badlav!

Can people change? Fundamentally – can they change?

Well that’s a yes and a no. I am not sure. Now that I am 39 I see myself in many situations where I am advising those younger to me on various issues – parental opposition to love, spouse relationships, boyfriend issues, parenting issues etc. no I am not the oracle or the amazing agony aunt with the power to solve every issue, but I believe that most of the times, a simple ear is enough. I had read this book “if you meet Buddha on the road, shoot him”. It left a huge impact on my life, especially when dealing with these agony issues.

It is a bit humbling to know that, really, I don’t have an impact on other people’s lives. I can impact mine (if at all), and that in itself is a big thing. If at all, people have to take whatever lessons they can take from me and see how it impacts their life. Lessons come in both fashion – thing sthey could do like me or things they shouldn’t do like me. Both are lessons. Here I really miss my dad. I think my dad was awesome. And there was a wealth of experience that died with him. Stuff I could learn about in life. I think if he was alive, we would have fought like hell till I would have been around 30, and then we both would have settled down to an easy truce. We would have found the space for each other and lived it. Sigh… So this blog is my insurance against a vacuum in Jispa’s growth in case she goes far or in case she refuses to talk to me or incase I am unavailable.

So do people change? I have come to the conclusion that yes, people can change. Its difficult for me to say so. Because true nature at the core, in my belief cannot. But it can get layers. Two types of layers – one is a simple channelizing. I have always been aggressive. That is my true nature but I can change from outward aggression to inward aggression. Like the case of this one meeting we had at the gymkhana. There some issues regarding the coach that who had left. A faction was up in arms. It was a tough situation. I remember going in thinking – no point losing temper. We will address every issue that will be brought up. We aren’t doing any wrong and fundamentally, we are ok to resign and give the gauntlet to another one if required. I don’t really need to be working for the swimming pool, if the members don’t want me. So with that I went in and I was happy, I did not lose friends or my temper and the meetings went through a bit of fire but then soon passed over. That was fine. But make no mistake – while I did not shout even once – there was a mad aggressive streak in what I did. Really tough.

The second is the layer of experience. Experience teaches you a lot. It can teach you that your nature is going to screw you in the end and if you don’t change you are in trouble. I guess that’s evolution. And with enough experience everyone knows what works for them and what doesn’t. some idiots will never learn but a vast majority – they always get smarter.

But then Jispa is now trying a third way – genuine trying way. The last six months were hell for all of us. Jasmine, Jispa and I would just not get along on anything. Anything that Jispa did or did not would create mayhem in the house. We wouldn’t know how to deal with it. She would be upset and them I would be upset and Jasmine would be completely frustrated and generally the mood would get really gloomy. Really painful. We tried explaining to het many times, scolding her, arguing with her, sweetly talking to her – everything. There are times when wavelengths just don’t match. But did not give up and neither did she. This time, I had one more chat with her. I explained to her how it is critical to change and how she must. If she wants to do the things that she wants to then she has to do the things we want her to. Oiling her hair before swimming, putting cream on dry skin, getting up in time, eating her food, getting ready on time – everything. Generally being a  good girl. This time she said – sure. Will try to be so.

But I think something inside her changed and she made a huge effort this time around. I had told her – give me 21 days to good behavior. Let’s try it. I read it somewhere that it takes just 21 days of regular behavior to change ones habit. Jispa showed me that a 12 year old can have determination to change and can change. I have changed so much in the 39 years of my life. I can say for sure that 5 years ago I was different from what I am today but it came as a lovely surprise to me that even a child aged 12 can change. All one requires is a determination to do so.

Now she makes a genuine attempt to do what we tell her and in return she gets little more leeway from us. And a lot more love.

People change – they can. 12 or 39. It doesn’t matter. What matters is a genuine desire to do so. I guess if you change and if you like what you get in return for your change – then you will keep the changed behavior. A bit of reward is required. I guess it’s a carrot and stick approach. But change is a must an dit possible.

Bonus – something Jasmine likes to say - Samaj samaj kar samaj ko samjho ye samajhna ek samajh hai, aur samajh samajh ke bhi jo na samjhe, meri samajh me wo nasamajh hai