought process and I give me inputs. I talk about some of my issues and we have a nice conversation. It keeps me at the ringside of a lot of developments in the tech side as well gives the best seat in the house as to how a business does. The decisions made and the consequences thereof. Last Saturday he asked me some question as regards money investments of the firm and at first I simple told him thanks and that it is flattery to me that you even asked me for my opinion on this.

He said – no, I like to ask you because you think very different. You have a way of thinking and putting things in perspective. Well yes. I think I do. I think very different than most others. For me a lot of my life decisions are mental models. As long I get my mental model right then I am happy taking my decisions.

Right now, I am sitting on cash in hand. I was wondering if not to invest. It’s a question of a mental model. If you have your model right, then whatever choice you make it will work for you. Life isn’t about right choices or wrong choices. We never know for sure what the opposite is there for us. We don’t really know what we will do sitting in one place or the other. We must keep mental models that keep us sane as regards the choices we make. That ensures we sleep at night and eat in time.

Going for my knee surgery was more a question of the mental model I had in mind and the risks I could take because of it. Deciding on the job change is also a question of the mental model. Same with almost every decision you take. I think my mental models have always helped me with my choices. They make sense of the universe for me. Rather they help the universe make sense of me.

Coming back to Netflix. I find myself drawn to any series that has some real story behind it. Like Crown or Narcos or World War or anything. Jasmine was telling me that I like to watch fighting and war. The truth is that I like history. It teaches a lot. So good historicals make me feel less guilty of spending hours in front a TV. AT least in the end you have something to take forward.

I think any good story has a lot to take forward for the listener/viewer. I must not deride fiction thus. But Fiction has less of an allure for me. I can handle a movie, but a fiction-based series soon bores me. I feel that the writer / director is making a mockery of me. I feel they are simply stretching an idea who time passed long ago.

I think me watching a history based or a reality-based story is just a mental model that is keeping me relatively guilt free while watching the telly. Also, I may add, these mental models aren’t beautiful models thought our before I take a decision. I think a lot of these come in to play once the decision is done. A lot of the times, they are simply justifying my decision in the best possible way so that it looks all scientific to me. I am ok with that and fooling myself with it.

Because if you have a model, you are basically giving logic to a decision. This logic you will hold in your brains. Then as the circumstances of your decisions unfold, you have model to hold them against. Did the thinking hold. Did the rationale work. Your model made in hindsight or not at least gives you an idea of what it did for you. How did it fare. This makes your future decision making a bit smarter. You have some models of the past to work with. That makes your future a bit smarter. I didn’t say happier – just smarter. Feel smarter.

All this just makes the Venn diagram of you and the universe, sensible and within control. Some people are happy ceding control and some people like me -believe we have some degree of control. To each his own. This is what works for me. You have to find out what works for you – Narcos or Game of Thrones. Both are such glorious waste of time or a lesson in human behaviour.

You choose. Because you the truth – your choice doesn’t matter. You have no clue of the counter. There – Opposites have reconciled in my head. Hopefully – I have messed up yours.

BTW – on Netflix – Jispa then asked me which movies we could see together. She wanted Bollywood movies. I chanced upon the crazy beautiful movie – Kapoor and Sons. We laughed crazy. Especially at the scenes where the director uses so many tools at his disposal to heighten the tension between the characters of a dysfunctional family. Twice he uses it in the movie to great effect. It’s a must see.

Here is the scene if you want to just see one small sneak peak. So much tension and so damn funny.

joy to ego

Yo. Mental state is such a fickle thing. So many things affect it. We are unable to understand how it really works and how it affects us, there are so many variables. And its not like its in your control and that you have ot be aware. Even if you are aware there is very little to do anything about it. Because ta the time you are so consumed by it that even if aware you are helpless.

When you are angry, you know you are angry, you know it’s bad for you and the other person, but still you let anger take control. Then it takes some serious will power to control it. Sometimes the will power itself exhausts you and that causes more trouble. My god this is such a tough thing.

I have also learnt that mental state is also affected by the food we consume. For me – coffee is a big thing. Caffeine has such a positive influence on me, its amazing. It drives away lethargy and keeps my mind active and I like to do work. I genuinely enjoy the caffeine kick I get. Be it from a coca cola or from a coffee. Coffee highs are brilliant.

But like my lactose problem I have also seen a coffee problem. If I have coffee two days in a row I am jammed. I get withdrawal on the third day. I must have coffee, or I get a splitting headache. So I keep a gap of at least one day in the middle before I have another coffee. Now my body is getting used to thing. It now craves coffee every 48 hours if that is what I train it for. Man.

Now I have to keep confusing the body on the caffeine dependency. Sometimes, one day, sometimes two, sometimes a three day gap, nothing predictable and routinised. I know it sounds funny, even I don’t believe it but my body just adapts to this.

I get very angry with this. I am lactose intolerant which I have learned to live with. No complaints there. Life goes on. Then I realised I can digest certain pulses. They give me gas and the gas gives me a subsequent migraine type headache. Not very bad but irritating enough. Then, damn you, I realised that I can’t handle potatoes. WTF. Potatoes. Now this is the limit. No pulses, no milk products and no potatoes. And coffee which must be timed. I can’t be living. I am dead man walking.

The last thing I know need is gluten intolerance. Then we are done. End of story. Eat fresh air and love long!

The plus side – I probably eat much better thanks to all these restrictions. Less fatty foods and more simple nice food. This is a good thing – but that doesn’t mean I am happy. But the most irritating one for me is the coffee. I WANT COFFEE EVERYDAY.

Jasmine view on this is simple. Drink it every day. If you are drinking there is no issue. You get coffee everywhere; you get coke everywhere. Drink it and feel happy. Why you so upset. You only get a headache if you DON’T drink it. For drinking it there is no issue.

Arrrggh. I don’t know what the right logic on this is. Drinking it or not. On one hand I hate to be dependent on anything, but on the other, it’s a simple joy of life that I can have for myself. I genuinely love coffee. I don’t smoke or drink or eat crazy expensive foods everyday. I wear cheap 10$ watches and I wear the same jeans for years on end. Why would I not give myself some simple joys.

I think I should try this. Everyday morning pour myself a nice cup of coffee and enjoy my life. A cup of coffee can’t kill you. Still – my ego to not be dependent on anything comes in my way of adopting this life. I can’t get this. Ego versus joy. What must win? I am so conflicted on this one. Let me see.

AI cooking?

“No don’t get the fried stuff” “why?” “because we don’t want it” “but last time you saw the chips packet you guys hammered it down and finished it. You guys eat it.” “ya, exactly. We eat it. Doesn’t mean we want it. We don’t want it. We don’t want to eat it and so please don’t get it home. Right now we are enjoying eating home cooked food and good food through the day. We will eat fruits. Whatever. But please don’t get the fried stuff.”

Jasmine is the ever care giver. She sees what her babies eat and takes that as the cue to what they really want to eat. For years her strategy isnot to really ask us. We always give the wrong answers, she contends. She sees how we react and then she figures. By now she knows under which circumstances Jispa will eat more food. She knows that when she serves hot rotis I eat a few more. Which is a problem. I don’t want to eat more. I eat more because she is making them. It’s a circular thing.

Nothing worries Jasmine more than seeing an empty bowl of food after dinner. “Oh. You want more, should I make something.” “NO.. I don’t want more. I was just trying to finish the food you made. I thought instead of throwing it, since its less, I thought I will eat it and finish it.” So now when I finish the bowl I make it a point to first ask everyone if someone wants and state that I don’t want and then with the mandatory disclaimers, I finish the bowl. I don’t want it, its extra but still I am having it. Then it works.

While writing this, I realised an interesting problem of artificial intelligence. Hmmm. This is the same problem that Ai would face while decoding human behaviour. AI is very similar to Jasmine. It seeks to capture exhibited behaviour and response to stimuli. It doesn’t ask the consumer what he/she wants. Its simply sees behaviour / stimuli and adjusts accordingly.  This way it understands you better than what you do of yourself.

This is the hallowed promise of AI. But in this is also the curse of AI. It will seek only exhibited behaviour and not consider motivation behind the behaviour. This could be the achilles heel of the Ai as we implement it. While doing one AI project, I realised that one of the problems that AI had was that basis behaviour we would give out stimuli and basis the stimuli we would see further behaviour. This seemed to me a self-fulfilling prophesy. The whole problem would be that if we are stuck in a behaviour and stimuli that is of our doing – we will miss if there is a behaviour outside of the proverbial well. That’s why I insisted on inserting trojans - Randomly generated stimuli even if it against the data of the behaviour. This way we would also be able to catch a random trend starting. So just because a type of behaviour was not seen so far doesn’t mean it doesn’t get captured.

It’s a bit tricky to understand. To simplify – the AI may start seeing that every time Jasmine makes hot roti, they eat more. So, it churns out more and more hot rotis not knowing that possibly sometimes or every once in a while, Jasmine should churn out Hot Rice to see what happens. Are bored of hot rotis or a new trend towards brown rice is coming in that the AI doesn’t catch as the current data continues to show upticks. It’s what I would call a ‘staying in the well’ syndrome.

The other thing I realise while writing this blog is that the AI must consider human motivation for behaviour. So, while I am eating more rotis, is it that I really want to eat more just because they are hot. May be a deeper insight into the behaviour of me eating more can be taken in. Possibly I love eating rotis but more importantly I want Jasmine to eat along with me. I don’t mind eating a roti less. Understanding this is a crucial dimension for AI going forward.

Simply blindly following correlation over causation will only take you this far. You easily find yourself on top of the curve that has flattened and leave you with no growth opportunity. Combination of trojans and insights and research can add into the mix so as to code for growth that is break through instead of just paying lip service to ‘I have implemented AI’.

Most CEO’s do not understand this and simply expect an AI engine to ingest more variables. They like saying we have AI and that we have ingested 5000 points of data. It sounds very good and it a good lie to perpetrate but it’s just that – a lie. AI would need some serious soul searching on behalf of the coders and marketing nut cases to make it work. I shudder to think of what would happen over a period as I exited my previous company where I created this juggernaut.

Sometimes I feel like a physicist who cracks the code for energy is dismayed to see it being used for weapons of mass destruction. I create an AI engine to see the top use it for random things. They just don’t understand it. Then I connect it to a mass communication system only to see that they will use it to think through wrong conclusions and send wrong communication to a wrong audience and overdo to kill it. Entropy is real.

So coming back – Jasmine is enjoying the fact that during this lock down she is able to feed us hot rotis and we are fighting back by stating upfront exactly how many we will eat. This way its in control. And both win. Plus I sit to eat a little late – I keep telling her that I will sit only delaying it enough so that when she done making my hot rotis I will have at the table eating her dinner with me.

I really care about talking to her more than I care about getting fatter. Wouldn’t you agree?

its the same...

Well hello.

Its been a while and there are so many updates. But you don’t really care about my updates do you. I don’t – that’s more important. I think I have lost the art of writing a blog. Its difficult. I remember how I used to write. It would be a random thought or an experience that would set me off and I would keep that in my mind when I reach the computer – dying to write about the experience.

Without that little germ of a thought its pretty pointless to write anything. I could just ramble on and bore the readers on the fact that I want to write – but I cant , blah blah blah.

There  are a lot of interesting experiences that have happened to me  or us that I could write about. Some profound and some that I find erudite. So there is the Corona lockdown that I could talk about, how I feel, how the world is; and within that there ae schisms in society around communal lines. A lot of my friends/ acquaintances are so polarised in their hatred of Muslims that I find it quite amusing at best and disgusting at the least.

But more important than that is the fact that we are in a 21 day lock down and I really read on how we will get the economy going after that. I see a huge pain. Huge. I am not sure if I will have a job or the salary that I get currently in three months. The pains are real, the economy is screwed, and companies will go through a really tight squeeze. I don’t think we have ever seen a squeeze this large and I don’t anticipate going through it without significant pain. Land (goods and services), labour, capital, are all under severe stress and a major realignment of resources is going to happen. I don’t know which companies or industries will come back form this stronger.

Small businesses even though unleveraged depend on daily cash flow for salaries and a month out without receivables is an impossible thing to recover from. Keynes spoke about the economic cycle and that it must always be oiled and any stoppage must be kickstarted by government spending. But this is crazy. We are seeing forces of economic activity being stopped in totality for an extended period of time. Our politicians don’t know what’s going to hit them when we start. Cash (and gold) will remain good. I see stress on everything else.

But that, however erudite is not what I learnt this week. I learnt something more. Something very profound. I learned that human behaviour is same and that by and large the ups and downs that we go through in life remain same from generation to generation. It will take many many years and inter galactic events to change these emotions a human goes through.

Jispa is 17 (almost 18) and I keep telling her that she is not much different from what we were as kids. We too believed that our parents don’t understand us and that we suffocate in their thoughts and actions. We are independent smart and young kids. We believe that we can change the world, but the damn world – its conspiring to stop us. What are these thoughts. The same thing repeated after 27 years. Same shit.

I am sure my dad went through teenage pangs himself as I did and so will my child and those that follow her. My dad did not talk about his childhood much and his teen years. I know that he was a good boy and studied well but then he didn’t study too good in engineering and hepicked up smoking and drinking as well. What I must say that before I was born for sure he gave up on smoking and somewhere soon after – he gave up drinking. I have a vague memory of opening the fridge as a 5 years old to see green beer cans. But not much memory of that soon after.

But he did speak a lot about office and the politics he faced. That was universal. The pyramid was there then and it is there now. People dragging people up, and down, mentors made, enemies made, jealousy seen and back biting / stabbing rampant. People are the same. I was telling Jispa that the world hasn’t changed too much.

 The way it comes out maybe different, but the broad strokes are the same. I see other kids, kids under me, my friends. They are also going through similar trials. It’s the same over the years. No matter what it is you are going through, you can bet on it that something similar happened to someone before. Its remarkably the same, whether its relationships, struggle, work, friends or whatever. It’s the bloody same thing repeated.

Sometimes when Jasmine asks me about work when she overhears something, I don’t respond. The answers are always too complicated. But occasionally I explain the game. When Jispa hears it, she is flabbergasted. She told us “thank god, I am not going to be like you, stuck in a job that requires you to do/ think all this.” I laughed.

Of course, you will face the same issues no matter what job you do. She wants to be in medicine/ sports science / physiotherapy or something. I told her – what do you think. People are different there. They are all the same everywhere. I told her that in some colleges where I used to teach, the other professors didn’t like me. I was not even the faculty, I was just the visiting guy but they still hated me because I taught well and I got 80% plus attendance. Jealously is everywhere.

Doctors have their own issues as well. So does whichever profession you can think of. Even freaking NGOs have enough problems and fights. NGOs do good work but internally they are people after all. You should see some of the jerks I have interacted with. In all professions.

You will see them everywhere. The problems you face are universal. When you have a relationship – you will face universal issues. Even relationships go through their cycle. I have the luxury of having so many friends younger ot me talking about their lives. Same things.

Of course everyone’s life is different but the underlying issues are very same. People are finally governed by emotions and life cycles. Life cycles depend on hormones, wisdom, experiences and interactions. These don’t change and hence life doesn’t change. Welcome kid. Your life is going to be as F&^ked as mine. Just differently.

What of course changes is how you react to them and how you handle them. I have had some good teachers. Some (few) who have taken the trouble to teach me and some who I have learnt like Eklavya form Dronacharya. I think I can’t solve how life treats me, I solve how I can treat life. How I look at it as game to be played.

Coming to which, I have now a new found love for gaming. When I was younger, I couldn’t afford games. And Jasmine never let me play computer games, though she is now hooked onto cell phone games. And I never forgave her really for this. But I have an enviable collection of games to be played and it gives the greatest joy to play them. Its post surgery rehab for me right now (second knee). And I look forward to the time that I hope I will have for – badminton, gym, running and games.

I don’t want too much more in life. And once Jispa is suitably settled down, that’s the limitation of my ambition. Professional and personal. A chance to play ata game worth playing. So help me God. GOD? Wtf I am atheist. But I still say God with a lot of love and reverence. Doesn’t make sense, nah?

It’s a topic for another day. Love you all.