son

Todays is my mom’s birthday. I have a very weird relationship with mom. For 30 years, I was a good son and practically listened to almost everything and did all the good things that a good son should. I came home on time, took care, ate well and did nice things. After marriage, I tried sorting things and making things work within family fights and disputes but at the end, after Jispa was born we couldn’t take it anymore and we left to stay separate. It’s been an on and off relationship ever since. Every time we get close mom pulls one request or a thing out of the bag and it becomes impossible to be sane about the whole thing. My only solace is that I have chosen to never fight with her on anything, after we left to live separate. This makes sure that no one can accuse me of saying anything to anyone in anger. It would have only made for more bitterness

When my sister decided that for today, she would compile a list of articles from everyone about her, she also asked me to pen something down. This was easier said than done. I had to write something honestly but not let any of the bitterness or “could have been” come through. It had to be truthfully from the heart but not full of emotional crap that set to settle scores or give a point of view. I started to write from my early memories and wrote about how she defined a lot of what I am today. I think in the end, I managed to strike a good balance and write a decent note. My sister was impressed. She wondered how I could write so well and how I could remember all these small details. I told Jasmine – “I wonder how, but my family still thinks that I am some petty little piece of shit.” Probably I will always be the younger kid for them.

But here – below is the write up that gave my sister to be included…

---

When you have to write something for you mom, it’s always a difficult and dangerous thing. Difficult because you never know which memory to pick over the other and which one to highlight; and dangerous because – she is your mom – you never win against your mom. It goes like a cheap Hollywood movie – everything you say (or don’t) can and will be used against you in the court of law. And here the law is not blind but all seeing, all knowing and ever present… That’s you Mom.

Normally such write ups start with an early memory. The first time someone set their eyes on someone, or the first time they heard of someone. That is normally the best place to start. But when the person in question is the all-powerful Mother, then how do you start. What was your first moment? Your supposedly super hero origin story itself starts inside of her. This further gets complicated by a simple problem. How do you know which one was the earliest?

Having tabled my difficulties, I guess my most vivid memory and probably earliest memory was the first day I was being sent to Nursery school. I am likely to get a lot of facts wrong but I think that our cousins had come over to stay with us at Dubai and it was my first day at Nursery which I did not want to go. I kept clutching at mom and fighting to go till Dad got into the picture. I don’t remember what convinced me to go but I guess (and I am told) that Dad had to give me a rap, after which I duly complied. That’s as good a first story as it gets.

Now let’s get to another story – this one is especially special! This defined what I did for the rest of my life. Once I clearly remember as a very small kid, I was sleeping next to mom. I turned and put my right arm on her and my right leg on her. And I slept. Slept well. That one moment defined how I slept ever since. I can get sleep only by sleeping on my tummy with my right leg folded and my right arm folded under the pillow as if I am still hugging mom. So every time in at night when I sleep, I sleep with my mom next to me. I have tried some times to sleep on my back or in any other position but I have failed. I can only sleep with my mom next to me on the right.

Here are a few other memories while growing up. Here are a few other memories:

Somit slapping me and triggering an acute pain in the ear, thanks to an infection and me running to mom. Yah, thanks Somit for being there!

Me wanting to sleep every night after drinking milk which mom made from milk powder for me.

Ah this other one is also special for me in a weird way – Her bangles. She has these gold bangles with angular ridges. She has been wearing these for so many years now. I hate to see them pushed up on her hand and sitting tight on the arm. Always I have just nudged them loose as they fall by the wrist and dangle and make a soft mellow clanging sound, that only golden bangles can. I can never see any bangles high up on the arm. I have to push them down to the wrist. I remember her wrist, the small dots (freckles kind of) on the back of her hands and her veins. Her hands are similar to that of her mom. I loved playing with them and from there on I loved playing with my veins on the back of my hands.

As a young boy growing up, you have a connection with your mom but your hero growing up is your dad. It’s always a mixed feeling. You love mom more but as you sprout your moustache and manhood hits, the lessons of daddyhood hit you and that’s your role in society that you emulate. But small things that mom tells you remain. For now, how you organize your kitchen. I still like my kitchen the way mom kept it.

One another thing that mom taught me about relationships is that she used to always say, dad never asked her about money and never ever questioned her spending. That is one lesson about being a husband that I learnt from mom. I have followed in your advice mom, which was never explicitly said but still I learnt it from you. Never question your wife on the expenses. If she is in a good mood, you will get a detailed expense list and if she is in a bad mood, you will get … err… let’s not get there.

These are specific memories that I have that have helped me grow up. There are a million more. I have a lot of scars from the wounds I have got and almost in every one of them I remember thinking of mom, rather than dad. That is in spite of the fact that it was dad doing all the hard work and the dressing. But it was still mom who I sought comfort in. I remember the smell, the shoulder, the stomach and the hands like crazy.

So yes, mom in many ways has helped me grow. But at a more philosophical level, sometimes an important aspect of a family that really permeates through is how she held the family together at dinner. Dinner was always together and on the dining table and without the TV on. She insisted on this, with only cricket matches being exceptions. National pride before family, I guess. Dinner table was especially important for sharing notes, talking and humor.  Mom encouraged that, allowed that and was a butt of many jokes. Even today the Parekh khandaan saga will have me in splits. Mom was sporting enough to laugh at it and to take it all in good jest. That family togetherness, humor, teasing and bonding is something that was sacrosanct on the Doshi dinner table. That brought the family together, allowed for change, improvement, and some amazing memories. All that I learnt by being the youngest and the benefit of everyone’s expense was on the dinner table. While mom was possibly the most silent on these occasions, I would give almost all the credit for tying it together to her. This more than anything defined us and will define our families and then their generations for years to come. Jispa, Angel and the two Kamdar brothers should know this for sure. This is where their dinner table finger pointing and laughter comes from. So, dear Arjun, when Amisha calls you for dinner, don’t moan and act all pricey. Blame Naani but at the same time quietly thank her. For one day, you will be a man one day thanks to this.

Dont STOMP on the clown

How long can you wait for something?

Many mnay years ago, I remember that the popular program on state controlled TV was a news segment that was privatized. It used to come every Friday, I think later in the evening. It was very well produced and it brought to India the highlights of everything happening around the world. It was Prannoy Roy’s ‘The world this week’. We grew up understanding the world as seen from the perspective of this show. Indian News was typical state run and boring with a newscaster giving the highlights through a script, with very little video reporting. Most of the reporting centered around the Prime Minister and his stooges. At the end of the news show, The world this week, always had a small interesting segment, an interesting video or a clip on anything around the world. Once, they showcased a very novel group making waves around the world. This was a musical dance group that only made music, and danced to it, from items found around in the streets. They used garbage cans, plastic drums and broom sticks to make excellent beats. I so wanted to see it some-day, some place. This would have been in or around 1991. I never forgot that feeling and that desire. I wanted to see for sure.

Recently around a month back, newspapers had ads that said that the original show “Stomp” was there in India, with shows in Mumbai. This was the original group that performed the percussion show that I saw on TV 25 years ago. It was here and in Mumbai and accessible. This was awesome. I definitely wanted to see it. I used the youtube to sell this to her. She was game. Often desires are scarified at the altar of family time. Then the next was Jispa. One Sunday, I showed it to her. I showed her the youtube videos and she was on board as well. So, the challenge was to figure the show in the busy schedule that Jispa and Jasmine have. Mine is simple. I work like a dog 5 days of the week and the weekend is devoted to family. Family has swim and other priorities and then I am done.

This time Jasmine figured the time and asked me to book the tickets. I was pretty excited. The tickets were definitely not cheap. They started at 750 bucks and went upto 4,500 a head. This was at the NCPA theatre which was a large but awesome theatre. At this place there aren’t really any bad seats. And inspite of waiting 25 years, I still didn’t want to spend so much money. I know it’s kind of nice and interesting but still. I saw the seating and there, the last two rows were for 750 and then the third row was 1000 and then the 5^th row was 1500 and there on. Wait a second. Was I going to pay double just to be seated four rows in front. That wasn’t happening. I ended up taking the last row at 750 bucks a ticket. I don’t know if I was getting cheap or I was getting really cheap or I was just a smart guy who was making a rational price value trade off.

Nevertheless, the 25 year wait was well worth it. The guys were lovely, athletic and full of energy. Most importantly they had enough funny moments in the show that added a lot of relief. They engaged with the crowd and made the crowd a part of the troupe by having segments in which the crowd was clapping in a set beat. There was one guy in the troupe who was singled out as the clown and who would do things against the grain of the performance. The most random of things would happen. One special random moment was when the troupe was making some music with the shopping carts as props. They kept passing the carts around each other, when randomly one shopping cart is thrown from one side of the stage to another and in it is this same guy who is calmly reading a newspaper. It was so weird and random that it was funny.

Later on, I had the chance of discussing this with Jispa. Seeing it for the amazing experience that it is, is one thing; but having the chance to discuss it with someone is another; and that someone who takes it further and imparts knowledge to you.. outstanding; and that is your daughter – complete priceless. She and me spoke about the performance and we discussed on how it was crazy and amazing. I spoke about the drama, the anticipation, the exaggeration of the movements and fun it brought on stage. Jispa took it to another level – she spoke about the ‘red nose clowning’ technique that she learnt at school. She spoke about how the show employed all the techniques to give the performance. Now that Jispa is old enough and she understands drama better, she likes to come for shows with us. Now to keep an eye out for such shows and to have conversations that generally increase the level of intelligence between the family. What more could I ask for.

On clowning, I just recently heard about the term mattachino.  This is the term used for the Italian court jester. The jester in the court was an important figure. His job was to tell truth to power. “Their role was more than pure amusement; they were the original “truth tellers,” whose job was to mock typical human vices of vanity, venality, snobbery, petulance, laziness, carpetbaggery, and fatuity. The court jesters aimed their humor at the usual targets: religion and the hypocrisy of its authority figures; pompous and self-serving scholars and grandiloquent artists; knavish and sycophantic court officials; and indolent, mercurial, or incompetent rulers.”

As I read about the mattachino, I realize that in office and at home as well, there is a need for the mattachino who role in life is to tell truth to power. Truth to power is dangerous and is not often allowed. More often than not it is punished. But a clown is the only way to say it. That is the way to tell power and for the power to digest it – through humor and laughter. When I started working, I have always noticed that there is always one guy in the team whose job it is to clown around, to speak the truth in a way that is best digested by everyone. When he opens his mouth, everyone laughs as he speaks the truth, he criticizes but in a way that you cannot take offence. I think in every board room, there should be a role of the jester. His job should be to diffuse the tension, to laugh, to crazy jokes, to make fun of people and to allow truth to emerge. In my previous company, I had a crack team. But this team most crucially had the freedom to laugh and to poke fun at each other. They would poke fun at me and I would get back at them. We would laugh. That allowed everyone to improve and move ahead.

Laughter is important. At our home, I take this very seriously. Everyone is allowed to crack jokes on anyone. You can’t feel bad about it. The most truth is told when we are having fun at each other’s expense. Within the norm of humor, respect and care, humor can only improve the team. My cricket team as well. Humour was important element. We used it to push each other and poke fun at each other.

Now I understand one more important dynamic of teams and one important dynamic of laughing. Interesting. Who knew…

Today almost by Gods will, while write this post I stumbled upon this video, which beautifully captures the emotion of poking fun through the vehicle of teasing.
See it - 



and this

bonus - Stomp trailer

colossal waste of everything

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon introduced a number of interesting policies at Amazon. One of the things he said was the two pizza team rule. This is so dam interesting. He said teams must not be greater than what two pizzas cannot feed. So, in many ways the team size is restricted to 5 -7 heads. This is right.

We went to an offsite over the week end. One of the things that I will do when I ever become the head of a business, is that I will ban off sites. First things first, why should we need to go off location to discuss and have ‘strategic’ discussions. In an off site you take half the company along with you. You seat them in a conference room and then sit to discuss some company strategic goals. Half the jokers in the conference room are bored, half don’t understand anything, half don’t want to give opinion, half don’t care, half don’t get it, half only want to give their opinion, half think the world is wrong. In case you are wondering, these are not mutually exclusive and hence you can have so many halves. In the end, no one really does anything big and no real decisions are taken and almost every delivery is forgotten.

My preference for all these decisions are simple. They should be taken in a small room with a small number of people who actually matter and who are smart enough to add value. I just can’t handle an extra bunch of crowd in a room.

I HATE OFF SITES.

The only official off site that I think ever helped was once where we went on a training program which had all of us playing games all day. We went to a simplistic place with basic facilities where they made us play all sorts of games out doors. These were interesting games, obstacle courses and physical and mental games. We were there for two days and thanks to the plethora of games, the teams kept rotating and you got to interact with people from all the departments. That is one off site format that I agree with. What’s the point of being off site, if all you are going to do is be indoors? Strategy can be done within the four walls of the office. Bonding can be better effected outside the confines of office and by doing all sorts of fun games. That’s the fun thing to do. Still there is no guarantee of team play or anything, but at least the team feels nice for a few days afterwards and that is something to build on.

Over the years, I have learnt that my instincts are better than anything else. Too many people do too many things and of all things they are guilty of, is trying too much. Work and office is simple. The principals are simple, you learn from your experience and you try and stop making mistakes that you were subjected to by your bosses.

I remember the first off site I ever went for. This was at Sariska wild life sanctuary. Here my big memory was the sales head, taking the case of the Area Sales Manager while he was making a presentation to everyone. It was designed and pre-decided to publicly humiliate him. The best part of all this is that the ASM was so used to this being a sales system forever, that it did not even hurt him. He was just standing there. Today was his day, next year it would be somebody else’s turn. What a joke.

That’s why the simple wisdom of Jeff Bezos trumps everything else. Small teams solving real problems and taking the firm forward, one problem at a time. Most of the time, we simply get people in an offsite, just so that people don’t feel bad.

At my earlier firm, when the money was good and flowing, I have been to off sites to Turkey, HongKong, Singapore and Srilanka in addition to countless Indian destinations. My best story on this is that I actually flew to London in business class to attend a 2 hour useless meeting on strategy. Like really! I wasn’t complaining. I felt like I had arrived in life. I loved the business clas travel and I loved hanging around in London for a couple of days as if it’s a regular cool thing, I wore my woolen suits and I showered at the Business class lounge at Heathrow on arrival before going for my meeting. Why should I complain?

The best is that all of this came to a sudden halt post 2009 when the financial crisis hit the world and money dried up. Off sites dried up and all useless spend was frowned upon. Forget hotels, now we were staying in guest houses, if we did have to travel. Business class became restricted to only the upper echelons of power and for the rest travel became only on an “if and must” basis.

Now these excesses are going to crop up again. I will try and resist but it’s going to be impossible. One of the reasons it had climbed dizzying heights in my previous company was the simple factor of having a company-wide newsletter. Every group company / division was tasked once a quarter to report some interesting achievements of the business and the only thing that everyone reported was the amazing offsite they had. Everyone would read this and go to their boss and ask for an offsite themselves and since they were doing better than that division, they deserved a better location. Slowly slowly, these locations started going to 5 stars, exotic places and then, they started to reach abroad. Once that happens, all hell breaks loose. The boss is depicted as a loser for not being able to swing something exotic enough and he was forced to get something interesting so as to retain / stamp his authority on the team. What crap. Institutions are full of people; people are full of ego. A multitude of ego combing together create a mad house where anything is possible. I am so done with these jokers. But I also know that my rant is the version of the stove calling the kettle black.

So yes, off sites are still the worst thing in the world and I hate them to the core. They are a waste of money, time and bandwidth. BAN THEM.