ramble in the morning

Writing is a bloody habit and a skill. I feel that the days I have written my blog regularly, I have written better and the days that I have just lost touch – I have, err… lost touch. I have nothing much to write about. I miss the 2009 days, when I wrote a blog for every working day that I had. It was a particularly fecund time for the blog and also for my mind. I had nothing to do in office but I had loads to read. I think some of that quite dramatically impacted me in a way. I realized that even if there is no work, I can invent work and figure out a way to make life much more productive.

Right now where I have joined, I can still decide to just sit down and relax and let time and tide work its way. I can relax and not push the pedal on anything. But I hate that. I don’t think that defines me. I am defined by the work I like to do and the knowledge I gain. I want to push the people under me to reach their levels of work that they did not think possible. I want to push hard. I don’t know why I am doing this. This is a recipe for disaster, frustration and anger. But I like doing it.

I think over a period of time, I have understood what makes me happy and what drives me. I like this in me. So I guess it’s pretty stupid to stop this. But on the other hand I am 42 years old. So I understand these things about me. I think I have learnt to know that my push is my problem. I can push but people can only take so much. I have the ability today to sit behind as well and relax and chill knowing that things will happen at their own pace. This is what the prime example of opposites reconciling is.

I push but I wait. I demand but don’t expect. I lead but I also allow you to float away. The concept of opposites reconciling is something that only age can teach. Today I understand far more about it that I thought at the start. It is more profound than ever to me. We are a bundle of contradictions. So many times I see people lie, but I don’t think they do it. I think they are merely telling the different truth, again, and this time it’s different.

Sometimes people love me and then the next day they won’t. What’s the truth? Hah! There is none. I have argued much about this in my past blogs. Opposites reconciling is also a case of truth and lies reconciling. It’s also a case of emotions reconciling. An old friend reached out to me after a long time. We were practically out of touch. Her mother passed away. I connected with her and felt for her, but I don’t really feel for her. Move on. Another friend connected with me – she was frustrated with her job. I felt for her, but I don’t feel for her. Another friend…. You know the drift…

In both cases I was warm, genuinely so. This is how emotions are when you are older I guess. You retain the warmth in your heart but you don’t let it fool your brain in wondering if you really care. I think I really care for no one really. Yes I care about my daughter and wife, more so than anything else in the world. But sometimes I wonder if I have become more cynical and hardened over a period of time.

Yesterday for brief time in the night the electricity went out. In her sleep (she didn’t remember it in the morning) Jispa came to our room and asked if the electricity went out, and that it was hot. Jasmine asked to sleep with us, as we have a net window and it was relatively cooler. As Jispa slept, Jasmine fanned her with a newspaper. That is motherly love, untouched by father’s world weary cynicism. I told her not to, but she still did it. Then I took on the newspaper and fanned Jispa. Not because of my love for Jispa, but because I wanted to give Jasmine’s hand some rest. Dumb ass.

Was this love or was this sharing the burden of parenting or sharing the stupidity of an old friend. I freaking don’t know. All I know was that Jasmine’s action had more love than mine.  My thinking for this is that she is yet untouched by the world or she is refusing to be touched by the world. More the former. I think if Jasmine would have worked in corporate life, then she too would have been worldly cynical. But she is unscathed. That’s why I take extra care of her. That’s why sometimes, I let her even face some of the shit – there, realise that it’s stupid, to love unconditionally or give unconditionally. Slowly I have seen her also harden with the ways of the world. So far she has managed a bunch of friends who are loyal to her, by being who is. That’s a happy cocoon to have. I draw from her well of goodness. I wouldn’t have ever been able to have these friends on my own.

Coming to which – I am looking forward to my family Singapore holiday. We are going there for a few reasons – 1 – its free stay. My friend (ex colleague) has settled there and we get free stay. But more importantly – Jasmine and I wanted a nice stress free holiday. I have been to Singapore three times and with family – once. It’s a stress free city. We know the city and all he attractions. There is no rush to complete them all and see them all. We can do it at our own pace and time. The public transport runs like a breeze and is predictable to a fault. There is very low crime and everyone is honest. Jispa can do things on her own there. What more do we want? No stress, foreign, happy vacation. I want that.

Also we are almost broke doing up our new home. We have no money for a large expensive vacation. By the time it’s done, I am going to be so broke. But I see that as an insurance against the vagaries of life. Now that it will be done, there will be less stress on me. It’s a home built for a hopefully a longer period of time. And a home that should last me till retirement. I never knew that at 42 one talks about retiring. But age does that to you. I am pretty aggressive for an old man… hehehe… opposites reconciling.

Last note – a blog that I was writing and didn’t bother to publish – I have a recurring nightmare that I can’t run to catch a train, my legs freeze. With my knee problem, I see that as a reality. While taking part in the parent’s race, this time, I felt that my legs froze and couldn’t go faster. They went slower than they could. I was worried about the knee popping out again. Man… it’s scary to see yourself live your nightmare in some way. I hate it. But I live with it. It’s a big bad dream come true. Arrggghhh.

Free irrelevant song