Blogging is so important for your soul. Soul? Yup. It’s so
important for my soul. It saved me yesterday.
Ten years ago things got bad and I had to leave home and set
up my own home away. One of the things I managed to do is never ever fight with
mom ever. We had our periods of talking or not talking, but I never did fight
with her. I knew she is my mom and at the end of it she does care for me and
she finally made me what I am.
When we were growing up shifting from Dubai to India was an
episode I would have loved to forget. From plenty to nothingness. Then more
crap happened as we moved here. My dad got his first massive heart attack and that
was a tough blow for the family. Yes we had savings but it also meant that he
would never be able to do his core job, that is as a civil engineer, walking up
and down building steps as it is being constructed. We moved to our new home
that they planned and we started to build our lives.
I remember having a lot of foreign things in the house as we
transferred a lot from Dubai to India in the government scheme called TR (Transfer
of Residence). This meant that we had a lot of stuff, but it also meant that
all this quickly dwindled away. Mom started a nursery to keep the income going.
We were never poor or disadvantaged at any point but it meant that we saw a
contrast that as a kid I hated to see. I remember asking many things from my
parents and a lot of the time, wasteful expense was not encouraged. So I guess,
I heard more no’s that yes. As a kid I dint like it but I have blogged about
this, that I now understand it and I bear no ill will towards my parents. I think
given the circumstances that’s the best they could afford and that’s the best
we could do. My blog helped me clearly explain this out for myself in my head.
On Saturday I was alone at home and I thought I could spend
some time with mom. I called her and told her that I was coming home to dinner.
I just wanted to spend time with her, chill around. So I spent the evening with
mom. Later in the evening she told me that she wanted to buy me something for
my new home which we were renovating. Ya mom, but I don’t need anything.
Luckily I am earning enough and it’s not needed. Mom still insisted and she
gave me a cheque. This was not the thing. She said something that in some ways
just touched my heart. She said that when she had us kids growing up, we would
ask for a lot of things and it would break her heart to say no to so many
things. We couldn’t really afford it and hence she would be forced to say no.
She said she hated doing that but had no choice. Now she has money and she
wants me to buy things that I want. Hence take the money.
Oh dear dear me. It killed me. Ya. As a kid I was mindful of
the fact that we had less money but also I think as a kid I asked for things. I
know and thanks to the blog, I know for sure in my mind that I was aware of it
and that I don’t hold that against anyone. I grew up. This blog yesterday saved
my soul from being burnt with guilt.
Closer home to the present. We are building our home and we
are going broke. Our complete cash flow is being compromised as we go over
budget. But it’s our home and we are aware. Thanks to some circumstances we haven’t
had a big holiday and we haven’t had a chance to go abroad as a family. Now with
the house coming in and screwing our finances, it not happening soon either. So
this time when my friend was taking kids to a diving trip to the Philippines,
my first reaction was to say no. We can’t afford it – a straight 1.5L poof,
gone, for one person. That was not happening. But Jasmine told me – its ok dad.
Where we send her anywhere. We can’t go but at least she can. It’s not that we
can’t manage. I was agreeing but I did not want to screw the finances. I would
have had to sell my shares (hard assets) for this. Jasmine still said ‘for what
do we have all this’. If at this age she cant go then when will she go? Every time
something or the other comes up. I agree. It does. One HUGE regret, we didn’t go
to Hong Kong Disney when she was the age for it. I still find myself a failure
as I couldn’t take my kid to DIsneyLand. I always wanted to do it. I had the
money at the time but the outlook was bleak and we postponed it and it then
never happened.
So I agreed. Jasmine was right. She IS right. My sweet mom,
is right trying to do amends. I can do it right away. Ya its big but it’s not
that I can’t afford. It can be made up and we can manage. Jasmine and me
discussed that at this stage, we are older and we can choose not to go diving.
Instead of all of us going, let Jispa go thrice, its better bang for buck. Ya.
I wanted to do scuba, sky diving, bungee jumping and other stuff. But I am not
worried. I think I will manage to do it. I went to the silicon valley and met
all the tech companies – that was one off the bucket list. The others will
come. But at least a 15 year old can tick one for herself now. That’s a great
age to develop passion and experiences. Not 42. The next age I think is 54.
That should be fun.
I told my mom yesterday – mom, your kids are cool. They work
hard and they enjoy their lives and they have money. Take all your money and live
however you want to. Don’t leave a penny for us. Not a penny. So while she also
told us no while we were kids, I also know, they told themselves no for so many
things. Who are we to judge our parents or anyone in history.
History – today I did a long cherished dream. I was a tour
guide to Elephanta. A couple of our friends came in from Canada. Two old women
who are absolutely amazing. I took them there and showed them the caves and
helped them understand a lot of Mumbai, India and the caves. This is my third
visit to the caves and I loved it. I reread the book and now I am able to
interpret it completely from my eyes and my angles. History is about interpretation
and so is mythology. I see the caves very differently from how the others
would. For me, it’s my own version of the story and the architecture. It what I
want out of it and how I am able to share my vision with others. Wow. I was so
thrilled. I took a laser pointer and took my friends to the caves. Soon enough,
a guide came up to me and asked me if I needed a guide. NO. I am good. But they
insisted. They said, they were ASI certified guides and only they could show the
monument, not me. Yes – I understand you. But I am not a guide. I am friend. I
am not charging any money and I am not soliciting any tourists inside the monument.
How can you stop me? I am a banker and not a guide, you don’t see my face every
day and please, there is no law against what I am doing. I was disturbed three
to four times. I think not many understand that normal everyday people can also
have a reservoir of knowledge and want to freely pass them on. Jokers. I had
quite a few arguments and I was pissed. While leaving, they again confronted me
and told me that it’s not right. I again stood my ground. There is no law on
this. These are my friends and I can show them around, without you. Arggghhh. This
was irritating. The guards were very reasonable. They came and asked me – are these
your friends, then there is no issue. You can do it, it not against any rules.
We left the place, but it was super fun. I loved it and I realized that I could
explain this temple without a book and with ease and build a credible, or
should I say incredible story around it. I am going to retire and be an
official storyteller. The name of my company is going to be - ‘Through My Eyes’. I hope to retire rich
enough to start this passion where, we take super care of all the tourists and
have a free model with an ability for the tourist to pay whatever he wants at
the end of it. No questions asked. I don’t mind a small box at the end where I don’t
even know, who paid how much, so people pay for value and not for show.
Then I took them to St Thomas Cathedral and in and around the
Fort area. I loved the 8 hours I spent with them. It was beautiful. I told
them, don’t thank me – my wife would tell you – I need to thank you for
allowing me to do this. To be mistaken for a tour guide in Elephanta - One more
off the bucket list!
