What is Jispa?

Yesterday i was having a nice conversation with Jispa and her friend Sheel. Sheel is a smart boy who with Jispa in her nursery. Sheel went to a different school but now he has come to join Jispa’s school in the 8th standard. Jispa had to practically repeat her lower Kg as the cut off for her current school was off by a few months. hence she is the oldest in her class and Sheel is one year ahead of her academically.

Jispa has been having evening school thanks to her annual concert. He annual concert has been a really boring affair. I think i only enjoyed it in the first two years after which i think generally the quality degraded and the novelty wore off. I hate those concerts. they are normally ill written with bad acting, bad direction and fundamentally a crap script. Then they have this rule that every kid gets to go on stage with a role no matter how small. So they end up with the lead character role being distributed amongst two tree kids. Even the villain roles are played like thus. So the first time I was wondering what happened to the hero - where did he go? who is this other guy in the same costume… till it dawned on me the great benefits of having an egalitarian and democratic society in a school concert. Total anarchy reigned. so inspite of being  highly involved dad I decided once or twice to just give it a miss. Jispa too doesn't care too much for it. She knows how dumb her concerts are and how amazingly ridiculous her costumes are. The worst is always the final days where she has to dress up and go to the concert with her stupid costume and face with make up. Jasmine has hardly ever used make up. But she has a complete set with all colors just for Jispa’s stupid concerts. I am hoping to miss this time’s one as well.

To manage crowds the concerts are performed over two days and yesterday was the first day when we went to pick her. Sheel was hanging around and we decided to drop him home. Since it was late we went for dinner first. Sheel is the quite intelligent smart guy who likes to read. And he tends to ask nice and intelligent questions and he loves to eat. So when we took him to dinner we started talking about lactose intolerance. It was a nice conversation that went from genetics to darwinism to Einstein. I felt nice.

I was explaining that lactose tolerance is actually a mutation because mostly people should be intolerant after they are around 4. As a human race we started eating so much lactose only in the last few decades. Cheese milk butter was not as plentiful earlier as it is today. Thanks to the modern dairy industry. So Sheel asked me if then over a period of time will people eventually all become tolerant - laws of adaptation since we eat so much lactose in our daily lives. Then was my proud moment i recollected from a book i read eons ago - Survival of the sickest - “Fittest you mean?” he asked me. Nope Sickest. What we consider today to be sick may have been the reason for survival in the years gone by. For example the sickle cell anaemia may be an issue today, but it helped people affected by it survive malaria - hence those sick with it were the most likely to survive. Similarly hemochromatosis being baneful to survive the bubonic plague which ravaged a large part of Europe.

This was a nice conversation after a long time.

I have had this feeling for some time that Jispa doesn't really value my knowledge. For her talking intelligent stuff to her dad is something that she takes for granted. in the middle she refused to have these conversations with me. She would ask irrelevant questions, needlessly dumb down the conversation and sometimes, just stop asking questions. I was quite annoyed with her. Till i realised that this is the way life is. I don't think she will realise the value of all the stuff that I read. When i first go to a place they go crazy and listen to me all day. Then when they hire me - I am on a tap. No body values knowledge given on a tap. i find this extremely irritating but i have learnt to deal with it.

So yesterday when i was talking to Sheel, Jispa also joined in. And this time, i continued my focus on talking and maintaining eye contact with Sheel. The ploy seems to have worked. it was a conversation with Sheel that she could join in - a different kind of conversation. It ended being highly esoteric - that the speed of light is constant and even if you running with a torch and you switch it on - the speed of light will remain the same. The last question before ending dinner was - if you were travelling at the speed of light and you look behind - what will you see? - Jispa said - everything black. At the time i thought thats right - but i guess right now searching further - i realised its much more a difficult question to answer. it ranges to black to frozen to a question of behind not existing at all!

See the problem of too much bull shit info! But sure you get the point and i got a conversation.

bitch

I don’t want to be in the fight. Oh dam it. This father business is painful. Yesterday I was in the fight and scolding my daughter for something I wasn’t even sure I want. She needs to sleep as she needs to wake up in the morning for swimming. Instead she was reading a book. She went in the other room saying that she will come instantly when it’s time to sleep and till then she must read. I called her and yet she continued to read… Dam it. She needs to sleep but double dam it – she should be reading as well. Reading is good for you. But if I don’t interfere there is tremendous pressure on Jasmine. Jasmine is right now in cool off mode. She just ignores transgressions. She is like do what you want – I am tired of you. I don’t want to tell you. you are now old enough to know and handle this on your own. I am in the middle saying – no. she is not old enough, you have to keep the pressure else they won’t learn now.

So instead I get involved and do what I need to do, or rather what I am forced to do. I don’t want to be the authoritarian disciplinarian. Yesterday half way through the scolding I was losing faith in myself. But I need to get her to sleep. That is critical now. And it’s not that she won’t. She will sleep in 30 seconds of closing her eyes. If I don’t push it then Jasmine will erupt. She will burst. She manages Jispa every day, that’s a bloody tough thing to do.

So this time around Dad had to put a stupid stone on his chest and go for it. At the end of it, I looked at Jasmine and told her that this is getting too much for us. She looked at me and said, relax – one more week till the state meet and then no more morning swimming. Whew! Relax.

You know I want to be the cool guy. I want to be the guy that people love to have around and who is relaxed but if I do it all the time things would go off. The other day was the first time I had to tick a couple of kids in office off. These two would indulge in gossip all the time. Every time they would be sitting and chit chatting. I would make a joke about it and get them to work. But it would be of no avail. Then I let it rip. I got them into the room and gave them a dressing down. If they want to gossip then this is not the place for it. Every time getting together and talking in hushed tones is not the culture I want. Be loud about what you say. You can’t keep talking secrets.

I hate this secret culture. You always see these unsecure people wanting to talk secrets in office. Then when they are talking they keep looking behind their back or over their shoulder or around when they talk to you. I find that really dumb. Why do you need to talk to anyone and look around you? What is it that you are hiding or don’t want others to hear. Sometimes Jispa’s friends piss me off. They will talk to the other girls but while looking around. That is so secret secret behavior. Luckily Jispa shows no such signs nor doesn’t care or gel with this kind of stuff. Its so pissing off.

In my team I would like to root out such behavior and stomp on it. Talk, criticize but in front of the person. Don’t bitch so much, especially if it’s your team member. When someone bitches to me about someone then I assume that one will bitch about me to someone else. Tread with immediate caution!

clarity in a cafe :)

All you need to do is smile.

On Sunday we were at the Café coffee day opposite Don Bosco high School at Matunga. This place somehow has been a favorite of mine. Every time we get good guys for service attached here. Around eight years back, this was a favorite haunt for Jasmine, V-inu and me. Many evenings were spent here. I would come in from office and we would all catch a coffee there. Whenever there was a bit of stress at home with mom and all that… a coffee to soothe the nerves was a welcome break at this café. Jispa too played  a lot here. Whenever Dinesh who was in Paraguay at the time came into India, we would again spend evenings at this café. There was a certain warmth with the café.

Over some time, the café décor seemed a bit dated and AC would not work as well and the chairs would be a little wobbly and we too moved to Wadala. This café moved out of our sight and mind. Recently they redid the café. The essential layout remained the same but the décor looked new and fresh. The AC was new and the furniture no longer wobbled. We made it back to the café.

These days I have been noticing a lovely trend. Girls from middle /low income households working at stores and cafes in Mumbai. They are pretty sweet, know a bit of English to get around and are eager to smile. They are not the sales girls of yester years that came with an attitude and looked at every male guy who smiled as a guy wanting to pass a line. In variably these new girls are dressed smartly in work uniforms which are pants. I remember reading somewhere  or was it my teacher telling me that one of the big developments after the world wars was that women worked shoulder to shoulder with the men in factories producing stuff for the war while their men went out in the battle field and fought it. One of the things that they learnt to do is wear work pants. This helped them work, and the stupid skirts no longer restricted movement. It far easier to wear pants that skirts when you have to work. I think this is a major development as far as women empowerment goes. Now they don’t have to look girly or even behave like one. They stand next in line to the guys and can do whatever the guys does, even possibly better. From the dressing there is no way to know who is weaker or incapable of working hard. Pants bring men and women together in many ways.  Jasmine could never wear pants while growing up. Her dad was far too conservative for that. But after engagement she wore what she wanted to and now – she doesn’t have a single skirt in her wardrobe. Every day wear for her is track pants. They are easy and efficient.

I am seeing kids (girls) across India now wearing pants. Their parents are allowing them to do so and slowly they will grow up wearing them. In college today no girl comes to college ever in a skirt. Even mini skirts are rare – they rather wear shorts. To me it shows that these kids are growing up to believe that they are capable of doing a lot, irrespective of their gender. This is the generation that will lift the nation’s income and attitude. These girls will grow up and kick their husbands. They will play a greater role in shaping their child’s independent thinking.

I have also realized that they are open to conversation. They smile back and …. A big one… if casually, they give great service or something and if I pat their shoulder, they don’t shudder. It’s ok.

Coming back, this CCD has a good bunch of staff. Smiley and cute. These girls tend to be shorter than the average, possibly alluding to the situation that they possibly did not get enough nutrition in their growing up years. There has been a lot of research that the girl child gets lesser nutrition than the male and hence their height over the long run gets affected. It just takes two generations to sort this right with adequate nutrition.

So these cute tiny girls smile a lot when I give them the order. And I have a habit of constantly thanking the staff. I think I started this after Jispa was born and after I got comfortable with myself. Possibly after dealing with five stars or something. I don’t know. I can talk to any one right from the five star lobby manager to the usher at the cinema. Talk sweetly and thank them for their service. Then the next thing I do is call them by their name. They have a name tag – it must be used, right? So I gave one cute lady the order and thanked her and then when the order came to the table by another lady I thanked her as well. I have precise instructions many times. I want the coffee a little hot, I want an extra glass, one sugar sachet is enough etc. I must said thank you one time too many. And the lovely cute lady smield back and said “sir, aap itna thank you kyun bolte ho” (why do you thank me so many times?). “well if you keep giving me good service I will continue to thank you”. I always like to thank people for working. It’s a tough job and at the least – they should get a nice smiley customer who thanks them for their work done.

Lovely service must be rewarded by simple praise. And repeat business. So we went there again on Sunday. This time there was a lot of rush happening. There was an interschool chess tournament at Don Bosco and kids and parents were thronging to the CCD. They were overwhelmed. The lady at the cash counter recognized me and smiled. I asked her hows it going. She told me that today was huge day for them. They are doing record business and the crowd is great. She has been working whole day. They even got staff to come in from other stores to cope with the rush. I could see that they were in huge trouble. Orders were getting wrong, especially when clients wanted some customization. Orders were taking time and the customers being affected by the heat outside weren’t exactly forgiving. Luckily I got a seat that gave me ringside action to the stress they were in. Tempers and irritations were obvious inside the team. This team doesn’t normally work together and they were put in to work in a hostile and demanding environment. The manager was trying to work as hard as possible. But there was an issue…

That’s the problem with India. The pressure on growth drives corporates to expand and open as much as possible. What goes wrong is in the training of the people. These cute ladies weren’t smiling as much as they should have. The first response to an aggrieved customer was not a disarming smile or a body language that said – yes I am listening. It was .. no but this is what you asked for.  For a service joint, food is only a small fraction of the cost. McDonalds understand this very well and has a lovely policy here. They just take the stuff back and give you new stuff. Burger is cold – ok, thank you sir, dump it goes and here – take this new one. Once in a delhi Mac, I spilled all the cola while taking it to the table, NO Problem sir. We will clean it and voila – new coke was on my table.

As I saw them, I thought to myself… the only thing that is important here is that the manager should smile. The captain must smile in such situations. I always try and keep my spirits high when a match is going against me. SMILE. Don’t shout and don’t scream. SMILE. Then I realized that this simple learning is what I seem to have missed recently in office. I was losing my cool a bit too often for my comfort. Smile, Shit happens. At one time I used to be the cool dude who smiled when you did shit. My smiling when shit happened was enough for guys to feel like shit. Smile. I explained the situation to my daughter. See what’s happening. Look at the stress, see how they are behaving with each other. The only thing is for the captain to smile. At least he will improve the atmosphere inside the pantry at the CCD outlet. This will start a virtuous cycle. His staff will smile, his staff will smile with each other and then at the customer. Things will move smoother. Smile.

A simple learning that I have had all along but forgotten in the middle. Smile. I do it on the cricket field all the time. Smile. We lost the match we should have won. Smile. The guy just thrashed my bowler for the biggest six on the ground – Smile. Be aggressive, go for the jugular, but smile. The memory of the South African captain Hansie Cronje is etched in my memory. He normally has a dull dour image on the cricket field, he rarely smiled. But once in one match when the normally reticent Rahul Dravid was tearing his bowlers apart in a rain truncated match, the Proteas seemed to be losing the plot.  My memory of him smiling as broadly as possibly that day, is something I will never forget. Possibly I have that memory of the cricket field and possibly I don’t have any similar memory of office. But I have to try and do that. Smile. It’s different from Don’t worry be happy. Worry , stress out, anything, but smile. You will learn to cope better and your team might cope better. If there is shit in your head, don’t spill it in the open. Smile.

now I am there, now I am not

It’s tough being a dad. At least being an involved dad. One of my guiding principals in being a dad is to remembering what I went through as a kid and ensuring that the same shit does not hit my daughter while I attempt to replicate what I really like. Jispa so far has grown to be a sweet kid who understands issues and is able to not throw tantrums to get her way done. She is remarkably well behaved while shopping or for anything.
Her birthday is coming up and I don’t understand the parties where you end up spending near about a lakh rupees. That seems to be par for the course. I find it obnoxious. Why do you need a party organiser when you have me? What is my creativity and jasmine’s superb organising skills going to come of use? This year we want to have a treasure hunt. We have a large – really huge garden behind our house. I think it is sometimes touted as Mumbai’s largest public garden and it’s also decently maintained. The builder maintains it as he still wants to sell projects that are coming up. So the game and clues have all been dreamt of. Now to have a really fun party. The kids are also so bored of the standard party games played by the standard party organisers. Jispa is happy with these parties and does not insist on getting fancier parties as compared to her friends and neither do we have such ambitions.
Its amazing how our moods are linked into hers and having a close nuclear family one person’s mood impacts the others immensely. Yesterday Jispa was upset at some issue she had with her friends. There are times when you can control issues and then there are times when you can’t. It is up to you to take that call. And it is a difficult call to take.
As a dad I want to protect her where possible and also at the same time I want her to be ready to face life’s realities where possible. She needs to grow up and be happy at the same time. Can the two coexist? Some part of growing up is necessarily not happy. I have had some experiences as a kid, that were not too happy. In school, as I have earlier blogged about, we came in from Dubai to India when I was in fourth standard and it was pretty traumatic. But more than that I started noticing something at about the same time. There some group leaders emerging within the class. These were characters who would dictate what to do and be natural leaders of their groups. And eth groups had the second type of people. Kids who would follow the leader. So the leader decided the games to be played and the group followed and pandered to every whim and fancy of the leader. I remember seeing it upfront and early enough. And I also remember not fitting in either segment. I was no natural leader - in school at young ages – these were normally the really bratty extra shrewd ones. And I was definitely no mind less follower. The result in primary and to an extent secondary school is a bit of solitude. It’s not as poetic as it sounds. It means you typically float from group to group every break figuring some game to play. A little bit of a loner.
I have seen Jispa’s style and her friends. There are some natural born pains. The mean types, the over dressed types, the I know it all types, I am so pretty types, it’s my way or highway types. Jispa is the amenable type but not a mindless girlie types. She has a sharp mind that can see the pettiness in a game and get happily bored. Even more so when the game becomes too girly She is also not a natural bon bitch. No I don’t think I am seeing it with parenting eyes. I genuinely see some girls behave like an A grade bitch. The way they manipulate others or their parents. Jips is not a manipulator.
I don’t know how it will pan out for her. I sure knew how it panned out for me. I had very few friends and I really never did belong to a large group in school. In college somehow a group emerged, but I was never really really close to any one group and also hung around with different groups. I learnt in the end not to get too fussed. I learnt today not to be bothered too much with others plans and people. I was in the end happier alone. It’s the same thing with meetings as well. Everyone is involved in meetings and it really gets to my nerves. The bullshit quotient gets too high for my liking and I simply tune off.
I am sure Jispa will face this or many similar issues. Or even issues of another kind. Some I will know of and some I won’t have a clue. She might be too proud to tell me. or she might not want to tell me for whatever other reason… I might sweat too much. So many of these I would simply not be able to solve. And she grows older she will have to solve them her self. I can at best be a sounding board. I have to understand this. I have to think through this. It is difficult to see your child unhappy and say – its ok, she’ll grow up. There will be much heartbreak for her to handle. What is going to be my role? Yesterday with her friends she was upset; I stayed away from the cause. I limited my role to cheering her up. I told her that her happy me was having a fight with her sad me. She can’t let the sad me win for now. Let the happy me be there and show happiness. We take the sad me and trap in a pocket. In the evening when the sad me has had some time to think, remove her from your pocket and ask her what the issue actually was. She should then see if the sad me was really right in being sad and to have a heart to heart chat with her. Till then if you are sad or if you let things affect you, there will always be people happy that you have things affecting you. Let the happy me win for now. Sad me is not a bad thing, just give it some time to think.
I guess that should be the rule going forward. More and more so. I would cease to really know what the exact issue is or the problem is. That is something she would have to deal with herself. I can only give larger picture ‘gyan’. It’s not easy but its ok. That way I guess I can help where required and stay off on specifics. Real learning is nothing but application.
Everyone grows. The more I protect the later she grows. It is affine balance and it is disturbing in the short run. Even as I write this I am not totally at ease not knowing the exact nature of any problem. I don’t like saying that I don’t want to know. I want to know. I want to see. I want to be involved. But I also know I shouldn’t. I can only be there if required. Hopefully my blog will be around well afterwards.

keep runnning

I lived in Dubai till I was in the third standard. One of the fun things we had was going on picnics with friends and family in tow. Large numbers all deciding to get together running to some part of Dubai. Sometimes we hit the dunes and sometimes we hit some hidden oasis. I still have fond memories of them. I reckon that the memories are today etched deeper thanks to all the photographs. Though I still retain some vivid recollections which are not picture led.
One of the favourite picnic places was a place called Safa Park. This was a large garden as I remember. We used to go and play games, cricket and other stuff. It was fun to play with everybody, adults and children alike. We used to look forward to these picnics.
On Saturday we took some kids for to the park behind my building. This is supremely well maintained park with plenty of lawns and one particularly large one. We made the kids play and they really enjoyed. That set me thinking. Why not do it in proper style. So I planned a proper outing. Back in the same place, but his time with a tent and enough Tang and sandwiches. O got poor jasmine enlisted and gathered the kids. All the kids have tents these days. The lovely ones that jus need opening to be set up. One mother also joined in. one sent her maid and one set of parents came along. Perfect to play chain chain, tis kit and tasket, four corners, lock and key etc. The kids enjoyed it and I enjoyed it as well.
I think it was important that the few mother who came, did. The kids got to play outdoors with the mommies and they had a whale of a time. It’s very important to play with your children and not merely take them for a game. One of the boys wanted to play Frisbee and I loved to teach him as well. After he got better at it he screamed out to his dad to see him. It was important that his dad know / appreciate his new found skill.
That way I always wondered how parents are ever willing to throw their kids into vacation camps etc. it doesn’t really take too much to get the kids and a few friends together and throw them in a park with just a little guidance on new games to play.
One of friends in school was a guy called Vijay Venkatesh. I remember his dad used to make all the children play games after schools. I loved playing with them. This memory would be around 25 years old I guess. But it’s stayed with me.
But I didn’t think of all this when I planned this outing. I just wanted to have fun with the kids. It keeps me happy, active and gets me some quality time with the kids. It’s fun to observe them and see them compete. It’s also making Jispa an active kid. She runs the most, runs the fastest and her legs hurt the least.
I think these options have emerged because of the fact that we don’t have a TV at home; else I would have watched movies and worse still cricket. With IPL beaming a large number of matches so many people stay glued in front of the action rather than being a part of it. Unacceptable.

please my I disappear? NO, shut up and sit down.

V-inu calls me and wishes me. Then he calls me later in the day saying – he read my post and wants to take back his wishes. Gladly… then he says have you heard Time by Pink Floyd. We search it up and the lines he wants me to read –
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinkingRacing around to come up behind you again The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're olderShorter of breath and one day closer to death
This is what he tells everyone when they come and wishs him. You bloody morose sadist. Then dear V gets our third part of the triumvirate Dee-nesh to read my last post. So Dee-nesh calls up and says I am not wishing you because I read the blog. Ok thank you. How thoughtful of you. He gives me gyan on the improbability of disappearing on this wonderful day. Thank you again for bearing with me. What are friends for after all…
So I am signing off with my disappearance wish highly unfulfilled. I am such a complainer. almost v-inuesque. Actually i am unfair to him. its not that he complains but he is actually angry with the world. Why? Ithink he loves it but hates the fact that he loves it. SOmething like that... nahhh... I am just being mean. He's a good guy. I'll vouch for that. Dee-nesh? Oh, he always was...

Old friends and triple win

Now let’s see. An old B school friend of yours is coming to your office and she (operative word SHE) is going to drop by and say hi to you as well. What do you do. Well for one, wear nice formals. The ones that make you look important. second…. CLEAN YOUR DESK. You got to look cool, uncluttered and important. hahahhaha. Ya ok, Sonali did drop by the office. She is as smart as she was 8 years ago, and by her own description, svelte. But doing all that just for her…Nahhhhh,…. Ok ok ok ok. I admit, I did clean my desk. But it needed cleaning in any case. It was long overdue. Can a catalyst be defined as a cause. I argue, as not. Your honour, I am innocent, set me freeeeeeeee.

Kya bakwas likh raha hun?

In continuation of my win win win experiments with other hapless victims. I took a cab today from my house to the station. Yesterday I took a cab home from office and it cost be around 160 bucks. While going to the station I asked him if he would go all the way to office at Nariman point for a 100. He said it would be around 130 and you could give 10 15 bucks less. So we agreed at 120. Now it was interesting to see the decisions he takes as regards the route. Some places he took the shortest route and some places he took a small detour but saved time. He maximized his time and money equation in a unique manner. It was very interesting. This way I got the best time money route to take my self in case I am driving in.
Another case was my regular taxi guy who was charging me 40 bucks everyday to get me to Jispa’s bus stop where I dropped her off and take a train to office. Now Jispa’s school going will start only in a months and a half’s time, so I asked him to come in at 7.45 or 8 am. But he already was booked at the time with someone who was going to Mazagaon every day at 7.45. So I suggested that I share some part of the journey with him. He loved the idea. Now for him the best option would be to charge be slightly less than normal, the other guy gets a discount as well, and he must be better off than what he normally would have got by a small margin. So if we assume its 100 bucks to Mazagoan and 40 bucks to Wadala. Then he should charge me 30 and the other dude 90 and therefore the taxi makes 120 versus 100 he would have got. WIN WIN WIN. Lets see what does he do.

poetry blogs, photo blogs

I was reading some random blogs today and caught my friend blogging. Quite a nice blog. I have linked her here without her permission. (I am not sure she will mind or not. But heck, it’s nice and on public domain) She clicks great pix too... hmmm, I always knew she was immensely talented, but somewhere I felt she is not using her strengths enough. Too much thinking can many ways be a bad thing. But hell, that’s not what I wanted to do. some blogs are lovely. I like the way she wrote. A lot of talking to her self almost great poetry. Similar to what quite a few blogs write. Some how I realize while I love that writing, I don’t quite write like that. I dunno! what is my style? I think it’s much like talking to other people than my self? Or is it talking to myself ‘my style’. One will only have to see.
I click a large number of photos, thanks to digital cameras; but for some reasons I only upload the ones I click on my phone – why do I do that? I dunno! But putting up some snaps might be interesting, I guess. They are not too bad as well.
The recent offsite at Shimla I clicked quite a few snaps and almost none of Shimla. I am quite bored of clicking scenery. I life people snaps, emotion snaps and ‘that moment’ snaps. Why? I dunno!
Lets see, let me upload a few. Also the big thing for me is that since a lot of my snaps are of people, I fell almost breach of privacy to upload them. Since I also click when they are not noticing – thanks to 12X optical zoom, I make it a point to first show them the snaps. Some real lovely snaps are therefore quite private. Hmmmmm. What to do? I dunno! I guess I will just start a new blog exclusive to photos.



Well at least there is one snap that I can show you guys. Jispa’s amazing drawing and imagination skills. Do try and guess what she has drawn -------------------------------------------------

it’s actually a snail with a cake on top with a cherry on top of the cake. You figure where is what. Also while we understand the cherry on the cake its up to you to figure out why is the snail carrying the cake. GO ASK HER!