Discovering yourself, through someone else's voice...

This song is playing in my head since morning… it’s a lovely song. It lifts my mood and makes me feel light and happy.

The other day, a friend of mine played this on her phone.  It was sung by her husband on the guitar. She simply recorded it on her phone while he was singing it. He sang it so well. I felt very very nice. It seems he is not trained and he doesn’t practice. He just sings. Wow/ he did have a lovely voice and he did sing it with a nice lilt.

I felt nice and at the same time I was so jealous. How people can easily sing in tune. I would love singing or playing a guitar or even a flute. I would love to take it out and play at a party or at a restaurant or my dream – play it at a café in the hills, sitting next to a local who plays his instrument for a living. Together we would jam and help him earn a little more for the day. That’s what I would like to do.

But for now I only bray and my family just wants me to shut up when I attempt to sing. They hate it. What to do. I love it. For me it’s not the singing but the lift that the heart gets when the song plays. Who cares what it sounds like? Hence the best for me is to sing along while the radio is on and loud. This way I can mask all my vocal chord issues. This is the best option.

And that’s the only thing I get jealous on. When someone uses a pencil and a paper and makes the pencil do his bidding, straight lines, curved lines a bit of shading and there – a sketch. I get so mad at myself. I have no such talent. Arrgghhh. Forget painting or using oil colors or something. Simple sketching that makes doodling such a fun thing to do. I can’t do it. That irritates me. I feel so limited.

Luckily this blog has happened to me. At least I feel I have some creative skills. I can write something that seems mildly interesting to have a small group of people who like it and take something from it. I possibly have this great desire to spread something, happiness or something… so what if I can’t dance, sing or sketch, at least I can write something. And I completely love it when someone comes back and tells me that – something read from this blog gave them something… a hope, a lesson, a smile anything.

It’s a bit funny. I thought I don’t really care for much appreciation. But I crave for appreciation of a different kind. I think I crave for recognition. Recognition that I have made an impact to someone’s life, thought or moment. I think its slightly different. Don’t thank me or tell me I have done something great but tell me that what I did impacted you in some small little way. Even if I made you smile.

Hmmm.. now that I think about it. Yes. All my actions are towards recognition. I keep telling I don’t care about the congratulations. Don’t bother telling me what a great job I have done. I know what I have done, could have done, haven’t done, could not have done. I know all that. But what I really need to know is how what I have done impacted you. Any small positive impact, a teenie weenie bit.  Now that I think… that’s what I look for.

My colleagues tell me – I am a teacher. I am a born teacher. I like to teach, explain how to improve, impart small small nuggets of wisdom… even long lectures. So that’s what I am doing. Trying to make impacts in their lives so that they can tell me that later.

Hehe. Little did I know that writing about my jealousy can help me understand a nuance about myself. That’s why this blog is so dam bloody useful. Talking to yourself is what mad men do, right? Writing to yourself is what philosophers do! Hah!

when genius is bored

Today I was listening to one of the world’s greatest chess players, Anatoly Karpov (link). It was a nice interview. One thing he said found resonance in my thinking. He said he was bad at theory of chess openings. While it was a bad thing for chess player, he also says that not knowing the theory helped him fight back at apparently losing causes, resulting in a quite a few successes. The reason he did not learn them too well… ‘it was boring’. Not quite the answer you expect from a grandmaster, a champion that ruled for ten years.
Was the era different? Is it that in today’s environment you cannot effectively compete if you aren’t ruthless? Possibly he got beaten by Kasporav precisely because of that. May be, may be not. I am not a chess expert to explain that detail.
but I guess I might be a bit of hypocrite here. I like to enjoy my game and play what I like and enjoy and avoid eth boring stuff, but as a spectator I don’t quite like to see a team that does not necessarily put up the best.
It puts me at an awkward junction as a parent. Jispa is currently learning a few sports. Being thin and naturally athletic she tends to outperform her peers. Hopefully she might end up being good at what she does. But I don’t know how to push her. My philosophy has been not to push hard. Sure I will insist discipline on training, eating and competing but I really don’t want to push her. Enjoying what you do is most important. Both jasmine and I are on the same page here. We keep asking her, if she really wants to continue any sport. Only on hearing an emphatic yes do we continue paying the fees.
As a kid I wasn’t too athletic or gifted in many ways. My brother was the natural. My dad was ok with me doing what I want. So while I started a few things I was lazy and never managed to stick around for too much to any thing. Largely my fault. I regret not doing, not pushing then. If had pushed my parents I might have done better. If my parents pushed me, I might have done better.
As a parent I realise that. So we try and give maximum opportunities for Jispa. We want to ensure that the platform is there. Once she takes the call to do it, we ensure that we don’t let her slack off. If you do it you do it well. But at the same time, I don’t want her to get bored with what she does. It is difficult to motivate yourself for all the hard work involved but also at the same time you have to enjoy what you do.
Motivation at the end must come from within. Hence what’s right is to ensure as a parent, I press the right buttons. She doesn’t have to do it for me, but I have to make her aware if she wants to do it or not. The consequences of her having and not having desire must be laid out to her. So the whole aim must be to kindle that motivation, to ensure it’s internal, to have values of hard work and acceptance nay enjoyment of the pain it gives. If I guess we manage to get that in, we are done.
So where does that leave Karpov’s comment? Can only a genius say that and get away with it? It worked 30 years ago, now is a different ball game? If I want to be good at my job I can’t be bored by it, if I am bored at it then I need to get a different job. But a different job is not that easy hence do the job and don’t get bored by it. Find challenges inside of it, no matter how mundane. Are these answers or questions.
It is a delicate balance between the two.
But clearly Karpov enjoyed what he did enough to not do the part of it that he got bored by. It’s an interesting situation to be in. and its not that he was bad at it, he probably knew that he could afford to get bored by a section of it.
At the end of the post I am not sure what to make of it. But it does leave me with room for thought.