process over results

This month is possibly going down as the most confused month i have had since a long bloody time. Ever since i started the blog, one thing remained firm - at least one post a month. I thought that this month is going to be an epic month. I would have just started working in my new firm and there would be plenty of updates and hence plenty to talk about. The truth is that there was plenty to talk about and plenty to update.  A lot of things happened in this month. i think the problem was reverse, so much happened that actually a paralysis happened on what all to talk about.

The new job has been a roller coaster of emotions. Too many emotions to handle. I tried working hard… really hard, i tried giving freedom, i tried letting go, i tried everything. Sometimes things just cant move that easy. 

on the home front - there was another battle of epic proportions! Jispa had her exams and this time she was to prepare for it on her own. Five days before her math paper she asked for help. I sit down with her only to realise that she not only requires help - she requires a complete revision of the entire portion. Everything. She might have understood while the teacher taught but now, its gone for her head. I had to do almost every sum in the text book. So in 5 days i had to cram in a few months of work. the stress and the tension of all this was extremely high and impossible to handle. We were so angry at her. Overtime we used to ask her and she was maintained that she understood and had studied her portion. But when we did math - she was completely off. So everyday i would reach home and get her to study. we would do sums from the notebook. Certain stuff, i could teach her, but certain stuff, she had to teach me before i understood enough to teach it back to her. How was this even possible… I have no clue. On one occasion, we had house the powers of youtube to help us. Finding the squad root of a number using division method. This was something completely alien to me and Jasmine. So we studied on youtube and then explained what Jispa had written in her notebook.

This was a project that Jasmine and me had to do together. In the end - it was so intense that it consumed all our free time. We were so pissed at Jispa. She would have failed for sure if we had not intervened. At the end - her paper went off pretty ok. there was one question which a real googly. something that required me to think quite a bit before i could safely answer. Jasmine too was confused on that one. this was not even something that was taught in class. I don't understand this - I understand asking questions outside the base, but asking questions that aren't tackled in class at some level - i disagree. but still it did really matter. We told Jispa that now onwards - you are not studying only by yourself. You will study on Saturdays with us and you will do a lot of math. Also i told her - give your exam with no worries - now whatever you get in math we wont tell you anything.

Jispa sis not quite understand this. Why would we scold her and make her study and then tell her to forget about the marks. Its simple really. Process matters not results. thats what i have always maintained. If you insist on studying on your own and not want us to interfere then you get good marks. But if you get us involved from the start itself and allow us to help you and push you to do better, then in the end your results are our results and we are in it together. Math we did together. We should have started earlier and done better, but its ok now. you have got enough stress from us on this itself. So now lets focus on the exams which you give without stress.

I have had the stress of exams for a long time. I hated them. For many years afterwards i still got nightmares on giving exams. that i have reached the exam hall and i am not prepared for the papers. i am blank in front of the paper. I did not want to give this stress to Jispa. Invariably there is enough on her. It seems after the math paper - a lot of kids cried.  Around 10-15 girls and a couple of guys cried that either they could not finish or the paper was tough. Jasper didn’t. thank God! After all - it was just a  math paper and nothing much beyond.  there is no point stressing so much. Even the class topper cried. Whats the point in being topper, if you cry after the paper. Seesh.

So now i am dying to see how I fared in the math paper. Or how we all fared in the math paper. The stress of this is too much to bear.

So that came along with my new job and screwed my brains twice over.

It was a great month. Also this new job, i sit outside in the bay and i dont have a keyboard draw and it hurts to type so much on the laptop, plus i have taken a mac for the first time… ohhh… this is going to be painful! But at least - i hit the one post per month minimum program!

teach her, to be free?

What the hell man. It doesn’t take long for parents to grow horns. The devil inside of us is lurking and shows up at the opportune moment.

When Jispa was born my mindset was vastly different from where it is today. One the things I was happy with a girl was – she doesn’t really need to study. No – I was not being sexist but I knew that the world wouldn’t accept a guy who is a failure. While I was growing up the guy thing was clear. You are a guy and hence you have to study and make your life and earn money and be successful. If you are a girl – you figure what you want. Jasmine wasn’t forced in to studying well and graduating. I think it was just a happy thing to do. When Jasmine after studying decided not to come with me into MBA – she had done enough of studying and exams – she wasn’t questioned. When she was at home doing almost nothing – no one bothered. She was settled in and was in many ways engaged to me – the big question was – was I earning enough. Does my financial future look good enough?

So when Jispa was born I was so happy. I will not push her to study and she would be free to do what she wanted to. She would play, lean an art, draw, cook, swim, kick ass – anything. We wanted her to be free. All this resulted in a great childhood – till she hit the 4^th or more recently the 5^th standard. Now we are assholes after her life. We want her to study. We ensure she studies. Till last year Jasmine would take up her studies, but this year on – Jasmine had decided that she will study on her own. Just ensure she sits to study and that’s all. Her grades were ok so far. Now exams are on our head and Jasmine this weekend decided to just check up on her and decided to take up her Hindi. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. She wasn’t that prepared for the Hindi test and she needed a lot of help.

I found this similar to the situation that I was in when I was her age. I remember my mom leaving me to study and once just on a lark deciding to take up and BOOM.  I knew nothing and wasn’t ready for the exam. SO now we are after her. We are making her study every day. Exams start this week – Thursday with Hindi. So there it is. We are pushing her to study, we are taking up stuff, today I woke up early and woke her up as well and did history with her. Wow. I sacrificed my badminton and got ready with her and sat to study. Basically I became the father that I never wanted to be. Never. Goddam it!

What do I do? I keep thinking? On one side I have to be the father who is fun all the time and on the other side I have this niggling doubt – if my mom would have pushed me and made me study; not by simply making me sit, but being after me – taking up, setting goals, pushing me – I would have been able to study better, earn better and make a better career for myself. So what do I do?

I spoke about Freedom in one old post. When you want the freedom to choose some freedom must be taken away from you. In effect we are taking some freedom away from Jispa. We are taking away her freedom to choose her childhood time so that we give her the freedom to choose when the time comes to choose her career. If she does well in in her studies can she have the freedom to pursue whatever field she wants to. That is the truth of our system. Exams are not attest of knowledge – they are a test of time. What all you know in that period of time – not your understanding and what you retain over a longer period – but what you know at that time. This TIME creates the pressure. SO as we teach Jispa – we are cramming into the brain something that will help her for this time. Like Hindi – dam shit – I cant understand why you need to be able to write Q&A in Hindi. I struggle to teach Jispa Hindi and there are a lot of words that I have no idea of. Swachand! WTF! I understand the need to know how to read and write Hindi. I believe it’s critical but not this way. You have to inculcate the love of the language – teach them how to talk in Hindi and not cram in Hindi. Get conversations flowing and then get the questions and answers flowing. Jispa is simply cramming the answers of the chapter. There are no discussions. A little bit that I do is allow her to express the answers in her own words. Jasmine is a bit stricter in this respect – but this I am happy to fight for. As long as the answer is written to the point – it does not matter if it is by rote. Therefore I allow for a bit of leniency but that is still no excuse – it still is a big F*&^*^ mug up.

So yes – I have sold my soul – once again. Hopefully – it’s for the right reason. Isn’t that the last refuge of the thief? The right reason. I don’t know. I try to be different and try to commit a different set of mistakes, but in the end – I feel so helpless. When I lose my cool while studying I feel really miserable. I don’t think Jispa will have too many happy memories of me teaching her school stuff. I am really bad at it and my frustration shows. I am jumpy and irritable and I tend to snap at Jasmine and Jispa. I am sorry. I try my best to then regain cool and ensure it doesn’t last too long. So far my only redeeming feature is that I haven't ever scolded her for bad results. That's the outcome. I rather focus on the input. I hope to never stoop that low. I am equally responsible for a result as she is. But i have also learnt never to say never when talking about the future. that word is only good for the past. Lets See.

But hell – grow horns – chop them off  - that’s parenting 101 for you. For me. 

Now you understood the need of the comma in the title?