conflicts everywhere, resolutions there

I do not know after 17 years of handling my little baby if I even understand her. My guess is that she for sure thinks we do not. She is simple and complicated at the same time. On the face of it, Jispa is extremely uncomplicated as an individual. She doesn’t get involved in many issues. She is not troubled too much by things around her and broadly she lives her life untouched by other people’s opinions.

On the other hand, some of her decisions and her mood swings we find difficult to predict or understand. I think 17-year olds everywhere are complicated people. And they have been so for ages. Its not an easy time. Even for Jispa.

I am also very conflicted on how to treat her  - adult or not. I am inclined to step off the pedal and Jasmine is inclined to stay on it. These causes a different set of complications. I think when you have one child the parental involvement in your child goes up and I think you are less likely to give more freedom to your child. We end up trying to control a larger swath of her daily life.

I have always been conflicted on this. Do I let her be and let her decide or stop her from hurting herself and doing silly things? Jispa is always fighting for her independence. I don’t know. Should we, should we not.

Every time I think we should let go, Jasmine says, that last one year. Lets just get her across the finishing line and we are done then. Why let go of it now after 17 years. Ya. It a valid argument. Our investment in her future is significant from an emotional standpoint. Surely she can handle one more year of us.

Her 18^th birthday is coming up this August. Man, after that its going to be a hell hole for us. Jispa is desperate to learn driving. I don’t know how good I will be as a teacher. How anxious I would be. Its going to fall on me to teach her. Jasmine will not be anywhere inclined to take up this task. This is going to be a severe test of my mental skills. The nest test is going to be equally fun. Would I give her the car to drive once I have taught her to? Oh boy oh boy. How is that going to happen? Which car would I give her? My bigger one or Jasmine’s smaller one. And how am I going to sit while Jasmine corrects her while she is driving.

Jasmine is a funny animal. She will be involved, want to be involved, itches to be involved but is so frustrated with Jispa that she will not teach her. Then little by little the pressure builds up and she uses a wrongly timed opportunity to speak up and then all hell breaks loose with Jispa. I predict this is going to happen in driving as well. It will be my job to teach and then suddenly once, Jasmine will start correcting Jispa and boom.

Not that Jasmine is wrong. Her observations are acute and very valid. Its her timing and delivery that is the issue most of the time. She will give it when she wants to and not when you ask for it. It’s a dark comedy that happens, which takes some maneuvering to either avoid or get out of.

Its so funny that when outside in you see, it looks like I am the aggressive one amongst the trio but as I have explained to Jispa many times, its Jasmine’s quiet aggression and doggedness that led Jispa to where she is right now, as far as her swimming, schedules, training and commitment goes. I would have slacked off way earlier if it were left to me.

These are some of the funny contradictions that a family lives with. There are so many weird combinations and complications that are best left unravelled. Right now, we have my mom staying with us. She has been staying alone for years now after she threw out both her sons. We went and set up our lives separately while she lived on her own. Over a period of time we managed to blow hot blow cold in our relationships and now we have reached fair degree of comfort in how we dal with each other.

When she threatened to throw us out for the umpteenth time, I had decided that from now on I will not fight with her come what may. So, over the years, I never ever fought, no matter what she did. Same with Jasmine. We realised there was no point fighting. We carried on and focussed on our life.

We built our house, our lives, our principals on our own. Its been a great journey. Its nice that in times like this because of how we handled ourselves, we were able to move on and get her over to live with us. That’s important. It’s a hell to be alone and quarantined like thus. Its nice to have your family together in such circumstances.

Again – its easy for me to get along with my mom and let bygones be bygones. I am amazed how Jasmine is able to handle that as well. Some of the stuff that happened was not pleasant from both our perspectives. I think its an interesting example for the rest and for our lives.

I think it is never correct to be bitter about anything and to rather have an easy disposition. You just accept and move on. You learn that it may not be the best for you at this time and that its ok. There is no reason to burn any bridges and be any bitter about your experiences. I think my mom is realising this as I am as well.

The only credit I give myself as I remember the moment years ago, as I had decided to leave the house, I promised to myself – I will not fight with mom. This one held on for years and it has still borne fruit. How do I do it to the rest of the world. I envy people who just refuse to fight any one anywhere in their lives. Cool calm people. I hate you guys. You guys by your mere presence make me feel like shit.

Its ok. I bring energy and life and action to my everyday life. My mom is also happy that while she is staying with us she is happily entertained. There is never a dull moment. I am talking, doing, fighting, boxing with Jispa, making fun of Jasmine – something or the other. She can’t believe how unlike each other; her two sons are. Placid lake versus raging storm.

There so many opposites – so much reconciliation.

Equanimity

Jispa would rather die than show us her emotions. Her real emotions. For us everything is alm in her life and she is in a state of constant equanimity. Chill folks. All in under control.

At first I used to fall for it but now I think I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s just a façade. Designed to fool everyone around. Inside she would feel everything that a normal human being feels. She is quite a stable kid; I give her that credit for sure. she is not prone to extreme anger; except once when I took away her ear phones in the car and banned her music. She gave me the most violent reaction ever. I quickly retreated and gave it back. I want to punish her, but not take away what is core to her. I won’t forget that day in a hurry.

I also realized that since she likes her music so much, the least I can do is give her good earphones, and unlimited music. She has never ever asked me for anything. So when she asked me for a paid Spotify account, I was inclined to give her. I just made a deal with her that she has to pose for pics for Jasmine while in Denmark and the Spotify account is for her for life! I was giving her the account in any case, but a little wheeling dealing never harmed anyone, did it?

Next I bought her truly wireless earphones. I am sure Jasmine doesn’t approve but she lets me indulge Jispa a bit in all this. Again my only thing is that my kid never asks me for anything, so why should I not of my own accord give her stuff she appreciates but doesn’t ever ask. Even after giving her a surprise, she maintains a sense of equanimity. Cool. I am all cool in getting these nice in ear pods. No big thing.

Yesterday she went for her first date with her new boyfriend. Cool. It happened to be in a Starbucks next to my office. Since I was going to get done early, I picked her up after work. Now when you have a girl who acts cool, you have to be a father that acts cool as well. So I was like, hi – how was it? All cool eh? I didn’t ask her too many questions. I don’t think she would appreciate it.

In the evening, I just got a minute with her “Jispa – you went on your first date today. I hope it was cool. You know, I still remember my first date. It was with Jasmine and I remember how it was and which movie we saw. I remember being really excited and all.  It is something that stays with you. Savor it. And also – I know that you guys are different from what we were. I know it’s a less of a big deal amongst you guys, but I also know that core human emotions don’t change. So I know it’s exciting for you. Enjoy it”. I looked at her, smiled and saw her smile as well.

Of course she wasn’t going to admit to anything. Definitely parents don’t need to know storms underneath. I guess it’s better that way. My parents had no clue. My parents didn’t even know when my first date was. At least we know. At least we are cool about it. Big step forward. At least we know and accept that it’s a process and it’s not necessary that the first one is the only right one. I think we are cool as well.

Thanks to Jispa we too are learning to be stable about this whole process. We too are learning equanimity.

On another note – why am I paying my gym trainer 500 bucks a session to effectively kill me for 75 minutes. Why? This blog another day.

Stay relevant . fight

Reinventing yourself is so bloody important. Reinventing relationships are important. Reinventing your passions and your reasons to be are important. Nothing is constant as you grow older. Everything changes, the relationships and their interplay change over a period of time.

We need to keep evolving on everything and this can sometimes, many times cause stress. When Indians go abroad many a time they can be accused of being in a time capsule. They notions of India and Indianess is define by the time they left shores. They have been unable to move from their last notion of India.

Similarly, every time I wake, I start from where I left off yesterday. Parenting Jispa for one. It’s a question of constantly reinventing oneself. By merely having by birth the right to be a father is the stupidest thing that one can want. You have to earn it every day. This Saturday I was teaching about margins to my kids in college. What is margin and what constitutes margin. It is not as easy subject to grasp. People will constantly make the mistake of missing one component for another. When you look at the supply chain you will realize that margin compensates the component of the supply chain in line with its role, risk and reward. I was thinking in my head that while a lot of kids got it wrong, I would assume that a lot of these concepts Jispa would intuitively get right. Jispa probably doesn’t know what kind of dad she has. She probably underestimates the breadth of experience and wisdom I bring to the table.

These days while studying etc, she doesn’t need/ take my help. So yesterday I was talking to her while we were watching the swim races in the stands. We were waiting for her races. It was too much fun. This is the interschool races for the international schools. It was a national event. This gave Jispa a chance to directly enter the all school nationals through a much easier route. International schools are few and far in between in the country and most of them have very small classroom strengths and total over all student strengths. You can’t expect too much competition with these numbers. So while we were watching the races, I was enjoying the rank amateurs swimming in the nationals.

In in one race you will see national level medalists swimming alongside swimmers who haven’t ever been in 50-meter pool in their life, let alone swan at a stretch for than 20 meters. You can make out by the way they stand at the stand and their body structures. Young fit six pack athletes in their advanced costumes standing next to podgy fatted kids wearing their summer swimming costumes. I was dissing them for 10 minutes, in a very stand up way and laughing with Jispa at these kids. Yes, I was being very mean and very unfatherly. But these kids had no reason to be in this national competition.

I was also explaining to Jispa that once upon a time, I too was like this as a kid. I went for a swimming competition and almost drowned in the process. I had no business going for a race. Sometimes, we just force these kids into participation for a certificate that we participated at a national level race. But hell.

This is not the point of this story. What is the point of this blog? It is something totally different. Jispa and I were talking and we spoke about how till 7^th grade I was still largely involved in teaching her stuff. She said that now dad, you can’t even help me with anything on studies nah. I am way too advanced for you. AH… nopes kid. I am still a smart guy. I can help you with some of your studies. English and psychology for sure. and the mental aspect of sports science. Anything you do in the technical side, I am not that good. Bio, math etc – you are way ahead but in English and other similar stuff, I am still relevant and awesome. She was like – no you don’t know things like juxtaposition and stuff. We do analysis of vogue covers and stuff and you are not good for that. I had to tell her, not forcefully of course that I can still help you, but its your call.

Sunday evening at home she comes to me and shows me the explanation of the Vogue covers. She has to analyze them. She and her friend wrote a very superficial analysis of the covers. I explained to them that this was bad shit. I helped her understand core values of Vogue. Then who are on the cover – what is the intended effect of the celebs. What are the personality traits that the celebs lend onto the cover and the articles / themes of the cover? I explained how the Venn diagram of the vogue and the celeb intersection is what the cover is about. I basically took her analysis to a whole new level altogether.

At the end of this – I then told her – I am still relevant in your life kid. I am still relevant.

I have to fight every day. Struggle for being relevant in people’s lives. If you take your role for granted, then you are doomed. Fight every day and stay relevant. Else get consigned to the sides. Same for office, spouse, father, friendship, mentor – whatever shit you do. Stay relevant and keep changing.

anger

Anger. It’s such a crazy emotion. It gets you nowhere. I have never my anger ever help me with anything or in any situation. Yet I let it flow. With my level of thinking and self-awareness, how do I let this happen to myself? How do I let anger get the better of me?

We Doshi’s supposedly are hard wired to be an angry type. We have a lot of anger issues. It’s a stupid bloody emotion. Where does it come from? I have often wondered. Small things can get us to flare up. When I was much younger, I remember dad trying to calm me down and tell me to remain cool. My brother and I used to fight a lot. We were two years apart and like chalk and cheese. I don’t think we have any core values or behavior overlapping in a Venn diagram. So it was chaos growing up. There were hardly any instances where he would have my back and would take my side.

One of the things I think he would get really irritated with me was my anger. When we used to play cricket on the streets, there were always lots of disputes. Football is an easier sport than cricket. You don’t need a referee in street football. You simply get rid of the basic hindrances, such as bad tackling and there, you play the game. It is impossible to play cricket without an umpire, though.

First of all, there is the LBW rule. This is a crazy rule which is totally in control of an umpire who must decide if the ball was going to hit the stumps if it had not hit your leg. Oh freak. This was so contentious that we simply got rid of it most of the times in street cricket.  Then the ability to effect a run out, taking a clean catch, or simply did the ball travel in line with the make believe wickets on top of the three stones we put.

Needless to add, fights and arguments were common in street cricket, as invariably the umpire was a highly biased person from the batting side. The funny bits would come if the umpire would be biased against his own side, giving a batsman out just so that he gets his batting earlier. This was the funniest ever. I learnt to get into fights and argue with the players, umpires and team mates. It was all par for the course. Keep arguing and fighting. Everyone did it. One would get might angry doing it. I think I stopped till one day my brother had enough of me. He pulled me one side and asked me “is there a trophy or cup for this game that you will get? Why are you arguing?” I remember that moment till this date. Why fight on these matters.

My brother and I fought on other matters that had significant importance. So significant that I don’t remember them at all. But we fought. Like cats and dogs. It would end bitterly, especially as I was the angry one and he was stronger. Dad would have to get involved numerous times. According to me, I had a sense of right and wrong. I would hate being wronged. Many a times Dad would calm me down.

I would hate that. I wanted justice not calming down. Today I see his wisdom.  Dad too had a temper that I know he spent a long time controlling. He also told me the same thing that I say today. Anger never helped anyone.

I hate myself these days. Really really do hate myself. I get angry and it hurts me. I can get angry at people in office doing stupid things and it can erupt. I can get angry at my family and it can erupt. But I try and bring it down and refuse to fight so many times. But I don’t know what effect it might have on me and my health. Is keeping it suppressed the right answer or reaching an impossible nirvana stage where one doesn’t get angry at all, the right answer.

Some of my friends wonder how calm I am. That makes me laugh. I am not calm at all. Over years I have learnt not to let so many things affect me. Most of the time it’s a simple question – is there a trophy in this for me? If not – no worries.

The problem is when there is a trophy. At home and at work. Work is easy. You have to perform or you risk getting out. At home – passions run deep. I think I am done with anger. Jispa and Jasmine do stupid things to get into each other’s hair and I get caught in the cross fire. I think I have a resolution to make here. At least I want to… Not to interfere or do anything that causes a dissonance with my own core values. This is just too much to bear. It’s like a millstone that weighs me down.

But this is the classical Keynes versus Hayek dilemma in economics. Should you interfere or should you let the free hand of the market work for you as over the long term equilibrium will be found. The problem is of time. Equilibrium is good for greater good as a society, as a life of a society is measured in centuries. Our selfish lives are much shorter.

My dad died at age 58, I am 44. What should I live for? It’s a fun question. Jispa is 17. We have her for two years more. Just 2. Then she goes. What do we do with her now? I am of the view that we must now cut her bindings that tie her home. It is now her thing what she wants to do or not. Why should we keep her chained to us? My job now is limited to trying to get a few thigs that sound to both and to pay for her basic studies. What else? I don’t want to interfere in her swimming, sport, studies and what not.

I am coming to the conclusion that it does not matter to me now. I cannot influence it and more importantly, I shouldn’t. When I was 17 I did not need any parental overhang. Why do I give it now? This is serious. It potentially will create more conflict in the short run but I think Hayek may prevail in the long. Things will settle down to an equilibrium. An equilibrium that is sustainable and happy to all, or at least ‘least unhappy’ to all.

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I seem to be writing very morose and depressed things these days. Arrgh. I don’t like this side of me. It can’t sustain for long. Not in my head. Let’s talk on some positive things.

Jispa managed to push us to get her enrolled for the Otter’s Club swim program. The coach is an Indian swim champion who just retired. So he is young and hip. Plus he seems to be having modern techniques. That makes it great for Jispa. She also swims with good swimmers and champions. That’s great company for her. Jispa really pushed for 6 months for this. I am glad it happened for her.

I am not sure if it will make her a great swimmer but I am sure it was help her become a good coach. I think she has in it to become a brilliant coach. She has a skillset for it.

Next – I love board games. Finally in my life, I have the money to buy them, a house big enough to play them and time to get friends over who enjoy them. I love board games. It is the one joy in my life that right now with a non-working knee, I enjoy. So we are playing games, like Guillotine, Catan, Secret Hitler etc. I am enjoying it like crazy. I want to get every opportunity to get friends over and play all night long. I want to buy more games. I want a cupboard full of them.

I love coffee but I cant have too much. I get caffeine addiction. So bought myself decaf! Awesomeness knows no bounds.

 bonus video from an amazing movie - inside out. its brilliant and based on what we understand of the human brain.

diligence and dedication

What is it to be a dad? I don’t know but being one does teach you a lot of things. Having patience for one. It can be extremely rewarding and frustrating at the same time and to live with these ups and downs is a part and parcel of being a dad. It compounds with the fact that parenting is a moving target as your child grows up every day. They respond differently and more importantly I as a parent, need to think differently. I have to approach each situation differently, every time it repeats or every new day.

It’s not an easy things and it’s not that it comes naturally. In fact the natural behavior would be to deteriorate your response with the frustration of repetition. At this point, I have to control my instincts and think deeper and reach for resilience from within. I am sure Jispa too needs serious resilience from within to deal with her parents as well. And this will only get tested again and again when she grows up and is independent and doesn’t require us for her growth or wellbeing.

Today morning as I was dropping Jispa to swimming for her morning swim and I reailsed that she had forgotten her flipper bag. Again. Oh dear. There was no point in scolding her or anything. She told me that she will simply borrow a fellow swimmers bag and continue. As I left her and went back home I couldn’t help thinking – Jispa reached her national glory thanks to Jasmine doggedness. We put her in swimming and then the program took over. Jasmine found her calling in Jispa’s program and supported her. We drove her to every swim meet, we sat in the background and fed her, we got her ready for school and dropped her, we cooked her special food and basically ferried her every where and got her to stick to her swimming program.

Left to her own, I don’t think the kid would have done it. Today as we have relaxed our oversight into her program she has slipped and how. She doesn’t train as hard, she bunks at will and we realize - she is not destined for pushing herself to achieve greatness. She is a good person. A nice toughish kind of kid but she is not the natural born self-motivated sportsperson who can continually achieve greatness by virtue of relentless unsupervised practice. She is not eklavya who can make a statue of her teacher and practice away. In Many ways she reminds me of me.

I think my dad would have said that I have never fulfilled my potential as a kid growing up. In sports or in studies. Procrastination was my thing and diligence was never it. It’s only when I grew up in life and when life kicked me in the backside that I realized the value of diligence and dedication. Anything that does not have it will not get achieved. And never to your satisfaction. I think Jispa achieved what she did in swimming was because Jasmine showed these two things in helping Jispa grow with the program. My job was diligence and dedication to Jasmine’s cause. It wasn’t my thing. Even today I tell Jispa, its ok, relax, live your life, have a childhood, and don’t bother training so hard now.

Jispa will grow up and understand these things. She is better than most other kids. I am sure. She can still manager her swimming and her studies and the simple fact that she continued to swim all these years, makes me convinced that she has it in her to grow. I am not criticizing her but making the difference between kids who are good (damn good) and kids who are great. Look at the current Indian captain. After breaking into the cricket team and the big league did her realize that he has to work even harder and train like crazy if he has to break into the all-time great lists. He was a chubby child and now he is a pinnacle of fitness and hard work. I was a lazy worker and now I put in 12 hours a day trying to get things done. It takes time to grow into what you want to do in life and when you get it, then you can go for it.

I am sure Jispa will be a great coach or a good teacher or an awesome worker. She should do well. She has a lovely disposition that she got from her mother, an understated ambition (mother again) and an ability to explain her thoughts (now that’s me). This is her and I am quite proud of her. She is a far better kid than I was at her age.

Just a few days ago we had this conversation on which subjects to choose and which to drop. I told her to screw career and follow what you love. Finally she chose basis the best teachers she would get. That’s a smart choice. All subjects are good. It’s the teacher who makes us love a subject. Now she chose physics on the basis of the teacher and immediately she loves it. That’s a great choice kid. Connect to people and you will always be rewarded. Pick people you love and work with them. Then it’s always easier to handle every issue that comes your way.

to err is parent

Life is all about ups and downs. There is no linearity in life. Some days you feel good and some days you feel down. Experience is nothing but knowing this and enjoying when you are up and not worrying too much when you are down. WE try and smoothen the curve by being less exuberant when we are on top. We try and save some money for the rainy day. We try and keep a little joy aside and try and share it with others who might be facing a down side. That is life.

When I was younger, much younger, I was told to save money for a rainy day. Rather I was told and fed into the brain that I must save. I will never forget that one day on my honeymoon, when Jasmine and I were walking from our hotel in Gwaldam to a Buddhist monastery nearby. We were walking and discussing our finances. My salary was not more than 10 thousand a month and we were planning what our expenses would be. It was 6 thousand to mm for running expenses and around 2 thousand a month for our expenses such as restaurants, roaming around etc and we had planned to save another 2 thousand for a rainy day – savings amounting to 24 thousand a year. I really thought that was a good number at the time.

What I did not realize that my salary and life would turn and turn again and I would find that number abysmally small. The salary itself would go up so much that you don’t really need to save money at the start of your career. So looking back, possibly I should have taken that money and blown it up on fun things and more vacations and a lot of other things that young couples would spend on. Possibly a few more dinners. At the start of one’s career, it is almost futile to save money. I see no point in it the amount being saved.

But the question is not on the amount but on the habit and principle of it. One must save as a matter of good governance. Otherwise one gets used to spending and then that is the end of it all. I think that 2 thousand a month was important as a beacon and not as amount in itself. It set the tone for us as a family that looked to save money from the money it made every month. It set eth tone for Jasmine and me that we will not go beyond our means and save whatever small amount we possibly could.

For any youngster that is starting off – a simple advice – enjoy life after setting aside a small amount – pre defined – in the equity market, either as direct investment in stocks or as a mutual fund investment.  That’s it – rest must be used to live life to the fullest. When any young kid asks me for investment advice, I first tell them to blow money on their passions. Travel, read, meet people, do a lot of fun things and try and achieve your objectives in life. You can only do that when you are younger. When age burdens you with responsibilities, so many things go off the window. I would think a 100 times today before jumping off a cliff in a hang glider today. I would have gladly done it as a 25 year old.

Youth must be enjoyed to the best of its ability. Money will follow. As you grow older, the simple principle is to not let your life expand at the same pace as your salary. This way you enjoy but you save an incremental percentage of your growth. That is the best way to look at life and money, and still live your life.

These days I am in a different zone as a parent. Many years ago the book I read on parenting told me the one rule that I won’t forget ‘permit where you can, protect where you must’. As Jispa is 15, I more than ever keep it in my head. I am trying my best to let go and stop being too protective about her. I keep having conversations with Jasmine on this. Jasmine and I often talk on how much we must allow her. Suppose there is a sleep over at a friend’s place from school – is this allowed? I understand where Jasmine is coming from. We don’t know the person properly and their family and hence must we send. Will this become a precedent? Will this be used again and again? I don’t know. Honestly, I tell her that ‘I don’t disagree with you’. Yes Jasmine is right but also Jispa is 15 now and she must learn to be away and make decisions for herself. She has to now take charge of her life. I keep telling that at 15 my parents had no clue what I was doing in life. I was on my own. What jasmine also reminded me was that I was always regretted that my parents did not push me right. All they did was give me lectures on studying but did not really create or manage my schedule that made me study. So in that respect Jasmine is right. We must push Jispa now. This is not the time to let go of the accelerator. After 15 years of hard work, this is not the time to give up.

But at the same time she needs an advocate on her side as well. So I guess that is my job. I at heart agree with jasmine but I fight myself and try and fight for freedom from Jispa’s side as well. That is important in the family. Now at this age we need to push the bar on what we allow. We have to let her free but slowly cut the umbilical cord. This is delicate procedure where you don’t know which side to err on. Safety first or freedom first. Sigh. Parenting is a tough job. Best of luck to you all.

buckets everywhere

Blogging is so important for your soul. Soul? Yup. It’s so important for my soul. It saved me yesterday.

Ten years ago things got bad and I had to leave home and set up my own home away. One of the things I managed to do is never ever fight with mom ever. We had our periods of talking or not talking, but I never did fight with her. I knew she is my mom and at the end of it she does care for me and she finally made me what I am.

When we were growing up shifting from Dubai to India was an episode I would have loved to forget. From plenty to nothingness. Then more crap happened as we moved here. My dad got his first massive heart attack and that was a tough blow for the family. Yes we had savings but it also meant that he would never be able to do his core job, that is as a civil engineer, walking up and down building steps as it is being constructed. We moved to our new home that they planned and we started to build our lives.

I remember having a lot of foreign things in the house as we transferred a lot from Dubai to India in the government scheme called TR (Transfer of Residence). This meant that we had a lot of stuff, but it also meant that all this quickly dwindled away. Mom started a nursery to keep the income going. We were never poor or disadvantaged at any point but it meant that we saw a contrast that as a kid I hated to see. I remember asking many things from my parents and a lot of the time, wasteful expense was not encouraged. So I guess, I heard more no’s that yes. As a kid I dint like it but I have blogged about this, that I now understand it and I bear no ill will towards my parents. I think given the circumstances that’s the best they could afford and that’s the best we could do. My blog helped me clearly explain this out for myself in my head.

On Saturday I was alone at home and I thought I could spend some time with mom. I called her and told her that I was coming home to dinner. I just wanted to spend time with her, chill around. So I spent the evening with mom. Later in the evening she told me that she wanted to buy me something for my new home which we were renovating. Ya mom, but I don’t need anything. Luckily I am earning enough and it’s not needed. Mom still insisted and she gave me a cheque. This was not the thing. She said something that in some ways just touched my heart. She said that when she had us kids growing up, we would ask for a lot of things and it would break her heart to say no to so many things. We couldn’t really afford it and hence she would be forced to say no. She said she hated doing that but had no choice. Now she has money and she wants me to buy things that I want. Hence take the money.

Oh dear dear me. It killed me. Ya. As a kid I was mindful of the fact that we had less money but also I think as a kid I asked for things. I know and thanks to the blog, I know for sure in my mind that I was aware of it and that I don’t hold that against anyone. I grew up. This blog yesterday saved my soul from being burnt with guilt.

Closer home to the present. We are building our home and we are going broke. Our complete cash flow is being compromised as we go over budget. But it’s our home and we are aware. Thanks to some circumstances we haven’t had a big holiday and we haven’t had a chance to go abroad as a family. Now with the house coming in and screwing our finances, it not happening soon either. So this time when my friend was taking kids to a diving trip to the Philippines, my first reaction was to say no. We can’t afford it – a straight 1.5L poof, gone, for one person. That was not happening. But Jasmine told me – its ok dad. Where we send her anywhere. We can’t go but at least she can. It’s not that we can’t manage. I was agreeing but I did not want to screw the finances. I would have had to sell my shares (hard assets) for this. Jasmine still said ‘for what do we have all this’. If at this age she cant go then when will she go? Every time something or the other comes up. I agree. It does. One HUGE regret, we didn’t go to Hong Kong Disney when she was the age for it. I still find myself a failure as I couldn’t take my kid to DIsneyLand. I always wanted to do it. I had the money at the time but the outlook was bleak and we postponed it and it then never happened.

So I agreed. Jasmine was right. She IS right. My sweet mom, is right trying to do amends. I can do it right away. Ya its big but it’s not that I can’t afford. It can be made up and we can manage. Jasmine and me discussed that at this stage, we are older and we can choose not to go diving. Instead of all of us going, let Jispa go thrice, its better bang for buck. Ya. I wanted to do scuba, sky diving, bungee jumping and other stuff. But I am not worried. I think I will manage to do it. I went to the silicon valley and met all the tech companies – that was one off the bucket list. The others will come. But at least a 15 year old can tick one for herself now. That’s a great age to develop passion and experiences. Not 42. The next age I think is 54. That should be fun.

I told my mom yesterday – mom, your kids are cool. They work hard and they enjoy their lives and they have money. Take all your money and live however you want to. Don’t leave a penny for us. Not a penny. So while she also told us no while we were kids, I also know, they told themselves no for so many things. Who are we to judge our parents or anyone in history.

History – today I did a long cherished dream. I was a tour guide to Elephanta. A couple of our friends came in from Canada. Two old women who are absolutely amazing. I took them there and showed them the caves and helped them understand a lot of Mumbai, India and the caves. This is my third visit to the caves and I loved it. I reread the book and now I am able to interpret it completely from my eyes and my angles. History is about interpretation and so is mythology. I see the caves very differently from how the others would. For me, it’s my own version of the story and the architecture. It what I want out of it and how I am able to share my vision with others. Wow. I was so thrilled. I took a laser pointer and took my friends to the caves. Soon enough, a guide came up to me and asked me if I needed a guide. NO. I am good. But they insisted. They said, they were ASI certified guides and only they could show the monument, not me. Yes – I understand you. But I am not a guide. I am friend. I am not charging any money and I am not soliciting any tourists inside the monument. How can you stop me? I am a banker and not a guide, you don’t see my face every day and please, there is no law against what I am doing. I was disturbed three to four times. I think not many understand that normal everyday people can also have a reservoir of knowledge and want to freely pass them on. Jokers. I had quite a few arguments and I was pissed. While leaving, they again confronted me and told me that it’s not right. I again stood my ground. There is no law on this. These are my friends and I can show them around, without you. Arggghhh. This was irritating. The guards were very reasonable. They came and asked me – are these your friends, then there is no issue. You can do it, it not against any rules. We left the place, but it was super fun. I loved it and I realized that I could explain this temple without a book and with ease and build a credible, or should I say incredible story around it. I am going to retire and be an official storyteller. The name of my company is going to be  - ‘Through My Eyes’. I hope to retire rich enough to start this passion where, we take super care of all the tourists and have a free model with an ability for the tourist to pay whatever he wants at the end of it. No questions asked. I don’t mind a small box at the end where I don’t even know, who paid how much, so people pay for value and not for show.

Then I took them to St Thomas Cathedral and in and around the Fort area. I loved the 8 hours I spent with them. It was beautiful. I told them, don’t thank me – my wife would tell you – I need to thank you for allowing me to do this. To be mistaken for a tour guide in Elephanta - One more off the bucket list!

jesting matters

Jasmine was called to school the other day as Jispa was feeling quite unwell. She had cramps in the stomach and it was paining quite a bit. When the Jasmine rushed to school, the sister first thought it was a case of an anxiety attack. An anxiety attack? For what joy? The physics exam was scheduled and possibly that was a trigger. Jasmine told the sister that is seriously unlikely and Jispa is not like that. Of course it was something else that we got treated with the doctor. But I don’t let Jispa hear the end of it. I keep asking her just to irritate her on how her anxiety attack is doing. Hehehe. Evil father.

Yetserday while going to school, we were talking. She was talking about how some of the kids in the class actually get an anxiety attack before exams and they get all stressed about exams. I had her about how she felt. “No I don’t feel stresses before an exam because you taught me not to. You always told me not to worry before an exam. Whatever will be will be”. Yes I did teach her that.

I was telling her that when I was her age and before and after, the only thing that my parents knew was that education was the ticket to prosperity. In many ways they were right. That era did not have so many options that you can pursue without necessarily being highly educated. Her class is full of kids of parents who have achieved a lot or are ambitious. Me – I am not too ambitious. I am aggressive but not that ambitious. Yes I want you do well, and I want to do well myself, but only as so much as to put a decent meal on the table and to enjoy the simple happy life. I don’t see myself as ambitious as the others in office. I don’t want my ambition to be Jispa’s ambition.

Ambition was something that I had when I was in college and when I was doing my MBA. I then realized (when I don’t know) that ambition takes a huge toll on people and the family around it. It nice to be ambitious but all ambition comes with consequences. Who pays for these consequences is a million dollar question. You pay for sure, but your family and your peers also pay for it. Happiness comes from making life smaller not bigger.

Of all the things, I want for Jispa is for her time with us to be happy. I want her to think of her growing up as more fun than anything else. Yes, it should be full of learning but not be burdened by it. I grew up with the pressure of exams and it stayed with me till late. I didn’t want that for her. There will be enough and more things to be stressed about, of all things exams shouldn’t be. Right now she is still a bit carefree about exams as she doesn’t hold the pressure of expectations as much. But later on when she puts a lot into her studies with the burden of her own expectations then it would be a different ball game all together, that’s when the penny drops or the cookie crumbles? It should be fun to see.

No I don’t want her to be so stressed about it at all. I want her to enjoy her life. She should be able to follow her heart and take risks in life. She should be able to tell her boss to take a hike and she should be able to take off and see the world.

I keep telling her that life is a series of experiences that one needs to have to complete. The more varied the better. Right now, Jasmine and me are tempted to get into another long term investment commitment. But I am done! NO. I want to now spend the next 4 years with the ability to get Jispa to try and try different things, explore new places and enjoy life. In any case, at 42, I don’t have the same desire for adventure that I had at 22. I would die to jump out of a plane in a parachute. It’s nice, but not on the top of my list for now.  So I also realize that right now what I have as desires will be different from when I what I will have ten years from now.

So for the first time, I am keeping my immediate priorities over the longer term ones. It’s interesting to grow older and see for yourself how your own priorities have changed or are in the process of changing.

On another completely different note: today I had the pleasure of watching / reading two pieces of journalism. One was a straight piece from a journalist who interviewed my previous boss and completely exposed his ideas. It was serious stuff. In the startup industry when everybody is going into a gold rush and refusing to look at data that is staring them in the face, it takes someone to get up and call the bluff, tell that the emperor is naked. Startups are great at innovation and trying new things but that does not automatically mean they are successful. In fact a lot of them are going to die. They will not survive because mere disruption is not the recipe for success. Success requires a lot of other things, the ability to manage people, the environment, the ability to adapt at various points of time and good old bull headedness. My previous boss was a good sales guy but at some time he over reached and things got weird. Someday, much later I will write about my experience. There are important reasons why I must not open my mouth now. Firstly – right now I am likely to be more critical than what is warranted and secondly the ability for time to give me perspective. Things were in a haze, they move fast in a startup. You end up with a lot of emotions when you refuse to see the writing on the wall and before you know it, things have moved under your feet. Secondly – time also gives you wisdom. It helps you see things in a better perspective. My last job wasn’t bad at all. It’s only towards the end things got weird. If you want bad jobs, the first one that I ever did was bad. And that too after twenty years I look on with sanguine eyes. I don’t blame anyone and it was in many ways a great learning experience.

Coming back – the piece was interesting and insightful. Not to me – I knew the whole story but to a lay reader I would imagine it to be very interesting. The journo got her facts right as well as her research and balance. It was for the first time, and after a long time an article that was worth reading. Normally I see journos just write whatever the spokesperson blurts out and reports it verbatim. It’s stupid and I stopped reading the papers thanks to these jokers. But this piece was especially well written. Good journalism is to tell the emperor that he naked and that he has no clothes on. This one exposed all the stupid venture capital guys who invest on a slide deck that loks pretty and has little logic. Some basic assumptions go out for a toss and things go horribly wrong, horribly. The debris from the hubris will be paid for in the form of broken careers and human costs.  But then that doesn’t go on balance sheets, does it?

The other way to tell the emperor is to use the court jester. Here you can joke away and sing a song but still criticize the ruler in way that no one can take offence. Right now an actress Kangana Ranaut is staying in the news by carrying the flag of women independence and taking a stand against nepotism. This wouldn’t work for long in Bollywood. Slowly but surely, the doors will close in on her as she gets isolated. I have argued for nepotism as a commercial call in Bollywood. Nepotism exists as it commercially viable, but that is a story for another day. But for now, she is seen in this video which takes massive potshots at the male star culture, nepotism and the never aging male hero who romances women 30 years younger! Without my comment on the same topic, here, look at the video – worth watching

Of course this chick is very smart. She knows how to stay in the news before her movie. But it’s still an awesome watch! And it has a valid role in a society.. a very valid and important role!

Silver

After all these years of crazy schedules, hard work and complete madness, now I am satisfied. Done. I am now a tired parent. This thing has taken a huge toll on me and I am sure it has taken a massive one on Jasmine, as well. We have worked our lives around a hope and in the end, we have something really big to show for it.

The year also has been nasty for Jispa. She has been unwell, muscle injury and exhaustion to cope with. She runs on two fronts – school and swimming simultaneously. She aims to achieve greatness in both. This year she faltered for no real fault of hers but in the end, she finished strong. After a strong showing at the Mumbai selection meets, we were superbly satisfied and honestly, I could expect no more. Then she finished strong at the state selection meet where she had a bagful of medals. This was too much for me, personally. It was more than what I dreamt of or even aspired for. Now at the just concluded Nationals, Jispa comes back with a Silver which she won as a part of a medley relay team. Wow. A national medal! In an age group that spans three years and she is the youngest. That was some achievement.

Jispa is not a naturally gifted swimmer or a naturally gifted athlete. It’s tough for her. It’s not like we threw her into the pool and she started winning. Winning has been a tough one for her. She has seen so many years of participation without real glory. This is her second nationals in so many years. She would qualify for state and then not win. There are far too many talented girls in swimming and it’s tough when you are not naturally gifted.

We kept the swimming schedule on hope. And her wish. She wanted to continue with her swimming and we hoped that it won’t be cruel to her. Jispa is fit and strong but like me, something is wrong with her overall well-being. As a child, I was so sickly and thin and a complete mess at excelling at sports. I was fit and ran but never the naturally talented guy who could just show up and win. That honor belongs to my brother. I have had to struggle to get anywhere in my life I stood on my own thanks to the grit that I developed in myself. Jispa is also similar. She is not the naturally talented at math or swim or English. She has an ability to think and think through very smartly but that does not automatically mean winning. She also has been notoriously difficult to coach from childhood. She is improving but it’s not that she has to think it and her body follows. Her body over compensates and does its own thing. I sure even her coaches get confused how to treat her. Immense potential thanks to perseverance and hard work but not a natural athlete. Sometimes I think what if she had pursued a sport like badminton or something where you have to not only show technique and skill but you also have to out think the competition. How would that have been. That should be fun.

Right now, that medal around her neck is so much a reflection of Jasmine’s and Jispa’s dedication and doggedness than anything else. How did they do it? When I look at my role, I see that as a minor support and major starter. Starter in the sense that I insisted on sport being a part of her growing up and then always looked to be a part of it. Supporting it in the way that I would get up early to take her and then always be ready to help at all times. But after that, I hardly did much. Most the heavy lifting came from Jasmine. Waking up, cooking, ferrying, talking, discussing, maintaining timings, everything – that was Jasmine. I hardly did anything there. It’s not possible to be a sports kid without having a sports parent with you. One who does all the support and the other who simply lends a small helping hand.

I wonder where Jispa gets all that dedication from. That is another absolute mystery. When you know, there are kids who are far more talented than you and built for water, where do you get that resolve to keep attacking from. How does Jispa do it and do it willingly. She has a quiet ambition in her, a quiet aggression in her, a silent way to keep at it. I am amazed at this quality of hers. I would have given up long time back. So many of her swimmers gave up long time back and so many just couldn’t balance the school and swim together. That in itself is a sign of greatness. This sheer doggedness and ability to push yourself is awe inspiring. If I had half of that while I was growing up, I would have been in a different orbit. I wish I had half of that even now, I guess.

So, this the tale of me being very happy and satisfied. A NATIONAL LEVEL MEDAL. Jispa is a national medalist. I want to frame that medal and hang it on the wall. I asked her if she would be embarrassed by it. (Yes she would be) But then now that I think it, I think I should make a large frame and put a few more medals and keep a big monument to swimming on one side of the wall in the hall. That would be something. Jispa will die of embarrassment. That itself would be worth half the effort.

I find this opposites in her quite interesting. Very high on aggression but at loathe to show it. Very high on perseverance but a very relaxed ‘let it be’ attitude. An ability to get a bit tensed but still maintain her balance. She is not one way or the other. Small small opposites reconcile in her. Loving but only so. Caring but only so. Friendly, but only so. I wonder if she is an introvert or an extrovert. She mixes it up so much. Of course, as parents it drives us up all the walls in the house, but it will be an interesting and endearing quality of hers as she grows up. Her partner is going to go bonkers for sure, but it will serve her well. I sense that she may even have good leadership qualities when pushed to it. The quiet level 5 leadership that is so elusive, but she will need to hone it. Professional determination and personal humility. She exhibits this in her life for now and in what she has achieved. If she continues this as a means of living her life, then she has a chance to end strong. I don’t have this combination in a way that it could be, but Jispa has some tremendous appetite for it. It’s too early and leadership traits as well as decision making traits are difficult to spot for now and they develop as they grow up. But for now – they are fine and I am happy with the signs they show.

Finally – I am a very very proud father today and a proud husband. It’s a biggie and an amazing accomplishment. We have a national level champion in the family. I am so happy. Thank you Jispa and Jasmine. Thanks a lot. It means a lot to me. A hell of a lot.

open the mind

Another weekend and another bunch of movies seen.

When you have a national level swimmer in the house, parenting becomes a little difficult.  You Want her to do well but you also don’t want too much pressure while she does well. For many years at home we never did have a TV and when we did, we sure as well never had the cable TV connection. TV never did make anyone smart. Now we have the chromecast and we watch some sporting action like a few IPL matches, some international cricket matches and we are waiting till we get through to the kabaddi season. That would be fun. Now that Jispa has figured how to download, we watch a few movies as well.

I see how the TV on demand and the mobile phone is spoiling our habits at home. Before we had time so, we went out, read books, magazines, slept, talked etc. But now, the mobile is eating away so much of time of the family. I absolutely positively hate it. Mobile for me evolved as medium for office work. Hence most of the time when I am at home, I keep the mobile away. In the middle I found myself addicted to FB. Now I kept the icon out of the home screen and hence I hardly have anything to do on the phone. Games as well are completely boring for me. So, my mobile usage is limited to browsing Instagram at times, window shopping at other times and checking on my FB feed when I post something. Since I post quite infrequently, that too is not an issue. I understand that tech is important to be given to these kids but a mobile phone is too much of a risk. We have given her a mobile phone and now an always on data connection but we are always vary of how she uses it and more importantly HOW MUCH she uses it. At first she went crazy and we lost her while walking, while in the car, while on the bed, while eating… but we have successfully pulled her back.

I had a chat with her. I had to explain that yes, while I understand that she uses the mobile often and it quite a necessity, but it’s a complete waste of your time while you are on vacation. Right now, she is training for the Nationals. He priority is swimming, eating, resting, reading and watching movies. Things that she can’t do the rest of the year. Watch movies as much as you want and read. Keep the mobile off limits, don’t respond, don’t check your whatsapp, keep the notifications off.

After a nice conversation, things seemed to have turned. Also, while chatting with her I got her interested in a few books that I thought might be interesting to her. I used the right words in pitching the book. I told her these books are highly seditious literature. Seditious. What does that mean. Look it up, I said. Sedition: conduct or speech inciting people to rebel against the authority of a state or monarch. That’s all our young rebel needed to get interested.

I see a streak of rebellion n her. I think she is an independent minded individual who is prone to thinking differently and takes pride in being different. Some of it can be blamed on us and me in particular, but I think this is a lot of what she is possibly from inside of her. She has a rebellious streak in her. And unlike me, she isn’t that overtly aggressive. She has a very pleasant nature and an ability far beyond her age to see reason and at times – the futility of an argument. But yes – a very interesting rebellious nature and a healthy disregard for authority, or let’s say, not blindly subservient, while remaining within the boundaries of law. But whatever, I did play on this nature a bit and got her interested in books that question the current state of governance as we see it. It helped that the first of such books was a book called ‘Curfewed Nights’ by Bashrat Peer. Thanks to Jispa learning about Hamlet, we saw the brilliant Indian Bollywood version of the same called, Haider. This was co-written by Bashrat Peer and a lot of his experiences while growing in Kashmir were shown in the movie. It is quite a lovely book and an excellent insight in to the mind space of a Kashmiri growing up under the rule of the gun. After the insurgency in Kashmir, the armed forces have dominated the space and to grow up in your own land and be constantly under the threat of a gun (from both sides) can be quite a bit of a stress filled childhood. The book is an excellent read for a young kid growing up to an understanding of the nation state and the resultant tensions that are in built in it. It is an interesting perspective. Nest I gave her ‘Hello Bastar’, which talks about the rise of the Naxalite movement in Bastar. Another book, where the people feel let down and dominated by the ruling nation state and where the people feel like subjects and not citizens. It is only recently that I realized the difference between the concept of the subjects of the nation and the citizens of the nation. The third in the line of books that she read in the miniseries is Gilani’s ‘My days in Prison’. This editor of a Kashmiri newspaper was falsely incarcerated in prison for a year or so, and the book recounts his case and his experiences bordering from the comical to the incredulous. The fourth in the series which she picked up but was unable to close read as it was a little boring for her was – “Until my freedom has come: the new Intifada in Kashmir.”

In the last 15 odd years, I have read like crazy and I have preserved all the books in only one hope; Jispa will read it. There is also the thing that some day I might refer to them again, but the real big reason is simply for Jispa to read it. My hypothesis is simply that if I surround Jispa with books at arm’s length, and good books, then she would have read enough to expand her horizon at a younger age. Compared to her, at her age I was a dumb piece of shit. I started reading only about 14 years ago, and she is 14 now.

But however – I am so happy that she is reading these books. That she is expanding her horizon and that she is understanding and appreciating these books. Many people have asked me that when you read so much how do you remember? It’s just not possible to remember so much, or is it? Nopes. It’s not possible to remember so much. In fact, for me, even if I remember one small thing from every book I read, however small, just one itsy bitsy thing, then I think I have done well. I have forgotten the names of the books I have read and in many cases, I have forgotten the contents of the books. But that is not the reason you read books. In the long run, I have realized that the most important by product of reading a variety of books, especially by good thinkers, is that you get to learn a new, better, smarter way to think. You are not easily influenced by arguments but have understood that there is duality of opinion and interpretation of truth. You realize that as times change, beliefs change, people change we are influenced by many factors that beyond us. This simple understanding of the world view helps us shape our thinking and that is more important than anything else. A shape change in the thought puts your brain into another orbit altogether and that is hard to measure when you are reading books. These changes come slowly but surely. They seep into the crevices of your cranium, helping you structure thought and conversation. This is the invaluable effect of reading tons of books and meeting tons of people. I am so happy that Jispa is now reading these books and not some shit fiction. I hate fiction. I understand that a person must read some fiction, fiction that is beautifully written. But to read mostly fiction and that too pop fiction is disastrous. This way you not read useless stuff, but you also waste the time to talk interact, learn and shape thought and behavior.

Possibly I am doing the wrong thing. Fiction is also by itself lovely for people who love it. It gives meaning to them. But I can’t help it. I see it as utter total crap, and I can only teach what I believe in. this is what I believe in. So Jispa – I am really sorry. I don’t know what I have possibly done. Have I treated you wrongly and possibly guided you in a direction that wasn’t your own to discover. I really don’t know. All I know is what I know. I know what gave me joy and what gave me happiness. Not knowing a God gave me happiness, reading non fiction gave me happiness, playing sports gave me happiness, spending time with family gave me happiness, hugging my loved ones gave me happiness. I think fatherhood is all about transferring my source of happiness to you. I also realise that it’s about allowing you to find your own happiness. I have been accused in the past of being over bearing, being too big a personality for your own good. While I have always protested that I have given you freedom, I also realise that as a personality I might have been far too big for your own good. I guess it cuts both ways. You also get the benefit of all that I know but you probably miss out on discovering your world on your own for now. Possibly this will last till you are 18. Then possibly you are on your own. Possibly and hopefully you wont need my personality or lean on me.

This blog is to serve that purpose itself. To allow you to lean on my thoughts at your own pace. Read it when you want, sit behind and reflect, think through. Possibly you will have kids nad you will have choices to make yourself. Possibly you will have bad bosses and you will have to face some music when you don’t want to. Possibly you want to read stuff and understand stuff, more than what you already know. There are a lot of possibilities on what you may want to do. These  blogs are a way of me being there for you at the pace you want me to.

With a family history of heart trouble, my mortality is not lost on me. I am well aware of this. A good insurance cover, a gymkhana membership, a home and a blog. I am content that if death stares me in the face, I would have done most of what I could have done to ensure that you and Jasmine are good for period in which you can set up your own lives. This is important to me. This what I strived for all my life. Live enough to manage.

Now life is at an interesting stage. I have achieved a basic security that can set you guys up. I have just another 3 to 4 years before you are independent and I wonder what I will do and what Jasmine will do. Sit and do some gardening? Some investing? Some consulting?

It’s very important for life to have some purpose. Wake up in the morning have something purposeful to do. Right now – I am between jobs and I haven’t been busier. I am meeting people, packing my day, doing things, writing blogs (long ones), consulting for friends, advising and everything else. It’s been a hectic time out if it were. Having a purpose is so important.

In fact on the other side – having a purpose has become so important to me that even a game of badminton serves a purpose for me. A purpose to have no purpose. As my very dear friend Sonal Shah tells me – Jaimit – you need to relax that brain of yours. She is right. I need to.

But I cant. My brains work all the time. Even while sleeping. While eating, while playing. They are constantly trying to decipher, read, understand, make notes, store notes – everything.

Sometimes I feel this is just the thing that I want to pass onto to you – an ability to constantly learn from everywhere/ everything. But at the same time, this is what I don’t want to give you – a mind that’s never at ease. You should get your mom’s temperament, a sense of stability along with my analytical brain with all its chaos. This would be an amazing reconciliation of opposites.

There is a lot to learn from your mom, you know. I learnt so much. Of course when you grow up together there is an obvious lot of things that both learn from each other. The biggest thing I learnt from her is to give and to love every one. I used to call her Florence nightingale as she would go out of her way to help someone. I wondered if that was good and that she would be doing it my cost. But over the period of time I realized that defined who she is and then on – it started defining who I am. Funny nah. There is a lesson in here somewhere. What is the lesson? Sometimes you don’t need to spell it out completely. Life is full of stories and lessons are something you drive from them.

These blogs have a lot of lessons, but they are mine, not yours. You have to just listen to the stories and listen to the lessons I have learnt but the stories are clearly the more important part. Within the lessons, the important part is how a story affected me and drove home a lesson for me. The lesson by itself is always impossible to understand by simply listening to someone else. That’s why you can get morals from Aesop’s fables or Panchatantra stories but you can’t really get life lessons from there. These you get through a few hard knocks on the head. Then the stories suddenly will have a different meaning for you.

So that’s the reason to write this blog. The happy side effect is clarity of my own thought, and an ability to write which I think the blog has honed. It’s funny how meaning this blog has given me and how much joy. Writing this is time well spent. Reading it? I have no clue. That is something that you have to say after 20 years. Was this worth it? Did this have insights, did this have stories, did you get entertained, did you learn something, did it inspire you, was it useful as a pick me up? What I think, rather I hope, is that this blog someday should be like a Holy Book of sorts. With all its varied writing and time scale, you should be able to pick up any part of the blog at any time and read anything, in whatever mood you are in and find some thing – something that you are looking for or not. Its like soul food, and to the religious its like the book to find answers. When you are searching for something, you will see answers in everything, from the bizzare to the mundane. This blog can possibly be that. Everything you want it to be. Now that’s own grandiose reason to blog. What are you writing? I am writing my bible with all idiosyncrasies and my narcissisms and my observations. I am writing my bible.

Coming to which – since I haven’t ever taught you religion – I never found any use for it till I read a very interesting book – Connected by Nicholas Christakis. The book started really bad and I wondered if I could ever finish it. But I stuck around as it kept explaining what I thought to be obvious. The book at first was simply giving scientific evidence for something that was known to us all – th epower and the ways on how social networks function. One interesting point he made which was my “I told you so” moment was when he was explaining that in one study, female alcohol consumption made everyone’s alcohol consumption go up. This is something that I have always warned all my girlfriends against. I have argued that you must not drink with your husbands. Both of you must never drink together. And you guys must never ever have alcohol at home. Have simple rules like – never drink alone, never drink together with each other (if one drinks the other stays dry) and stuff like that. To my mind when women drink all hell breaks loose. No – not that I am a male chauvinist or a feminist – I am simply being a pragmatist who has seen things happen when women drink. The way society is structured is that women hold the seat of moral authority and restraint in our society. They stop excesses and they stop breakdown of values we want to hold dear. They hold us to our thoughts and our own restraints. We men hold the seat of power and at best we have whimsical restraints put on women. Hardly ever we have too many moral constraints. We tend to get away. With more women entering the workforce and taking the traditionally male seat, the women seat is getting vacant. No man will ever sit there for now and the emptiness has a danger of leading to anarchy. When women drink, men think its ok to drink more. If women drink, men think its ok to drink everywhere and often enough. They feel it’s completely ok. From there rises addiction and dependence, and from there rises trouble. I have been lucky, early enough Jasmine was this constraint and I never did end up drinking. Now I have seen enough trouble being caused by drinking and I shudder to even touch the bottle. Keeping drinks at home creates another catastrophe – now you signal that any day is good enough and any occasion and lack of thereof is good enough to stay and drink. And this is the signaling you do to your partner and more dangerously – you do to your child. I have told so many girlfriends of mine – drink as much as you like – but think a hundred times before you have booze at home. This is now crazy madness potential. You are now courting trouble that can snowball out of control. But finally now I have scientific study that says simply – “the Framingham social network reveals that drinking behavior clusters to three degrees of separation, as do smoking and obesity. But the flow of influence does not pass through equally – instead, drinking appears to be greatly influenced by women. If a woman starts drinking heavily, both her male and her female friends are likely to follow suit. But when a man starts drinking more, he has much less effect on either his female friends or his male buddies down at the bar. It is not clear why this is so, but it suggests that women are the key to the spread throughout the network, and they may therefore be the key to successful interventions”

So, as you read – the study doesn’t give reasons. The reasons I wrote are my own assumptions. But there is a clear case of cause and effect. That itself was important to me in this case.

Another brilliant analysis that the book then wrote was on the importance of religion in the social network. That if man is a social animal then religion is a natural result of our social skills. This was a crazy revelation for me and I never did think of it in this way.

 He says – “One way to make social networks stable is to arrange them so that everyone is connected to a node that can never be removed” This line in itself has far deeper meaning than everything else. He then continues “There would then be a short path from each person to every other person through this particular node. But even the most popular person in a society could not fill this role, since, realistically, a single individual cannot be connected to absolutely everyone. And even if someone could be connected , the effect on the network would not be permanent because humans are mortal.

But considerations do not apply to God. If God were seen as a node on a network, large groups of people could be bound together not just by a common idea but also by a specific social relationship to every other believer. People could perceive a specific social tie to others, and everyone would be one degree removed from everyone else. People who felt a connection to God would have a way of feeling connected to others, because through God everyone is a “friend of a friend”.

He then writes – “A key function of religion, in other words, is to stabilize social connections. Investigations of the fundamental ways in which the mind works further support this idea. For example, functional MRI studies show that during religious feelings and altered states of consciousness, the parts of the brain that regulate the sense of self in time and space actually STOP FUNCTIONING (emphasis mine).  This contributes to the sensation that “all are one” and may help us overcome a built-in rigidity in the way we perceive our position with respect to others. In essence, the brain is fooled into believing that social boundaries do not exist or, equivalently, that everyone is connected to everyone else. Thus, people who would be willing to do something to help their friends suddenly have many more friends and may be more motivated to act on their behalf. In this way, a religious movement can bring together disparate groups of people to achieve a common goal, from caring for the poor to building great structures to, alas, launching war of rival groups.”

This is crazy deep stuff. But so obvious in hindsight. It shows that no book is wasted. Stay in there, be invested, you never know what you get. Religion is a natural consequence of social fabric and a need (basic, primal and genetic) of human. In other words, we are hardwired for religion and God. That’s why we personify him, give him emotions and thought and hence connect with us all as easily as possible. Now everyone in a given religion, is imply one friend away from each other. In democracy, this God is the constitution that everyone swears allegiance to. And the world – possibly it is the common world trade agreement that we sign off on. Now everyone within a trade agreement is simply connected to each other by one step. Leading to greater prosperity, greater harmony, greater peace. No two nations entrenched in trade go to war. Wow this is a crazy a-ha moment. Now religion for me has moved from a blind useless structure designed to subdue, control and restrict to a form of a need that enables harmony, common agreements and connections, leading to greater prosperity for all. Wow. Wow. Wow. The more we agree to the book of common law and common rules for trade and prosperity the less will be the impact of The Lord!

This is crazy Aha.

Not that I am turning religious – but it now gives me meaning to understand other people’s religious dispositions. And not arrogantly blame them or judge them for being religious, after all, they only have their genes to blame. So now by cutting religion from my life and from Jispa’s life as well, we have possibly robbed a strong pool of connections from which to leverage out of. But it isn’t so easy. Once a Jain, always a Jain. You cant get yourself extricated from this that easily. So, in effect she now has two pools, the Jains and the atheists, and with some convenient jugglery – Hindu. But what a revelation this book has been in this one sense. That’s the great thing about reading so many books, disparate books, different topics and different issues.

Read Jispa read. That is what makes me alive. And you – you also have the gift of being able to listen to music. Music refused to be listened to by me. It never did give me any great meaning. You now have audio, video and written word. Hey – that’s an awesome thing going for you. Now, seriously, now I am jealous. Your parents turned out pretty decent after all, at least so far, well… in some respects, largely, hopefully, probably…assumedly, ok fine… we will wait and see.

Last update – the book that she is reading now is ‘behind the beautiful forever by Kathrine Boo. This is also of a bit seditious book… evil snigger.