joy to ego

Yo. Mental state is such a fickle thing. So many things affect it. We are unable to understand how it really works and how it affects us, there are so many variables. And its not like its in your control and that you have ot be aware. Even if you are aware there is very little to do anything about it. Because ta the time you are so consumed by it that even if aware you are helpless.

When you are angry, you know you are angry, you know it’s bad for you and the other person, but still you let anger take control. Then it takes some serious will power to control it. Sometimes the will power itself exhausts you and that causes more trouble. My god this is such a tough thing.

I have also learnt that mental state is also affected by the food we consume. For me – coffee is a big thing. Caffeine has such a positive influence on me, its amazing. It drives away lethargy and keeps my mind active and I like to do work. I genuinely enjoy the caffeine kick I get. Be it from a coca cola or from a coffee. Coffee highs are brilliant.

But like my lactose problem I have also seen a coffee problem. If I have coffee two days in a row I am jammed. I get withdrawal on the third day. I must have coffee, or I get a splitting headache. So I keep a gap of at least one day in the middle before I have another coffee. Now my body is getting used to thing. It now craves coffee every 48 hours if that is what I train it for. Man.

Now I have to keep confusing the body on the caffeine dependency. Sometimes, one day, sometimes two, sometimes a three day gap, nothing predictable and routinised. I know it sounds funny, even I don’t believe it but my body just adapts to this.

I get very angry with this. I am lactose intolerant which I have learned to live with. No complaints there. Life goes on. Then I realised I can digest certain pulses. They give me gas and the gas gives me a subsequent migraine type headache. Not very bad but irritating enough. Then, damn you, I realised that I can’t handle potatoes. WTF. Potatoes. Now this is the limit. No pulses, no milk products and no potatoes. And coffee which must be timed. I can’t be living. I am dead man walking.

The last thing I know need is gluten intolerance. Then we are done. End of story. Eat fresh air and love long!

The plus side – I probably eat much better thanks to all these restrictions. Less fatty foods and more simple nice food. This is a good thing – but that doesn’t mean I am happy. But the most irritating one for me is the coffee. I WANT COFFEE EVERYDAY.

Jasmine view on this is simple. Drink it every day. If you are drinking there is no issue. You get coffee everywhere; you get coke everywhere. Drink it and feel happy. Why you so upset. You only get a headache if you DON’T drink it. For drinking it there is no issue.

Arrrggh. I don’t know what the right logic on this is. Drinking it or not. On one hand I hate to be dependent on anything, but on the other, it’s a simple joy of life that I can have for myself. I genuinely love coffee. I don’t smoke or drink or eat crazy expensive foods everyday. I wear cheap 10$ watches and I wear the same jeans for years on end. Why would I not give myself some simple joys.

I think I should try this. Everyday morning pour myself a nice cup of coffee and enjoy my life. A cup of coffee can’t kill you. Still – my ego to not be dependent on anything comes in my way of adopting this life. I can’t get this. Ego versus joy. What must win? I am so conflicted on this one. Let me see.