This song is playing in my head since morning… it’s a lovely
song. It lifts my mood and makes me feel light and happy.
The other day, a friend of mine played this on her
phone. It was sung by her husband on the
guitar. She simply recorded it on her phone while he was singing it. He sang it
so well. I felt very very nice. It seems he is not trained and he doesn’t practice.
He just sings. Wow/ he did have a lovely voice and he did sing it with a nice
lilt.
I felt nice and at the same time I was so jealous. How people
can easily sing in tune. I would love singing or playing a guitar or even a
flute. I would love to take it out and play at a party or at a restaurant or my
dream – play it at a café in the hills, sitting next to a local who plays his
instrument for a living. Together we would jam and help him earn a little more
for the day. That’s what I would like to do.
But for now I only bray and my family just wants me to shut
up when I attempt to sing. They hate it. What to do. I love it. For me it’s not
the singing but the lift that the heart gets when the song plays. Who cares
what it sounds like? Hence the best for me is to sing along while the radio is
on and loud. This way I can mask all my vocal chord issues. This is the best
option.
And that’s the only thing I get jealous on. When someone
uses a pencil and a paper and makes the pencil do his bidding, straight lines,
curved lines a bit of shading and there – a sketch. I get so mad at myself. I have
no such talent. Arrgghhh. Forget painting or using oil colors or something. Simple
sketching that makes doodling such a fun thing to do. I can’t do it. That
irritates me. I feel so limited.
Luckily this blog has happened to me. At least I feel I have
some creative skills. I can write something that seems mildly interesting to
have a small group of people who like it and take something from it. I possibly
have this great desire to spread something, happiness or something… so what if I
can’t dance, sing or sketch, at least I can write something. And I completely
love it when someone comes back and tells me that – something read from this
blog gave them something… a hope, a lesson, a smile anything.
It’s a bit funny. I thought I don’t really care for much
appreciation. But I crave for appreciation of a different kind. I think I crave
for recognition. Recognition that I have made an impact to someone’s life,
thought or moment. I think its slightly different. Don’t thank me or tell me I have
done something great but tell me that what I did impacted you in some small
little way. Even if I made you smile.
Hmmm.. now that I think about it. Yes. All my actions are
towards recognition. I keep telling I don’t care about the congratulations. Don’t
bother telling me what a great job I have done. I know what I have done, could
have done, haven’t done, could not have done. I know all that. But what I really
need to know is how what I have done impacted you. Any small positive impact, a
teenie weenie bit. Now that I think… that’s
what I look for.
My colleagues tell me – I am a teacher. I am a born teacher.
I like to teach, explain how to improve, impart small small nuggets of wisdom…
even long lectures. So that’s what I am doing. Trying to make impacts in their
lives so that they can tell me that later.
Hehe. Little did I know that writing about my jealousy can
help me understand a nuance about myself. That’s why this blog is so dam bloody
useful. Talking to yourself is what mad men do, right? Writing to yourself is
what philosophers do! Hah!
