train train

I want to take a train ride somewhere. I desperately want to take the train.

I love train journeys. I don’t know I have some interesting memories of them. As a kid we always went everywhere in trains. May brother and me loved the top berth and jumping in after climbing up. Over the years, I have seen the trains get dirty and the bathrooms become even dirtier. I don’t know if I am up to it too much these days, but the call of the train is coming back. I want to go somewhere in a train.

The stress of work is getting to me right now and I need to escape and wind down somewhere. I think a train journey gives you the perfect escape, the gentle rocking of the train, nothing to do but look out of the window and see the amazing Indian landscape just run by. At speed. I remember the trees at the distance. Zipping by. Then I would focus on the next tree coming into view only to see it zip by. Then the bridges over the small roads. Then the huts. And the people, the villagers in cycles, waiting for the train to go by before they cross over.

Even thinking about it makes me feel a little happier, a funny feeling comes over me. A feeling that I might have lost that little feeling of emptiness. Being happy with emptiness, not being stressed out and not being bothered with doing nothing. Just relaxing and forgetting work/ school/ friends etc, everything, anything. I want to go a train trip.

I like waiting for my turn to use the wash basin, and then stand by the door, leaning out and getting your face hit by the wind.

I have some crazy memories. One was when we were going forth and coming back from a youth music conference at Dehradun, with my friends and some other delegates. It was Mumbai to Dehradun in the middle of summer. And playing UNO all day on the way back.

Second one was – Going to Delhi from Agra with Jasmine on our honey moon. We met the rowdies who didn’t want us to put out the berth and let us sleep in a booked berth. Just because it was their daily routine. I think I would have gotten beaten up, if not for a fellow traveler who engaged them in a long conversation. Thanks, you nameless beautiful friend.

Third – My friend V-inu and I, going to Allahabad from Mumbai to attend the Ardh Kumbh festival. We were stuck together in an AC first class coupe for a day and a half with an air freshener that put out a hideously sweet perfume every 30 minutes.

Fourth – the many many trips I had going to Gujarat and back, with family. It was always something interesting when we got into the train in the evening and then have dinner of theplas, aloo sabzi, dahi and chundo.

Fifth – going to Kerala from Mumbai in the old route that took us from the heart of Maharashtra to Andhra Pradesh (now Telangana), when in the evening you will see the landscape of large rocks and hard ground. In the morning you wake up and the train has somehow reversed its orientation and going in the opposite direction of what it was when you slept. And boom, you are in Kerala, green and dense and crazy beautiful.

Sixth – my train ride from Rajkot to Mumbai, where I got the ticket an hour before the train left in Tatkal. My cousin put me on it. As I slept in the side berth, I was woken up by some of the fellow passengers. My wallet had slipped from my back pocket and had fallen. I picked it up and thanked them. That train ride I wouldn’t forget because, I reached home to know that my dad passed away in the evening. No cell phone those days. Ya. It’s a bit of tough memory, that ride.

Seventh – I don’t know from where to where but I remember in a train as a child and my dad outside on the platform and I remember wanting dad to get back in, before he misses the train. Of course there was no chance of him missing it but still, that fear was there in me as a child. I must have been 5 or so.

Eight – train ride as a kid from Nerul to Matheran, in a toy train. Aww, come on. Who doesn’t remember those rides?

Ninth – recent one from Delhi, we took the train back just for Jispa to get a feel of the train. I remember sitting in the Rajdhani on the top side berth with her and explaining the US elections to her. It was a nice long conversation.

Tenth? Guess that yet to come.

Two / three train journeys I want to do now – To Bharatpur see bird sanctuary and back, to Delhi and see Red Fort and back, to Ahmedabad and Manek chowk eating and back. Let’s see.

Bonus feature. Song from Bunty and Bubli. I loved this song and loved listening to it with Jispa when she was little!

anger

Anger. It’s such a crazy emotion. It gets you nowhere. I have never my anger ever help me with anything or in any situation. Yet I let it flow. With my level of thinking and self-awareness, how do I let this happen to myself? How do I let anger get the better of me?

We Doshi’s supposedly are hard wired to be an angry type. We have a lot of anger issues. It’s a stupid bloody emotion. Where does it come from? I have often wondered. Small things can get us to flare up. When I was much younger, I remember dad trying to calm me down and tell me to remain cool. My brother and I used to fight a lot. We were two years apart and like chalk and cheese. I don’t think we have any core values or behavior overlapping in a Venn diagram. So it was chaos growing up. There were hardly any instances where he would have my back and would take my side.

One of the things I think he would get really irritated with me was my anger. When we used to play cricket on the streets, there were always lots of disputes. Football is an easier sport than cricket. You don’t need a referee in street football. You simply get rid of the basic hindrances, such as bad tackling and there, you play the game. It is impossible to play cricket without an umpire, though.

First of all, there is the LBW rule. This is a crazy rule which is totally in control of an umpire who must decide if the ball was going to hit the stumps if it had not hit your leg. Oh freak. This was so contentious that we simply got rid of it most of the times in street cricket.  Then the ability to effect a run out, taking a clean catch, or simply did the ball travel in line with the make believe wickets on top of the three stones we put.

Needless to add, fights and arguments were common in street cricket, as invariably the umpire was a highly biased person from the batting side. The funny bits would come if the umpire would be biased against his own side, giving a batsman out just so that he gets his batting earlier. This was the funniest ever. I learnt to get into fights and argue with the players, umpires and team mates. It was all par for the course. Keep arguing and fighting. Everyone did it. One would get might angry doing it. I think I stopped till one day my brother had enough of me. He pulled me one side and asked me “is there a trophy or cup for this game that you will get? Why are you arguing?” I remember that moment till this date. Why fight on these matters.

My brother and I fought on other matters that had significant importance. So significant that I don’t remember them at all. But we fought. Like cats and dogs. It would end bitterly, especially as I was the angry one and he was stronger. Dad would have to get involved numerous times. According to me, I had a sense of right and wrong. I would hate being wronged. Many a times Dad would calm me down.

I would hate that. I wanted justice not calming down. Today I see his wisdom.  Dad too had a temper that I know he spent a long time controlling. He also told me the same thing that I say today. Anger never helped anyone.

I hate myself these days. Really really do hate myself. I get angry and it hurts me. I can get angry at people in office doing stupid things and it can erupt. I can get angry at my family and it can erupt. But I try and bring it down and refuse to fight so many times. But I don’t know what effect it might have on me and my health. Is keeping it suppressed the right answer or reaching an impossible nirvana stage where one doesn’t get angry at all, the right answer.

Some of my friends wonder how calm I am. That makes me laugh. I am not calm at all. Over years I have learnt not to let so many things affect me. Most of the time it’s a simple question – is there a trophy in this for me? If not – no worries.

The problem is when there is a trophy. At home and at work. Work is easy. You have to perform or you risk getting out. At home – passions run deep. I think I am done with anger. Jispa and Jasmine do stupid things to get into each other’s hair and I get caught in the cross fire. I think I have a resolution to make here. At least I want to… Not to interfere or do anything that causes a dissonance with my own core values. This is just too much to bear. It’s like a millstone that weighs me down.

But this is the classical Keynes versus Hayek dilemma in economics. Should you interfere or should you let the free hand of the market work for you as over the long term equilibrium will be found. The problem is of time. Equilibrium is good for greater good as a society, as a life of a society is measured in centuries. Our selfish lives are much shorter.

My dad died at age 58, I am 44. What should I live for? It’s a fun question. Jispa is 17. We have her for two years more. Just 2. Then she goes. What do we do with her now? I am of the view that we must now cut her bindings that tie her home. It is now her thing what she wants to do or not. Why should we keep her chained to us? My job now is limited to trying to get a few thigs that sound to both and to pay for her basic studies. What else? I don’t want to interfere in her swimming, sport, studies and what not.

I am coming to the conclusion that it does not matter to me now. I cannot influence it and more importantly, I shouldn’t. When I was 17 I did not need any parental overhang. Why do I give it now? This is serious. It potentially will create more conflict in the short run but I think Hayek may prevail in the long. Things will settle down to an equilibrium. An equilibrium that is sustainable and happy to all, or at least ‘least unhappy’ to all.

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I seem to be writing very morose and depressed things these days. Arrgh. I don’t like this side of me. It can’t sustain for long. Not in my head. Let’s talk on some positive things.

Jispa managed to push us to get her enrolled for the Otter’s Club swim program. The coach is an Indian swim champion who just retired. So he is young and hip. Plus he seems to be having modern techniques. That makes it great for Jispa. She also swims with good swimmers and champions. That’s great company for her. Jispa really pushed for 6 months for this. I am glad it happened for her.

I am not sure if it will make her a great swimmer but I am sure it was help her become a good coach. I think she has in it to become a brilliant coach. She has a skillset for it.

Next – I love board games. Finally in my life, I have the money to buy them, a house big enough to play them and time to get friends over who enjoy them. I love board games. It is the one joy in my life that right now with a non-working knee, I enjoy. So we are playing games, like Guillotine, Catan, Secret Hitler etc. I am enjoying it like crazy. I want to get every opportunity to get friends over and play all night long. I want to buy more games. I want a cupboard full of them.

I love coffee but I cant have too much. I get caffeine addiction. So bought myself decaf! Awesomeness knows no bounds.

 bonus video from an amazing movie - inside out. its brilliant and based on what we understand of the human brain.