you made me

I am so upset right now. really really upset.

I joined Jaihind college with a lot of dreams in my head. It was the 90’s. Life was full of insecurity. Parents would urge you to study – that was the only way out of the drudgery of life. Studying gave you and opportunity like no other. In fact that’s a wrong thing… no one or rather nothing gave you an opportunity. But if you did not study you knew you had no opportunity. I joined Jai Hind college because Jasmine joined it. It’s of course not that simple. Jasmine was applying in that college and I remember the phone call clearly. I had got around the same percentage as hers and I remember asking her on the phone that if you can, surely I would as well. So that’s my thing with Jai Hind. It was in Town and there was a huge uproar from mom when I stated that I wanted to join this college. But then I have already written about this and the way my brother fought for me on this issue.

The thing is that I remember not having too much self-belief while I joined college. I was plagued by doubt. I had no clue if I could ever do anything in college and if I could do anything after college. A BCOM student would get a job worth 10K a month writing accounts. And life was not going to run on 10K a month. What was college going to give you in the end? A degree? That’s about it. Some friends who would possibly help you later in your life? Who would stand by you… just because you went through shit together. It’s not that easy. You have to be a part of the group and do shit together to really be thick with each other and keep those bonds strong. For me this was a group of a couple of friends – one of whom I married. What else would college give. Definitely not studies that were going to be useful to you later in your life.

Basically college did nothing much than serve as a social gathering spot. The only thing you learn is to be more socially acceptable. That itself requires a lot of belief which I think I had lacked. I was the confident outspoken guy but – I still never knew what I was going to do with my life. And really no one can really tell you what to do with your life. It is something that you have to get to yourself. And in this set up – suddenly a few teachers come up who decide that they want to do something about you and with you and shape you and give you belief in ways you never thought possible. I think they too did not know it as well. I am sure they knew that they were doing good for you but i am also sure they did not know how they were doing good for you.

My first interaction with Mrs Dias happened thanks to Spic Macay – it was a society for promoting classical music and culture amongst youth. They came to campus to recruit us and I happily went along as the meetings on Saturday were near home at Matunga. Mrs Dias was teaching us one of the subjects and she asked the class who would come. I also formed deeper bonds with our good friend V-inu there. There Dias nominated me to lead the Jai Hind chapter and I worked with her on the events.  This was in First year Bcom. Then next year I was the assistant secretary to  the main secretary of the Hobby Centre. I joined that just thanks to Dias. Whereever she was – I would be happy to follow. In the third year – I became the secretary of Jai Hind college Hobby Centre. This was the big high in my life. This was thanks to Dias. She would actively promote me and towards the end of the year she aske dme to fill in my achievemnets and give her. She had nominated me for the awards for the best student. Finally I did not get that one – but I got the award that said – ‘Principal’s award for extra curricular activities’. This is the second best award of the school. Ahead of the second best student of the year. It seems I missed this by just a whisker – Dias pushed my case but some teachers were not in complete favor.

More than this – I think the only thing a young student needs is some level of interaction with an understanding adult. An adult who believes in him and his abilities. Who simply pushes you by giving you responsibility and freedom and the willingness to back you.  This was in many ways what Dias did. She only backed me – that’s all. She backed me with the complete trust that she had and that made me better. Simple. She was the anchor  of my college life. What she said or what she believed of me or simply what I thought she thought of me itself gave me a lot of confidence. More than anything its self-belief that helps. As a young growing teen, you know you have in you. You know that life will figure out right and that life is full of hardships and uncertainty – the fact that a teacher of yours thinks you are cool and you are ok, this is something that you hold on to when you step out of college. This counts for a lot.

Now after 20 years, I would claim to have said that I have reasonably turned out well. I haven’t sold my company for a 100 crores or anything like that but I am there – achieved whatever I have and most importantly I have self belief. When I look back at the professors who believed in me – Prof Dias stands out. I love her dearly and really wish her well. last week – she passed away. I came ot know of this yesterday. Even thinking about it makes me upset – really upset. Tears well up and I cant feel happy. She had more belief in me than my parents. She was the pillar and the anchor. She was amazing. She cared about me. At the time I was going around with Jasmine and she just gave both of us equal work. She accepted our relationship as casually as ever. Only at the end after I had passed out , she asked me once – do your parents know. By then they did. She was the best. Jasmine and me pooled in some money and we bought her some small gold ear rings. We wanted to show her we loved her. We invited her to our marriage and were so happy she came. She finally retired as the vice principal of the college. She was very dear to me.

I think when you are reasonably successful you luck back at the times when you weren’t so and think a bit. At the time you were a piece of shit but some people trusted you, believed in you or were your friends. They were there with you at the start. They don’t care about where you are right now. These professors and friends are something I value the most. Now at 40 – I am at an age that I see death and I am none too wiser. I understand this inevitability but as I just realized – I can’t really be unaffected by it. I am that emotional. Possibly I am what I cannot understand myself to be.

Professor Dias – you shaped me in a way you cannot imagine. Your belief in me helped me push harder. You trusted me when many wouldn’t. I don’t want this occasion to thank others. There have been others but there has been none like you. Jasmine and me both owe you a lot. Thank you.

I hope to be a better teacher and a better human. I hope to give that what you gave me to others who possibly seek it from me. That would be my ultimate tribute to you.

I am upset but this piece makes me feel better. A little lighter. I have done my crying. I am a little stronger.