before you run, choose your race

“You know dad, boys are really irritating”. It’s that age when the boys and the girls really absolutely hate each other. Different things to do, different likes, dislikes, sports... everything. They just don’t see eye to eye on anything. Girls still have a sense of propriety, while the boys will go out of their way to disrupt any semblance of order. The way they react to situations is completely different. So I wasn’t surprised when Jispa told me that she found them painful. “Dad, we had a science lab experiment today and we were two girls and two boys. The boys just did nothing and fooled around while we two girls managed the experiment. It was so irritating.”. “Ah, yes, you know how boys are. Ignore them.”. “no. But they got all the credit for doing no work. It’s so unfair. That’s not right.”

“hah! Jispa understand the game. Right now the boys did not study or perform the experiment. They learnt nothing from it. You learnt from the experiment. You performed it and you understood it. They not only fooled around but they also got marks for it so their parents will never know that they fooled around. After wards when you go for a job, and you are competing with them, who do you think will get the job? You who understood what you did or they who did not understand. It’s in fact a good thing for you. The more people fool around the less competition you have later in life. In fact you WANT them to fool around. And GET marks for it so that they don’t realize it and improve.” The penny dropped. “Understand Jispa which race you want to win. Now or later”.

Now that’s a controversial bit of advice to give. I would normally say that one must be sweet and nice and share. I still believe that it’s important to share. I still am not telling her to be a bad person. Just telling her that every time things are not what they seem. It’s about perspective. Long run short term. What’s your perspective? And how an irritating boy who seems to be having all the fun is good for you.

I told her about one incident in college I am not likely to forget. It was b school and we had a project to get done. I was in a team with a guy and two other girls. Like usual no one really worked on the project. But the chicks worked without telling us and suddenly one day they told us that since we did not work on the project, they kicked us out. Fair. No issues on that front. I guess they were right in their way. But I was in the lurch. So I went to another guy, I think he name was Acquino or something like that. I explained my situation and he promptly took me in and convinced other team members to take me. After a few years I went out of my way to help him professionally. I met his boss and gave him strategic gyan and other information, just because it was him. I told his boss as much as well. Acquino thanked me and I told him that I merely returning his favour.

So I explained to Jispa – see what happened. There are two points to gain from being relaxed and r chilled. Selfishly it helps you both ways. So why unnecessarily stress yourself out. Let the boys remain dumb. Choose which race you want to win and then act. I think she got it.

the beginner's mind

One of the big problems of reading too much or understanding a lot is arrogance. I have blogged about this in the past. I face arrogance. That is also possibly the reason I don’t read too much fiction as well. What on earth will that give me? I guess I underestimate the fun of reading for the sake of listening to a story. A story need not have deep meaning, it seeks to merely entertain and hopefully mesmerize the reader into a world of fantasy and imagination. Imagination lets us be unbounded by reality and hence the ability to experience what we physically can’t. I would not underestimate its power in doing good to the world and to the person. I am possibly a bundle of contradictions into myself.

But over the years I have learnt to be a little less arrogant or to put it right – I have learnt to overcome / hide my arrogance.  It’s a difficult thing to do.  To put it aside and constantly say I don’t know. Or there are things I don’t know. Or to constantly look for ways to prove yourself wrong. Arrogance can be defeated. It is possible. The right way is to constantly challenge everything. Nothing is real and nothing is the whole truth. In marketing I learnt there is the truth and then there is the truth. Dharen once explained to me that while doing research on hair oil, there is science that says that oil doesn’t permeate the scalp and possibly does nothing to the brain, but there is also the truth when the consumer says that when my mother puts oil in my hair and then I sit to study I can retain more.

To my mind that is the reality. What consumers feel or experience is something that can’t be challenged. They experience the impossible. That doesn’t make him deranged and to be dismissed. That makes it an interesting point of view. There are so many things the consumer says but also the truth is the things he doesn’t say. All this put together is the whole nebulous truth - if there ever was a paradox.

Over a period of time I have constantly tried to challenge what I know and what I feel. Its dam irritating and I understand the value or the pain of being a devil’s advocate. Society depends on progress and progress means taking a stand. And the sticking to it and going forward. You never know everything is an interesting concept but it can’t stop you from taking the steps forward.

Why all this philosophy all of a sudden? Just recently I came across this term “beginners mind”. It is a term from the zen philosophy -  Shoshin (初心)

And I quote from the Wikipedia -

Shoshin is a concept in Zen Buddhism meaning "beginner's mind". It refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when studying a subject, even when studying at an advanced level, just as a beginner in that subject would. The term is especially used in the study of Zen Buddhism and Japanese martial arts.

The phrase is also used in the title of the book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by the Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki, who says the following about the correct approach to Zen practice: In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few.

Saadat A. Khan suggests that "Beginner's mind embodies the highest emotional qualities such as enthusiasm, creativity, zeal, and optimism. If the reader reflects briefly on the opposites of these qualities, it is clear to see that quality of life requires living with beginner's mind. With beginner's mind, there is boundlessness, limitlessness, an infinite wealth."

That’s right. The beginners mind. A child like curiosity to question everything and the ability to start afresh every time. It is extremely irritating but to constantly question everything is the greatest requirement to learn and to innovate. I try and get that in Jispa but it can get also pretty irritating. And a school with the focus on teaching 30 kids and going forward to a set syllabus is not conducive atmosphere for Shosin.

Yesterday Jispa asked me that ‘you said you could help me in History and geography. Right?”. “Yup. Ask”. “So, teacher was explaining large scale maps and small scale maps. I asked teacher this question and she explained something but I did not understand – if 1:100 is a small scale map and 1:10 is a large scale map, what are the maps in between called?”. This question is seemingly easy but at eth core of it it’s a tough one. For one there are no middle scale maps and the question is not of terms but to understand that sizes are relative and the terms are actually irrelevant. It took some amount of patience on Jasmine and my side and I could hear the irritation in our tones when  at eth end of a large explanation Jispa simply says – ‘I did not understand’.

All this Shosin posin is easier said than done.

you never stop learning

Which Indian kid is so bloody dumb and living in a vacuum that it doesn’t even understand cricket? I mean cricket is everywhere. Everyone talks about it and everyone is fascinated by it and simple stuff like how many runs to score to win etc is simple stuff? Right? Well I was rudely shocked one day as one day as I came home my wife told me – Today Jispa did math in school and she couldn’t understand the example sir gave using cricket. Now they have started teaching a bit of statistics to Jispa at school and the poor prof at school used the run progression cricket graph to explain to class some kind of statistics. One morning I sat with her and tried to explain the graph to her and I realized that she would obviously not follow the graph. She doesn’t even know what the game of cricket is all about. Simple stuff like – the first side scores the runs and the second side have to score them to win. That basic stuff is missing. That’s when I explained the game, the basic rules, the scoring etc. It was an eye opener for me and her. I never realized that not having a TV at home could make such a massive impact. Jispa does watch some cricket. She does sit in front of the TV at times when the matches play at a friend’s place or at the gymkhana. But she takes away different things from it I guess.

After I explained the run rate, I had to explain the average run rate required to win, the concept of chasing at a run rate etc. then she asked me about another graphic she saw on TV. The bowlers graphic on where they pitch the ball. Short, good length, full, Yorker. The I explained that to her and I had to explain why good length is considered good. To explain the concept of pitching the ball, I made her stand in one place and bowled a few spinning balls at her. I showed her how at good length she has the least amount of time to react to a spinning ball and at full length she just doesn’t need to wait for it to pitch and swerve. So in a short span of around an hour she went from nothing to understanding the nuances of pitching a ball. That’s always the fun part with Jispa.

She has learned to ask and visualize and seek. She catches things well and is not tired by understanding. I see many kids tired when I try and explain. They give up. So many adults simply give up. They have no patience for learning an understanding. After a point of time, you see them disinterested. I always wonder how on earth can that happen. If someone is talking from their experience how is it that you can find it not interesting. You must ask, provoke, disagree but a conversation cannot be ignored. Of course monologues are difficult but a conversation with a person on his specialization – how is that ever limiting.

Conversations are so important. Over the weekend I was helping a friend do something. In fact he was a senior guy in my company and he put in his papers to start something of his own. He wants me in his firm but for various reasons I am not too keen. Nevertheless I agreed to help him out. And when I did, I helped with proper professional ardor. I took notes, thought and worked hard over the weekend. I gave ideas and listened patiently. Jasmine was like – you should be paid for this. Its ok, I told her. I learnt a lot in the process. If I have to help someone with my skills I must listen patiently to a lot of people, understand markets, behavior etc. and I got to do that. I wasn’t just supposed to lecture, I was supposed to meet understand and use my brains. For that I don’t mind not getting paid. Free work is good. It will in some time come back to you. Either in terms of the good will gained or more realistically and immediate – the learnings gained. No one can take that from you. That is important.

turn it around

A ha. We successfully organized the Matunga gymkhana open swim meet. A grand success by any measure and people came on congratulating us. It was an experience like none before in any meet of any kind in the city. The people were mesmerized and couldn’t stop talking about it. The swimming department now walks with a little extra bounce in their steps. But when you coldly step back and look at it, what was it actually that made it so big. The swimming pool on the day belonsg to the officials. At every meet you have the same commentator, the same officials and the same events. Ours was also the same. But the difference lied in the packaging. There were large banners outside welcoming the participants and at the entrance was the clincher – the greeters. Borrowed from a bit from Walmart and a bit from the Singapore immigration authorities. At Walmart you have greeters when you come in to shop. At most other immigration checks they give you a cold stare, but at Singapore there is a bowl of fox sweets greeting you. In line with that we had apples and bananas awaiting all participants. So at the entrance a team was waiting with the fruits. In addition we gave them a folder with the schedule. And if that was not enough we also gave them two iron rich bars which we bought from an NGO. So that just shook them out. We then put enough cut outs around the place and just before the swimming pool a huge massive 36X6 banner greeted them. All these were of course done in corporate style with amazing visuals. With so much stimulation at the start, I left very little at the main pool area. That was taken over by the sponsors. We also gave space to a pro shop, a free stall for the isotonic drink guys to freely sample their products and some other stuff.

For those expecting a boring placid swim meet were completely shocked. There was shade all around with the pandals being erected and fans installed. I was rather amused by the reactions of the people. I thought this was par for the course. This stuff is simple. Like the checkerboard backdrop against the winner’s podium got a lot of comments and people thought it was really cool and ‘IPL style’.

I can still think of a million different things that I want changed from next time around. I want a different way to submit entries. I want to email stuff and want IDs, I want to have a better registration, I want better side games for the kids, I want a relaxing lounge, I want a winners picture booth,  I want flowers for the winners, I want better food stalls selling better food and drink for the champions, I want better invites, etc etc… a lot is still left to be done. The dream is to have a small souvenir shop for the event as well, selling high quality merchandise branded – the Matunga Gymkhana Open Swim Meet. That will be so bloody cool. That’s when the brand will be really built.

Ah well. I am a dreamer. But only if you can dream it can you possibly do it. Dream on. There are so many things to be done at this meet. Next year I am definitely going to ask for a bigger budget. I will have a better campaign to bring in the entries and hype the bloody thing before the event. I want to run it in style. Raise the bar so much that people have no clue what to expect next. I want to make it really really BIG.

But while I am talking about the event… I too took part in one race. The under 40 men’s freestyle. In my time trial I dived in and swam really fast. I reached the other side and turned. Not knowing the tumble turn I wasted precious seconds. While coming back I was tiring and slowing down. I hadn’t eaten well and the energy was sapping. I emerged second best by a small margin. I then heard the commentator explaining that I messed up the turn and lost there. I saw the video and everybody also told me – I was leading till the turn. My daughter was at the finish line waiting for me. She greeted me and took the time from the officials. She told me – not bad –“you did 37 seconds. You did two seconds better than your last time”. She was doing a Jaimit to me. Okies.

I always wanted to learn the tumble turn. But I tried it once and the water just rushed into my brain. I hated it. Jispa kept telling me to learn but I just couldn’t try. Now I have additional incentive. My knees have robbed me of my running victories but I guess I found another race. Tumble turn it is then. To learn the tumble turn and to push myself hard.  Jispa keeps telling me to learn but because I have the power in the equation I am unable to push myself. If the roles were reversed I would have harassed her, but the poor thing can’t do that to me. I must set that example and do it. I must learn the tumble turn. It’s not just about the turn but it also my duty as a parent to show that I can do it. It an example.

being right

Jispa’s school is getting on my nerves. It’s not her school in particular that’s to blame it’s the dam bloody education system. I have blogged earlier that our education system does not allow the child to ask questions and probe or even confront the teacher. It is a hopeless power equation in school. The teacher is all powerful and the rest of the students or anyone else can take it or leave it. Last year we let go when her teacher corrected her wrongly on the meaning of the term ‘light year’. At Jispa’s behest we kept quiet and did not ask her to go to school with the right definition. But yesterday I knew I had to knock some defiance into Jispa.

I was waiting to have dinner with jasmine while she was trying to do Jispa’s home work. I dozed off when Jispa woke me up call me. I went outside and I saw Jispa and Jasmine at opposite sides of the homework. Jasmine was explaining how it should be done and Jispa was sticking to exactly what her teacher had asked her to do… exactly by the letter. In Jispa’s way the sticking activity was impossible with the pictures she had. Jispa was explaining exactly how her teacher wanted it. Jispa was adamant. Normally I just let Jispa get her way and tell Jasmine to give in. I remember my dumb arse teachers. They would give very clear specific instructions. They obviously wanted regimentation and refused to see anyone move away from the straight and narrow.  They did not want anyone straying and their job was to produce clones. Creativity was not encouraged or tolerated. There was only one way to do a particular job. As Ken Robinson argued in his TED video, that this was a product of the industrial age where students were needed who could simply mass produce goods and services and fall in line with the systems and processes set up.

I had kept quiet for long. I knew the pain of standing up and sticking to your gun. Once my dad was called into school as I argued with my teacher. I knew I was right and she was just being a pain. You just can’t win. But yesterday I had enough. I explained to Jispa, “look Jips, I understand and I hear you. I know what your teacher ordered you to do. You are right in explaining that to us but in principal what your mom is doing is also right. It is correct given that you have larger pictures (the whole argument was on how to arrange pictures on a time line). Last year your teacher taught you some wrong stuff on the light year etc, I kept qiet but this year you are in the fifth standard. It’s time for you to stand up. This is not wrong and if your teacher scolds you for it, I will talk to her or write her a letter explain how that is not the right thing to do and how this time line is not incorrect. This is the way it’s done in so many places on the internet and encyclopedias. If your teacher tells you that you are wrong don’t just take. Talk to her politely and tell her that you did this with your dad and he explained it to you how it was right.”. Jispa told me that she wouldn’t be able to tell her that. At which time I explained to her “Listen, I am not telling you to talk rudely to her. But you must be polite and yet explain to her why you are thinking the way you are thinking and that you are not wrong but don’t be rude. Even Gandhi told the British that they were wrong but he did so with a lot of respect. Didn’t you see that in the movie?” The penny dropped. She was better. And she got it done in the way her mom was helping her.

I looked at Jasmine. It takes two to do parenting. It’s not possible for one to have all the patience required. One is near the problem and tends to get exasperated; the other is a bit away and can take a bird’s eye view. You clearly need two to work.

But more importantly I think gave Jispa the courage to stand up for what she thinks is right. When my dad got called to school, he heard me and told me that you weren’t wrong in saying what you said but you can’t argue like this with the teacher. That is the wrong thing to do. That’s the story I explained to Jispa as well. Say it but say it with respect. And you have to stand up for what you think is right. I think not getting Jispa to explain that light year was a wrong lesson to teach her.

You have to stand up and not bow down to a teacher. I explained to Jispa that listen – don’t worry. We pay school fees and the teacher is expected to teach you right things. She can’t just scold you for something that isn’t wrong. You go ahead and be respectful and I will back you up. You have to assert yourself. Jispa is an amiable kid. She doesn’t like confrontation. She is a sweet heart with no interest in girl politics. But I guess it’s time for her to assert. She is beginning to do that with us and we aren’t taking it too well. I try and avoid a show down and take it diplomatically. I try and select the fights and the issues. The trick is to get her to assert on the right issues and be smart about it all. Talking to people in the right way while being what you want to be is life!

a tough ask?

How many questions should you ask? I was just reading an article that questions the number of questions that are being asked today by students in school. Read on: Asking questions is essential to learning. That was an essential lesson from one of history's first great teachers, Socrates. Or, as the wise Rabbi Steven Greenberg puts it: "we train children at the Passover seder to ask why, because tyrants are undone and liberty is won with a good question." And yet, children are not asking questions nearly enough. In fact, data from the U.S. school systems tells us that the average high school student asks one question of substance per month in a classroom. Yikes!

This is particularly alarming if we consider the skill set that is required for success in the coming decades. Hal Gregersen, the co-author along with Clayton Christensen of the recent book The Innovator’s DNA, tells Big Think that the world we’re entering over "the next five, ten, fifteen, twenty years – I can’t imagine it being easier, simpler, less uncertain than what we’re living in today."So what is the best way to "unlock the solutions to that wild terrain," as Gregersen puts it? "We need to build this capacity in ourselves and the people around us to ask the right question." Source: http://bigthink.com/big-think-tv/the-future-is-uncertain-its-time-to-start-asking-the-right-questions

Yes you need to ask questions. Tons of questions. I always had questions on my mind and in classrooms I was known to be the irritating one. Actually – few teachers loved me and a few them possibly didn’t. some thought I was asking questions just to prove I was smart or I was disturbing the class. I remember one question that was completely dismissed by my science teacher. She was taking I think about chlorine or flourine (nice periodic table link http://www.ptable.com/)which is so reactive that it reacts with anything and that she said it is used on rockets as fuel. I may be wrong in recollecting the gas but my question was that if it’s so reactive and reacts with everything then how do you store it? Oops. That one was dismissed. In another science class the idiotic teacher called me to the desk twice or more since I was participating ‘too much’ in class. She called me in and tried to tell me that if I know too much I should take the lecture myself. What a Bitch. I want to meet her and show her this video.

Ask questions ask many questions. Ask them all the time. Keep asking. I think I am losing the art of asking those questions which I used to as a child. In my meetings I ask, and I don’t really mind admitting that I don’t know too much; but higher level meetings work without asking questions. People don’t want to show any of their insufficiencies I guess. I don’t know. I keep telling people – ask – ask more questions. Think a bit. But idiots just don’t. My own team just doesn’t want to ask any questions. Is it because they don’t think enough or they can understand enough or is it because they feel shy or what? Are you too dumb to ask or you are too smart? Why is it that I am the one asking most of the questions.

I think the author on top is right. In school with the grades etc – you are taught to simply learn the portion by rote. That is what gets rewarded, not asking questions. That is irrelevant for grades or for anything. In my class when I teach I try and encourage people to think or ask questions; but its so bloody tough. Years of training can’t be simply undone by one stupid professor.

The other day Jispa was really upset and there was something bothering her. She was having a fight with us. I have a different style of fighting with her. I talk to her and then I continue to keep channels of communication open. I am firm on the issue but soft on everything else. So I asked her what was bothering her. She refused to say. Then I told her that whatever it is, she has the freedom to tell me anytime. I am there for her. And then offhand I asked her – “take a guess – how many time in Jasmine’s life has she had a conversation with her dad. A nice conversation”. She looked at Jasmine. The answer is never. Jasmine has never ever had a ‘conversation’ with her dad. They speak but there is no conversation. I told her that I remember a few conversations with my dad and those I cherish. “So how many have you had with your dad” I asked her. “Hundreds”, she replied. “So then” I said “you have something your both parents didn’t. You can always talk to us”.

Well at the end of it all. She still dint tell us what was bothering her. Well… Ten years olds are also equally complicated. But I respect that and she sorted the issue in her brain, or at least I hope so.

growing up and drifting apart

A couple of weeks back was our big family vacation bash. Mom, my brother, his wife, sister, her husband, their sons, Jasmine, Jispa and me. I was dreading this week. The last time also we went we weren't exactly happy about the whole thing. This time was a semi disaster. It gets pretty irritating with all the families which have now become so different from each other. We all like different things, we do different things, we see differently and we are very different tourists. Mom is one of those who wants to see all the attractions and tick them off as done. My brother couldn't care less. I and my family like to stay in one attraction for long and don’t like to stress out too much and my brother in law couldn't care less for history. He likes long walks in cold woods.

It was as expected an unmitigated disaster with mom getting on the nerves of my brother and me. We both tried our best to stay focused and be happy and try not to get provoked by mom. Sometimes he kept cool and sometimes it was my turn to cool down. I think as a family we remain reasonably happy by recognizing our differences and not attempting to reconcile them. Bro and I are like chalk and cheese. There is little connecting the two. Same with sis and me. For some reason we grew up to be very different individuals. And the worst thing for me is when I can’t have any intelligent conversations with anyone on a trip. Jasmine is a happy listener but Jispa is the best. She listens, asks questions, understands and provokes. We have many conversations. But with my family no one wants to have any conversation with me. On so many things I am the resident expert but my opinion counts for jack. My bro in law is attempting to run a place in the hills as a home stay. I told him the best thing for him would be to be active on trip adviser  In today’s age you possibly don’t even need a hotel website. You can have official photos and videos of your property hosted on trip adviser and the best thing to get is other guest comments on your property. You don’t even need to put in fake comments. Any active member will easily spot fake comments when you see that there is only one glowing recommendation of a traveler. That is so obviously a fake. Real comments are balanced and useful. And then I tried talking something else – but I realized that I wasn’t making any real sense to anyone.

I kept quiet. I told Jasmine – now I understand what gets me bugged. I am the youngest one. All my life I was told I was a stupid kid who couldn’t control my emotions or my tongue. I would be the stupid boy who they all ran over. I rarely made any sort of sense. Now I am 37 but still a boy in their eyes. Its doesn’t matter that firms are currently paying lakhs and putting crores of rupees on the same advice that I am giving for free to them. Hehe. I don’t think they can see that value. I must be dumb to open my mouth.

The only real active conversation I had on the trip was with my nephew. He studies in Doon school and suddenly as a 15 year old he has emerged as a very strong beautiful brainy boy. I explained and talked to him about a lot of subjects. He was an active listener and asked me tons of questions and we spoke about politics, economics, religion amongst others. My family wondered what conversation was happening. Jasmine and Jispa are used to this. The others don’t understand. Possibly my nephew wasn’t encumbered or prejudiced by childhood.

All in all even Jispa came back and was not entirely happy. On the way back I explained to her and had a small chat – see Jips – things happen. Families move away from each other and stay separately. Their styles change and their modes of enjoyments change. It’s not that we are good and others are bad. Each one has their own style of enjoying. In fact that you did not enjoy as much shows that we are rigid in our thinking. We want it our way. That’s not always how it’s going to be. So understand that even though we are one blood, after staying away for long we have drifted in many ways.

I don’t want her to be negative. I don’t want to have any conversations that try and show our family superiority over others. There is no such thing. People are different. Their likes and tastes are different. A family needs to give space to each other and recognize the differences, or even celebrate them. My bro and I fought like dogs as children but have grown to trust and be with each other by recognizing the very fact that our planes do not intersect. Full stop. I too realized it this time around, how different we have become. My style cannot function everywhere. It must change or must be grinned and borne. That’s the truth. Or least my version of the truth ;)

dekho - magar pyaar se

One of the reasons that I don’t often blog these days is that my mind seems to be in a complete state of neutrality. I am unable to have strong views or even give importance to my normally strong views. All my life I never had the problem of strong views. I have always been hot headed and relished the chance to express my views. I guess if one were to see my writing style at the start of writing this blog one would possibly see the change over the last few years of my life. I believe I have changed a lot. One of the things that I have become is a … a bit of a cynic? As in I don’t really mean it in a negative way. I can possibly appreciate and understand a lot of stuff that goes around… it’s nice to see a nice play or a good movie or a lovely painting but… it’s not the same unbridled joy that came along with it when I was much younger. When someone did something nice to me or spoke nicely or gave me some importance I would attach a greater deal of value to it. Now I am more… I would like to say circumspect rather than cynical.

I have learned the hard way and the cost of innocence that the world is round. It is interconnected. People do what they want to because of various different emotions, reasons and compulsions. I have realized that no one is doing things just for giving me joy. It gives them joy as well. And I am not being holier than thou here. Even I am party to the same fallacy. I thought I did things for others, selflessly, but I too have my own reasons for doing so. Hence now I see things differently. It does not mean that I don’t enjoy the good things in life. I love movies and I love good friends, especially when they are nice to me. There are so many friends who are genuine in their care for me and my family and I thank them, I appreciate them. Only thing is that I try not to expect a lot of joy to be served to me unilaterally. I hope I making sense, without offending too many people.

Let me rephrase my thoughts – life is nice, people are nice, everything is nice. But I must take care not to take it for granted. I must do my bit to get my share. I must grow up and not expect things to be served to me just because I served it to them. Every person is different. Recognize that. Understand that and love them for who they are and not what they do to you or why they do what they do to you.

Hehehe. I said what I thought was essentially the same thing but with a more positive twist on it. I should get into preaching. The first two paragraphs is what I tell myself when I am in a mood to talk to myself in absolute honesty. I try and be ridiculously blunt to myself. To the point of a scolding. But when I talk to others, I realize that they may not be ready for some real badly said honest feedback. I too hate negative feedback. So at least I hear it from myself rather than hear from others.

One wise man told me, not to look at God also too closely; you will notice even God has blemishes. That is so true. When hold people in high or even exalted status, invariably you try and come closer and then you see them with all their dark spots. And you are left disappointed and even bitter. Things are not what they seem to be. Sometimes as the big marketing guy in office giving all that gyan, or in college lecturing, I am expected to keep an artificially high image that people hold in their hearts of me. I can see it in many eyes or possibly I imagine them in many eyes. The pressure to be a great guy is too much. I am supposed to be a great guy in so many things, that I soon start believing that I am a great guy. Over the last couple of years I realized that I am not such a great guy after all. I need to work hard like everyone else on every issue, being a good dad, a good husband, a good boss, a good friend. Everything. And all the time. It’s tough. Especially when you know you are working hard. That when you expect something back, just because you are working hard. But from the opposite perspective – its simple – that how you are supposed to be – a good _____ (fill in your role).

So life is a really tough thing to live, if you are hard on yourself. The trick is in being hard but taking it all with salt. It is to attempt to live to your values and morals and know that everything is subjective. Jispa can love me just because I let her play with the iPad and hate me because I stuff the banana down her throat before her workout. That’s ok. I have to keep trying hard and be what I think I know what’s best at the time. The trick is not to push too much as what I think is best is transient. It is subject to change, all the time.

One of my role models I realized was my brother. I think my blog writing helped me realize that. A lot of what I do in many places is what I have seen my brother do. Though I would be at loathe admitting it but a lot of his gyan in some way has found itself into my life. One of things he said was I never interfere with other parents and their children. I don’t discipline them or anything. What they do with their child is their problem. I thought that was a pretty good gyan and I try to follow it, to some extent. Of course it becomes impossible to follow it entirely when you are with so many kids as we invariably are. But I saw my brother always follow it and he never interfered with my fights with Jispa. Recently we were in dehra dun at my sisters holiday home and they have a cute pup in their premise which is looked after by the servant as my sister is not often at Dehradun.  My brother has decided not to have kids and they have a dog instead. They take care of Angel as if it’s their child. Now seeing an untrained pup, my brother took it upon himself to train the pup. He spent his time disciplining the pup and explaining my sister and her husband on how to take care of it. At one point he seriously admonished them and the servant for not letting it sleep properly. My brother really scolded the caretaker. Now I was at the sidelines looking at this. How different does one behave when one is confronted with something close to one’s heart? Wasn’t interfering with the dog master relationship the same as interfering with the child parent relationship? Surely its different in many ways but its also the same in many ways.

That’s what I believe by being a little bit more circumspect. Reality is not what we see or perceive it to be. It changes, people change. You only believe what you see. There is so much you don’t see. And in all this what blog do I write – what I see or what I don’t see. All my blogs will start looking like this. This is what I see but there is so much I don’t see. I find it difficult to hold a strong opinion and that is critical to writing. But then that is also a bad excuse, there is still so many experiences to share. They may not be worth writing about in the long run but strung together they are what I have lived and tis blog is about what I have lived so that Jispa many moons later will know what I have lived. It will just be that – a chronicle not a tomb on greater gyan. So with that I hope to write more often. I hope I have admonished myself enough, destroyed myself ego and broke my wall of excuses. Atleast I am my biggest critic or cynic!