breathe easy kid

Yesterday Jispa wanted to talk to us regarding her education and the colleges she wanted to take admission in after finishing her 12^th here. As parents this has been a reasonably tough ordeal. Understanding which colleges are good and which ones are not so.  Which subjects she wants to take up and which subject she wants to graduate in.

This is obviously so new for us. The expenses are tremendous and could potentially destroy the family budget and a few years ago, I had no clue how I would ever be able to even afford something like this. We thought a lot about it, and I have had such swinging opinions on this. When the discussion first came up, I was clear. There would be an ROI attached to this. I would give / rather loan her the money and then she would have to return it back to her mom in some way over the years.

I was clear at the time. going abroad was no small thing. It was meant to be a big investment. I would only allow it if it was the big universities that I could name. I would only allow US. It would only be if she is take up a STEM stream or a medicine or something in which she would be able to rise and make a mark for herself and such. I wasn’t going to spend that money on small education.

Over these years we have grown much smarter about the process and the whole big decision. So when yesterday she asked us that she needs to speak to us, we were much prepared. Jasmine and I have had so many conversations on this. It helped us clear our minds and take a bit of a relaxed approach. Having a sensible conversation with her school counsellor helped as did taking to sensible people who have done the same before.

Yesterday while talking to her we laid out the rules. Number 1 – go study but study what you want to and what you feel most passionate about. If sports science is right now your passion, then sports science is what you should do. Go and study sports science. Don’t bother about your job, your pay, your prospects. Follow the love of your life. If today I had to live my life again, I would have studied History and Anthropology. I would have never done commerce and accounting. Whatst he worst that would happen? You will come back to India. You are better than 99.9% Indians and I cant vouch for that. You will do well for sure. Suppose you come here, you can work with lots of aspiring atheletes and work with them and take them to the next level. Sure the monies wont be that great and that you will have to live with your parents for a bit but who says that you would not be successful. Once Jasmine’s uncle gave me a piece of advice that I did not pay heed to but I now agree. Naukari – no kari. It means  - job – never do.

He said that he ate bananas for lunch but he refused to take up a job. He set up his own business. I think if I would have set up my own business, I surely would have been successful in whatever I would have done over a period of time. I could have been successful as a 22 year old starting off or a 30 year old or a 40 year old. I am betting that I will be a successful 50 year old man as well when I start. Right now, I have ideas buzzing but I am not pushing for them as I can’t afford it.

As a businessperson when I was young, I couldn’t fail and that meant I could not start. That’s why I started working on a job and a corporate career. For you, you don’t have that silly thing holding you back. You can start slow, do what you love. You don’t have to be independent. DO whatever you love and if you are smart you will be successful. It may take time, but you will get there soon enough. If its what you love you won’t bother.

What’s the worst that can happen. You come back to India and you do an MBA. You follow my footsteps and get a job in India. That’s also not so bad. You can start your life this way. Who cares. You just might have to stay in my house longer than you care for. That’s it. So when you are choosing your college – take the subject you want and see if they offer it. Go to the UK, Canada, US or Australia but please do what you want and try for the best school that will offer you that specialisation. After that – you hate your subject – change it. But please study what you want to and not what you have to. I don’t need your money. I need you to be happy.

That was quite a speech. Its amazing how my attitudes changed. I just want her to study well in the field that she chooses. I think that if you do that, you will enjoy the rest of your life. I was lucky I found marketing in my life later. I think I was good at this and I kind of love what I do. Its fun.

These days I am in charge of a sales team directly and I am trying to get them to run. Trying to understand the complexities and giving them the ammunition to attack. Its going to be fun.

This is when work doesn’t feel like work. It feels more fun. That keeps me going. I can take more shit around the work and the people that come with it. Because its fun and you can escape all that by working on more fun things to be done while working. That’s what I love.

Coming to which I came across a term called email apnea. It seems that people stop breathing or have shallow breaths when answering emails or texts. That’s right. This is a scientific thing. “Salzberg talked about email apnea (or screen apnea), a finding by Linda Stone, a writer, researcher, and former executive at Apple and Microsoft . Stone noticed that a majority of people (possibly eighty percent) unconsciously hold their breath, or breathe shallowly, when responding to email or texting.”

“…that holding one’s breath contributes to stress-related diseases and disturbs the body’s balance of oxygen, carbon dioxide, and nitric oxide, which help keep the immune system strong, fight infection, and mediate inflammation. It can affect our well-being and our ability to work effectively. Shallow breathing can also trigger a sympathetic nervous system “fight or flight” response. If we stay in this state of emergency breathing and hyperarousal for extended periods of time, it can not only impact sleep, memory, and learning, but also exacerbate anxiety and depression.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-art-now/201411/email-apnea

This is serious. I see this in myself. I have to try and control this. This also happens while TEXTING. I think we need to breathe a lot more while working. I need to breathe while thinking, talking and working in general. Luckily I have this condition that any stress reflects in my lower back and it starts acting up. I have learnt to immediately start breathing and it goes away. Remember to breathe.

After the chat with Jispa, I was so happy and proud of what Jasmine and I had become as parents. We could finally allow Jispa’s wings to pop out unfettered. It was just beautiful. I could say what I could because we have had so many conversations on this. Quite bedside conversations on what on earth would we do? How we would go about this?

Only by having innumerable conversations, our heads turned from the transnational nature of what we were thinking to the more core learning nature of her education. Study for study sake. Because  you love the subject you should study more of it. That simple. The joy of learning.

This has helped us breathe more. And will help us breathe in easy in the future.

conflicts everywhere, resolutions there

I do not know after 17 years of handling my little baby if I even understand her. My guess is that she for sure thinks we do not. She is simple and complicated at the same time. On the face of it, Jispa is extremely uncomplicated as an individual. She doesn’t get involved in many issues. She is not troubled too much by things around her and broadly she lives her life untouched by other people’s opinions.

On the other hand, some of her decisions and her mood swings we find difficult to predict or understand. I think 17-year olds everywhere are complicated people. And they have been so for ages. Its not an easy time. Even for Jispa.

I am also very conflicted on how to treat her  - adult or not. I am inclined to step off the pedal and Jasmine is inclined to stay on it. These causes a different set of complications. I think when you have one child the parental involvement in your child goes up and I think you are less likely to give more freedom to your child. We end up trying to control a larger swath of her daily life.

I have always been conflicted on this. Do I let her be and let her decide or stop her from hurting herself and doing silly things? Jispa is always fighting for her independence. I don’t know. Should we, should we not.

Every time I think we should let go, Jasmine says, that last one year. Lets just get her across the finishing line and we are done then. Why let go of it now after 17 years. Ya. It a valid argument. Our investment in her future is significant from an emotional standpoint. Surely she can handle one more year of us.

Her 18^th birthday is coming up this August. Man, after that its going to be a hell hole for us. Jispa is desperate to learn driving. I don’t know how good I will be as a teacher. How anxious I would be. Its going to fall on me to teach her. Jasmine will not be anywhere inclined to take up this task. This is going to be a severe test of my mental skills. The nest test is going to be equally fun. Would I give her the car to drive once I have taught her to? Oh boy oh boy. How is that going to happen? Which car would I give her? My bigger one or Jasmine’s smaller one. And how am I going to sit while Jasmine corrects her while she is driving.

Jasmine is a funny animal. She will be involved, want to be involved, itches to be involved but is so frustrated with Jispa that she will not teach her. Then little by little the pressure builds up and she uses a wrongly timed opportunity to speak up and then all hell breaks loose with Jispa. I predict this is going to happen in driving as well. It will be my job to teach and then suddenly once, Jasmine will start correcting Jispa and boom.

Not that Jasmine is wrong. Her observations are acute and very valid. Its her timing and delivery that is the issue most of the time. She will give it when she wants to and not when you ask for it. It’s a dark comedy that happens, which takes some maneuvering to either avoid or get out of.

Its so funny that when outside in you see, it looks like I am the aggressive one amongst the trio but as I have explained to Jispa many times, its Jasmine’s quiet aggression and doggedness that led Jispa to where she is right now, as far as her swimming, schedules, training and commitment goes. I would have slacked off way earlier if it were left to me.

These are some of the funny contradictions that a family lives with. There are so many weird combinations and complications that are best left unravelled. Right now, we have my mom staying with us. She has been staying alone for years now after she threw out both her sons. We went and set up our lives separately while she lived on her own. Over a period of time we managed to blow hot blow cold in our relationships and now we have reached fair degree of comfort in how we dal with each other.

When she threatened to throw us out for the umpteenth time, I had decided that from now on I will not fight with her come what may. So, over the years, I never ever fought, no matter what she did. Same with Jasmine. We realised there was no point fighting. We carried on and focussed on our life.

We built our house, our lives, our principals on our own. Its been a great journey. Its nice that in times like this because of how we handled ourselves, we were able to move on and get her over to live with us. That’s important. It’s a hell to be alone and quarantined like thus. Its nice to have your family together in such circumstances.

Again – its easy for me to get along with my mom and let bygones be bygones. I am amazed how Jasmine is able to handle that as well. Some of the stuff that happened was not pleasant from both our perspectives. I think its an interesting example for the rest and for our lives.

I think it is never correct to be bitter about anything and to rather have an easy disposition. You just accept and move on. You learn that it may not be the best for you at this time and that its ok. There is no reason to burn any bridges and be any bitter about your experiences. I think my mom is realising this as I am as well.

The only credit I give myself as I remember the moment years ago, as I had decided to leave the house, I promised to myself – I will not fight with mom. This one held on for years and it has still borne fruit. How do I do it to the rest of the world. I envy people who just refuse to fight any one anywhere in their lives. Cool calm people. I hate you guys. You guys by your mere presence make me feel like shit.

Its ok. I bring energy and life and action to my everyday life. My mom is also happy that while she is staying with us she is happily entertained. There is never a dull moment. I am talking, doing, fighting, boxing with Jispa, making fun of Jasmine – something or the other. She can’t believe how unlike each other; her two sons are. Placid lake versus raging storm.

There so many opposites – so much reconciliation.

its the same...

Well hello.

Its been a while and there are so many updates. But you don’t really care about my updates do you. I don’t – that’s more important. I think I have lost the art of writing a blog. Its difficult. I remember how I used to write. It would be a random thought or an experience that would set me off and I would keep that in my mind when I reach the computer – dying to write about the experience.

Without that little germ of a thought its pretty pointless to write anything. I could just ramble on and bore the readers on the fact that I want to write – but I cant , blah blah blah.

There  are a lot of interesting experiences that have happened to me  or us that I could write about. Some profound and some that I find erudite. So there is the Corona lockdown that I could talk about, how I feel, how the world is; and within that there ae schisms in society around communal lines. A lot of my friends/ acquaintances are so polarised in their hatred of Muslims that I find it quite amusing at best and disgusting at the least.

But more important than that is the fact that we are in a 21 day lock down and I really read on how we will get the economy going after that. I see a huge pain. Huge. I am not sure if I will have a job or the salary that I get currently in three months. The pains are real, the economy is screwed, and companies will go through a really tight squeeze. I don’t think we have ever seen a squeeze this large and I don’t anticipate going through it without significant pain. Land (goods and services), labour, capital, are all under severe stress and a major realignment of resources is going to happen. I don’t know which companies or industries will come back form this stronger.

Small businesses even though unleveraged depend on daily cash flow for salaries and a month out without receivables is an impossible thing to recover from. Keynes spoke about the economic cycle and that it must always be oiled and any stoppage must be kickstarted by government spending. But this is crazy. We are seeing forces of economic activity being stopped in totality for an extended period of time. Our politicians don’t know what’s going to hit them when we start. Cash (and gold) will remain good. I see stress on everything else.

But that, however erudite is not what I learnt this week. I learnt something more. Something very profound. I learned that human behaviour is same and that by and large the ups and downs that we go through in life remain same from generation to generation. It will take many many years and inter galactic events to change these emotions a human goes through.

Jispa is 17 (almost 18) and I keep telling her that she is not much different from what we were as kids. We too believed that our parents don’t understand us and that we suffocate in their thoughts and actions. We are independent smart and young kids. We believe that we can change the world, but the damn world – its conspiring to stop us. What are these thoughts. The same thing repeated after 27 years. Same shit.

I am sure my dad went through teenage pangs himself as I did and so will my child and those that follow her. My dad did not talk about his childhood much and his teen years. I know that he was a good boy and studied well but then he didn’t study too good in engineering and hepicked up smoking and drinking as well. What I must say that before I was born for sure he gave up on smoking and somewhere soon after – he gave up drinking. I have a vague memory of opening the fridge as a 5 years old to see green beer cans. But not much memory of that soon after.

But he did speak a lot about office and the politics he faced. That was universal. The pyramid was there then and it is there now. People dragging people up, and down, mentors made, enemies made, jealousy seen and back biting / stabbing rampant. People are the same. I was telling Jispa that the world hasn’t changed too much.

 The way it comes out maybe different, but the broad strokes are the same. I see other kids, kids under me, my friends. They are also going through similar trials. It’s the same over the years. No matter what it is you are going through, you can bet on it that something similar happened to someone before. Its remarkably the same, whether its relationships, struggle, work, friends or whatever. It’s the bloody same thing repeated.

Sometimes when Jasmine asks me about work when she overhears something, I don’t respond. The answers are always too complicated. But occasionally I explain the game. When Jispa hears it, she is flabbergasted. She told us “thank god, I am not going to be like you, stuck in a job that requires you to do/ think all this.” I laughed.

Of course, you will face the same issues no matter what job you do. She wants to be in medicine/ sports science / physiotherapy or something. I told her – what do you think. People are different there. They are all the same everywhere. I told her that in some colleges where I used to teach, the other professors didn’t like me. I was not even the faculty, I was just the visiting guy but they still hated me because I taught well and I got 80% plus attendance. Jealously is everywhere.

Doctors have their own issues as well. So does whichever profession you can think of. Even freaking NGOs have enough problems and fights. NGOs do good work but internally they are people after all. You should see some of the jerks I have interacted with. In all professions.

You will see them everywhere. The problems you face are universal. When you have a relationship – you will face universal issues. Even relationships go through their cycle. I have the luxury of having so many friends younger ot me talking about their lives. Same things.

Of course everyone’s life is different but the underlying issues are very same. People are finally governed by emotions and life cycles. Life cycles depend on hormones, wisdom, experiences and interactions. These don’t change and hence life doesn’t change. Welcome kid. Your life is going to be as F&^ked as mine. Just differently.

What of course changes is how you react to them and how you handle them. I have had some good teachers. Some (few) who have taken the trouble to teach me and some who I have learnt like Eklavya form Dronacharya. I think I can’t solve how life treats me, I solve how I can treat life. How I look at it as game to be played.

Coming to which, I have now a new found love for gaming. When I was younger, I couldn’t afford games. And Jasmine never let me play computer games, though she is now hooked onto cell phone games. And I never forgave her really for this. But I have an enviable collection of games to be played and it gives the greatest joy to play them. Its post surgery rehab for me right now (second knee). And I look forward to the time that I hope I will have for – badminton, gym, running and games.

I don’t want too much more in life. And once Jispa is suitably settled down, that’s the limitation of my ambition. Professional and personal. A chance to play ata game worth playing. So help me God. GOD? Wtf I am atheist. But I still say God with a lot of love and reverence. Doesn’t make sense, nah?

It’s a topic for another day. Love you all.

Equanimity

Jispa would rather die than show us her emotions. Her real emotions. For us everything is alm in her life and she is in a state of constant equanimity. Chill folks. All in under control.

At first I used to fall for it but now I think I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s just a façade. Designed to fool everyone around. Inside she would feel everything that a normal human being feels. She is quite a stable kid; I give her that credit for sure. she is not prone to extreme anger; except once when I took away her ear phones in the car and banned her music. She gave me the most violent reaction ever. I quickly retreated and gave it back. I want to punish her, but not take away what is core to her. I won’t forget that day in a hurry.

I also realized that since she likes her music so much, the least I can do is give her good earphones, and unlimited music. She has never ever asked me for anything. So when she asked me for a paid Spotify account, I was inclined to give her. I just made a deal with her that she has to pose for pics for Jasmine while in Denmark and the Spotify account is for her for life! I was giving her the account in any case, but a little wheeling dealing never harmed anyone, did it?

Next I bought her truly wireless earphones. I am sure Jasmine doesn’t approve but she lets me indulge Jispa a bit in all this. Again my only thing is that my kid never asks me for anything, so why should I not of my own accord give her stuff she appreciates but doesn’t ever ask. Even after giving her a surprise, she maintains a sense of equanimity. Cool. I am all cool in getting these nice in ear pods. No big thing.

Yesterday she went for her first date with her new boyfriend. Cool. It happened to be in a Starbucks next to my office. Since I was going to get done early, I picked her up after work. Now when you have a girl who acts cool, you have to be a father that acts cool as well. So I was like, hi – how was it? All cool eh? I didn’t ask her too many questions. I don’t think she would appreciate it.

In the evening, I just got a minute with her “Jispa – you went on your first date today. I hope it was cool. You know, I still remember my first date. It was with Jasmine and I remember how it was and which movie we saw. I remember being really excited and all.  It is something that stays with you. Savor it. And also – I know that you guys are different from what we were. I know it’s a less of a big deal amongst you guys, but I also know that core human emotions don’t change. So I know it’s exciting for you. Enjoy it”. I looked at her, smiled and saw her smile as well.

Of course she wasn’t going to admit to anything. Definitely parents don’t need to know storms underneath. I guess it’s better that way. My parents had no clue. My parents didn’t even know when my first date was. At least we know. At least we are cool about it. Big step forward. At least we know and accept that it’s a process and it’s not necessary that the first one is the only right one. I think we are cool as well.

Thanks to Jispa we too are learning to be stable about this whole process. We too are learning equanimity.

On another note – why am I paying my gym trainer 500 bucks a session to effectively kill me for 75 minutes. Why? This blog another day.

grow more

On Wednesday, I come home at night and I find Jasmine asleep and Jispa awake. Jasmine was in a bad mood thanks to me and Jispa and me were blaming each other. Your fault your fault. Then she asks me – has mom spoken to you. “no, of course not. She is pissed with me”. Jispa was referring to a specific conversation. But no. Jasmine had no conversation with me on anything. “ok, don’t freak out..” she said. While I was eating my dinner, my ears perked up. Now what happened? Normally this is a sign that some shit hit the roof. Breathing in I brace myself to hear some really bad news. She continues “I am like going out with a guy”.

Well it was about time. She found a guy to hang out with. My baby is in a relationship. Infinitely small, and just starting out. But well, she is in one and she choose to tell us about it, on the day it commenced. What more can a father ask for.

I always wondered how would I really react when I find out. I always thought that I would be pretty cool about it and stuff. According to me, I was prepared about this from the day she was born. I had my first relationship (jasmine) from the age of 15, and my kid is 17. So that’s makes it two years too late.

So how did I react. I put on my nonchalant face and said cool. I asked about the boy and stuff and I had a father daughter conversation about relationships.

Relationships are starkly different from my generation to this one. My generation was for keeps. You got into one and you stayed there for long, really long. Early on, the commitment to make things work was always there. It was right for its time I guess. Today I would be surprised to see any relationship last the way Jasmine and mine lasted. I don’t expect it to.

I reminded Jispa of a scene in a movie ‘dear zindagi’ where the protagonist asks her shrink if its ok to have so many relationships. The shrink talks about buying a chair. And he talks about trying various chairs before buying. See this video.

At end of the conversation. I felt nice about myself. I think I reacted pretty decently for a dad. I definitely didn’t freak out.

In the two days that have passed besides feeling nice about myself I have been feeling that my daughter has grown up. Is it her features or is it the way she speaks or just that now she entered a different phase of her life that makes me think differently? I wonder.

Stay relevant . fight

Reinventing yourself is so bloody important. Reinventing relationships are important. Reinventing your passions and your reasons to be are important. Nothing is constant as you grow older. Everything changes, the relationships and their interplay change over a period of time.

We need to keep evolving on everything and this can sometimes, many times cause stress. When Indians go abroad many a time they can be accused of being in a time capsule. They notions of India and Indianess is define by the time they left shores. They have been unable to move from their last notion of India.

Similarly, every time I wake, I start from where I left off yesterday. Parenting Jispa for one. It’s a question of constantly reinventing oneself. By merely having by birth the right to be a father is the stupidest thing that one can want. You have to earn it every day. This Saturday I was teaching about margins to my kids in college. What is margin and what constitutes margin. It is not as easy subject to grasp. People will constantly make the mistake of missing one component for another. When you look at the supply chain you will realize that margin compensates the component of the supply chain in line with its role, risk and reward. I was thinking in my head that while a lot of kids got it wrong, I would assume that a lot of these concepts Jispa would intuitively get right. Jispa probably doesn’t know what kind of dad she has. She probably underestimates the breadth of experience and wisdom I bring to the table.

These days while studying etc, she doesn’t need/ take my help. So yesterday I was talking to her while we were watching the swim races in the stands. We were waiting for her races. It was too much fun. This is the interschool races for the international schools. It was a national event. This gave Jispa a chance to directly enter the all school nationals through a much easier route. International schools are few and far in between in the country and most of them have very small classroom strengths and total over all student strengths. You can’t expect too much competition with these numbers. So while we were watching the races, I was enjoying the rank amateurs swimming in the nationals.

In in one race you will see national level medalists swimming alongside swimmers who haven’t ever been in 50-meter pool in their life, let alone swan at a stretch for than 20 meters. You can make out by the way they stand at the stand and their body structures. Young fit six pack athletes in their advanced costumes standing next to podgy fatted kids wearing their summer swimming costumes. I was dissing them for 10 minutes, in a very stand up way and laughing with Jispa at these kids. Yes, I was being very mean and very unfatherly. But these kids had no reason to be in this national competition.

I was also explaining to Jispa that once upon a time, I too was like this as a kid. I went for a swimming competition and almost drowned in the process. I had no business going for a race. Sometimes, we just force these kids into participation for a certificate that we participated at a national level race. But hell.

This is not the point of this story. What is the point of this blog? It is something totally different. Jispa and I were talking and we spoke about how till 7^th grade I was still largely involved in teaching her stuff. She said that now dad, you can’t even help me with anything on studies nah. I am way too advanced for you. AH… nopes kid. I am still a smart guy. I can help you with some of your studies. English and psychology for sure. and the mental aspect of sports science. Anything you do in the technical side, I am not that good. Bio, math etc – you are way ahead but in English and other similar stuff, I am still relevant and awesome. She was like – no you don’t know things like juxtaposition and stuff. We do analysis of vogue covers and stuff and you are not good for that. I had to tell her, not forcefully of course that I can still help you, but its your call.

Sunday evening at home she comes to me and shows me the explanation of the Vogue covers. She has to analyze them. She and her friend wrote a very superficial analysis of the covers. I explained to them that this was bad shit. I helped her understand core values of Vogue. Then who are on the cover – what is the intended effect of the celebs. What are the personality traits that the celebs lend onto the cover and the articles / themes of the cover? I explained how the Venn diagram of the vogue and the celeb intersection is what the cover is about. I basically took her analysis to a whole new level altogether.

At the end of this – I then told her – I am still relevant in your life kid. I am still relevant.

I have to fight every day. Struggle for being relevant in people’s lives. If you take your role for granted, then you are doomed. Fight every day and stay relevant. Else get consigned to the sides. Same for office, spouse, father, friendship, mentor – whatever shit you do. Stay relevant and keep changing.

the young will inherit the earth

Today was a nice morning. Jispa had a shorter workout. Typically I pick her up from her workout and drop her off near my office, which is half the way home. She then takes a rick back home. Today we had some time to kill. I asked her if she wanted to have coffee with me in the morning.

It was a nice coffee date at Starbucks. We spoke on a lot of things. She first got to see my office. Her reaction ‘it looks so much like a … like a BANK!’. Yes. It is a… a bank office you know. But I get it. She doesn’t mean it like a compliment. Our reception and office and everything is so traditional with all the cubicles and the reception area holds a bank branch with red being a dominant theme. It is very bank like and it is a total put off for a young kid. I remember the bank office when I was a kid. Large cubicles and counters behind which bank personnel were sitting. Very imposing and intimidating. Bank designs have improved over the years. But this comment by Jispa is very insightful.

The reception area is recently designed but it also shows how much out of touch we are with the rest of the young world. Our office space is also designed for old people and not a young crowd. Innovation cannot happen by an old person or by young people conforming to older standards. We must change and welcome new ideas, new thinking and new systems into our lives. That is the only way to change and continue to be relevant.

After coffee I was explaining to her, that as a father, my big dilemma is exactly this. How do I put blind faith on youth. I told her – remember Jispa. If you want to be wildly successful, mark my words. DON’T LISTEN to older people, and don’t listen to your parents. Older people advice will ensure survival, but to grow big and break everything you have to learn not to listen to us. So while you are with us, listen, you have no choice. But once you do become 18 and you don’t live with us, DON’T LISTEN TO US.

Curiously she was defending older people. She was saying that isn’t it that older people know more and wont they be right. I spoke to her about my office experience. Older people are often wrong and they work at preservation. When I worked at a startup for 2 years I learnt that the startup thinks very differently as a means to do things. They think very differently from older matured organizations and that one of the reasons why they have achieved scale at a rapid scale. Some the best guys in the VC business have understood this. It’s their job to trust the young kids and give them money and get out of the way.

Young kids don’t need older people in the company. I told her that in the startup I think I sucked at it. I think my role should have been only limited to advisory, not really working on systems and day to day work. That is best left to younger kids with energy and drive. I also told her that parents are the worst at giving career advice. We just don’t know what new things are out there. My mom would been so proud of me if I had given some banking exams and become a branch manager at a government owned bank. What did she know about careers?

I told Jispa that there years ago I did not know what my job would be. It has changed. The rapid scale at which change is happening, every three years jobs and industries are changing. Old people don’t know anything. That’s the biggest dilemma we as parents have. Your mom is right most of the time. If you follow her instructions, you will survive for sure. But if survival is your goal then sure. but if you want to be crazy successful, or at least have a chance at being crazy successful, you have to break rules. That’s the dilemma I am in all the time.

I want you to not listen to me. She countered that won’t we get things wrong if we don’t listen o sound advice. Yes kid exactly. You will be wrong but that is the right thing to do. To be wrong and then learn from it is to be right. As a young kid your job is to wrong and wrong again. Keep being wrong to be right.

A ha… after a long time – opposites reconciling. I know when I am on a roll. I get the title of my blog into my writing.

But all in all it was a morning well spent with Jispa. The job of the young is to guide the old and not the other way around. Old must learn actively from the young. I loved understanding and talking with Jispa. She is 16 and she has so much to explain to me. Her training programs, the fun they have in school, the things kids do and the life from her perspective. It’s time to simply sit back and absorb a lot from her. Its really fun growing up with her.

anger

Anger. It’s such a crazy emotion. It gets you nowhere. I have never my anger ever help me with anything or in any situation. Yet I let it flow. With my level of thinking and self-awareness, how do I let this happen to myself? How do I let anger get the better of me?

We Doshi’s supposedly are hard wired to be an angry type. We have a lot of anger issues. It’s a stupid bloody emotion. Where does it come from? I have often wondered. Small things can get us to flare up. When I was much younger, I remember dad trying to calm me down and tell me to remain cool. My brother and I used to fight a lot. We were two years apart and like chalk and cheese. I don’t think we have any core values or behavior overlapping in a Venn diagram. So it was chaos growing up. There were hardly any instances where he would have my back and would take my side.

One of the things I think he would get really irritated with me was my anger. When we used to play cricket on the streets, there were always lots of disputes. Football is an easier sport than cricket. You don’t need a referee in street football. You simply get rid of the basic hindrances, such as bad tackling and there, you play the game. It is impossible to play cricket without an umpire, though.

First of all, there is the LBW rule. This is a crazy rule which is totally in control of an umpire who must decide if the ball was going to hit the stumps if it had not hit your leg. Oh freak. This was so contentious that we simply got rid of it most of the times in street cricket.  Then the ability to effect a run out, taking a clean catch, or simply did the ball travel in line with the make believe wickets on top of the three stones we put.

Needless to add, fights and arguments were common in street cricket, as invariably the umpire was a highly biased person from the batting side. The funny bits would come if the umpire would be biased against his own side, giving a batsman out just so that he gets his batting earlier. This was the funniest ever. I learnt to get into fights and argue with the players, umpires and team mates. It was all par for the course. Keep arguing and fighting. Everyone did it. One would get might angry doing it. I think I stopped till one day my brother had enough of me. He pulled me one side and asked me “is there a trophy or cup for this game that you will get? Why are you arguing?” I remember that moment till this date. Why fight on these matters.

My brother and I fought on other matters that had significant importance. So significant that I don’t remember them at all. But we fought. Like cats and dogs. It would end bitterly, especially as I was the angry one and he was stronger. Dad would have to get involved numerous times. According to me, I had a sense of right and wrong. I would hate being wronged. Many a times Dad would calm me down.

I would hate that. I wanted justice not calming down. Today I see his wisdom.  Dad too had a temper that I know he spent a long time controlling. He also told me the same thing that I say today. Anger never helped anyone.

I hate myself these days. Really really do hate myself. I get angry and it hurts me. I can get angry at people in office doing stupid things and it can erupt. I can get angry at my family and it can erupt. But I try and bring it down and refuse to fight so many times. But I don’t know what effect it might have on me and my health. Is keeping it suppressed the right answer or reaching an impossible nirvana stage where one doesn’t get angry at all, the right answer.

Some of my friends wonder how calm I am. That makes me laugh. I am not calm at all. Over years I have learnt not to let so many things affect me. Most of the time it’s a simple question – is there a trophy in this for me? If not – no worries.

The problem is when there is a trophy. At home and at work. Work is easy. You have to perform or you risk getting out. At home – passions run deep. I think I am done with anger. Jispa and Jasmine do stupid things to get into each other’s hair and I get caught in the cross fire. I think I have a resolution to make here. At least I want to… Not to interfere or do anything that causes a dissonance with my own core values. This is just too much to bear. It’s like a millstone that weighs me down.

But this is the classical Keynes versus Hayek dilemma in economics. Should you interfere or should you let the free hand of the market work for you as over the long term equilibrium will be found. The problem is of time. Equilibrium is good for greater good as a society, as a life of a society is measured in centuries. Our selfish lives are much shorter.

My dad died at age 58, I am 44. What should I live for? It’s a fun question. Jispa is 17. We have her for two years more. Just 2. Then she goes. What do we do with her now? I am of the view that we must now cut her bindings that tie her home. It is now her thing what she wants to do or not. Why should we keep her chained to us? My job now is limited to trying to get a few thigs that sound to both and to pay for her basic studies. What else? I don’t want to interfere in her swimming, sport, studies and what not.

I am coming to the conclusion that it does not matter to me now. I cannot influence it and more importantly, I shouldn’t. When I was 17 I did not need any parental overhang. Why do I give it now? This is serious. It potentially will create more conflict in the short run but I think Hayek may prevail in the long. Things will settle down to an equilibrium. An equilibrium that is sustainable and happy to all, or at least ‘least unhappy’ to all.

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I seem to be writing very morose and depressed things these days. Arrgh. I don’t like this side of me. It can’t sustain for long. Not in my head. Let’s talk on some positive things.

Jispa managed to push us to get her enrolled for the Otter’s Club swim program. The coach is an Indian swim champion who just retired. So he is young and hip. Plus he seems to be having modern techniques. That makes it great for Jispa. She also swims with good swimmers and champions. That’s great company for her. Jispa really pushed for 6 months for this. I am glad it happened for her.

I am not sure if it will make her a great swimmer but I am sure it was help her become a good coach. I think she has in it to become a brilliant coach. She has a skillset for it.

Next – I love board games. Finally in my life, I have the money to buy them, a house big enough to play them and time to get friends over who enjoy them. I love board games. It is the one joy in my life that right now with a non-working knee, I enjoy. So we are playing games, like Guillotine, Catan, Secret Hitler etc. I am enjoying it like crazy. I want to get every opportunity to get friends over and play all night long. I want to buy more games. I want a cupboard full of them.

I love coffee but I cant have too much. I get caffeine addiction. So bought myself decaf! Awesomeness knows no bounds.

 bonus video from an amazing movie - inside out. its brilliant and based on what we understand of the human brain.

random thoughts to start writing

Jispa is now string enough to bully Jasmine. At home she jumps on Jasmine and pins her down. Jasmine can do much except protest. Both of them have these cute physical fights around the house and it always ends with Jasmine getting bullied by Jispa. So when they are whacking each other, I find it amazing to see Jispa getting whacks from Jasmine and standing her ground.

They grow up strong. Jispa and I were discussing the other day on how we have gotten her to grow. Whenever she would get hurt I would ask her “do you enjoy doing what you were doing while getting hurt?”. “yup? Then shut up and grin it and bear it.” She remembers that till now. In some ways, many ways, a father has mildly succeeded. I am happy. Shits gonna happen. You gonna have fun and then move on. You can’t dwell on it screwing your day. Too Much.

I remember the song Sunscreen. I have posted it before. It gives life advice and always goes back to the simple thing of using sunscreen. For me – it fresh tender coconut water. Always drink fresh coconut water. It helps me regulate my acidity and helps me hydrate myself. Everyday morning when I wake up and I have to go to play, I have coconut water. I cannot stress less on the fact that you must have coconut water. On days when I think I haven’t drank enough water, I have a coconut water. It just seems to take away all my issues. It’s the best thing in the world. It’s my answer to Sunscreen.

Advice – here is one – don’t take and please don’t give. Your job is to just hang around and listen. Advice is always subjective. How do I get myself to stop giving advice? I have no clue. I want to stop it.

Food is getting weird for me by the day. As I am growing older I am getting more and more sensitive to different kinds of foods. I feel potatoes don’t work for me in the tiffin. Funnily they seem to work in restaurants. Possibly it’s the ginger or garlic along that works. I don’t know. Tomato soup – can’t have that as well. Funny… I loved that as a kid. Cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Now I feel it gives me acidity. Chopped tomatoes are good. It’s the soup that takes me out.

Coffee – I have written about this. Not two days in a row, else bad headache the third day. Funny nah?

I am trying to get my tummy to be in some better shape. So trying to avoid fried. Oh god, I don’t drink, smoke, no lactose, no potatoes, no soup and now less fried… Jasmine is so done with me. Plus I don’t like pulses as well. They too interfere with my digestion. Dal is also doing funny things. What the hell… I will survive on coconut water now. What say?

But this is the thing that I like about myself. I don’t bother too much with this. I don’t get too annoyed with all these issues. If I can’t help these things then what can I do about it. That’s what I try and tell Jasmine. I can’t help it if I got a weak stomach and a strong brain. Such is life. You have to make do with the best that you get.

Speaking of strong brains. I am struggling to see strong brains in the company from the middle lot. They are really really dumb. You get some amazing talent from the really young guys but there is some serious talent missing from the middle layer. Possibly they are the ones who ran away because not much happened while they were here, and the dumb ones got promoted. Now I look back at my time and wonder if I was seriously underpaid. I was much smarter than these jokers at that age. Talent is so difficult to nurture and find.

Somewhere because of the policies of the past, people did not have the courage to break rules and dream big. Organization culture is so important. Because of an older culture the organisation today is stalled. You have to break. You have to push and you have to get new blood, new thinking and new energy into the functions you work. Breaking is an important part of building. Those who can’t break must be thrown out. Break and burn for new to grow.  Chase cute new things and new frontiers, not try and keep things as they were. The protector role is so glorified in some places.

I have started writing publicly. We have an emailer that is sent out to a bunch of prospects every weekend. The new content kid in my office thinks my writing is kind of cool and effective. She wants me to write every week. At first I wasn’t sure. But I am getting the hang of writing and getting my own mojo for the job. I think it’s coming out cool and succinct. Data seems to suggest that people are reading and clicking and giving us leads basis the stuff they read. Ok. That’s nice. It’s an awesome feeling to write and get feedback on it. I want to hone that skill set even more.

learning joy

Jasmine is a sweetheart. She has the best relationships with all her maids. They love to work with her. In fact when we moved here, it was a difficult thing for her maids to now search for new jobs. They love her and want to work with her. Jasmine treats people like they should be – like people. With dignity and respect. When we moved out Jasmine gave away a lot of things to the maids. Including extra clothes, cupboards and what not. We even gave away random old electronic hardware lying around. Sure we could have made more money simply selling the stuff on ebay but Jasmine and me both reckon that probably there is more value to be derived from them using it than me getting a couple of thousand for old loose stuff lying around the house.

She also treats them well, feeds them, gives them tea and generally takes care of them. So for every Sunday when Jasmine wants the old maid to come and help her around the house, she comes and then refuses to take money from her for a couple of hours work. It’s funny to see Jasmine trying to force them to take money and them running away.

We learn by observing and I learnt how to treat other humans from other people. My dad, my wife, my bosses and my friends. This is not something that can be learnt from moral science class in school. You have to experience and be willing to learn. Different people teach us how to handle different incidents. As I grew up I was a bit confused on how to treat people. I had compassion but around me was an India divided by huge chasms. The gap between the have nots and the haves was wide and there seemed to be an atmosphere of mistrust. Servants had to be kept an eye on, as they could steal and one should not intermingle too much. I think slowly as we began growing out of our disparities we learnt to deal with people.

Possibly also I learnt to deal with people as I grew up and there was no real economic change as I see it. Whatever be the case. I learnt to deal with people from other people. I do remember that being a training set. How to deal with sweet people and how to deal with irritating people. How to say no, how to cajole and how to reward. Jasmine has taught me a whole lot of all the people. She doesn’t try and influence people, she doesn’t try and push them, she just is. She just does what comes to her and people get influenced by her. They love her and work for her.

What may be my style? I am trying to hard or trying to less or the fact may be that I am trying, while Jasmine simply is being herself. I don’t know. But I do know that I try to treat people in way that I have learnt works for me. This is also basis how people have been with me. I see and I learn.

Learning is an everlasting process without a time line and structure. In fact structured learning is amongst the worst ways to learn. It surely tries to accelerate learning but it leaves much to be desired. I was talking to Jispa the other day. She goes for the international curriculum at school, which is far more advanced than what I had in school. She has critical thinking, an ability to reason and a freedom to write her mind. Her exams are more on experience, perspective rather than memory and rote. It’s lovely. But it’s only as lovely as the teacher makes it out to be. Awesome teachers make the classroom and the subject more interesting and the irritating ones make the subject boring. Some try and only explain how to attack the question paper and write things that are designed to get marks. There goes the studies.

That’s the problem with a structured education – it seeks to impart and then measure. While measuring it seeks to rank. To rank it needs a certain set of guidelines, schemes and structures for uniformity. There – we have reached a point where the twain are at odds with each other. It is now by definition doomed to failure. Should I learn for marks or should I learn for what I want to learn. I am screwed.

Yesterday with a friend we were discussing education and courses. My view was that it’s asking for way too much to get a child to figure what they want to do by the time they are 15 or 17. I didn’t know what my calling was till I was at least 25 years old. How can we ask for choice in these circumstances, so early of them? But the costs are high of wrong choice and the pressures, real. How does this work?

Forget. Right now I am trying to solve the leaking roof in the dry area from the flat above. It’s fun trying to decipher the leakage source, especially when it involves flooding that balcony with water and being Sherlock Holmes. Then taking a few calls and trying to be intelligent about things that you are so not really trained to do. Why didn’t we have carpentry, woodwork, masonry and other such base skills being taught in schools? A few classes of PT rubbish could have clubbed into this and we could have all been better off. The mechanics of a car, the innards of a toaster, the joy or raising a farm. Real life skills that allow you to work with your hands and give you immense satisfaction. Thye could have atleast taught us basic gardening, if not growing wheat. Or even now, a simple course on growing strawberries on the roof top garden… ok even parsley or basil growing would have been fun.

But this is not to be. I had a shitty education only redeemed by the fact that amazing women and a few amazing men wanted to teach as that was their choice. They loved us and we loved them back. They spoke to us, explained and inspired us. I am so happy that over that last 16 years I have done my little bit to alleviate boredom in the classrooms. Some little joys. In the process of helping people discover themselves, I discovered a whole lot about me. A WHOLE LOT.

That’s experiences and learning and joy.

sweet dreams are made of these

So Jispa is living my freaking dream. Ok… sorry Jasmine, OUR freaking dream. The joker is in Germany for an exchange program. It’s not really an exchange program but it’s a vacation in the form of an exchange program. They will stay at a school hostel and attend school for a few days but are not really completely living with a German family for a few weeks and attending school and all that. But hell. It’s still an exchange program. I wanted to go for an exchange program when I was small.

I remember seeing something like that in the papers about a free exchange program and wanting to join. I sent the letter and the papers and everything and when I got an invite (or just before or something), I saw that you have to pay for your air fare. The air fare to US in those days was around a 100 thousand rupees, which was way above what I could definitely afford. Also I had to pay for small incidental expenses etc. I think it was a period of 1 year where I could study and stay with a family there. Or was it one month? I don’t know. But what I do know is that obviously my dad wouldn’t pay that amount and I was in India with a broken dream. I am not sure if I was upset with dad. I think not. I think I was in this respect at least, quite understanding.

We knew money was at a premium and that dad was at home after his heart attack and that we were trying to run the family on investments and a children’s nursery that my mom ran. It was a nice and popular nursery – Angel’s Nursery. It generated quite a bit of income for the family when we needed it the most. I remember my brother and me being taken by dad on his scooter (with a side car attached) to the various localities and catchment areas and going door to door and stuff pamphlets in the letter boxes and doors. I remember liking the job and quite enjoying the experience. It was invariably on the vacation before the school season for new admission starts.

So I do understand not being sent for this vacation. Right now, with the new house and the 6 months that we had without one of the houses on rent and the Chembur gymkhana membership and all… we are pretty broke. Jasmine and me and wondering and calculating the money in the bank accounts. It’s fun. Luckily I am not stressed as much. I have been through much worse. At least here I am asset rich and cash poor. So when the Germany trip came in, we still said yes, knowing that we will figure it out.

I stopped taking stress on a lot of issues. We will figure it out as we get along life. Jasmine and I discuss that Jispa is young and atleast she should enjoy. It is difficult for all three to go but at least one can go and see it. She is going to Germany, see Nuremberg where the trails were held after WW2 and she is going to Salsberg in Austria. Oh freak. She is completely living my dream. But I am not complaining.

The joker that Jispa is, is not understanding that these are our dreams. I have told her to send pics and talk to us and describe things to us. Share the experience with us. But she is not likely to do so. She likely to go there and act all secretive and at best we will get her experience from her Instagram feed. Such an ass she is. Possibly when she is 30 or possibly 40, when she reads this post, she will realise what a pain she was.

Dreams are funny things and when you mix parenting with them, they can get potent, liberating and restricting at the same time. We parents have to balance it and Jispa has to balance it. She can’t do something or not do something because of us, but we expect her to do or not do because of us. What is right and what is wrong? There is no right and wrong, there is only tension. Tension as opposites reconcile. This tension makes the job interesting, painful, memorable and rewarding. No tension no fun.

Last weekend a kid came home. I had taught her 8 years ago. She came for gyan and advice and chit chat. She had remained in touch, on and off I must have met her after 8 years. It was damn cute. There was the tension of me being her teacher but also the tension of now being a peer in some way.

Yesterday I was super proud as well. It always happens when a kid I have taught comes home and spends time with us and asks for advice. This one was from  the current batch I taught. She and her friend decided to start a cold brew coffee company focusing on really authentic cold brews. She came over for advice and to get me to taste her coffee. It was seriously awesome coffee and I really enjoyed it. Since she wasn’t taking money for the coffee, I made her my special paneer burjee… and then we fed her icecream and we showed her how to make caramel sauce etc. At the end Jasmine and I sat with her and played a few card games. It was so much fun. I know I am some time away from retirement but then this what I would love to do when I retire. Talk to old friends and students, play cards, talk marketing, give free advice and take free coffee from them. It’s the best combo ever.

Teaching has given more joy than anything else. That it helped me improve my speech delivery and improved the basics of what I teach is secondary. The joy that I get when these kids reach out to me, talk to me and give me the love and respect that have for me. It is invaluable. This why I teach and this why I cannot give up. I have made teaching a fine art of teaching logic, concepts and stand up foolery. Just this week I was to give a 12 minute talk on techmarketing at a forum. I did not quite know beforehand what I wanted to speak about but a few days before the talk, I wrote down 20 concepts that would be important to digital marketers as they try to go upon their journey. These are from my personal experience and could be quite controversial or plain different, depending upon the context.

I knew I was good, but suddenly 5 minutes into the talk I started having fun and I started enjoying myself on stage. My stand-up routine started and I started having a load of fun. In the end I was short of time and I started doling out advice in rapid fire mode and the tempo went up and up and up and I was talking as fast as I could. It was serious fun. I have never before had so much fun on stage ever. And the stage was a big one! It going to be telecast on TV later. Here is the not so telecast quality of the same. In 24 hours it already has got more than 500 views. I was on fire! It was an important high point in my professional life so far. Not because I gave gyan on stage. I have done so many times before, but never have I enjoyed it so much. And never before have I done it like this, pushing the limits of my irreverence combined with intelligence and experience. Full time pass.

Here see the full video here.

I really enjoyed this. At first I had put the word f*#@king in every slide. Trying to make an impact. There is an extra alphabet there just for you to know that the word isn’t what you were thinking of but a more politically correct FREAKING. Then the sponsors raised a few valid questions and were urging me to be prudent. I agreed and I sent them one with all of them deleted. As luck would have it, they played the original slides at first and I had to gently remind them on stage. Suddenly as I ran through the presentation, they smartly changed the presentation and the result was that in the middle all the sanitized slides came on. I guess the impact was made. Social was  abuzz with the F*#@KING presentation and the points I raised. Alls well that ends well.

old dad in new home

Big dream done. We shifted to our new home on the 21^st of the April. Yes I am recording this date in this blog for historical purposes. The big dream was not merely shifting to this home but also sitting on a desk that I call my own and switching the computer on and writing my blog here. That is my big dream. I always wanted a bedroom with a small study table inside and a place to put my books and stationery, including pens and note books, etc. this is a place that I can retire to. Both Jasmine and me, old wrinkly and retired. Jispa is old enough to get her room, but she is old enough to not enjoy it too much.

I expect her to run out in a couple of years and possibly study elsewhere and this room of hers will be vacant. I don’t what we empty nesters would do then. But then that is a story for later. No point thinking too much about things that may or may not happen. As for now, I am enjoying the larger rooms and the space and the TV and gadgets in the kitchen; and my desk. That desk is very personal and important to me for some reason. It’s a tiny space that’s mine in the house. I love it and I seem to get possessive about it.

My little girl has also grown. Now she bullies us and we have to use extreme authority to get things done. I recognize that the only reason that she listens to us is because she wants to and because she has to. It’s going to get quite tough from now on for us. In such a scenario she will listen purely because we exert moral authority (or guilt). This become interesting for us as parents. This is becoming difficult for us as parents.

Moral authority is a bit of chimera and ephemeral at the same time. I think you can get a bit of these tokens which are very difficult to replenish. You cannot just start using it and expect them to work. You have to work on them and even when you use these tokens you have to be very clear about them. Like recently, I had to use complete total power when I banned the use of the cell phone in Jispa’s room. The cell phone cannot go inside the room. Full stop. This is a big one. She has been spending too much time in the room on her cell phone. A room by itself is black hole within which nothing escapes. The cell phone is equivalent of the gravitational force that makes the black hole so powerful. I am thinking of calling Jispa’s room ‘the singularity’.

So it was incumbent on me as the dad to enforce this discipline. I don’t like and it’s quite against my core beliefs in some way. You need exposure to technology and at 16 you can’t enforce too much. But then there was another core belief being compromised. That of keeping the family together and stopping what was essentially bad for her. It was the one thing that was eating into her reading time. Reading time is the one thing that has gotten me where I am today and I did not want to compromise that for her. Of late she has begun to read a lot less and that is disturbing as far as I am concerned. Possibly it’s because the books that she needs to read are very different from the ones I had and possibly she needs different people suggesting different set of books to her. Possibly she needs different interests. Poor thing right now has only pone perspective – mine and that I would admit is severely limiting. I try to get her to read a diverse set of books, but finally they are my diverse set of books. One big thing missing from my set is good fiction.

I want to restart my reading. One of the few things I have started is keeping my phone to charge away from the bedside table. It’s now on my study table. So no browsing and then sleeping. Second I want to stop taking it inside the loo. I have kept a book there to read instead. And I have bought books and am keeping them within arm’s length everywhere. I need to read more and this has to get kick started. I am also trying to get the laptop over the week end and catch up on the various tabs that I have left open during the week to finish my reading.

Right now it’s a bit of a bummer. With work being very hectic and the home setting up taking so time, one of the things that I haven’t found time for is myself. I need to find this time and give it to myself. Last week was so bad that I found myself popping in a few paracetamols and trying to get through the week. It’s a good thing that I had a holiday today. Nice relaxed no agenda day, trying to sleep in, do some basic house work and get some valuable rest.

So it’s a tough thing being a dad. All I can say is that I have learnt over the long run on how to be more effective than what I was earlier. I keep wondering how much my teen will test me. So far I must admit, it’s been fairly ok. She has her mood swings when she can get very annoying and difficult but on the whole she has been quite a breeze.

Right now while I was writing this blog, I had to use some of my brownie moral points to get her to study math. When we first told her, she was like ‘you promised you wouldn’t interfere with my studies’. Yes we won’t, but it’s also important for us to interject into your life when you are going wrong. Not studying is going wrong. So practicing math is also important for you in what you seek to do in your life. But yes – I can’t complain nor can I scold her, nor can I force. I can only use moral brownie points and I used a few of them right now. She must study math. It’s important for her life. But then how can we really push. Whatever works for now works.

diligence and dedication

What is it to be a dad? I don’t know but being one does teach you a lot of things. Having patience for one. It can be extremely rewarding and frustrating at the same time and to live with these ups and downs is a part and parcel of being a dad. It compounds with the fact that parenting is a moving target as your child grows up every day. They respond differently and more importantly I as a parent, need to think differently. I have to approach each situation differently, every time it repeats or every new day.

It’s not an easy things and it’s not that it comes naturally. In fact the natural behavior would be to deteriorate your response with the frustration of repetition. At this point, I have to control my instincts and think deeper and reach for resilience from within. I am sure Jispa too needs serious resilience from within to deal with her parents as well. And this will only get tested again and again when she grows up and is independent and doesn’t require us for her growth or wellbeing.

Today morning as I was dropping Jispa to swimming for her morning swim and I reailsed that she had forgotten her flipper bag. Again. Oh dear. There was no point in scolding her or anything. She told me that she will simply borrow a fellow swimmers bag and continue. As I left her and went back home I couldn’t help thinking – Jispa reached her national glory thanks to Jasmine doggedness. We put her in swimming and then the program took over. Jasmine found her calling in Jispa’s program and supported her. We drove her to every swim meet, we sat in the background and fed her, we got her ready for school and dropped her, we cooked her special food and basically ferried her every where and got her to stick to her swimming program.

Left to her own, I don’t think the kid would have done it. Today as we have relaxed our oversight into her program she has slipped and how. She doesn’t train as hard, she bunks at will and we realize - she is not destined for pushing herself to achieve greatness. She is a good person. A nice toughish kind of kid but she is not the natural born self-motivated sportsperson who can continually achieve greatness by virtue of relentless unsupervised practice. She is not eklavya who can make a statue of her teacher and practice away. In Many ways she reminds me of me.

I think my dad would have said that I have never fulfilled my potential as a kid growing up. In sports or in studies. Procrastination was my thing and diligence was never it. It’s only when I grew up in life and when life kicked me in the backside that I realized the value of diligence and dedication. Anything that does not have it will not get achieved. And never to your satisfaction. I think Jispa achieved what she did in swimming was because Jasmine showed these two things in helping Jispa grow with the program. My job was diligence and dedication to Jasmine’s cause. It wasn’t my thing. Even today I tell Jispa, its ok, relax, live your life, have a childhood, and don’t bother training so hard now.

Jispa will grow up and understand these things. She is better than most other kids. I am sure. She can still manager her swimming and her studies and the simple fact that she continued to swim all these years, makes me convinced that she has it in her to grow. I am not criticizing her but making the difference between kids who are good (damn good) and kids who are great. Look at the current Indian captain. After breaking into the cricket team and the big league did her realize that he has to work even harder and train like crazy if he has to break into the all-time great lists. He was a chubby child and now he is a pinnacle of fitness and hard work. I was a lazy worker and now I put in 12 hours a day trying to get things done. It takes time to grow into what you want to do in life and when you get it, then you can go for it.

I am sure Jispa will be a great coach or a good teacher or an awesome worker. She should do well. She has a lovely disposition that she got from her mother, an understated ambition (mother again) and an ability to explain her thoughts (now that’s me). This is her and I am quite proud of her. She is a far better kid than I was at her age.

Just a few days ago we had this conversation on which subjects to choose and which to drop. I told her to screw career and follow what you love. Finally she chose basis the best teachers she would get. That’s a smart choice. All subjects are good. It’s the teacher who makes us love a subject. Now she chose physics on the basis of the teacher and immediately she loves it. That’s a great choice kid. Connect to people and you will always be rewarded. Pick people you love and work with them. Then it’s always easier to handle every issue that comes your way.

deep

“Dad” asked the voice on the other end. “ya?”. “Dad can I go to the NSCI holi.”  “whats that” I ask? “Siddhant (her cousin) is calling the entire gang (the one that went diving together) for Holi at NSCI club. It’s a thing, and can I go?”. Err. Permit where you can and protect where you must is the motto. I am sure Jasmine would have told her to ask dad so shooing her off by saying ask mom is also not going to work. Holi – a bunch of drunken revelers with colors etc, is not exactly it. “no” I answer. Then I proceed to explain my point of view “no, because first I don’t your cousin is up to any good. Second – people drink and play holi. Three – it’s the place where most eve teasing happens. Four – I don’t really know you gang to send you here. Five…”. “Dad..Dad.. relax. Stop. I didn’t want to go in any case. It’s ok. I had said no but my friends were insisting”. “bastard, so you just wanted me to say no so that you have an excuse to say no?”. “ya kind of”. “ok.

Yes I did use the expletive and yes… parents are not meant for too much meaning. They are meant for simply being there while your kid derives meaning from your presence. 

I just said some deep shit, that mean nothing.

to err is parent

Life is all about ups and downs. There is no linearity in life. Some days you feel good and some days you feel down. Experience is nothing but knowing this and enjoying when you are up and not worrying too much when you are down. WE try and smoothen the curve by being less exuberant when we are on top. We try and save some money for the rainy day. We try and keep a little joy aside and try and share it with others who might be facing a down side. That is life.

When I was younger, much younger, I was told to save money for a rainy day. Rather I was told and fed into the brain that I must save. I will never forget that one day on my honeymoon, when Jasmine and I were walking from our hotel in Gwaldam to a Buddhist monastery nearby. We were walking and discussing our finances. My salary was not more than 10 thousand a month and we were planning what our expenses would be. It was 6 thousand to mm for running expenses and around 2 thousand a month for our expenses such as restaurants, roaming around etc and we had planned to save another 2 thousand for a rainy day – savings amounting to 24 thousand a year. I really thought that was a good number at the time.

What I did not realize that my salary and life would turn and turn again and I would find that number abysmally small. The salary itself would go up so much that you don’t really need to save money at the start of your career. So looking back, possibly I should have taken that money and blown it up on fun things and more vacations and a lot of other things that young couples would spend on. Possibly a few more dinners. At the start of one’s career, it is almost futile to save money. I see no point in it the amount being saved.

But the question is not on the amount but on the habit and principle of it. One must save as a matter of good governance. Otherwise one gets used to spending and then that is the end of it all. I think that 2 thousand a month was important as a beacon and not as amount in itself. It set the tone for us as a family that looked to save money from the money it made every month. It set eth tone for Jasmine and me that we will not go beyond our means and save whatever small amount we possibly could.

For any youngster that is starting off – a simple advice – enjoy life after setting aside a small amount – pre defined – in the equity market, either as direct investment in stocks or as a mutual fund investment.  That’s it – rest must be used to live life to the fullest. When any young kid asks me for investment advice, I first tell them to blow money on their passions. Travel, read, meet people, do a lot of fun things and try and achieve your objectives in life. You can only do that when you are younger. When age burdens you with responsibilities, so many things go off the window. I would think a 100 times today before jumping off a cliff in a hang glider today. I would have gladly done it as a 25 year old.

Youth must be enjoyed to the best of its ability. Money will follow. As you grow older, the simple principle is to not let your life expand at the same pace as your salary. This way you enjoy but you save an incremental percentage of your growth. That is the best way to look at life and money, and still live your life.

These days I am in a different zone as a parent. Many years ago the book I read on parenting told me the one rule that I won’t forget ‘permit where you can, protect where you must’. As Jispa is 15, I more than ever keep it in my head. I am trying my best to let go and stop being too protective about her. I keep having conversations with Jasmine on this. Jasmine and I often talk on how much we must allow her. Suppose there is a sleep over at a friend’s place from school – is this allowed? I understand where Jasmine is coming from. We don’t know the person properly and their family and hence must we send. Will this become a precedent? Will this be used again and again? I don’t know. Honestly, I tell her that ‘I don’t disagree with you’. Yes Jasmine is right but also Jispa is 15 now and she must learn to be away and make decisions for herself. She has to now take charge of her life. I keep telling that at 15 my parents had no clue what I was doing in life. I was on my own. What jasmine also reminded me was that I was always regretted that my parents did not push me right. All they did was give me lectures on studying but did not really create or manage my schedule that made me study. So in that respect Jasmine is right. We must push Jispa now. This is not the time to let go of the accelerator. After 15 years of hard work, this is not the time to give up.

But at the same time she needs an advocate on her side as well. So I guess that is my job. I at heart agree with jasmine but I fight myself and try and fight for freedom from Jispa’s side as well. That is important in the family. Now at this age we need to push the bar on what we allow. We have to let her free but slowly cut the umbilical cord. This is delicate procedure where you don’t know which side to err on. Safety first or freedom first. Sigh. Parenting is a tough job. Best of luck to you all.

buckets everywhere

Blogging is so important for your soul. Soul? Yup. It’s so important for my soul. It saved me yesterday.

Ten years ago things got bad and I had to leave home and set up my own home away. One of the things I managed to do is never ever fight with mom ever. We had our periods of talking or not talking, but I never did fight with her. I knew she is my mom and at the end of it she does care for me and she finally made me what I am.

When we were growing up shifting from Dubai to India was an episode I would have loved to forget. From plenty to nothingness. Then more crap happened as we moved here. My dad got his first massive heart attack and that was a tough blow for the family. Yes we had savings but it also meant that he would never be able to do his core job, that is as a civil engineer, walking up and down building steps as it is being constructed. We moved to our new home that they planned and we started to build our lives.

I remember having a lot of foreign things in the house as we transferred a lot from Dubai to India in the government scheme called TR (Transfer of Residence). This meant that we had a lot of stuff, but it also meant that all this quickly dwindled away. Mom started a nursery to keep the income going. We were never poor or disadvantaged at any point but it meant that we saw a contrast that as a kid I hated to see. I remember asking many things from my parents and a lot of the time, wasteful expense was not encouraged. So I guess, I heard more no’s that yes. As a kid I dint like it but I have blogged about this, that I now understand it and I bear no ill will towards my parents. I think given the circumstances that’s the best they could afford and that’s the best we could do. My blog helped me clearly explain this out for myself in my head.

On Saturday I was alone at home and I thought I could spend some time with mom. I called her and told her that I was coming home to dinner. I just wanted to spend time with her, chill around. So I spent the evening with mom. Later in the evening she told me that she wanted to buy me something for my new home which we were renovating. Ya mom, but I don’t need anything. Luckily I am earning enough and it’s not needed. Mom still insisted and she gave me a cheque. This was not the thing. She said something that in some ways just touched my heart. She said that when she had us kids growing up, we would ask for a lot of things and it would break her heart to say no to so many things. We couldn’t really afford it and hence she would be forced to say no. She said she hated doing that but had no choice. Now she has money and she wants me to buy things that I want. Hence take the money.

Oh dear dear me. It killed me. Ya. As a kid I was mindful of the fact that we had less money but also I think as a kid I asked for things. I know and thanks to the blog, I know for sure in my mind that I was aware of it and that I don’t hold that against anyone. I grew up. This blog yesterday saved my soul from being burnt with guilt.

Closer home to the present. We are building our home and we are going broke. Our complete cash flow is being compromised as we go over budget. But it’s our home and we are aware. Thanks to some circumstances we haven’t had a big holiday and we haven’t had a chance to go abroad as a family. Now with the house coming in and screwing our finances, it not happening soon either. So this time when my friend was taking kids to a diving trip to the Philippines, my first reaction was to say no. We can’t afford it – a straight 1.5L poof, gone, for one person. That was not happening. But Jasmine told me – its ok dad. Where we send her anywhere. We can’t go but at least she can. It’s not that we can’t manage. I was agreeing but I did not want to screw the finances. I would have had to sell my shares (hard assets) for this. Jasmine still said ‘for what do we have all this’. If at this age she cant go then when will she go? Every time something or the other comes up. I agree. It does. One HUGE regret, we didn’t go to Hong Kong Disney when she was the age for it. I still find myself a failure as I couldn’t take my kid to DIsneyLand. I always wanted to do it. I had the money at the time but the outlook was bleak and we postponed it and it then never happened.

So I agreed. Jasmine was right. She IS right. My sweet mom, is right trying to do amends. I can do it right away. Ya its big but it’s not that I can’t afford. It can be made up and we can manage. Jasmine and me discussed that at this stage, we are older and we can choose not to go diving. Instead of all of us going, let Jispa go thrice, its better bang for buck. Ya. I wanted to do scuba, sky diving, bungee jumping and other stuff. But I am not worried. I think I will manage to do it. I went to the silicon valley and met all the tech companies – that was one off the bucket list. The others will come. But at least a 15 year old can tick one for herself now. That’s a great age to develop passion and experiences. Not 42. The next age I think is 54. That should be fun.

I told my mom yesterday – mom, your kids are cool. They work hard and they enjoy their lives and they have money. Take all your money and live however you want to. Don’t leave a penny for us. Not a penny. So while she also told us no while we were kids, I also know, they told themselves no for so many things. Who are we to judge our parents or anyone in history.

History – today I did a long cherished dream. I was a tour guide to Elephanta. A couple of our friends came in from Canada. Two old women who are absolutely amazing. I took them there and showed them the caves and helped them understand a lot of Mumbai, India and the caves. This is my third visit to the caves and I loved it. I reread the book and now I am able to interpret it completely from my eyes and my angles. History is about interpretation and so is mythology. I see the caves very differently from how the others would. For me, it’s my own version of the story and the architecture. It what I want out of it and how I am able to share my vision with others. Wow. I was so thrilled. I took a laser pointer and took my friends to the caves. Soon enough, a guide came up to me and asked me if I needed a guide. NO. I am good. But they insisted. They said, they were ASI certified guides and only they could show the monument, not me. Yes – I understand you. But I am not a guide. I am friend. I am not charging any money and I am not soliciting any tourists inside the monument. How can you stop me? I am a banker and not a guide, you don’t see my face every day and please, there is no law against what I am doing. I was disturbed three to four times. I think not many understand that normal everyday people can also have a reservoir of knowledge and want to freely pass them on. Jokers. I had quite a few arguments and I was pissed. While leaving, they again confronted me and told me that it’s not right. I again stood my ground. There is no law on this. These are my friends and I can show them around, without you. Arggghhh. This was irritating. The guards were very reasonable. They came and asked me – are these your friends, then there is no issue. You can do it, it not against any rules. We left the place, but it was super fun. I loved it and I realized that I could explain this temple without a book and with ease and build a credible, or should I say incredible story around it. I am going to retire and be an official storyteller. The name of my company is going to be  - ‘Through My Eyes’. I hope to retire rich enough to start this passion where, we take super care of all the tourists and have a free model with an ability for the tourist to pay whatever he wants at the end of it. No questions asked. I don’t mind a small box at the end where I don’t even know, who paid how much, so people pay for value and not for show.

Then I took them to St Thomas Cathedral and in and around the Fort area. I loved the 8 hours I spent with them. It was beautiful. I told them, don’t thank me – my wife would tell you – I need to thank you for allowing me to do this. To be mistaken for a tour guide in Elephanta - One more off the bucket list!

a lemon and a peach market

No matter how bad the mood, the greatest joy I have found is in enjoying the company of your family. It was good that the last few months of my previous employment was a bit of a tough one. I used the time and the experience to grow smarter and tougher. I find it easier to deal with less catastrophic issues.

I have had some rough times in my career and many of them were earlier on in my life. These helped me prepare for a lot of shit that seemed to have followed. Of course it follows in different ways. Sometimes, there is boss trouble, sometimes there is peer trouble, sometimes, unrelated colleague trouble and sometimes employee trouble. Trouble doesn’t come with a standard tag or a name. You learn to deal with it and you learn about the vagaries of life while dealing with it. One of my reactions over a period of time is to simply buckle down and try and build a cocoon around yourself. Talking about it doesn’t really help. Hence sometimes I look at people talking about it to others and taking advice, making me wonder, if this was really helpful. Once in a while taking advice is good but more than that is to my view not healthy.

Over a period of time, I have realized that sitting, chatting and discussing with other people on various issues is a good thing. But consistently talking about your problems and looking for advice is practically useless. The old adage is that people say that you shouldn’t leave so much within yourself. It’s not good. Well – that’s a yes and a no. I think in life I have learnt to just simply contain a lot of the anguish and pain within myself. It served me well. Opening up did really do me good. I like the way men (archetype) are friends with each other (sounding sexist). We chat, we discuss and we move on. We simply don’t dwell too much on emotional issues. There are 100 different versions of this and counter versions, but I am discussing the archetype. Ok – forget the disclaimers. I am talking about the thing that when screwed, probably a response that allows you to just box it mentally and manage your other life well, possibly works best. In managing your other life, the time spent with your loved ones is something you cherish the most.

I love the way Jasmine fights with me these days. Or should I say – I love the way she responds when I fight with he these days. Whatever – it’s fun. I shout, she gets angry and in 30 seconds we are back, smiling at each other. It’s not personal. We fight and we just get back. No egos, no making up with each other – just the quiet confidence that we love each other more than what the fight is all about. That’s the only way we can manage to get through all the stuff that we are managing to do these days. Jispa’s swimming, the new house that we are planning about moving to, all the decor and the arrangements. It’s not possible to do all this and not fight. And it’s not possible to have good memories if we fight and sulk. Right now it’s going great and we are doing just fine on how we are doing up the house. Enough fights and enough fun times and a lot work trying to visualize all the work.

Coming back. I was in a horrendous mood since yesterday evening thanks to some crappy work I was seeing at work. But I liked the way I simply put my head down, slept through and when I woke up I decided to spend time with Jispa and jasmine at the dining table and take effort to smile and chat with them. There – I felt much better and I realized what real truth in life is.

Coming to which – Jispa is a real joker. She loves what she calls the ‘papa’ smell. Every time I wake up from sleep and I hug her she gets papa smell from my t shirt. So she makes it a point to sniff me when I wake her up. One day, out of the blue in the morning, I woke up removed my t shirt and threw it on her face and went for bath. After some time when she woke up she loved the fact that the t shirt was on her. Her words “I was dreaming that I was in a meadow and smelling flowers and the flowers were smelling of ‘papa smell’.” Hah! Jasmine didn’t know where to look. She rolled her eyes and was wondering to her self – these two are crazy.

With Jispa I have a pact going – she allows me to kiss her nose and I allow her to bite my arm. It’s an irrevocable pact. Now we have another pact that I engineered. I throw my t-shirt on her in the morning and allows me to give a kiss on her ear lobe twice a day. Her only condition is that I don’t do a slurp kiss. Hahaha. I engineered this one and in the morning I was explain to her – that thanks to this understanding a lot of benefits happened. First – she gets the t-shirt every day, second, I get to kiss her properly and not just sneak one on her ears while I am hugging her, third, I am forced to give a proper one – the one that she doesn’t really mind and fourth – it’s a sanity situation where I am constrained to two a day. All benefit when a trading pact happens. It benefits the whole ecosystem.

Today morning I was reading about The Market for Lemons. Here the economist Akerlof argues that in the market for used cars, there exist asymmetrical information. The buyer doesn’t know about the car quality but the seller does (which is the lemon and which the peach is). Over period of time, thanks to a trust deficit, the average price of the car being bought by the buyer will gravitate towards the middle, the average of the peach or the lemon. This will drive the peaches out of the market and then you are left with only lemons. This drives all the buyers out.

 An interesting quote from the paper: “The cost of dishonesty, therefore, lies not only in the amount by which the purchaser is cheated; the cost also must include the loss incurred from driving legitimate business out of existence”

The book I was reading spoke about how this paper is important in understanding that asymmetrical information is important in driving business out. With internet and apps and the platforms that it has mushroomed – people are able to rate each other and information can be democratized. This is the example of Uber allowing both the passenger and the driver to rate each other and similarly the case in AirBnB. It allows everyone to participate and the world becomes a more vibrant space. Trip advisor allowed the smaller hotels with exceptional service and no marketing budgets to beat the big hotels on ROI and occupancy rate. Information thus democratized forces people to improve their service or the lunch will move from the big stupid seller to the smart nimble seller on the basis of interactions that have been positive.

I have seen this thing in action. As Trip advisor and other review sites mushroomed the world became such a smaller place, such an accessible place, such a beautiful place. When I was in SFO I realized that to get anywhere to anywhere you just need Uber. This is a huge thing. Earlier you would wonder before takinga taxi in a new place – is cheating you, or taking you on the longer route or anything. Here all that friction is just taken care of. One other thing about uber – I have written about this in the past – is that in Mumbai it has caused a lot of congestion. I reaslie that it is in part thanks to the laws of the land. Here an average car owner cannot just switch on to become an Uber driver. He has to have a commercial registration and a yellow number plate. In US you can simply turn on the Uber app (some pre verification) and boom – you are an executive by day and an Uber driver on the way home. This is the ultimate Uber dream. Your car is idle and parked for 90% of the time. With Uber – you can simply sweat the asset through the day. Laws here stop that and hence the congestion. If you transform the laws, possibly you will have Uber and less congestion. That’s the great thing.

So it’s interesting, how Uber is relevant and the innovation has potential to really decongest the city. The ultimate Uber holy grail – Pooled, autonomous, electric vehicles. Now  that’s crazy. That’s serious transportation solutions. It uses existing infrastructure to provide a solution that promises to work and get the hassle off the commute. And without government spending.

That’s the power of innovation, freethinking and the ability to do business with minimal government regulation. That’s the case for regulation to reduce. And that’s the reason or trade. Trade allows rules to be formed that work well for all parties. Jispa gets my used t shirt and I get her ear lobe. Win win and everyone loses if the contract is broken. Speaking of which – distributed ledgers…. Some other day…