What the hell man. It doesn’t take long for parents to grow
horns. The devil inside of us is lurking and shows up at the opportune moment.
When Jispa was born my mindset was vastly different from
where it is today. One the things I was happy with a girl was – she doesn’t really
need to study. No – I was not being sexist but I knew that the world wouldn’t accept
a guy who is a failure. While I was growing up the guy thing was clear. You are
a guy and hence you have to study and make your life and earn money and be
successful. If you are a girl – you figure what you want. Jasmine wasn’t forced
in to studying well and graduating. I think it was just a happy thing to do. When
Jasmine after studying decided not to come with me into MBA – she had done
enough of studying and exams – she wasn’t questioned. When she was at home
doing almost nothing – no one bothered. She was settled in and was in many ways
engaged to me – the big question was – was I earning enough. Does my financial
future look good enough?
So when Jispa was born I was so happy. I will not push her
to study and she would be free to do what she wanted to. She would play, lean an
art, draw, cook, swim, kick ass – anything. We wanted her to be free. All this
resulted in a great childhood – till she hit the 4th or more recently
the 5th standard. Now we are assholes after her life. We want her to
study. We ensure she studies. Till last year Jasmine would take up her studies,
but this year on – Jasmine had decided that she will study on her own. Just
ensure she sits to study and that’s all. Her grades were ok so far. Now exams
are on our head and Jasmine this weekend decided to just check up on her and
decided to take up her Hindi. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. She wasn’t that prepared
for the Hindi test and she needed a lot of help.
I found this similar to the situation that I was in when I was
her age. I remember my mom leaving me to study and once just on a lark deciding
to take up and BOOM. I knew nothing and wasn’t
ready for the exam. SO now we are after her. We are making her study every day.
Exams start this week – Thursday with Hindi. So there it is. We are pushing her
to study, we are taking up stuff, today I woke up early and woke her up as well
and did history with her. Wow. I sacrificed my badminton and got ready with her
and sat to study. Basically I became the father that I never wanted to be. Never.
Goddam it!
What do I do? I keep thinking? On one side I have to be the father
who is fun all the time and on the other side I have this niggling doubt – if my
mom would have pushed me and made me study; not by simply making me sit, but
being after me – taking up, setting goals, pushing me – I would have been able
to study better, earn better and make a better career for myself. So what do I do?
I spoke about Freedom in one old post. When you want the freedom to choose some freedom must be taken away from you. In effect we are
taking some freedom away from Jispa. We are taking away her freedom to choose
her childhood time so that we give her the freedom to choose when the time
comes to choose her career. If she does well in in her studies can she have the
freedom to pursue whatever field she wants to. That is the truth of our system.
Exams are not attest of knowledge – they are a test of time. What all you know
in that period of time – not your understanding and what you retain over a
longer period – but what you know at that time. This TIME creates the pressure.
SO as we teach Jispa – we are cramming into the brain something that will help
her for this time. Like Hindi – dam shit – I cant understand why you need to be
able to write Q&A in Hindi. I struggle to teach Jispa Hindi and there are a
lot of words that I have no idea of. Swachand! WTF! I understand the need to
know how to read and write Hindi. I believe it’s critical but not this way. You
have to inculcate the love of the language – teach them how to talk in Hindi
and not cram in Hindi. Get conversations flowing and then get the questions and
answers flowing. Jispa is simply cramming the answers of the chapter. There are
no discussions. A little bit that I do is allow her to express the answers in
her own words. Jasmine is a bit stricter in this respect – but this I am happy
to fight for. As long as the answer is written to the point – it does not
matter if it is by rote. Therefore I allow for a bit of leniency but that is
still no excuse – it still is a big F*&^*^ mug up.
So yes – I have sold my soul – once again. Hopefully – it’s for
the right reason. Isn’t that the last refuge of the thief? The right reason. I don’t
know. I try to be different and try to commit a different set of mistakes, but
in the end – I feel so helpless. When I lose my cool while studying I feel
really miserable. I don’t think Jispa will have too many happy memories of me
teaching her school stuff. I am really bad at it and my frustration shows. I am
jumpy and irritable and I tend to snap at Jasmine and Jispa. I am sorry. I try
my best to then regain cool and ensure it doesn’t last too long. So far my only redeeming feature is that I haven't ever scolded her for bad results. That's the outcome. I rather focus on the input. I hope to never stoop that low. I am equally responsible for a result as she is. But i have also learnt never to say never when talking about the future. that word is only good for the past. Lets See.
But hell – grow horns – chop them off - that’s parenting 101 for you. For me.
Now you understood the need of the comma in the title?
