you made me

I am so upset right now. really really upset.

I joined Jaihind college with a lot of dreams in my head. It was the 90’s. Life was full of insecurity. Parents would urge you to study – that was the only way out of the drudgery of life. Studying gave you and opportunity like no other. In fact that’s a wrong thing… no one or rather nothing gave you an opportunity. But if you did not study you knew you had no opportunity. I joined Jai Hind college because Jasmine joined it. It’s of course not that simple. Jasmine was applying in that college and I remember the phone call clearly. I had got around the same percentage as hers and I remember asking her on the phone that if you can, surely I would as well. So that’s my thing with Jai Hind. It was in Town and there was a huge uproar from mom when I stated that I wanted to join this college. But then I have already written about this and the way my brother fought for me on this issue.

The thing is that I remember not having too much self-belief while I joined college. I was plagued by doubt. I had no clue if I could ever do anything in college and if I could do anything after college. A BCOM student would get a job worth 10K a month writing accounts. And life was not going to run on 10K a month. What was college going to give you in the end? A degree? That’s about it. Some friends who would possibly help you later in your life? Who would stand by you… just because you went through shit together. It’s not that easy. You have to be a part of the group and do shit together to really be thick with each other and keep those bonds strong. For me this was a group of a couple of friends – one of whom I married. What else would college give. Definitely not studies that were going to be useful to you later in your life.

Basically college did nothing much than serve as a social gathering spot. The only thing you learn is to be more socially acceptable. That itself requires a lot of belief which I think I had lacked. I was the confident outspoken guy but – I still never knew what I was going to do with my life. And really no one can really tell you what to do with your life. It is something that you have to get to yourself. And in this set up – suddenly a few teachers come up who decide that they want to do something about you and with you and shape you and give you belief in ways you never thought possible. I think they too did not know it as well. I am sure they knew that they were doing good for you but i am also sure they did not know how they were doing good for you.

My first interaction with Mrs Dias happened thanks to Spic Macay – it was a society for promoting classical music and culture amongst youth. They came to campus to recruit us and I happily went along as the meetings on Saturday were near home at Matunga. Mrs Dias was teaching us one of the subjects and she asked the class who would come. I also formed deeper bonds with our good friend V-inu there. There Dias nominated me to lead the Jai Hind chapter and I worked with her on the events.  This was in First year Bcom. Then next year I was the assistant secretary to  the main secretary of the Hobby Centre. I joined that just thanks to Dias. Whereever she was – I would be happy to follow. In the third year – I became the secretary of Jai Hind college Hobby Centre. This was the big high in my life. This was thanks to Dias. She would actively promote me and towards the end of the year she aske dme to fill in my achievemnets and give her. She had nominated me for the awards for the best student. Finally I did not get that one – but I got the award that said – ‘Principal’s award for extra curricular activities’. This is the second best award of the school. Ahead of the second best student of the year. It seems I missed this by just a whisker – Dias pushed my case but some teachers were not in complete favor.

More than this – I think the only thing a young student needs is some level of interaction with an understanding adult. An adult who believes in him and his abilities. Who simply pushes you by giving you responsibility and freedom and the willingness to back you.  This was in many ways what Dias did. She only backed me – that’s all. She backed me with the complete trust that she had and that made me better. Simple. She was the anchor  of my college life. What she said or what she believed of me or simply what I thought she thought of me itself gave me a lot of confidence. More than anything its self-belief that helps. As a young growing teen, you know you have in you. You know that life will figure out right and that life is full of hardships and uncertainty – the fact that a teacher of yours thinks you are cool and you are ok, this is something that you hold on to when you step out of college. This counts for a lot.

Now after 20 years, I would claim to have said that I have reasonably turned out well. I haven’t sold my company for a 100 crores or anything like that but I am there – achieved whatever I have and most importantly I have self belief. When I look back at the professors who believed in me – Prof Dias stands out. I love her dearly and really wish her well. last week – she passed away. I came ot know of this yesterday. Even thinking about it makes me upset – really upset. Tears well up and I cant feel happy. She had more belief in me than my parents. She was the pillar and the anchor. She was amazing. She cared about me. At the time I was going around with Jasmine and she just gave both of us equal work. She accepted our relationship as casually as ever. Only at the end after I had passed out , she asked me once – do your parents know. By then they did. She was the best. Jasmine and me pooled in some money and we bought her some small gold ear rings. We wanted to show her we loved her. We invited her to our marriage and were so happy she came. She finally retired as the vice principal of the college. She was very dear to me.

I think when you are reasonably successful you luck back at the times when you weren’t so and think a bit. At the time you were a piece of shit but some people trusted you, believed in you or were your friends. They were there with you at the start. They don’t care about where you are right now. These professors and friends are something I value the most. Now at 40 – I am at an age that I see death and I am none too wiser. I understand this inevitability but as I just realized – I can’t really be unaffected by it. I am that emotional. Possibly I am what I cannot understand myself to be.

Professor Dias – you shaped me in a way you cannot imagine. Your belief in me helped me push harder. You trusted me when many wouldn’t. I don’t want this occasion to thank others. There have been others but there has been none like you. Jasmine and me both owe you a lot. Thank you.

I hope to be a better teacher and a better human. I hope to give that what you gave me to others who possibly seek it from me. That would be my ultimate tribute to you.

I am upset but this piece makes me feel better. A little lighter. I have done my crying. I am a little stronger.

two schools

Schooling is not the only source of learning. Parents who leave the teaching to the teachers are really giving the child the short end of the stick. You need to supplement the teaching t home. Basic concepts need to be drilled in again and again for it to sink in. Like for example let’s take the number line as the building black of mathematics. While doing some subtractions the other day Jasmine was trying to teaching her mental math. She was trying to tell her to go to the nearest ten and then jump tens and then add the ones. Like 75 – 28 is from 28 go to 30, then go to 70 and then add 5. Jispa just got a bit confused with the first 2 to reach 30. At which point I got in and then I realized that Wait – she doesn’t understand the basic concept of numbers.

I explained to her that numbers are in a number line. You have to understand them as in one straight continuous never ending line. This line does not curve. If it curves then suddenly after 100 you may find a zero again. So that will confuse the whole math. So math assumes that numbers are running straight. You have to get that right first. Now the basic building block is adding. So if there is a 4 in a number line and to get to 9 – the distance between them is 5. That simple. Minus is also nothing but adding in reverse. What needs to be added to 28 to get 75 is 75-28. And multiplication is nothing but doing addition again and again. And division is reverse of multiplication (or repeated subtraction as she told me). So think of them in a straight line. This way you will be able to understand and work with numbers better.  I think that helped her understand the numbers better in her brain. Then I spoke to Jasmine later. I told her that she doesn’t have her basics right. Jasmine told me that the number line chapter was taught to her. I said exactly – it was a chapter, it was not taught as the basic building block of mathematics. Also basic building blacks can’t be taught like this. I realize this when I teach in college. There is so much to be taught in school and college that there isn’t enough time for building blacks. You quickly teach a chapter and then you move on. Possibly the syllabus is designed properly – the building block comes in first but then they are completely forgotten. They need to come in again and again in the course of the years and that should help you learn more. In marketing – research and consumer insights must come again and again. What I find most stupid is that research lectures come in the semesters following the marketing lectures. You can’t do anything of marketing if you don’t understand research. It’s that simple. So you need to a bit of research and then you need to do a bit of marketing and then again reinforce some research again. That’s the way. Every year at the start some of the building blocks of math must be taught again – in a little more advanced manner for it to make sense.  Therein lays a problem. Also the teachers are tasked to complete the portion in a predetermined amount of time. Where is the scope for dreaming? Who is tasked to encourage dreaming and explain the practical applicability of the studies done? My solution is to have one period per week where the objective is to ask and discuss the week, and the lectures and the studies, without the pressure of marks or portion or anything else. Surely there is time for this. There are enough free periods in any case.

But for Jispa it’s me for now. Talking about everything else. She is also learning some pretty good stuff, Like doing experiments. They do it the right way. They write a hypothesis and then they have to conduct the experiment and then they are given the apparatus and are asked to do stuff on their own. Its not like our days when we went to the lab just to see the teacher do the experiment and then we had to replicate it. They are allowed to write their own hypothesis. My teacher wrote that stuff on the board and we had to copy it down. Then post the experiment if they get are unable to prove it then they write ‘we learnt that – blah blah blah’. I was explaining to Jispa that this is the perfect way to do things. Proper method is important to the madness. The discipline to write down the objective is so critical to proper thinking. So while the school is pretty cool you need the parent to reinforce the reason why its important to do what they are doing.

But at the same time you have irritating teachers, like her history teacher who on a good day will appreciate a question and on a bad day will publicly flay you for your ideas. Jispa was doing well till her teacher suddenly announced ‘this girl has bookish answers’. What was that for – the question was on what is it that civilization invented? The standard answers that kids were giving were pots and pans etc… Jispa thought a bit and said – religion. Wow. That’s a brilliant thought according to me. I was floored by her thinking. But teacher thought it was bookish. I asked Jispa about it and she said that wasn’t from any book. It was her own mind. If we were to assume that religion helped code a set of values that were necessary for order then religion is crucial to civilization. I keep thinking about it and I keep thinking that it was a brilliant answer. Forget a ten year old, most elders wouldn’t grasp this concept easily. Surely there must have been a form of faith before man settled but both would feed off each other and reach heights together. Good one kid.

Jispa was upset and I explained its ok. Most teachers wouldn’t appreciate all this. “but they told us to share our knowledge at the start”. “yes they did, but teachers are like that. I too get frustrated but still share but don’t bother too much on the outcome”. Then I told her that she has a parent teacher interaction coming up. I will raise this with her irritating teacher. Let’s see where it leads us. I am planning to ask her teacher what was wrong with this answer. And what’s bookish about it? And even if it is wrong or bookish – what’s with the public snub? I am open for a bit of confrontation. Let’s see where that leads us. Of course – all politely of course – as jasmine keeps reminding me. I hope I keep my wits about me.

keeping up with the....

Red, greens, maroons, deep blue, dark browns etc… these are the colors for the season. You have ads all over the place promoting these colors. All the shops sell these colors they are there for the taking in pants and shirts as well as shoes. The pants are tapering and tight and the shirts are tight fitting as well. The fad is well and truly upon us. They are everywhere. And such loud fashion is universal. Right from the slums to the fashion lords on high street. Such loud fashion works well for everyone. I am possibly an old man now. I find it difficult to wear these colors. Nopes these are not for me.

It’s funny how age does it to people. When I was younger I would wear the loud fashion of the season. Bright colors, deep washed denims, colored t shirts and other stuff. One of the things that I loved wearing and that elders never understood was torn jeans or simply shorts. Both were an anathema. They just couldn’t understand why on earth would a grown up want to wear shorts? Isn’t that what you wear in school and isn’t that what you outgrow and mature into pants. And this boy was trying to go back. And torn jeans? Why would anyone want to look poor or as I would rephrase as ‘grunge’. That would be so bloody stupid. Then came the cargo pants. Why would anyone want to wear a pant with so many pockets? Cargo pants came into fashion at around the time Jispa was born. It was a boon. Carrying all of Jispa’s stuff in the many pockets. They really helped me carry my fatherhood with me.

And now – I sit like a fat head refusing to understand the new colors for the clothes they wear. I find myself old, stubborn rigid and stupid. I am reminded of my professor from school. Kantaraju. He used to wear the most boring pants. Flat front, no pleats, straight fit. That must have been the fashion at time he graduated. And he stayed there in the time warp. And I look at my wardrobe and feel, I have gotten stuck. Now what should I do. Should I change with the times? Should I ring out the old and ring in the new? Should I wear mustard tight pants with matching shoes?

I guess not. But I think I must get rid of the old shirts. I am generally not that particular a dresser. I don’t really mind too much about what I wear. I have my own sense of style (or lack of) which I am comfortable with. Over the years it has deteriorated into – screw you types fashion. This is what I wear. Sometimes I again dress up nice and sometimes I just don’t bother. I have shirts in my wardrobe that are possibly 10 years old as well. The average age of my shirts would easily be around 5 years. Possibly more. The cost would also be very low compared to the market. I don’t like spending too much on clothes. But then recently I had one hard look at myself in front of my wardrobe. I think I was becoming a Kantaraju. I was in danger of becoming a relic. I needed to throw out the stuff I don’t want. There are many shirts that are there because I am too cheap to throw them. They sit there, they don’t get worn, and they lie around and gather dust, that’s it. I was telling Jasmine that I need a new wardrobe now. And that can only happen once I rebuild my collection by throwing what I don’t wear and buying stuff that I will wear. Recreate my mix and match styles, fabrics and colors. I need cottons for the summer and woolen blends for the winter. If it means budgeting a fat sum and spending then so be it, but I need to get it done.

So it’s a funny one. While I hate to sound vain and bother about my clothes, I possibly also like to look decent and in line with current trends. And at the same time I am not wearing what these kids wear. That’s not my style. I have my own and it needs to evolve. If a marketing guy doesn’t, then who will? Eh?