rearranging our prejudices

I have many times talked about this. The best experience in reading is when you get two books to read as a set. Sometimes they are complimenting each other, sometimes one takes the learning of the other forward and sometimes… sometimes they are actually two points of view of the same history. Right now I am reading Rahul Pandita’s book – Our Moon has Blood Clots: The Exodus of the Kashmiri Pandits. Rahul has written a book called Hello Bastar (about the naxal movement) in the past and he writes well and I have felt that he does try and be objective about what he writes about. This time he writes about his childhood and his growing up as a Kashmir Pandit who was forced to leave the Kashmir valley with his family while he was still a boy. The book may have many flaws but it does bring alive some of the horrors of the terrorism in Kashmir that forced the pandits to leave the valley.

Some time back I read another book. This one was called Curfewed Night by Basharat Peer. Similarly this is also a memoir but from the opposite point of view. Basharat is a Kashmiri Muslim and he sees the same situation so differently. He is also a very balanced and objective writer. He talks about how as a young boy he idolized the Kashmiri Fighters who crossed the borders over and received training. And how it was to be a Kashmiri under constant threat from the Indian Armed Forces.

The same situation but the villains are the opposite parties. Who do you believe? I would assume that both are telling the truth. I don’t think either would really dispute the other’s point of view. But the contrast is telling. There is never an absolute truth. I would like to gift these two books in unison to Jispa when she grows up. What is the truth always depends on what you have been exposed to. Your knowledge no matter how vast is colored by your own experiences. Truth is relative. Muslims were killed and so were the Pandits. One believed in fighting for freedom and the other believed that freedom was already achieved. Both the authors were touched at am impressionable age by the fundamentalist forces and both wanted to take arms and exact revenge but were taken by their fathers to a land free from this racial animosity. And both seemed to have grown up to be largely secular. They realize the futility of violence but bear such deep scars that it may be impossible for them to be completely neutral.

Can one ever be neutral? For life to go on one must take a strong stand in one direction. These choices are made every day. We take a stand basis the information and experience we have. I am not saying to not take a stand. That is stupid and a complete waste. Devil’s advocate is a nice term for it and as one of Devdutt’s piece on this explains (link) this is many times the wrong way to discuss. Just a few days back, at the gymkhana where I got active with the swimming department, we were presenting the budget. Most of the office bearers were understanding and practical. One fellow was completely irritating. He kept switching sides and said, yes, that’s a good idea to every point and on both sides of the same point. Yes it was nice and diplomatic but it just prolonged the meeting and got nowhere. Endless argument and recognition of both sides got no one anything.

It is important to see both sides, to hear both sides to recognize both sides, to understand that both exist and that both are right in their own way. But at the end life and reality is that you have to take one side and move on. You have to take a stand while being polite and accommodating of the other. Its easy to be brusque about the other side. I have been guilty consistently about this. I have tried my best to change. From merely brushing them off to thinking actively from the other side I have understood another point of view. Now instead of brushing the other side I try and make an argument to convince the other. But that itself creates another sense of pressure on the opposite side. A convincing argument is so difficult for the other to accept, possibly more difficult that a brush off. One can be forced to accept defeat to power but not to reason. Oh dam!

But we all need to understand the other side. See that it exists, acknowledge it and try to live in that shoe. Possibly then we realize that the demons on the other side aren’t that demonic after all. They too were just acting on their prejudices. That’s all.

Like this quote my friend showed me “A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.” - William James

Side note – I was talking to a colleague who happened to be a Kashmiri Pandit who too left when he was 9 yrs old. I urged him to read both the books. HE ordered one. Rahul’s book. He was reading it and he said a lot of that was the truth. He was pretty excited. It was going to be the first book he has ever read. On any topic! That’s a good start. I asked him if he ordered the one by Basharat. Nopes, he dismissed it. Later. Possibly.

I guess we only know what we want to know

as blunt as a knife

A few weeks back Jispa had her 100 meter freestyle event. Normally Jispa doesn’t do too well in the 100 mtr race. She like the 50 mtr. We thought that’s because she needs to build greater strength and stamina. That was also one the prime reasons we took Jispa to a nutritionist who specializes in children sports nutrition. We were hoping that eating right would help her build some strength and help her in the longer races. But ofcourse  we weren’t expecting a miracle too soon. These things do take a long time to settle in. Though I think the right approach to eating does pay some immediate dividends.

But something else happened in this race. This was a 25 mtr pool and hence it’s a four  legged race. Jispa was in lane 5 and by chance her friend from our club itself was in lane 4. As the race started, her friend who is normally better in the longer races set off. Jispa followed a little behind. Throughout the first fifty she tailed her friend. Then something happened. I saw something that I haven’t seen in Jispa’s race before. Her second fifty was faster than the first. Normally Jispa’s second fifty is quite bad. But she took off and slowly built a lead over her friend, ever so marginal but a lead nevertheless. Wow, something interesting was going on. Then in the last 25 some reserve energy came in and she went even faster to beat her friend in the race. Not that she was medal prospect or something but she did improve her timing. Even her coach who was watching this was quite amazed. “Great timing”, he congratulated her, “but, your second fifty was faster than your first fifty”. Basically you normally don’t do that, you should logically slow down as your energy wears off.

A few weeks back we had a parents-teacher meeting at Jispa’s school. Jispa is a sweet kid, largely stays out of trouble, never gets into fights nor is she bothered by the girl politics playing around. She is completely chilled and unaffected by it all. A lot like Jasmine I guess. So these meetings are always nice and sweet with the teachers never having anything really big to say. As the meeting was drawing to a close, her teacher told us “Jispa is a lovely child, she is very good, but…. But…. “ I guess she did not know how to put it. “but… she is not ..” I forget what word she used but, basically she meant Jispa is not aggressive or ambitious or a take charge kind of girl. She is very happy and content. Like if the teacher wants someone to get chalk or someone to do some work, Jispa isn’t the enthusiastic raising hands jumping in plea volunteer. She is happy being seated.

Yes, she isn’t that ambitious yet. She is content and is not interested in too many incentives or positions. She likes to do stuff but not necessarily has the killer instinct to win at all costs. She is contented and happy. Now that is a good thing in many ways and we also have brought her up that way. We haven’t taught her to kill or to covet winning at all costs. I have always maintained that desire to win or perform must come from inside of you. You don’t have to win because your dad wants you to win. You have to win because you want to or you think it’s in you to win. Her teacher also admitted that its possibly a good thing but she was possibly lamenting that it could be a waste of talent or something not to be ambitious or to be contented.

Now after the race, I asked her, what she was doing. I suspected that she pushed herself as her friend was in the next lane and that turned out to be the real reason. She wanted to beat her. Something inside of her came alive. She wanted to compete. Sure Jispa like competing and competing hard and coming ahead but it’s not the winning. Difficult to really explain, but it’s a case of opposites reconciling. Try to win but not really covet winning. Her coach and I had a discussion on this today. I said she isn’t really that ambitious but I guess she needs to know how good she really is. Her coach told me that he is waiting. He believes that Jispa is a great potential. Once her mind will flip and she decides that she is a good swimmer and she is capable of much more, then she will suddenly zoom ahead.

Ya I agree. This race was testimony to the fact there is much more to her than she shows. She is capable of performing better. She needs to realize this on her own at her own time. Only when she realizes this on her will she emerge from her own shadow. She is talented, physically fit, mentally sharp and a nice amiable kid. Can be become sharp without losing her … BLUNT? That is for us to find out.

I am the Big Mean Beast

Yesterday I got a glimpse of the consequences of having a daughter.

Some time back a fashionable pretty young thing joined my team. She had long nails. Looking at them I remarked “long nails?”. “are you allowed long nails?”. She looked at me wondering. “are they not allowed?”. I kept her guessing and gave evasive answers. The PYT was stressed. I ask her to ask around. My team that was watching it all pounced like a pack of wolves saying it wasn’t. They all proceeded to show off their nails. The PYT wasn’t really convinced. Afterwards she caught another girl (wolf in sheep clothing) and asked her if the requirement was real. This other girl confirmed it.

PYT then comes back after the weekend with her nails chopped off. I look at them and ask incredulously “you chopped them off? Why did you do that? Did I tell you to chop them? I only asked if they were ok. But if you wanted them I would have definitely fought with HR if it was not allowed. Dint you like ask around?”. “I did” she protested. “They all told me to chop them off, since they are not allowed”. She fell for it, hook line and sinker. Then she said something even weirder “I chopped them off over the weekend and I cried”. “cried?”. “ya, they take so long to grow for me an di have to take care of them to grow them. SO I cried when I had to cut them”. Ok now the pranksters were feeling a wee bit sorry about the whole thing. And I was wondering how dumb does one have to be to fall for this and how sensitive must one be towards nails.

Jispa’s school has begun to have a soft approach towards nails, is what I was told by Jasmine. Possibly it is the class teacher or whoever but the kids in Jispa’s class, or more specifically the girls in Jispa’s class have started growing nails. Jasmine routinely chops off Jispa’s nails. They get dirty and we don’t believe that a ten year old still can grow nails. Jispa too is only a bit reluctant to chop them off. But this time she was showing a little less enthusiasm to chop her nails. While Jasmine was chopping them off, she did not want to give her thumb. This was in the morning when there is no time for anything else and I just firmly told her to get them chopped. She heard me and let out her thumb. After Jasmine chopped that nail, Jispa was pretty upset. Huh? It’s just a nail girl. What are you so upset about? And didn’t her school not allow long nails. Jasmine explained her schools recent laxity towards nails. But Jispa was pretty upset. WHAT? What’s so upsetting? Well it seems that she was growing her one thumb nail. She was ok with all the others being trimmed but the thumb… that was the one she was growing. And man was she upset…? I felt like the big mean beast.

I asked Jasmine “do you really need to cut it?”. “of course, she plays with it all the time. While studying she is fiddling with it”. “ok. lets get a compromise. Now on, you can grow your thumb but you ensure its clean and if you play with it even once while studying, it will be cut.” That mollified her a little bit. Just a little bit. I later even probed if it was a peer issue. It didn’t turn out to be one where everyone is growing it and she would be left out. It’s a simple case of Jispa being a girl. And girls like nails. Fullstop.

And my girl is growing up and growing her nails. I don’t know when the taekwondo kicker will become girlie and start painting her nails and wondering if her hair is in order all the time. And dam, the day she buys a cute little red dress to match her red paint and set her hair, I will simply jump off the floor. Oh man. I was lucky all this while as my little girl wasn’t the prim and proper fashion miss. She was cool and had a style of her own. But this nail incident has really awakened me from my slumber. We’ll figure. We’ll live.

sportsman's prayer

Saturday was a red letter day in Jispa’s life. Last week she came in dancing from school. She had learnt that she was the school placard bearer leading the march past at the sports day. That’s pretty cool. She would march in before everybody else, including the school flag bearer. Then she would lead the school into the oath. She would speak the oath and the school would repeat it after her. It was big freaking deal. It was a BFD for her and for us as well.

I asked her if she really wanted to be IT. yup sure she said. She recollected that when she was in the lower Kg a girl had taken eth oath and she thought it was dam cool. She had forgotten about it but when she learnt that she was IT then she was super excited. She got it possibly thanks to her consistent performances in the swimming pool and on the track and field events. She’s pretty athletic. Possibly the oath bit is also thanks in part to the fact that she excels in elocution.

I remember wanting to be IT. I wanted to be the guy giving the oath in school. I remember once it was administered by my brother’s friend. His name was Stephen Dias. He was a brilliant footballer and a really sweet guy. I wanted to do it. But amongst a string of missed chances this one too passed me by. So I was pretty happy when she was chosen. It amazing how much of my life I have ended up living with my daughter. It’s pretty surreal. Her achievements in sports, elocution and school have left me pretty moist eyed.

It’s a lovely feeling. People come and congratulate you as parents and we simply brush it off directing it to Jispa. But all this is a lot more complicated than it really is. A lot of factors come into play. But most importantly it simply is the process of adjustment to one and other. That is the true essence of family. Jasmine Jispa and I are constantly adjusting to each other. We all keep growing, keep shifting and keep changing. We try and reach our equilibrium which all economists know is a notoriously unstable state. It doesn’t stay steady at all. There are too many parameters at work. But if we largely work towards achieving it as opposed to disrupting it, you tend to remain in balance.

On one morning last week, Jispa told me as we were leaving for the pool, that she didn’t feel like swimming that morning. Sure but it’s your morning swimming that got you your position on the sports day, right? Ya. She replied. I guess she realized the value of all that hard work. It’s very tough on us parents to enforce discipline. Extremely difficult. How do you not become a tyrant while doing so? I guess jasmine and I take a simple stand. Let’s think through at a point if we want to do a certain activity or not. Do we want her to swim and does she want to swim. Once the call is taken we have to go to closure. Do we want her to study or not. Is it important for her to know the multiplication tables or not. Simple. You rack your brains once or every once in a while and come to an answer. Once you come to an answer you simply execute it. So no matter how tired I may be or sleep deprived, if she has to go to swim in the morning she has to go for a swim. I for one am very clear. If you don’t want to swim then its simple, let’s stop this crazy schedule.

It bugs me no end to be half way there. Jasmine deals with Jispa on a daily basis. She had a different set of issues. If she dictates like this, she would end up being a tyrant. But I am the dad who is away for most of the day. For me it’s simple to be in black or white about issues. Jasmine is all grey. Possibly that’s the way it is. Each one of us enforces on each other a set of paradigms. Each one of us is trying to push us and our paradigms. That’s the fun part. The trick is to get to a common boundary while pushing the edge but not tipping over. It’s easy for the parent to push the child, but getting the child to push the parent is very very difficult. I encourage it when I can but I too must admit that it is not possible. Our ego is far too high to allow for it. But I try.

At the end if my kid remembers me a fair parent, that’s what I will settle for. A fair deal. If she thought I was fair in giving her fair share of freedom, independence, protection, advice and learning; that’s all there is. And yes, her own fair share of credit.

Jispa did a lot because she is happy doing it all. She won her sprint titles for the 6^th year in a row. She has been unbeatable in sprint in her school. That’s pretty cool. This year in the 200 meters she was running along when I saw her being pushed by another kid, which made her go faster. On Sunday while swimming in the 100 meters freestyle, she clocked a personal best because there was her team mate in the adjoining lane. Jispa doesn’t have a natural killer instinct but she likes competing. It’s a bit of a paradox. I guess it’s a bit like me. Why kill something. Relax, try your best. In badminton these days, I see that I naturally raise or lower my game to the opponent’s level. I can’t get myself to kill shots and definitely I can’t play like that for extended periods of time. Possibly Jispa is like that. But I like that. A temperament for sports is not necessarily the one in life. Sports is easy. There is a winning and a pecking order. Life is more complicated. Two or more can win and must win if you want to win in the long run. The victory of one is not necessarily the defeat of the other. A bit of a difference form sport.

So sport doesn’t really teach you about winning in real life. No sir. I don’t think so. I see too many selfish people in sport. People who guard their turf. The badminton guys who don’t want to share their game or the tennis guys who routinely fight over petty issues. That’s stupid. What sports can possibly teach you – discipline, the need to listen to your body, that every point doesn’t matter, that brains are extremely important, that immediate reactions can be honed… whatever… But definitely don’t ever be selfish. I firmly believe that performance sports are dominated by really selfish people. It’s possibly an important part of the mental construct. I hate it and I hope Jispa doesn’t learn from it.