now I am there, now I am not

It’s tough being a dad. At least being an involved dad. One of my guiding principals in being a dad is to remembering what I went through as a kid and ensuring that the same shit does not hit my daughter while I attempt to replicate what I really like. Jispa so far has grown to be a sweet kid who understands issues and is able to not throw tantrums to get her way done. She is remarkably well behaved while shopping or for anything.
Her birthday is coming up and I don’t understand the parties where you end up spending near about a lakh rupees. That seems to be par for the course. I find it obnoxious. Why do you need a party organiser when you have me? What is my creativity and jasmine’s superb organising skills going to come of use? This year we want to have a treasure hunt. We have a large – really huge garden behind our house. I think it is sometimes touted as Mumbai’s largest public garden and it’s also decently maintained. The builder maintains it as he still wants to sell projects that are coming up. So the game and clues have all been dreamt of. Now to have a really fun party. The kids are also so bored of the standard party games played by the standard party organisers. Jispa is happy with these parties and does not insist on getting fancier parties as compared to her friends and neither do we have such ambitions.
Its amazing how our moods are linked into hers and having a close nuclear family one person’s mood impacts the others immensely. Yesterday Jispa was upset at some issue she had with her friends. There are times when you can control issues and then there are times when you can’t. It is up to you to take that call. And it is a difficult call to take.
As a dad I want to protect her where possible and also at the same time I want her to be ready to face life’s realities where possible. She needs to grow up and be happy at the same time. Can the two coexist? Some part of growing up is necessarily not happy. I have had some experiences as a kid, that were not too happy. In school, as I have earlier blogged about, we came in from Dubai to India when I was in fourth standard and it was pretty traumatic. But more than that I started noticing something at about the same time. There some group leaders emerging within the class. These were characters who would dictate what to do and be natural leaders of their groups. And eth groups had the second type of people. Kids who would follow the leader. So the leader decided the games to be played and the group followed and pandered to every whim and fancy of the leader. I remember seeing it upfront and early enough. And I also remember not fitting in either segment. I was no natural leader - in school at young ages – these were normally the really bratty extra shrewd ones. And I was definitely no mind less follower. The result in primary and to an extent secondary school is a bit of solitude. It’s not as poetic as it sounds. It means you typically float from group to group every break figuring some game to play. A little bit of a loner.
I have seen Jispa’s style and her friends. There are some natural born pains. The mean types, the over dressed types, the I know it all types, I am so pretty types, it’s my way or highway types. Jispa is the amenable type but not a mindless girlie types. She has a sharp mind that can see the pettiness in a game and get happily bored. Even more so when the game becomes too girly She is also not a natural bon bitch. No I don’t think I am seeing it with parenting eyes. I genuinely see some girls behave like an A grade bitch. The way they manipulate others or their parents. Jips is not a manipulator.
I don’t know how it will pan out for her. I sure knew how it panned out for me. I had very few friends and I really never did belong to a large group in school. In college somehow a group emerged, but I was never really really close to any one group and also hung around with different groups. I learnt in the end not to get too fussed. I learnt today not to be bothered too much with others plans and people. I was in the end happier alone. It’s the same thing with meetings as well. Everyone is involved in meetings and it really gets to my nerves. The bullshit quotient gets too high for my liking and I simply tune off.
I am sure Jispa will face this or many similar issues. Or even issues of another kind. Some I will know of and some I won’t have a clue. She might be too proud to tell me. or she might not want to tell me for whatever other reason… I might sweat too much. So many of these I would simply not be able to solve. And she grows older she will have to solve them her self. I can at best be a sounding board. I have to understand this. I have to think through this. It is difficult to see your child unhappy and say – its ok, she’ll grow up. There will be much heartbreak for her to handle. What is going to be my role? Yesterday with her friends she was upset; I stayed away from the cause. I limited my role to cheering her up. I told her that her happy me was having a fight with her sad me. She can’t let the sad me win for now. Let the happy me be there and show happiness. We take the sad me and trap in a pocket. In the evening when the sad me has had some time to think, remove her from your pocket and ask her what the issue actually was. She should then see if the sad me was really right in being sad and to have a heart to heart chat with her. Till then if you are sad or if you let things affect you, there will always be people happy that you have things affecting you. Let the happy me win for now. Sad me is not a bad thing, just give it some time to think.
I guess that should be the rule going forward. More and more so. I would cease to really know what the exact issue is or the problem is. That is something she would have to deal with herself. I can only give larger picture ‘gyan’. It’s not easy but its ok. That way I guess I can help where required and stay off on specifics. Real learning is nothing but application.
Everyone grows. The more I protect the later she grows. It is affine balance and it is disturbing in the short run. Even as I write this I am not totally at ease not knowing the exact nature of any problem. I don’t like saying that I don’t want to know. I want to know. I want to see. I want to be involved. But I also know I shouldn’t. I can only be there if required. Hopefully my blog will be around well afterwards.