Many years ago I started teaching, I think it was in 2002 as
Jispa was born around the time I had my first teaching assignment. That time it
was a fun and unique experience. It’s remained as much fun since then. But at
the time I did something weird. At the end of the class I sat with each student
and spoke to them – one on one. And I explained to them what they were facing
in life and what they needed to do to break out… or something like that. That was
a crazy thing. That was the first time I realized that I could start talking
about people’s life at will. One kid was amazed because what I told her was
exactly what her mother used to tell her all the time. I hardly would have
taken 7-8 sessions with them but yet I knew quite a lot.
I thought that was a cool party trick where I could at will
talk about people’s life and amaze them with how much I can figure. We are
probably not as transparent as it may seem. In office as I grow up I normally
have to counsel kids and get them to improve and they are amazed with how much I
can tell. People have asked me over the years, how is it that I know so much. How
can I tell? Some find it creepy and some find it crazy. For me it was a simple
logical deduction. I released that I notice much more than the average Joe on a
lot of things. I don’t notice this consciously. It’s more on a sub conscious level.
It is there in my mind, forming patterns and images. So much is stored and then
pulled out at will to create a pattern. Sometimes in office, I catch someone
and randomly ask – so what’s bothering you. Didn’t sleep well? Or like the HR
chick the other day – I asked her randomly – why did you not pursue your
medical studies? She was wondering how I knew she wanted to be a doctor.
These things look creepy to the one on the outside but are
completely logical and probabilistic to one on the inside. It’s one connection
to another. It’s just that I notice a lot. Then soon I realized that this is a
crazy thing to have. Some people will try and suck as much out of you, like a
monkey doing tricks and some will get scared. And I also realized that this is
only probabilistic. It is not a determinate science. I only build on what I know
and what people agree to show me. I can go wrong and horribly so if people
mislead me. And that at the end of it, it’s better for my brains to simply stop
thinking.
These deductions are crazy and it’s not that I can spot
someone gaming me every time, so it’s not something I have amazing gift that I can
see through people. It’s only that I can somewhere try and understand your
motivations and character and a bit of what defined your life coming till here,
there is future I can see. At best I can only help you make a few choices by
pointing the right questions…. But again nothing what you don’t know yourself.
I believed that happened because I was good at understanding
probabilities and patterns. I live very happy with probabilities. I don’t necessarily
need perfectly determined outcomes and plans. Add to that the fact that I have
a crazy curious mind. I love to keep poking around and keep asking questions.
An almost insatiable appetite for knowing why.
There was another trait which I did not think was related
but I realize now is – ADD. Attention deficit disorder. In meetings and in
conversations in office I quickly understand what the point the guy is trying
to make and I lose the plot. I zone out. I understood the issue and want to
move on. This is seen as arrogance. The other guy so many times tries to
convince me that he has more to say, but I say yes or no – and say – great got
it. This puts people off completely.
Another bad side of this – I just can’t understand how you don’t
get it. It’s simple – it’s there on the board to see for all. It’s like staring
me in the face, I keep saying – what you guys did not get it yet? This is the
pattern / this is the trick / this is the answer / this is how it’s done.
All of this is interconnected and I did not know till I watched
a few episodes of prison break. They talk about a condition called LOW LATENT
INHIBITION (LLI). While I am nowhere near the crazy genius they show, I did try
and research the term. And while I was researching I kept reading about stuff
that I thought is exactly what I go through in life.
Latent Inhibition allows you to go through with life without
getting insane. You block out repeated stimuli. You don’t notice everything
about everything again and again. But with LLI – every time you notice
everything about everything and that helps you understand if there has been a
small change in stuff around you and you can draw conclusion from it.
“With low latent
inhibition, an individual almost treats familiar stimuli in the same manner as
they would new stimuli. Think of the details you notice when you see something
new for the first time and how it grabs your attention. From those details all
kinds of questions may arise in your mind. “What is that, what does it do, why
is it there, what does it mean, how can it be utilized” and so on. The more of
those questions you are able to figure out or answer, the better your
understanding of that stimulus. The better your understanding of that stimulus,
the more logical connections you are able to make between that stimulus and
others around it. With the use of human memory you are then able to remember
which questions you’ve already answered in relation to a particular stimulus,
and those answers may then result in more questions. Low latent inhibition will
usually result in extremely accurate instincts due to the sheer level of
thought, processing and logical connection that has been made previously when faced
with a stimulus or multiple stimuli.
So in terms of what we
might see, somebody you know who’s generally always worn glasses might approach
you having bought a new pair of glasses that look almost exactly the same but
for a slightly different logo on the side. You usually wouldn’t notice the
change of logo because your brain has almost dismissed the minor details that
go with the pair of glasses they wear as ‘unimportant’. It’s your brains way of
ensuring that it doesn’t need to constantly process new stimuli that probably
won’t have any significance or importance to it. Yes they might wear glasses,
but so what? In this example we simply see the glasses then move on.
An example of how
somebody with low latent inhibition may see the same scenario could be that
they almost instantly notice the smallest changes that seeing the new pair of
glasses presents to them via the observation of stimuli, which may then lead to
connections being made that people with normal latent inhibition might not
make. For example from seeing the new logo, somebody with a low latent
inhibition might deduce that their friend had been shopping since the last time
they saw them, if they had been shopping they might have also recently received
their monthly salary which meant they were able to buy the glasses. Did the
friend have some insecurity with the last pair of glasses? If the person with
low latent inhibition also knows the surrounding area well (and knows where the
stores are that sell new glasses), and they know when the last time they saw
their friend wearing his old glasses was (2 days ago), they might be able to
work out the exact locations their friend will have been to, and depending upon
which food their friend likes, where their friend might have eaten, and
depending upon what their friends interests are, which other stores they might
have been to after having been paid and what kind of things they might have
bought…all from a small change of logo on a pair of glasses.”
So it very aptly explains what I go through in life. It’s funny.
Here is another accurate description of what goes on in my
mind
“You notice more, hear more,
smell more and feel more through tactile contact. Without any conscious effort,
your mind is in possession of a broader intake of information.
Upon encountering any form of
stimulus (that interests you), your mind automatically dismantles and explores
its components.
You usually see through the lies
and the deceptions that people use in everyday life.
When learning, you can often make
instantaneous changes.
Self-correction is easy because
the underlying principle is more evident. Clearer.
You make connections and
associations between seemingly unrelated material.
Comprehension is typically easy.
You notice the non-verbal background information and this often provides a more
comprehensive picture than what is being spoken.
There are exponential leaps of
insight taking place all the time, with the background reasoning intact.
Wave-upon-wave of permutations, options, variables and choices.
Creativity is a given. You see
alternatives.
You notice things that other
people miss.
There is no talking voice in your
head. No 'chattering monkey'. The volume and complexity of the information
drowns out conscious thought entirely.
Verbalising what takes place in
your mind is impossible. Words render only a fraction of the entirety.
You see the world more
thoroughly.
Listening to other people
talking/thinking aloud can be infuriating. They are at point A when you have
reached point N already.
Learning is not limited to
defined periods of academic study. The assimilation of information is constant,
ongoing and never static. There are no lulls or pauses. Everything offers a
lesson.
Within the maelstrom of
information there exists a place of calm and quietude. The eye of the storm. No
verbalisation exists. No internal narrative. Just presence. No sense of self to
intrude of interrupt.
Cons-
Education is awkward. Schools are
not set-up to cater with this disorder. The way in which things are approached
by schools seems piecemeal and incomplete.
It is difficult to
write/type/speak quickly enough to articulate ideas and the breadth of the
permutations involved.
Tact is necessary. People lie
constantly.
LLI makes driving a car
difficult. Your brain notices countless dangers and variables, and you become
overwhelmed and nervous.
Hypervigilance can lead to
anxiety.
Illusions are not very effective.
You see through things without wanting to. Conventions and traditions have no
significance.
You do not value what other
people value.
Filtering out the variables and
honing your options to something workable can be very difficult. Every solution
potentially harbours new problems, new variables and new concerns.
People may find you to be a
little odd, unorthodox or a little intense.
You have a habit of saying things
that do not fit the accepted norm of behaviour. You often choose to disregard
conventions because they serve no constructive purpose.
Background noise is a major
problem. Noisy neighbours can cause serious stress.
Noticing things does not mean
that you understand them. If anything, the abundance of what might be known
lessens the desire to accumulate widespread knowledge.”
It seems that if you have LLI and a low IQ you are likely go crazy. But
a higher IQ leads to creativity. And I think that’s the reason I am seen as far
more creative than the average Joe.
Reading this has made me far happier about myself. In the middle I was
wondering what is it that I have. Why do I see patterns that others don’t, what
the hell is going on? Am I crazy or is the world DUH? It is very frustrating.
Now I see it as a simple mental construct that is different from another.
And also I am happy with what my initial response was – just don’t think
so much about what you are thinking. Thoughts will keep coming, just chill out
and don’t give them too much importance. So more than anything else – this has
helped me in some way deal with the frustration around me. Hopefully it will
make me calmer and less irritable. Less moody. Less volatile. Tough shit.
