Bling

One of the things that I pride myself on these days is not spending too much money on useless things. Read – expensive useless things. Or even better uselessly expensive things. Case in point  - my watch. It’s the standard 700 bucks casio F91 watch. I love this watch now. I bought it just as a style statement and soon realsied that now I can’t wear any other watch. This is the watch for me. Its tells the time as accurately and cheaply as possible. And wonder of wonder – its also good for swimming.

I wanted an everyday watch which I wear in the shower and for my swims as well. So in addition to the F91, I started searching for a cheap water proof watch. Then online I read a few posts wherein people were saying that the F91 is good for basic swimming. Someone said that the F91 and the so called water proof watches conform to the same standard for water resistance. Its only not promoted by Casio, so that you can buy the slightly pricier ones. I was sold. This watch I will wear forever. Its become my identity.

Today when I look at my photos with the watch, I love the look and the fact that I can wear this watch everywhere. I get questions from people on why I wear this watch and they ask me about the sentimental value of the watch. They are surprised to know that I am wearing it purely from a functional perspective.

That’s also the question in people’s mind when the see the car I drive. It’s a lovely functional Honda City. It’s got leather seats, its automatic, it drives well – why should I upgrade? I like this car. I have no reason to want another car over others.

No it’s not like I don’t like brands. All my life I probably loved and coveted a Rolex or a Mercedes. Its only now that when I have the resources and the brains that I am forced to think twice. Someone was asking me in office – you don’t wear expensive watches – no, you don’t buy too many clothes – no, you don’t drink – no, you don’t go to fancy restaurants often – no. They were obviously looking at me like I am some miserly guy. I said – I have no problem with spending and these expensive tastes but I hate it when I am buying something and all that the brand is doing is taking me for a ride. Its making a fool of me, which is what I don’t like.

But I do have a weakness – shoes. I like expensive shoes. I wonder why. But now that I have bought quite a few I have restrained myself. It’s a good thing that I have limited space for my shoes. Otherwise I would racked up quite a bill, buying expensive shoes (at a sale of course) but still expensive.

So I like what I have become so far. Richer but wiser. That’s how I like it. Simple and happier. I would love to be even richer and spend even lesser. I think a lot of celebrities would have died happier if they had learnt what I have learnt in my life.

The great joy is in being able to afford bling and not buying it because you recognize it as such. Useless Bling. Or uselessly expensive bling.

Equanimity

Jispa would rather die than show us her emotions. Her real emotions. For us everything is alm in her life and she is in a state of constant equanimity. Chill folks. All in under control.

At first I used to fall for it but now I think I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s just a façade. Designed to fool everyone around. Inside she would feel everything that a normal human being feels. She is quite a stable kid; I give her that credit for sure. she is not prone to extreme anger; except once when I took away her ear phones in the car and banned her music. She gave me the most violent reaction ever. I quickly retreated and gave it back. I want to punish her, but not take away what is core to her. I won’t forget that day in a hurry.

I also realized that since she likes her music so much, the least I can do is give her good earphones, and unlimited music. She has never ever asked me for anything. So when she asked me for a paid Spotify account, I was inclined to give her. I just made a deal with her that she has to pose for pics for Jasmine while in Denmark and the Spotify account is for her for life! I was giving her the account in any case, but a little wheeling dealing never harmed anyone, did it?

Next I bought her truly wireless earphones. I am sure Jasmine doesn’t approve but she lets me indulge Jispa a bit in all this. Again my only thing is that my kid never asks me for anything, so why should I not of my own accord give her stuff she appreciates but doesn’t ever ask. Even after giving her a surprise, she maintains a sense of equanimity. Cool. I am all cool in getting these nice in ear pods. No big thing.

Yesterday she went for her first date with her new boyfriend. Cool. It happened to be in a Starbucks next to my office. Since I was going to get done early, I picked her up after work. Now when you have a girl who acts cool, you have to be a father that acts cool as well. So I was like, hi – how was it? All cool eh? I didn’t ask her too many questions. I don’t think she would appreciate it.

In the evening, I just got a minute with her “Jispa – you went on your first date today. I hope it was cool. You know, I still remember my first date. It was with Jasmine and I remember how it was and which movie we saw. I remember being really excited and all.  It is something that stays with you. Savor it. And also – I know that you guys are different from what we were. I know it’s a less of a big deal amongst you guys, but I also know that core human emotions don’t change. So I know it’s exciting for you. Enjoy it”. I looked at her, smiled and saw her smile as well.

Of course she wasn’t going to admit to anything. Definitely parents don’t need to know storms underneath. I guess it’s better that way. My parents had no clue. My parents didn’t even know when my first date was. At least we know. At least we are cool about it. Big step forward. At least we know and accept that it’s a process and it’s not necessary that the first one is the only right one. I think we are cool as well.

Thanks to Jispa we too are learning to be stable about this whole process. We too are learning equanimity.

On another note – why am I paying my gym trainer 500 bucks a session to effectively kill me for 75 minutes. Why? This blog another day.

grow more

On Wednesday, I come home at night and I find Jasmine asleep and Jispa awake. Jasmine was in a bad mood thanks to me and Jispa and me were blaming each other. Your fault your fault. Then she asks me – has mom spoken to you. “no, of course not. She is pissed with me”. Jispa was referring to a specific conversation. But no. Jasmine had no conversation with me on anything. “ok, don’t freak out..” she said. While I was eating my dinner, my ears perked up. Now what happened? Normally this is a sign that some shit hit the roof. Breathing in I brace myself to hear some really bad news. She continues “I am like going out with a guy”.

Well it was about time. She found a guy to hang out with. My baby is in a relationship. Infinitely small, and just starting out. But well, she is in one and she choose to tell us about it, on the day it commenced. What more can a father ask for.

I always wondered how would I really react when I find out. I always thought that I would be pretty cool about it and stuff. According to me, I was prepared about this from the day she was born. I had my first relationship (jasmine) from the age of 15, and my kid is 17. So that’s makes it two years too late.

So how did I react. I put on my nonchalant face and said cool. I asked about the boy and stuff and I had a father daughter conversation about relationships.

Relationships are starkly different from my generation to this one. My generation was for keeps. You got into one and you stayed there for long, really long. Early on, the commitment to make things work was always there. It was right for its time I guess. Today I would be surprised to see any relationship last the way Jasmine and mine lasted. I don’t expect it to.

I reminded Jispa of a scene in a movie ‘dear zindagi’ where the protagonist asks her shrink if its ok to have so many relationships. The shrink talks about buying a chair. And he talks about trying various chairs before buying. See this video.

At end of the conversation. I felt nice about myself. I think I reacted pretty decently for a dad. I definitely didn’t freak out.

In the two days that have passed besides feeling nice about myself I have been feeling that my daughter has grown up. Is it her features or is it the way she speaks or just that now she entered a different phase of her life that makes me think differently? I wonder.

off the offsites

Another offsite. I am so tired of offsites. Tomorrow we are going to Lonavala. My company has grown and I have been a part of that growth story through sheer luck. So I think from a younger age itself, I have been going to offsites as a part of senior or middle management.

Offsites are the worst thing in the world and there is a reason I have never taken my team out for one. We sit in offsites and discuss the future of the company and other rubbish. I have never seen a productive offsite in my life, where we sit and actually ideate on a concrete idea that needs to be implemented and the stuff gets done. Never. Neither do we have offsites where we actually do serious team building games and activities.

My idea of an ideal offsite is a freaking picnic. I would love to take my team to picnic spots and play team building games all day long. Just keep playing tons of fun games. Those offsites I remember and they help in building real bonds and camaraderie. Not these, where we sit inside a five-star hotel banquet area for six or seven hours or even ten hours and don’t see anything around. Yes I have sat for ten hours in closed rooms, discussing god knows what. I really don’t understand why the company needs to take us 100 miles or more away to get us to sit inside a banquet room. It’s easier in office itself.

Thanks to offsites and conferences, I must have been to Goa, at least 20 plus times, without even once really enjoying the place. We could have been in any part of the world but of course I think bosses love thinking that we took the entire large team to GOA! There is a perverse joy in spending good money behind bad conversations.

Bleh. So now what. Nothing. I hitched a ride with my boss to take me there. And his boss is also coming in the same car. So that’s also good company for a great office and lovely start to the day! My boss is actually a nice guy but it fun to bitch about bosses, no matter how nice they are.

Typically, I get so bored in these meetings that I think the boredom is palpable on my face. In fact, I daresay, contempt is visible on my face. I use every opportunity to get out of the room and go somewhere else and do some work elsewhere. Any work. Earlier I used to be the young marketing guy in charge of the offsite, so it made sense for me to leave the room to look busy. I would go and sit outside and do nothing and come back.

Alas now that I am senior enough I can’t do that as well. What a bore. I will have to sit and get involved. Typically, I sit bored till I get all riled up or instigated or something and then  speak my mind which would likely to be controversial or conversation ending. Till some joker again refuses to listen and starts the fighting all over again. ARRGGG – I hate these discussions.

I can’t understand why you need more than three four people to decide strategy. A few decide then take buy in and then relentlessly execute. If I ever become CEO – I would ban all off sites. Total utter wastage. Waste of time, money and holidays. I will be so loved … but then not so… I really think a lot of my colleagues love these offsites. The fake bonhomie, the daaru, the dancing… the painstakingly made bad slides, horrible strategy… I think there are enough amongst us. Enough.

shit changes you

Over the weekend I went through two types of life changing events. Ok – too much drama. But they were experiences that would allow me to think through on issue sthat could potential change my thinking for a long time to come.

I took a few of my colleagues to design yatra. I am sure I would have blogged about this crazy amazing conference in the past. This is a place where I am a pretender in a place full of crazy designers and artists, I am a stand out stupid guy. I have no talents in this and I hope at best to at least appreciate the fact that there is beauty in what people do and value in art for art sake in whatever we do.

I am in the middle of being wooed by multiple people to join them. And I am thinking, should I leave, should I join something new, should I build on something I already have. Money is important but only so much. After a point its not about money but a chance to create something new and beautiful. Over the last few years I have come to the conclusion that marketing is a wasted field. What the world needs for now is product supremacy. It’s the product that needs to succeed. Product necessarily flow from great design. In our finance world where we don’t sell anything real or tangible (money is such an abstract concept). We need a serious reason for people to love our product. This is where design comes into place.

I have been thinking that wherever I go, as a next jump or wherever, whenever I am able to create my own little ecosystem, it will definitely be a place where I would want to build my team, have freedom to work, interact, get in amazing talent; fire idiots dragging the system and build a good place to work. If take up one more job at one more place, I would be building more of the same shit. New place, same shit, just a little more money. I want a lot more money but a chance to build something of real value.

Where I go they would want me to start asap, start showing results immideiately, and get cracking. Reality – it would take me a year to understand the product / problem and build a team that would then begin to start delivering. Then it would take me another year before we actually start to show results. Everyone wants an overnight sensation, not knowing how long it took to build it. Most overnight sensations are ten years in the making. Ten years.

So the design festival helped me realize and reinforce in my head my ideas of how great companies are actually built. By building great products that people want in the end. Today most of the big success stories that we see, and what most miss is that the products that were delivered were finger licking good. When they diverge from great design, shit creeps in and then all hell breaks loose. It’s funny that my company, group wide, has a marketing review, business reviews etc but no real product review. No really good well designed, lickable product customer interfaces and reviews. My super boss understands money but I am sure, he doesn’t understand what is meant by good looking and great interface products. The question for me is where do I build this expertise as decide my future course of action.

Cut to Mumbai. I fly in from Goa early morning to attend an AGM for Matunga Gymkhana. It was public lynching at its best. We haven’t learnt from history that democracy can give rise to the worst of dictators. Hitler was a democratically elected despot.  In an AGM the person who can shout the loudest and incite crowds can sway the opinion. In a democracy there is the tyranny of the majority which can be used to suppress a saner but quieter opinion. That is exactly what happened. Logic and anything be damned. Louder voices ruled.

I was wondering what happened. I was quiet throughout, unlike my natural self. I only spoke once and I thought I made sense and I spoke for the greater good. People understood and the stupid conversation and fighting stopped on that one point. But then the asst. secretary opened his mouth, once again and then all hell broke loose. Every time he opened his mouth the meeting would extend by another 40 minutes.

But today after good introspection, I realized that even silence has a role. If I had opened my mouth and be drawn into these issues I wouldn’t have been able to see this game. I wouldn’t have been able to see how the few manipulate the large. It is a well thought of strategy relying on rhetoric and oratory. It is mind numbing how the majority are swayed by this. I too have been guilty of this in the past. I have been swayed without the understanding of consequences.

Real life is difficult, complicated and not without consequences. Most of which are unintended. The process of democracy is slow and painful and we must protect it at all costs.

I wanted to resign, I drafted the mail and sent it to my friend. I haven’t yet sent it to the gymkhana. But I think… should I or should I not be the lone voice of sanity and be there and grind it out or should I get out and focus on new things. The learnings are tremendous but I have to hold in my natural instincts and reign in initial response. I would need to be measured and studied. That is the right way to play the game. Let me think.

Who knew that a weekend in variety would prove to be enough food for thought, my friend.

Stay relevant . fight

Reinventing yourself is so bloody important. Reinventing relationships are important. Reinventing your passions and your reasons to be are important. Nothing is constant as you grow older. Everything changes, the relationships and their interplay change over a period of time.

We need to keep evolving on everything and this can sometimes, many times cause stress. When Indians go abroad many a time they can be accused of being in a time capsule. They notions of India and Indianess is define by the time they left shores. They have been unable to move from their last notion of India.

Similarly, every time I wake, I start from where I left off yesterday. Parenting Jispa for one. It’s a question of constantly reinventing oneself. By merely having by birth the right to be a father is the stupidest thing that one can want. You have to earn it every day. This Saturday I was teaching about margins to my kids in college. What is margin and what constitutes margin. It is not as easy subject to grasp. People will constantly make the mistake of missing one component for another. When you look at the supply chain you will realize that margin compensates the component of the supply chain in line with its role, risk and reward. I was thinking in my head that while a lot of kids got it wrong, I would assume that a lot of these concepts Jispa would intuitively get right. Jispa probably doesn’t know what kind of dad she has. She probably underestimates the breadth of experience and wisdom I bring to the table.

These days while studying etc, she doesn’t need/ take my help. So yesterday I was talking to her while we were watching the swim races in the stands. We were waiting for her races. It was too much fun. This is the interschool races for the international schools. It was a national event. This gave Jispa a chance to directly enter the all school nationals through a much easier route. International schools are few and far in between in the country and most of them have very small classroom strengths and total over all student strengths. You can’t expect too much competition with these numbers. So while we were watching the races, I was enjoying the rank amateurs swimming in the nationals.

In in one race you will see national level medalists swimming alongside swimmers who haven’t ever been in 50-meter pool in their life, let alone swan at a stretch for than 20 meters. You can make out by the way they stand at the stand and their body structures. Young fit six pack athletes in their advanced costumes standing next to podgy fatted kids wearing their summer swimming costumes. I was dissing them for 10 minutes, in a very stand up way and laughing with Jispa at these kids. Yes, I was being very mean and very unfatherly. But these kids had no reason to be in this national competition.

I was also explaining to Jispa that once upon a time, I too was like this as a kid. I went for a swimming competition and almost drowned in the process. I had no business going for a race. Sometimes, we just force these kids into participation for a certificate that we participated at a national level race. But hell.

This is not the point of this story. What is the point of this blog? It is something totally different. Jispa and I were talking and we spoke about how till 7^th grade I was still largely involved in teaching her stuff. She said that now dad, you can’t even help me with anything on studies nah. I am way too advanced for you. AH… nopes kid. I am still a smart guy. I can help you with some of your studies. English and psychology for sure. and the mental aspect of sports science. Anything you do in the technical side, I am not that good. Bio, math etc – you are way ahead but in English and other similar stuff, I am still relevant and awesome. She was like – no you don’t know things like juxtaposition and stuff. We do analysis of vogue covers and stuff and you are not good for that. I had to tell her, not forcefully of course that I can still help you, but its your call.

Sunday evening at home she comes to me and shows me the explanation of the Vogue covers. She has to analyze them. She and her friend wrote a very superficial analysis of the covers. I explained to them that this was bad shit. I helped her understand core values of Vogue. Then who are on the cover – what is the intended effect of the celebs. What are the personality traits that the celebs lend onto the cover and the articles / themes of the cover? I explained how the Venn diagram of the vogue and the celeb intersection is what the cover is about. I basically took her analysis to a whole new level altogether.

At the end of this – I then told her – I am still relevant in your life kid. I am still relevant.

I have to fight every day. Struggle for being relevant in people’s lives. If you take your role for granted, then you are doomed. Fight every day and stay relevant. Else get consigned to the sides. Same for office, spouse, father, friendship, mentor – whatever shit you do. Stay relevant and keep changing.

please peace, inner piss

Yesterday I had a nice conversation with a friend. It wasn’t exactly pleasant but it was very interesting or me. I have the gift of talking and spouting gyan. Earlier I used to think that I was reasonably intelligent and I would likely have the solution to all of mankind’s woes. As I grew older and alas, wiser, I realized that no such shit exists. No one has answer to anyone’s woes.

I have written about this – there a beautiful book that I read “if you meet the Buddha on the road, shoot him”. Fundamentally answers lie within you. Inside of you. And mostly it futile trying to tell answers to anyone. through the book I learnt one clear thing – people come to you to talk / for advise / for love / for understanding. You can’t give any, if you really care about the person. You can only tell about your stories in life and about the issues you faced and the principals you learnt in your life and the questions you asked of the world and of yourself.

Yesterday was a n hour long conversation. It was the most beautiful conversation in that sense. I realized that I had grown up and alas (yes, I know its repeated) wiser. The whole conversation, I simply explained various situations in which I dealt with shit and how I dealt with situations and the experiences I got while growing up. The choices I made and the nebulous nature of life that I understood. Not once did I give an answer or a direction.

My friend was able to decipher for herself the meaning of what she was asking for me. I may give an answer, and maybe by sheer power of nature, it might be the best / right answer; but the real answer is always the one in which you arrive at yourself. You can ask for multiple suggestions, advice and experience but it will not count till you arrive at it through your thinking process. There is always a time for an answer to get inside your brain. I always tell Jispa – of course listen to me but more importantly – don’t listen to me. Learn on your own. Listen to me only to replay what I said later on in your life when you might realize its truth. For now, just store in your head. Appreciate the experience that I bring but then quickly discard it for your action. Then replay and hold the consequences against what I said – and decide what was right.

At the end of the conversation – I told – I sound like a guru nah? Not because I am right but because 60% of what I say, it is likely that you will forget. You will remember 40% of which half will turn out right. That is a total of 20%. Now that id worse than tossing coin for advice. The remaining 20% will never be fructified as you will likely be dead in the hope of seeing it come true. You will say – that this is true but I have just not experienced it yet. This is the true math of a guru. Say enough obscure far reaching sounding,  profound clouded, shitshat. 20% true, 20% waiting to be true and 60% forgotten. Say to a larger base and everyone will find their 20% and soon amongst the audience as a collective all 100% will be true – just broken up in each guy for their own 20%. Did you get the math?

But not the gurus are bad. You got your 20% right? And you felt you got your 100% also. So what gives… give the guru some dakshina, love him to death, put him on a pedestal and voila – you have found inner peace through randomization.

Inner peace is not that difficult to achieve. I also wonder what the purpose of life is. I guess there is no purpose really. So play board games and enjoy. Which I why I have been buying board games and playing them. I want more GAMES MORE GAMES. I have bought quite a few and I have a huge wish list on Amazon – I keep adding. I get some crazy joy in board games. Sit one whole day and play games after games, till the end and sleep. We were born on this planet to play games.

Life became far more bearable and the Machiavellism of the players became such a joy to watch, as long as you think of it as a game. Everyone has their reasons. They don’t align to yours. They never will. Align yours to yourself in harmony with the world and dingalangaling – inner peace!

Such an elusive concept. Also called in good ol’ colloquial hindi – bhaad mein jaaye. Or ‘go to to hell’. Simple.

the young will inherit the earth

Today was a nice morning. Jispa had a shorter workout. Typically I pick her up from her workout and drop her off near my office, which is half the way home. She then takes a rick back home. Today we had some time to kill. I asked her if she wanted to have coffee with me in the morning.

It was a nice coffee date at Starbucks. We spoke on a lot of things. She first got to see my office. Her reaction ‘it looks so much like a … like a BANK!’. Yes. It is a… a bank office you know. But I get it. She doesn’t mean it like a compliment. Our reception and office and everything is so traditional with all the cubicles and the reception area holds a bank branch with red being a dominant theme. It is very bank like and it is a total put off for a young kid. I remember the bank office when I was a kid. Large cubicles and counters behind which bank personnel were sitting. Very imposing and intimidating. Bank designs have improved over the years. But this comment by Jispa is very insightful.

The reception area is recently designed but it also shows how much out of touch we are with the rest of the young world. Our office space is also designed for old people and not a young crowd. Innovation cannot happen by an old person or by young people conforming to older standards. We must change and welcome new ideas, new thinking and new systems into our lives. That is the only way to change and continue to be relevant.

After coffee I was explaining to her, that as a father, my big dilemma is exactly this. How do I put blind faith on youth. I told her – remember Jispa. If you want to be wildly successful, mark my words. DON’T LISTEN to older people, and don’t listen to your parents. Older people advice will ensure survival, but to grow big and break everything you have to learn not to listen to us. So while you are with us, listen, you have no choice. But once you do become 18 and you don’t live with us, DON’T LISTEN TO US.

Curiously she was defending older people. She was saying that isn’t it that older people know more and wont they be right. I spoke to her about my office experience. Older people are often wrong and they work at preservation. When I worked at a startup for 2 years I learnt that the startup thinks very differently as a means to do things. They think very differently from older matured organizations and that one of the reasons why they have achieved scale at a rapid scale. Some the best guys in the VC business have understood this. It’s their job to trust the young kids and give them money and get out of the way.

Young kids don’t need older people in the company. I told her that in the startup I think I sucked at it. I think my role should have been only limited to advisory, not really working on systems and day to day work. That is best left to younger kids with energy and drive. I also told her that parents are the worst at giving career advice. We just don’t know what new things are out there. My mom would been so proud of me if I had given some banking exams and become a branch manager at a government owned bank. What did she know about careers?

I told Jispa that there years ago I did not know what my job would be. It has changed. The rapid scale at which change is happening, every three years jobs and industries are changing. Old people don’t know anything. That’s the biggest dilemma we as parents have. Your mom is right most of the time. If you follow her instructions, you will survive for sure. But if survival is your goal then sure. but if you want to be crazy successful, or at least have a chance at being crazy successful, you have to break rules. That’s the dilemma I am in all the time.

I want you to not listen to me. She countered that won’t we get things wrong if we don’t listen o sound advice. Yes kid exactly. You will be wrong but that is the right thing to do. To be wrong and then learn from it is to be right. As a young kid your job is to wrong and wrong again. Keep being wrong to be right.

A ha… after a long time – opposites reconciling. I know when I am on a roll. I get the title of my blog into my writing.

But all in all it was a morning well spent with Jispa. The job of the young is to guide the old and not the other way around. Old must learn actively from the young. I loved understanding and talking with Jispa. She is 16 and she has so much to explain to me. Her training programs, the fun they have in school, the things kids do and the life from her perspective. It’s time to simply sit back and absorb a lot from her. Its really fun growing up with her.

train train

I want to take a train ride somewhere. I desperately want to take the train.

I love train journeys. I don’t know I have some interesting memories of them. As a kid we always went everywhere in trains. May brother and me loved the top berth and jumping in after climbing up. Over the years, I have seen the trains get dirty and the bathrooms become even dirtier. I don’t know if I am up to it too much these days, but the call of the train is coming back. I want to go somewhere in a train.

The stress of work is getting to me right now and I need to escape and wind down somewhere. I think a train journey gives you the perfect escape, the gentle rocking of the train, nothing to do but look out of the window and see the amazing Indian landscape just run by. At speed. I remember the trees at the distance. Zipping by. Then I would focus on the next tree coming into view only to see it zip by. Then the bridges over the small roads. Then the huts. And the people, the villagers in cycles, waiting for the train to go by before they cross over.

Even thinking about it makes me feel a little happier, a funny feeling comes over me. A feeling that I might have lost that little feeling of emptiness. Being happy with emptiness, not being stressed out and not being bothered with doing nothing. Just relaxing and forgetting work/ school/ friends etc, everything, anything. I want to go a train trip.

I like waiting for my turn to use the wash basin, and then stand by the door, leaning out and getting your face hit by the wind.

I have some crazy memories. One was when we were going forth and coming back from a youth music conference at Dehradun, with my friends and some other delegates. It was Mumbai to Dehradun in the middle of summer. And playing UNO all day on the way back.

Second one was – Going to Delhi from Agra with Jasmine on our honey moon. We met the rowdies who didn’t want us to put out the berth and let us sleep in a booked berth. Just because it was their daily routine. I think I would have gotten beaten up, if not for a fellow traveler who engaged them in a long conversation. Thanks, you nameless beautiful friend.

Third – My friend V-inu and I, going to Allahabad from Mumbai to attend the Ardh Kumbh festival. We were stuck together in an AC first class coupe for a day and a half with an air freshener that put out a hideously sweet perfume every 30 minutes.

Fourth – the many many trips I had going to Gujarat and back, with family. It was always something interesting when we got into the train in the evening and then have dinner of theplas, aloo sabzi, dahi and chundo.

Fifth – going to Kerala from Mumbai in the old route that took us from the heart of Maharashtra to Andhra Pradesh (now Telangana), when in the evening you will see the landscape of large rocks and hard ground. In the morning you wake up and the train has somehow reversed its orientation and going in the opposite direction of what it was when you slept. And boom, you are in Kerala, green and dense and crazy beautiful.

Sixth – my train ride from Rajkot to Mumbai, where I got the ticket an hour before the train left in Tatkal. My cousin put me on it. As I slept in the side berth, I was woken up by some of the fellow passengers. My wallet had slipped from my back pocket and had fallen. I picked it up and thanked them. That train ride I wouldn’t forget because, I reached home to know that my dad passed away in the evening. No cell phone those days. Ya. It’s a bit of tough memory, that ride.

Seventh – I don’t know from where to where but I remember in a train as a child and my dad outside on the platform and I remember wanting dad to get back in, before he misses the train. Of course there was no chance of him missing it but still, that fear was there in me as a child. I must have been 5 or so.

Eight – train ride as a kid from Nerul to Matheran, in a toy train. Aww, come on. Who doesn’t remember those rides?

Ninth – recent one from Delhi, we took the train back just for Jispa to get a feel of the train. I remember sitting in the Rajdhani on the top side berth with her and explaining the US elections to her. It was a nice long conversation.

Tenth? Guess that yet to come.

Two / three train journeys I want to do now – To Bharatpur see bird sanctuary and back, to Delhi and see Red Fort and back, to Ahmedabad and Manek chowk eating and back. Let’s see.

Bonus feature. Song from Bunty and Bubli. I loved this song and loved listening to it with Jispa when she was little!

anger

Anger. It’s such a crazy emotion. It gets you nowhere. I have never my anger ever help me with anything or in any situation. Yet I let it flow. With my level of thinking and self-awareness, how do I let this happen to myself? How do I let anger get the better of me?

We Doshi’s supposedly are hard wired to be an angry type. We have a lot of anger issues. It’s a stupid bloody emotion. Where does it come from? I have often wondered. Small things can get us to flare up. When I was much younger, I remember dad trying to calm me down and tell me to remain cool. My brother and I used to fight a lot. We were two years apart and like chalk and cheese. I don’t think we have any core values or behavior overlapping in a Venn diagram. So it was chaos growing up. There were hardly any instances where he would have my back and would take my side.

One of the things I think he would get really irritated with me was my anger. When we used to play cricket on the streets, there were always lots of disputes. Football is an easier sport than cricket. You don’t need a referee in street football. You simply get rid of the basic hindrances, such as bad tackling and there, you play the game. It is impossible to play cricket without an umpire, though.

First of all, there is the LBW rule. This is a crazy rule which is totally in control of an umpire who must decide if the ball was going to hit the stumps if it had not hit your leg. Oh freak. This was so contentious that we simply got rid of it most of the times in street cricket.  Then the ability to effect a run out, taking a clean catch, or simply did the ball travel in line with the make believe wickets on top of the three stones we put.

Needless to add, fights and arguments were common in street cricket, as invariably the umpire was a highly biased person from the batting side. The funny bits would come if the umpire would be biased against his own side, giving a batsman out just so that he gets his batting earlier. This was the funniest ever. I learnt to get into fights and argue with the players, umpires and team mates. It was all par for the course. Keep arguing and fighting. Everyone did it. One would get might angry doing it. I think I stopped till one day my brother had enough of me. He pulled me one side and asked me “is there a trophy or cup for this game that you will get? Why are you arguing?” I remember that moment till this date. Why fight on these matters.

My brother and I fought on other matters that had significant importance. So significant that I don’t remember them at all. But we fought. Like cats and dogs. It would end bitterly, especially as I was the angry one and he was stronger. Dad would have to get involved numerous times. According to me, I had a sense of right and wrong. I would hate being wronged. Many a times Dad would calm me down.

I would hate that. I wanted justice not calming down. Today I see his wisdom.  Dad too had a temper that I know he spent a long time controlling. He also told me the same thing that I say today. Anger never helped anyone.

I hate myself these days. Really really do hate myself. I get angry and it hurts me. I can get angry at people in office doing stupid things and it can erupt. I can get angry at my family and it can erupt. But I try and bring it down and refuse to fight so many times. But I don’t know what effect it might have on me and my health. Is keeping it suppressed the right answer or reaching an impossible nirvana stage where one doesn’t get angry at all, the right answer.

Some of my friends wonder how calm I am. That makes me laugh. I am not calm at all. Over years I have learnt not to let so many things affect me. Most of the time it’s a simple question – is there a trophy in this for me? If not – no worries.

The problem is when there is a trophy. At home and at work. Work is easy. You have to perform or you risk getting out. At home – passions run deep. I think I am done with anger. Jispa and Jasmine do stupid things to get into each other’s hair and I get caught in the cross fire. I think I have a resolution to make here. At least I want to… Not to interfere or do anything that causes a dissonance with my own core values. This is just too much to bear. It’s like a millstone that weighs me down.

But this is the classical Keynes versus Hayek dilemma in economics. Should you interfere or should you let the free hand of the market work for you as over the long term equilibrium will be found. The problem is of time. Equilibrium is good for greater good as a society, as a life of a society is measured in centuries. Our selfish lives are much shorter.

My dad died at age 58, I am 44. What should I live for? It’s a fun question. Jispa is 17. We have her for two years more. Just 2. Then she goes. What do we do with her now? I am of the view that we must now cut her bindings that tie her home. It is now her thing what she wants to do or not. Why should we keep her chained to us? My job now is limited to trying to get a few thigs that sound to both and to pay for her basic studies. What else? I don’t want to interfere in her swimming, sport, studies and what not.

I am coming to the conclusion that it does not matter to me now. I cannot influence it and more importantly, I shouldn’t. When I was 17 I did not need any parental overhang. Why do I give it now? This is serious. It potentially will create more conflict in the short run but I think Hayek may prevail in the long. Things will settle down to an equilibrium. An equilibrium that is sustainable and happy to all, or at least ‘least unhappy’ to all.

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I seem to be writing very morose and depressed things these days. Arrgh. I don’t like this side of me. It can’t sustain for long. Not in my head. Let’s talk on some positive things.

Jispa managed to push us to get her enrolled for the Otter’s Club swim program. The coach is an Indian swim champion who just retired. So he is young and hip. Plus he seems to be having modern techniques. That makes it great for Jispa. She also swims with good swimmers and champions. That’s great company for her. Jispa really pushed for 6 months for this. I am glad it happened for her.

I am not sure if it will make her a great swimmer but I am sure it was help her become a good coach. I think she has in it to become a brilliant coach. She has a skillset for it.

Next – I love board games. Finally in my life, I have the money to buy them, a house big enough to play them and time to get friends over who enjoy them. I love board games. It is the one joy in my life that right now with a non-working knee, I enjoy. So we are playing games, like Guillotine, Catan, Secret Hitler etc. I am enjoying it like crazy. I want to get every opportunity to get friends over and play all night long. I want to buy more games. I want a cupboard full of them.

I love coffee but I cant have too much. I get caffeine addiction. So bought myself decaf! Awesomeness knows no bounds.

 bonus video from an amazing movie - inside out. its brilliant and based on what we understand of the human brain.

fun

Ah well. The hospitalization was not as dramatic as I would have (not) liked it to be.

I like my attitude in life. So far I must have faced tons of shit in life. Most of the time, I look at the stuff that happened in the past and not be bitter about it. Some of my bosses were extremely horrible and I thought that was ok. They taught me a lot. Some of the incidents I have had in life have been quite tough but at the end, after a few years, I have been thankful for it. They made me stronger.

When I was about to be admitted to the hospital, I was quite sure I wanted to do all the stuff myself. I was determined to be independent. I did not want Jasmine of Jispa to fret over anything and I did not want o inconvenience anyone. I wanted to be a cheerful and happy patient. I was sure about it. Hospitalization is a very different experience and the only way to enjoy it is to think of it as a learning experience, much like a department store or going to Ikea. You look around you, you make mental notes, you think about how you feel and you enjoy, even if you don’t want to buy anything.

 I enjoyed the hospitalization in the same way. It was a new retail environment for me. I got admitted, filled in the paperwork across the three counters, changed into hospital clothes and was happily hanging around and talking to the doctors and nurses. It was pretty good going.

When I was being wheeled in to the operation theatre Jasmine and me were joking around and smiling. We were in high spirits. I was telling jasmine that’s its great thing that we got to experience the hospital, the operation theatre and other scary things on a minor knee surgery. It’s not a mission critical procedure. This was a voluntary surgery that we had to ensure I can lay sports. The risk of this surgery is very low. So the first, possibly intimidating experience was so easy to take in.

I was happy speaking to the nurses, doctors, staff and everyone around. That was quite a nice experience. I was telling jispa that I was very happy with my attitude. I saw this potentially scary and irritating experience as a learning ground and I kept my spirits and happiness around me high! That’s important. This ability to see adversity into an advantage or a learning experience while smiling is so important.

I hope that when my time comes and that I might be close to dying, I should still be able to smile, laugh and enjoy the experience. I want to think about my last few minutes and wonder – nice experience. I want to look at myself and say – good man, you didn’t stop learning at all. Of course it’s going to be emotional and tough to know you are terminal. But I still want to be awesome and fun at that. That’s my goal.

I wonder what may be the best way to go? A terminal illness and knowing it’s going to happen or a sudden situation like my dad. Sometimes I feel a finite time would also be interesting. I read two books written by people knowing that they were on their final journey.  One was When breath becomes air by Paul Kalanithi and another by the legendary Hans Rosling – Factfulness. Both were interesting reads. Paul’s book was amongst the best books I would have read in a long long time. His prose was brilliant and his description of his experience was mind blowing.  Possibly it kindled a bit of a thought in me. Possibly that now at 43, I am closer to death than I am to birth, has sparked these thoughts in me.

But I wonder.

Coming back to happiness. Yesterday I took Jasmine to Starbucks at BKC. BKC has three. Two of them I frequent. In both the places, the baristas know me very well. They greet me, talk to me and make me my awesome coffees. So when I reached there early with Jasmine, they greeted me warmly and asked me how I am and that it was a long time since they saw me. They give better service and they smile at me and talk. I even got a free extra shot of coffee to make the horrible one (Tahitian vanilla macchiato) taste better. Jasmine was wondering.

Next day, Jasmine was telling Jispa – do you know, dad is known to all the baristas at Starbucks and they greet him like a long lost friend. He has his girlfriends everywhere. Hah. No. It’s not just about frequenting the place, it’s not just about having girlfriends. It’s about knowing the people who serve you. It’s about speaking to them by calling out their name. It’s thanking them, smiling and being nice to them. This is how people know you, you get warmth and you spread warmth. There is a joy in that. I make it a point to make my coffee in a certain way, then I sip it in front of them and tell them, [name] it’s awesome, I love the coffee you made.

Such simple joys. I enjoy these little micro interactions with people where we chat/ talk/ smile move on. This is how we make friends in places that acknowledge us and are happy when we come back. This is the way to spread happiness all around.

I did that in the hospital as well. Spoke to the doctors, nurses, ward boys, everyone. Smiled, laughed, understood back story etc. This makes life so much fun!

death becomes him

Feb 2019 was the first month in so many years that there was no blogpost from my side. Sometimes I wonder what it is to write a post. Is it just a habit or is it that I have something to say that just now dies.

I used to have a lot to say at one point of time. Something inside of me just isn’t there in the blog anymore. I guess it reflects in the posts as well. I think now that Jispa is old enough to talk to I don’t need to write too much about it. That also is one thing. The other thing is that for now Jispa is not even interested in reading my blog. Possibly I realise the folly of writing so much for so many years. No one reads the blog.

I had made it hidden a few years ago because it started getting traction on search and people would search for me online and I did not want them to see this blog. So obviously there is no traffic. Writing is a lonely thing to do and writing a blog that no one is going to read is an even lonelier thing to do. Any performer needs an audience to really bring out the best in them. Without an audience it becomes quite a chore to do.

This is now called a dead end. How to write a blog that you want people to read but don’t really want all to read. I guess the best creative outlet for this is to retire this personal blog and to write a public blog under an anonymous name and allow it to get as much traction that it wants. Keep everything hidden from public eye and let people find it just for its writing and nothing else. Or write a blog where my name is exposed but keep everything else very sanitized. That won’t help too much. Well, we will figure. For now, this is the blog that you get. Err… who are you? Whom am I writing for?

I think now I writing for someone in the future who might read this blog. I think secretly I want someone to read this blog sometime in the future and find it interesting enough to give meaning to them. Possibly a much older Jispa or possibly my grandkids or possibly after I die this gives some serious meaning to someone.

The world I pretty funny. The value of something a person says normally goes up after one dies. Everything is in demand when there is a finite supply. When one is alive the supply seems infinite. We are unable to come to terms with our own mortality I think. That way being in a family where we have enough heart patients is pretty cool. The only thing you live with is mortality. Everyone is going to pop it sooner than the neighbor. So you live joking about it. Now on my mind there are other issues.

I have lived healthier than what my father would have lived. I eat vegan, I exercise and have a good resting heart rate. Still cholesterol seems to be a bit on the higher side. Blame it one genetics. But I still think this will result in me outliving my dad. This is going to cause a bit of a pickle in my life. I have not imagined living old. I don’t have a retirement plan in mind! What will I do when I retire? All my life I assumed that I am going to be dead by then. I don’t know if old age is going to be a boon or a bane. Hopefully I will continue to find work to do or my wife will definitely go insane.

While we are talking about death, let me tell you why death came to my mind. A few years ago a colleague of mine was admitted to hospital for a routine surgery. Something went wrong in the anesthesia and tragically he never woke up. Now as endings go, I find that the most scary ending ever. I don’t want to go like that. I don’t want to sleep thinking this is routine shit and not even know that I am dying. Of course, possibly the knowledge of imminent death through a disease like cancer is possibly even more traumatic but still. This to my mind is one of the worst ways to go. Possibly next to drowning or something like that.

So this is on my head now as I am scheduled for a knee surgery on this Monday. I am never afraid of hospitals and procedures but this incident, man, its playing on my mind. I have a ligament tear and they are going to reconstruct the damn thing in 40 minutes. I think this is very cool. I am loving going under the scalpel. But how do I overcome my fear of being knocked out for the surgery.

I know, I will overcome that as well. The last time I was totally stressed and I felt my heart beat was in 1996 (I think) when I had to meet my future in-laws for the first time. That was a tough one. I overcame that. This one is going to be easier. Believe me, nothing is scarier that meeting your in laws for the first time in order to ask their daughters hand.

So there. This is the real reason for the blog. To talk to myself and feel nice about it. I am feeling much better already. I know it’s an unreal fear and it’s something I will overcome. But talking to myself about it and writing about it makes it in many ways more manageable.

Introspection is one the best or possibly the only way for one to improve. I could either go to the Himalayas (we Indians know only one place) and meditate or write a blog every day. Writing is a special kind of ritual. You are forced to write what you think and keep it recorded for history. If you look at it like this you will doubly careful about the crap you write. This alone will make you introspect about the thoughts in your head and you should then ask yourself, will you be proud of them?

But I also appreciate that this won’t work everywhere on everyone. Otherwise we wouldn’t have so much vitriol on twitter. It’s amazing how crazy we are. I think we were always crazy but the media in the good old days was still run by the elite educated liberal secularists. Now everyone with a mobile has a voice and a chance to be counted upon within the relative obscurity of their lives.

But still it’s crazy to see twitter in action. Additionally these days because the right winger have gotten a louder voice which shuts off the liberals. I can only imagine how easy was it for Nazi Germany to get into power wreak havoc on the world. Right now for brief period we had the country being fanned by the right wing to be ready for war. It was so freaking easy!

History must be taught in a different manner in school. History is all about learning and debate and we make it all about features and dates. But that is something for another post another date.

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bonus Song

we love laugh stories

This Saturday I had a whale of a time. It was my lecture after a long time and I went mad. Literally crazy. It was a 90 minute lecture in which I think I taught for not more than 10 minutes. The rest of the time I was just making the kids laugh. That’s it.

I think somewhere in life I figured that I am a standup comic with a flair for comic timing. I can go on and on and keep cracking jokes on everything. In this lecture I just kept cracking jokes and making the students laugh like crazy. Even while teaching them something I was simply making them laugh.

It was so much fun. I know I getting them to really enjoy when the laughter erupts in loud noises and people start clapping at the jokes. The energy is so high that they don’t know what to do and clapping starts. When you hear that you know you have the audience and then you can teach anything.

I like to keep things simple and teach less. Teaching less is teaching more. A key few simple principals well told is my new motto. Teach less, laugh more and enjoy the lecture.

Yesterday I was called for some stupid rewards and recognition program in office. I went mad there as well. Someday I am going to get into trouble for all this. It was a division in which we were doing decently well and the kids were all the high achievers. I just refused to make any sense. I started of cracking jokes and I ended up cracking jokes. In the middle I insulted every department there was including my own and tore everyone to pieces. The crowd was in splits. They started clapping at the jokes and had a whale of a time.

This self-deprecating humor is the best one. You can say the truth without really offending anyone. And everyone enjoys. I think that’s the way it should all happen. Laugh your way through everything. I wish I would be able to give my own standup act in my own funeral meeting. Laugh at my own death and life. That would be something nah?

I find most comics too boring. Laughter is awesome when the situation is real and fun at the same time. I take real emotions and real incidents and make people laugh. My jokes are spontaneous and not rehearsed. That’s what I like about my own jokes and speech. Then of course as the occasion demands it, I intersperse with real intelligent comments and bring the seriousness back on the table. I actually taught the kids something on both the occasions and what I taught was significant.

To my students of case studies I taught them that by themselves case study is useless and with no ability to help them. But if you see it as a story and enjoy the story telling then you figure that it’s more fun and from there it’s up to you to take what you can from it rather than force a moral down your head. In office, I explained how significant their job is within the firm and within the finance industry.

When you try and teach, one thing I have learnt is that there is no such thing such as teaching something. It is up to the person receiving to figure what they want to learn from it. You can push anything down in anyone’s mind. Teaching is a process of drip irrigation at best. Keep putting small small things into people’s mind and see how they take root. A lot like inception.

Inception as a kick ass crazy movie. The key point is that to put an idea in someone’s brain is very difficult. You have put it in a way that they believe it theirs and once it takes root it is impossible to eradicate. How do I put an idea into a person’s mind in way that it is his? It cannot be by brute force. It has to be by smaller drips. The mind has to be fertile enough to bear fruit as well. The seed must be dropped but the fruit must be that of the recipient.

What a subtle art this thing is. It requires immense amount of patience and a willingness to let go of the fruit.

Recently with a startup that was seeking my advice, I simply asked them to reorient their brains on some basic parameters on how they look at business and boom – sales soared. Just a realignment of objective and the way you look at them. Simple. I hope the seed dropped in his head and now it’s up to him to see the growth the way he deems fit.

See movies are like this. Stories are like this. You take a story and see what you want to learn from it. That is the best way to learn. Not by teaching. Moral science class, no matter how stupid they were, I think they were effective explaining the principals by stories. Same is religion and the myths and the epics. Story telling can give context and richness to behavior. Stories.

simple life

20 years of being married. This Saturday. But it’s already been 28 years of knowing each other. So it’s a difficult milestone to celebrate. And for a couple that is highly practical parents of a young child, it no big deal. Where do we celebrate? Should we go somewhere?

This is similar to the question that I ask my self – what is Jispa’s life untested by faith. Just because we haven’t taught her to pray, I wonder what will happen in adversity. Who will she look to for help? Will it better or worse for her? Similarly – Jasmine and I have been a practical couple. We have known each other for 28 years and I guess since the last 20 years we haven’t really given each other gifts for anniversaries and birthdays. We figured that both our lives are fairly intertwined. We have equal and joint control and visibility on our bank accounts. We know how much money is there or not. We know exactly what the other wants and we buy what we want. It’s not like we hold to expensive things. If it something we want and we will use, we buy. There is no real gifting opportunity.

If it’s impractical to buy it then we don’t buy it. It might be expensive or will not be used or whatever, then we don’t buy it and we don’t bother about it. Hence we can’t buy each other anything. I know she feels and I know I feel that we should gift each other something from time to time but whenever we think about it we look at each other and go… nahhh!

We have even told each other that we would NOT appreciate a surprise party. DON’T EVER DO IT! We have warned each other about it. Probably we are too bored about celebrating it or too practical but definitely we would appreciate a surprise party. Forget surprise, we don’t even appreciate parties.

In the new house, for sure our socializing has gone up. Significantly. We can have larger groups of people coming over and enjoying together. We seem to like people coming home and we play games together. Which reminds me – I have to buy more games. Whenever I get an opportunity.

But in the new house we have stocked enough and we have structured our house in way that we cater to more people having fun. We have a well-stocked pantry cupboard next to the dining table which in turn in next to the windows, occupying the best place in the living room. Cause that is where we figured is the best place to cater to our friends. When we have friends over and we are playing games, no one moves from that place for hours. We practically spend the entire evening/ night or day sitting in just one place. The secondary fridge is also next to it making getting up only a matter of going to the loo.

That’s been our life. We like to keep things simple and practical. You don’t need too much to enjoy. You work hard, save enough, invest more. That’s it. I think we are too practical for anything. Too practical to enjoy gifting.

But I remember my tenth anniversary. We had an event the next day in Grand Hyatt. I want to remember the 20^th. What should I do? Let me see if Jasmine’s wants to book a restaurant for dinner. Let’s see. Just a quiet dinner at a nice simple place. That would be nice. Let’s see.