kneed some more love

Jispa had an assignment in English on Elon Musk and his 120 hour work week. Ya. It’s a bit of a tough thing to keep a 120 hour work week going. I work five days a week and I think I can manage 60 hours. I come to work by around 815 after dropping Jispa and then I get back home after 9. I think I am overdoing this but, right now there is a magnitude of issues hitting and it would take at least 2 – 3 years to sort some of the issues.

2 – 3 years. Yes. One of the things that I have learnt over a period of time is that work in large organizations take time. I have seen this company since 18 years. The calls taken 18 years ago come to haunt us afterwards. It takes that long to unravel the mess caused. With large heads sitting everywhere, it’s a time consuming effort to unravel the whole thing. You also need to hire right, put the wheels in motion and then you start seeing the efforts. Patience.

But thing is about work life balance. Work life balance. I don’t know about it. When I go home I try not to work. On weekends, I try and largely succeed to stay off my laptop and work. I figure that I spend so much time in office that I don’t need more time to give it. I was speaking to Jasmine and I was explaining the sexy work that I was doing in office and how I was pushing a young kid to do it. Even on weekends. My belief that at 43, I wish I had a chance to push myself at 23. Life would have been different. Hence that’s why I have figured that it best to push the kids at work. I now have little or no regret to see them working on weekends or late at night.

Someone asked me if I was a workaholic. I don’t know. The definition is “a person who compulsively works excessively hard and long hours.”  I think the key word is compulsively. I work hard and long hours but I don’t do it compulsively. I am happy to not work. Right now we have to achieve much and do much and that’s why I work as hard as I do. It definitely not for the simple joy of working that I do it. I would much rather not work so hard. I would rather go home, watch a movie, run around, swim, and play badminton… whatever.

Coming to which. At the start of the month I had the good fortune of going to Israel on a work trip. It’s a lovely country and the people have shown what a resolute bunch of people with no shared national identity but a shared religion and a sense of a shared history of persecution can do. Jews around the world have come and set up their land and lived together creating a thriving country from nothing more than a desert. As every Israeli will tell you, they sleep with their one eye open. They are hated by their neighbors who would like to finish them off in an instance. It’s a global melting pot. Especially thanks to Jerusalem, which is the holy place for Jews, Christians and Muslims, all together in one crazy tight part of the city.

This character of making the most from less and the cut throat competition coming in from immigrants all over the world, make Israel a culture you can only learn from. They always want to make the most from the least. Their products are top class thanks to their legendary investments in technology and the fact that they don’t have enough people or resources forces them to design products that are simple to implement and self-serving. It’s difficult to explain in terms of tech but the simplest example of this is in irrigation. They are country who invented drip irrigation. A perfect example of irrigation technique that uses less water and people for the maximum impact.

I went running there, every morning. I travel very badly when I am without family. I sleep late, I laze in bed and just generally I am a grumpy guy. So I decided that with my new found passion for running, I should pack my running shoes and kit and go running there every day. We were staying next to the beach promenade and that would definitely be an added reason to go running every day. So I did go running religiously. It was great run. Beach side, water points along the way. Lots of open gyms. Everyone running there. It was awesome. I saw a lot of locals playing beach volleyball on the nets laid out for the people. It was the perfect recipe for disaster.

In the evening after a lovely swim in the Mediterranean Sea (bucket list tick) while passing the beach, I couldn’t help but notice some locals goofing around. We started playing with them. They were playing volleyball but like football volley ball.  The kid came out in me and the bucket list number 2 kicked in. We joined in and a few stunts later, I fell in pain. I have been taking care of my right knee for so many years. It keeps getting dislocated and I keep putting it back. This time around, while attempting, god know what, my right knee gave in. Oh freak. It didn’t dislocate but it did twist enough to give me problems. It went for the rest of the trip.

When I was back in office, I was gently trying to kick some kid in office when my knee buckled in again and I feel to the floor. It was time to go to the orthopedic surgeon. An x-ray and an MRI later, the verdict is out. I have severe ACL tear. In both knees. Which means surgery, one by one in both knees. Okay. That is fun. It also means being out of action for almost a year from most sports. Oh shit. In way I was / am really disappointed. I was doing great. I had restarted running and I was doing 6 to 8 kms at one stretch without too much effort. I could have gone on and on for long. But as Jispa was counselling me “don’t regret it. You did go out in style.” Ya. I sure did. Now what. Well surgery will follow. They supposedly take my tendon and stretch it to become a ligament or something. It’s a minimal invasive surgery. Also there is the matter of a meniscus tear in the right knee that requires shaving off. Sigh.

I have always looked at the bright side of things and while at it, I thing this knee thing was a blessing in disguise. I had so far refused to see the orthopedic. It turn out that if I don’t get this fixed now, I might have needed knee replacement at 55. That would have been pretty painful I guess. At 55!

On another note. We have been enjoying our new home quite well. We seem to be lazing around at home most holidays. Stepping out for a quick meal nearby and watching Netflix. It’s a neat big house that I might have dreamed off, all my life. Neat and tight. The big TV in the hall also seems perfect, as we lounge around and watch Netflix and Amazon Prime. And the best part – we have kabaddi season starting soon.

Kabaddi is the thing that we family bond over. Especially when we understand the sport from close quarters and get some inside dope. Fitness has come to kabaddi and we now are seeing the benefits of this in the players as they get better. It has been a lucky break for me in my life. Things that come to you just because you are open to new experiences and learnings.

ramble in the morning

Writing is a bloody habit and a skill. I feel that the days I have written my blog regularly, I have written better and the days that I have just lost touch – I have, err… lost touch. I have nothing much to write about. I miss the 2009 days, when I wrote a blog for every working day that I had. It was a particularly fecund time for the blog and also for my mind. I had nothing to do in office but I had loads to read. I think some of that quite dramatically impacted me in a way. I realized that even if there is no work, I can invent work and figure out a way to make life much more productive.

Right now where I have joined, I can still decide to just sit down and relax and let time and tide work its way. I can relax and not push the pedal on anything. But I hate that. I don’t think that defines me. I am defined by the work I like to do and the knowledge I gain. I want to push the people under me to reach their levels of work that they did not think possible. I want to push hard. I don’t know why I am doing this. This is a recipe for disaster, frustration and anger. But I like doing it.

I think over a period of time, I have understood what makes me happy and what drives me. I like this in me. So I guess it’s pretty stupid to stop this. But on the other hand I am 42 years old. So I understand these things about me. I think I have learnt to know that my push is my problem. I can push but people can only take so much. I have the ability today to sit behind as well and relax and chill knowing that things will happen at their own pace. This is what the prime example of opposites reconciling is.

I push but I wait. I demand but don’t expect. I lead but I also allow you to float away. The concept of opposites reconciling is something that only age can teach. Today I understand far more about it that I thought at the start. It is more profound than ever to me. We are a bundle of contradictions. So many times I see people lie, but I don’t think they do it. I think they are merely telling the different truth, again, and this time it’s different.

Sometimes people love me and then the next day they won’t. What’s the truth? Hah! There is none. I have argued much about this in my past blogs. Opposites reconciling is also a case of truth and lies reconciling. It’s also a case of emotions reconciling. An old friend reached out to me after a long time. We were practically out of touch. Her mother passed away. I connected with her and felt for her, but I don’t really feel for her. Move on. Another friend connected with me – she was frustrated with her job. I felt for her, but I don’t feel for her. Another friend…. You know the drift…

In both cases I was warm, genuinely so. This is how emotions are when you are older I guess. You retain the warmth in your heart but you don’t let it fool your brain in wondering if you really care. I think I really care for no one really. Yes I care about my daughter and wife, more so than anything else in the world. But sometimes I wonder if I have become more cynical and hardened over a period of time.

Yesterday for brief time in the night the electricity went out. In her sleep (she didn’t remember it in the morning) Jispa came to our room and asked if the electricity went out, and that it was hot. Jasmine asked to sleep with us, as we have a net window and it was relatively cooler. As Jispa slept, Jasmine fanned her with a newspaper. That is motherly love, untouched by father’s world weary cynicism. I told her not to, but she still did it. Then I took on the newspaper and fanned Jispa. Not because of my love for Jispa, but because I wanted to give Jasmine’s hand some rest. Dumb ass.

Was this love or was this sharing the burden of parenting or sharing the stupidity of an old friend. I freaking don’t know. All I know was that Jasmine’s action had more love than mine.  My thinking for this is that she is yet untouched by the world or she is refusing to be touched by the world. More the former. I think if Jasmine would have worked in corporate life, then she too would have been worldly cynical. But she is unscathed. That’s why I take extra care of her. That’s why sometimes, I let her even face some of the shit – there, realise that it’s stupid, to love unconditionally or give unconditionally. Slowly I have seen her also harden with the ways of the world. So far she has managed a bunch of friends who are loyal to her, by being who is. That’s a happy cocoon to have. I draw from her well of goodness. I wouldn’t have ever been able to have these friends on my own.

Coming to which – I am looking forward to my family Singapore holiday. We are going there for a few reasons – 1 – its free stay. My friend (ex colleague) has settled there and we get free stay. But more importantly – Jasmine and I wanted a nice stress free holiday. I have been to Singapore three times and with family – once. It’s a stress free city. We know the city and all he attractions. There is no rush to complete them all and see them all. We can do it at our own pace and time. The public transport runs like a breeze and is predictable to a fault. There is very low crime and everyone is honest. Jispa can do things on her own there. What more do we want? No stress, foreign, happy vacation. I want that.

Also we are almost broke doing up our new home. We have no money for a large expensive vacation. By the time it’s done, I am going to be so broke. But I see that as an insurance against the vagaries of life. Now that it will be done, there will be less stress on me. It’s a home built for a hopefully a longer period of time. And a home that should last me till retirement. I never knew that at 42 one talks about retiring. But age does that to you. I am pretty aggressive for an old man… hehehe… opposites reconciling.

Last note – a blog that I was writing and didn’t bother to publish – I have a recurring nightmare that I can’t run to catch a train, my legs freeze. With my knee problem, I see that as a reality. While taking part in the parent’s race, this time, I felt that my legs froze and couldn’t go faster. They went slower than they could. I was worried about the knee popping out again. Man… it’s scary to see yourself live your nightmare in some way. I hate it. But I live with it. It’s a big bad dream come true. Arrggghhh.

Free irrelevant song