learn all the time

I was explaining to some guys from my team that as a child my unhappiest memories are when we shifted from Dubai to Mumbai when I was in the fourth grade. We went from a land of everything to a land of nothing. It was just so trying on us kids.

It was made even worse as we as kids saw a side of our cousins which was different. In any case we weren’t so dam close. We stayed far away and came to India once a year for two months. At the time, coming to India from Dubai, you were royalty. You were the guys with all the foreign stuff that you gifted or stuff you brought on request. The bags would open and that would be a lovely thing as everyone would crowd around. When I grew up I made it a point not be around when bags open. When Jasmine’s brother or aunt would come in from US, I would be doubly sure not to be in the same room. I don’t want to be that person wanting something from abroad. Of course, India too has changed a lot. We have a lot here that we can get and we too got a bit richer than what we were and hence can afford it without being gifted – but still – no hanging around in anticipation. I don’t like it.

To add to that I think a little bit of political play happened. We would come and stay at our grand mom place – my Mom’s mom. She was extremely rich and my grand dad was a self-made millionaire with two buildings and a factory that printed labels. My granddad passed away many years before I was born. In fact he passed away before my mom and dad were married. The family steadily went into decline from then on. We were still rich, the factory was managed but the brothers couldn’t get along and slowly – nothing was really happening. So by then it was a household that was rich – but the fighting was slowly being brought to center stage. Then my grand mom contracted cancer. That was a bloody blow. That was the final hinge in the family door coming loose.

I think a wave on insecurity passed around the cousins. I was too small but in hindsight and from some of the conversations that I heard later, I realized that it just dint do too good for the family. In that atmosphere, I came in to Mumbai to settle down. Dad took another year and mom shuttled a bit.

Suddenly as I was telling them this story it struck me that in my office and in my own team the same is true. Around a month back I announced to the team that I was leaving. At first it was shock followed a little sadness and soon enough - given time – cracks started surfacing. Insecurity is such a big thing in our heads. People started bitching, back biting, started wondering about their roles, their future – power struggles started and funny things started happening. I am so upset with all this.

In many ways this is no different than the death of my grand mom. Here too a person is going with notice period. Here I can’t even settle the affairs completely as I would have wanted to. I don’t know whom I am handing over the stuff to. This uncertainty is what driving my office kids nuts. I hate how some of them have behaved and how they have easily declared war and how they decided to make space for themselves. The spoils are there for eating and to wait is to end up being late. So make your move.

All insecure people have a standard ploy – they build allies with others. Typically other insecure or weak people. They create trouble by building teams of us versus them.  They feed off each others insecurities or rather feed into each other’s insecurities. They waste their time and effort in trying to plot, plan and gather as much as they can for their own clan. This is a self- killing spiral. Of course it works well in many cases. Especially when the person on top is also insecure. Then he likes all these jokers. In fact many bosses I know like their kids to be insecure. They like it if they fight off each other. In secure people never ever build long term allies. They are busy plotting and scheming all the time that they don’t see anyone as full time allies. Their enemies are other insecure people and funnily – other extremely secure people. They can’t understand why anyone can be really secure. They think these secure people are put on and are not genuine. That makes them even more prone to plotting against them.

It’s a vicious circle. I see this everywhere… even amongst kids and adults alike. Cliques and gangs are built. The only real remedy is to stay away from these. There is no hope for them and there is no hope for you with them. As I have said before – even listening to them is damaging for yourself.

At 40 I learn new lessons. People are like this all the time. I give out a lot of love with my kids at office. But some of them love you back and some of them just create more issues for you. some have not really loved you but have only used your love to get themselves more secure. And as you leave they search for security elsewhere. Bah!

You learn… all the time!