Buddha mode

Sometimes my brains can just get shot. And it explodes on unsuspecting innocent guys trying to do their job. Usually at the bottom rung of the hierarchy. For example the security guards, who follow the letter of the law and choose to not exercise their grey matter. But of course I would be very worried, given the demographics and the psycho-graphics of the security guards employed, if those jokers started exercising their brains. I get great kicks in doing small stupid things, like for example writing my name as Amitabh Bachchan in the visitor’s book. My inspiration is one movie scene where the hero is going to a hotel and the clerk at the check in asks him for his name, to which our hero replies “Amitabh Bachchan”. The clerk looks up disbelieving to which the hero retorts “kyun, duniya mein ek hi aadmi ka naam Amitabh Bachchan ho sakta hai?”. No one ever checks the data, what you wrote or what your actual name is. So the joy I get is that sometime at the end of the day somebody might check in and figure that Amitabh Bachchan actually came in and they missed talking to him.

Let’s look at a few altercations between me and them.

Incident 1 – Jispa and I enter theater and the guard will not allow Jispa in while she is eating an apple. Sorry – screw you guys – I am not stopping my daughter from eating the apple. So I physically push the guard and walk in with Jispa, while refusing to bow in to stupid rules. I understand you don’t want to take my picnic hamper in but to stop a  kid who is currently eating an apple is taking the rules too far.

Incident 2 – At the same theater they check for all eatables but allow flasks to be taken in as milk for the kids. That is allowed. So we take cold coffee for us inside the theater and then I go to the water cooler and take their plastic cups for pouring the coffee for all. This time they looked at me and asked me what was inside. I said milk for my kid. They opened the pack and smelt it. He said its coffee. I said ‘yes, coffee flavored milk; you have a problem with that’. It seems they did have a problem with that. So I just snatched the flask from him and still went inside saying, do whatever you want, you can’t stop me from carrying milk for my child.

Incident 3 – I am at a corporate office with my wife and I am writing in the visitor’s entry book. I have never ever really understood why one would require a visitor’s entry book. Those desirous of causing mischief aren’t really going to write their real names. I was there in personal capacity and not representing my firm. So while I was writing in there was a column that says – ‘coming from’. That is meant for writing your company name. To which I left blank. The security guard asked me to fill it in. I said, ‘I am coming from home’. That was apparently not acceptable. I explained to him that his column was for the office not for my home and he has no business knowing where my home is. That was a problem. So I pointed out to him the previous entry which also had a missing filed in the same column. He told me that, it was forgotten to be filled in. So then I looked at him and said, that I too have forgotten to fill it in. Sorry. I walked in without filling in the form. My wife is looking at me and asking me ‘what’s your issue in life’. I told her that I didn’t know. But I guess she is used to me bursting out at these idiots and standing up to silly inane rule.

Incident 4 – this was as a college kid. We were playing on the lawns near the home. Freshly maintained and beautified by the security. All of kids just stood up to the posse of security guards and said – you can do whatever you want, we will continue to play.

Incident 5 – I am walking into a residential building to deliver a parcel. I ask for the address and the security manager in a safari suit… yes the safari suit. The senior guy gets to roam around in a safari suit and grow a big mustache  so this safari clothed monster comes up and asks me to write my name in the visitor entry book. Now why would a residential building start this shit? So I looked at him with a stern face and I asked him, do even guests need to write their names in? ‘no’ was his reply. So I turned to him, squared up and asked him, ‘so what else do you think I look like?’. While I stared at him, I could hear his junior guard laughing. Obviously the man couldn't make out if I was a guest or a stupid delivery boy. My wife later joked that I looked like a delivery boy.

Incident 6 – slightly unrelated but once I was parking my car near the same theatre which is near my building complex and there was a taxi being waiting. I asked him to move so that I could park. He asked me if I was a resident. Yes of course I was.so he asked me for my card or something. I lost it. I screamed out loud and told him, that I did not need to show him my card and he was nobody to ask me for ID. Wow. Sometimes I can use my booming voice to good effect.

At the end of it, it’s worth a laugh but I don’t like these incidents. They don’t leave you feeling good. Your blood rushes to your hands and legs and you feel ready for an altercation and some hormones or the other are being produced. Sorry. I don’t enjoy being in a fight. I prefer avoiding confrontation. Over the years I have taught myself to laugh it off, to somehow diffuse the situation. Even now, as I look back, I think about how I could have been nice, sweet yet firm. Basically done the same without getting my adrenaline or any other hormone pumped up. That’s the right way to handle a situation. That’s how I try and handle stuff in office. With a little bit of serenity and calmness. You can shout but I must focus on the simple issues at hand and not get worked up. Buddha mode ON.

the joy of listening

On Sunday, I had a lecture to give at the college I teach. It being a rainy day I had left well in advance. We wouldn’t want the professor to be late on his first lecture do we? What message do we send out? Hence I ended up being an hour early. As a backup I taken a book along that I had an opportunity to read at the college. Sitting on the steps at the entrance it was good fun to read a book. I was well sheltered from the almond tree. The almond fruit had come close and it kept dropping from the tree, one every minute. At first I thought it was the crows or some other birds that kept eating and throwing them down, but on closer inspection I figured it was just the rain and wind pushing the ripe fruits. They were squashed exactly on the side they fell. It was quite nice, sitting at the college steps on a Sunday, reading a nice book, mild rains and the fruit dropping. The only thing wrong was the horrible ready mix tea that I was having. Sweet and completely off taste. Ready mix tea is the most horrible thing ever. No wonder at many meetings the guests ask if we can serve brewed tea as opposed to machine tea. Complete rubbish. I guess the companies don’t realize that they are turning generations off by giving them bad tea and they will probably never be able to savor the aroma of good tea, thereby helping them cultivate the taste. Short term thinking at its best.
I got talking to the security guard at the steps. The college I teach is the same one I went to and most support staff would know and recognize me. This guy though came in after my time. he knows me as the professor and not a student. He confirmed with me what he had heard... I was indeed from the college. Some other peon had told him so.
Over the years I have perfected the art of prodding and listening and challenging. Speaking to people about their job gives me immense pleasure. They are obviously best placed to talk the most and with authority on what they do every day for a living. Hearing their life, anecdotes, learnings, experiences enriches me immensely.
Pushing him a bit I learnt that on one of the floors there was a session happening for some Landmark. I had no clue. He was explaining some of the stuff he saw – different things happen there. Many people come there to improve their lives. They talk and try and ‘rehabilitate’ people. He said that one of the drivers had told him that his boss had completely changed after attending this session. He was a guy who would finish his work and then roam around till 3 am in bars and have a colorful night life. But the forum helped him change his ways and he now heads home post his work. Another thing was that during the three day seminar during lunch break, everybody would come out and would be making calls to their near and dear ones. They would be crying and apologizing and be completely emotional. No one would be in any mood to eat but will be supporting each other. Another instance was of a kid who had come with his dad. The kid after some time walked out and told his dad that he is not going to be any part of this forum. He was not going to talk about his issues in front of strangers. In a bid to convince him, another uncle asked him if he knew where he was heading next year? To which the kid responded saying he hasn’t seen the next year and no one has. Who knows what the circumstances will be. Stop planning or thinking. As in Hindi they say – kal kisne dekha hai? He wondered and I concurred, what would the caliber of the person addressing these seminars that he would have such a powerful effect on the people. I wonder… though I am not convinced that this is for me, it seems to be making some progress with a lot others. Probably I am too arrogant to accept or I probably have never seen the other side. It seems to be giving some people a lot of hope or direction.
We quickly moved on to another topic. He was explaining that kids don’t wear their i-cards to college. The i-cards are now giving out corporate style. They have a lanyard attached to them. He was also lamenting that there is no real way to verify the kids faces from the icards. Especially the girls. He said that if he had a closer look at the photos he risks a complaint being filed by the girls on harassment.
I wish the college simply heard all the constituents while designing different rules and regulations. The lanyard is an ugly looking thing. Anything that one wears, one is quite choosy. As it reflects one self expression. I don’t blame the kids for not wanting to wear that horrible plastic piece. The icard itself is ugly looking and the lanyard leaves no scope for self expression. The same problem is in office. People don’t wear the company giving icards. Once we had an external event and designed icards with different lanyards for the event. At some events we did nice two toned ones and at other we did different colors. We had a few left over and I was wearing a new color every day. Soon enough I had enough people asking me, accosting me at the aisles for one for them. Quickly I was down to one. Some of them were the ones who never wore any icard but were now flaunting theirs thanks to a new ‘different’ lanyard. Another killer app was that this lanyard had a clip on it. So you could wear it by clipping it like a necklace as opposed to putting it over your head, risking you spoiling your hair style. Simple innovation working for you.
Its surprising that we miss the obvious. We do all sorts of things and campaign to get people to wear the icard but problem lies elsewhere. Once we recognize that the icard if worn is as much a tool of self expression then we will change our mentality towards it. I bet that far beyond getting compliance, I can get enough students to pay a hundred bucks to pick from a lanyard of their style. Different colored ones, some with beads, some with badges or some thick, some thin. I also bet that most students will end up with more than one purchase in a year. Compliance will go up, coolness will happen. Hmmm. It’s an interesting project to take up.
I am so much in love with this idea, that one I even told the corporate CSR about it. They have a problem getting employees to sign on the Corporate Social Responsibility platform. They even have a problem with employees at blood donation drives. My recommendation was that every person who signed up or donated got this sexy new lanyard that was different from the rest. It not only gave instant gratification that showed him in a new light but also helped be a walking talking ambassador for you activities. The best way to spread good is the demonstration effect. Then later you could always add on badges that he could put on his lanyard for all the great stuff he contributes to the larger cause. But then… sigh… never mind. I will use this idea once… somewhere else. .. some other time.

the case of the samosa and the tough university security

We have our office bang opposite the Mumbai university campus, we often go there for a bite. It has so many canteens. At the last count I counted were four. The whole place is like an oasis and campus is so serene. The trees completely cancel out the noise and it is a large sprawling place. The architecture and layout is completely awry. Suddenly modern newer structures stand alongside old depilated ones. One canteen is air-conditioned while another is a heated mess. It’s a nice walk especially when you are completely fed up of your office environs. I have been there a quite a few times, obstinately for the samosas but really for the place. Forests need neglect to survive.
Here I can hear the barbet and the crows and see some mynas fly. In the morning you can catch a few bulbuls fluttering around. But I am not sure if I did want a campus like this. The air is so lethargic that I am sure nothing would ever get done. The over all feeling is not of dynamism but that of babudom. Nothing planned but spurts and bouts of budgets being allotted.
Today morning I was in the mood for a deep fried calorific samosa. With some really unhealthy ugly chatni. Every canteen has its own chatni, some red, some white, some green. The colour is normally never an indicator of the spice component as well. That is jack in the box that springs on you. So we went to the university. They seemed to have some extra measure of checks on this time. No one was being allowed in without being questioned. All rickshaws and cars in were being stopped. All those entering the campus were being asked to show the I-cards. Oh god. Here goes my samosa I thought. But then there is hope. If the Obama’s party can be gate crashed then university should be a breeze. Just look important and walk across giving some answer. What answer, one would only be able to trust ones wit, when one is confronted with it. No amount of preparing would have helped you. As me and a colleague approach with trepidation, I removed my office I-card and put it in my pocket. As hit the gate we were stopped by the security. Oh shit. ‘Where do you want to go?’ Obviously we didn’t look like students. “To the canteen” my colleague answered. I was quiet. He seemed to be the stern guy and one disinterested guy and one spokesperson seemed to be a good strategy to deal with these characters. If anything went wrong I could be the good cop from the duo and save the day. The guard was still stern on getting the answer. “Why are you going to the canteen” he asked, almost bawled. What could we answer? What would be smart enough to get us through? Should be just turn around and run, or make a dash for it? Will he chase? A million answers and scenarios flashed through my mind. I could see my samosas flying away from me. “Why are you going to the canteen” My colleague retained his presence of mind (bless him) and answered without blinking “to eat, what else”. The guard looked at the right hand top corner of his eye for a second and then, with an upcurled lips (we were going to be so screwed), he nodded his ascent and waved us on.
That’s it. The samosas were yum.