Sometimes my brains can just get shot. And it explodes on
unsuspecting innocent guys trying to do their job. Usually at the bottom rung
of the hierarchy. For example the security guards, who follow the letter of the
law and choose to not exercise their grey matter. But of course I would be very
worried, given the demographics and the psycho-graphics of the security guards
employed, if those jokers started exercising their brains. I get great kicks in
doing small stupid things, like for example writing my name as Amitabh Bachchan
in the visitor’s book. My inspiration is one movie scene where the hero is
going to a hotel and the clerk at the check in asks him for his name, to which
our hero replies “Amitabh Bachchan”. The clerk looks up disbelieving to which
the hero retorts “kyun, duniya mein ek hi aadmi ka naam Amitabh Bachchan ho
sakta hai?”. No one ever checks the data, what you wrote or what your actual
name is. So the joy I get is that sometime at the end of the day somebody might
check in and figure that Amitabh Bachchan actually came in and they missed
talking to him.
Let’s look at a few altercations between me and them.
Incident 1 – Jispa and I enter theater and the guard will
not allow Jispa in while she is eating an apple. Sorry – screw you guys – I am
not stopping my daughter from eating the apple. So I physically push the guard
and walk in with Jispa, while refusing to bow in to stupid rules. I understand
you don’t want to take my picnic hamper in but to stop a kid who is currently eating an apple is
taking the rules too far.
Incident 2 – At the same theater they check for all eatables
but allow flasks to be taken in as milk for the kids. That is allowed. So we
take cold coffee for us inside the theater and then I go to the water cooler
and take their plastic cups for pouring the coffee for all. This time they
looked at me and asked me what was inside. I said milk for my kid. They opened
the pack and smelt it. He said its coffee. I said ‘yes, coffee flavored milk;
you have a problem with that’. It seems they did have a problem with that. So I
just snatched the flask from him and still went inside saying, do whatever you
want, you can’t stop me from carrying milk for my child.
Incident 3 – I am at a corporate office with my wife and I am
writing in the visitor’s entry book. I have never ever really understood why
one would require a visitor’s entry book. Those desirous of causing mischief aren’t
really going to write their real names. I was there in personal capacity and
not representing my firm. So while I was writing in there was a column that
says – ‘coming from’. That is meant for writing your company name. To which I left
blank. The security guard asked me to fill it in. I said, ‘I am coming from
home’. That was apparently not acceptable. I explained to him that his column
was for the office not for my home and he has no business knowing where my home
is. That was a problem. So I pointed out to him the previous entry which also
had a missing filed in the same column. He told me that, it was forgotten to be
filled in. So then I looked at him and said, that I too have forgotten to fill
it in. Sorry. I walked in without filling in the form. My wife is looking at me
and asking me ‘what’s your issue in life’. I told her that I didn’t know. But I
guess she is used to me bursting out at these idiots and standing up to silly
inane rule.
Incident 4 – this was as a college kid. We were playing on
the lawns near the home. Freshly maintained and beautified by the security. All
of kids just stood up to the posse of security guards and said – you can do
whatever you want, we will continue to play.
Incident 5 – I am walking into a residential building to
deliver a parcel. I ask for the address and the security manager in a safari
suit… yes the safari suit. The senior guy gets to roam around in a safari suit
and grow a big mustache so this safari clothed monster comes up and asks me
to write my name in the visitor entry book. Now why would a residential
building start this shit? So I looked at him with a stern face and I asked him,
do even guests need to write their names in? ‘no’ was his reply. So I turned to
him, squared up and asked him, ‘so what else do you think I look like?’. While I
stared at him, I could hear his junior guard laughing. Obviously the man couldn't make out if I was a guest or a stupid delivery boy. My wife later joked that I looked
like a delivery boy.
Incident 6 – slightly unrelated but once I was parking my
car near the same theatre which is near my building complex and there was a
taxi being waiting. I asked him to move so that I could park. He asked me if I was
a resident. Yes of course I was.so he asked me for my card or something. I lost
it. I screamed out loud and told him, that I did not need to show him my card
and he was nobody to ask me for ID. Wow. Sometimes I can use my booming voice
to good effect.
At the end of it, it’s worth a laugh but I don’t like these
incidents. They don’t leave you feeling good. Your blood rushes to your hands
and legs and you feel ready for an altercation and some hormones or the other
are being produced. Sorry. I don’t enjoy being in a fight. I prefer avoiding
confrontation. Over the years I have taught myself to laugh it off, to somehow
diffuse the situation. Even now, as I look back, I think about how I could have
been nice, sweet yet firm. Basically done the same without getting my
adrenaline or any other hormone pumped up. That’s the right way to handle a
situation. That’s how I try and handle stuff in office. With a little bit of
serenity and calmness. You can shout but I must focus on the simple issues at
hand and not get worked up. Buddha mode ON.
