NOW

Getting stuck at home for 40 days is a real bummer. Mentally it’s a very tiring thing to do. Sit at home and get stuck on a computer with tons of video calls. Wow that is so tiring.

When I was very young, they dreamt of video phones. Phones on which there would be a tiny screen where you could talk to people and see them at the same time. I thought that was a very sci fi thing to happen. I could never believe that this was even possible. Now I am on video calls  whole day long with so many people on it.

We always had Microsoft teams software on the laptop and I wondered why we ever would want it? Now we do so many meetings on teams that’s it gets a bit tiring. But I guess this big event will change the way we fundamentally work. With all this software, we have all now learnt how to use it and be comfortable with it. I guess we won’t be travelling for work meetings for a long time. People will be lets just VC and don’t bother to meet face to face.

This is a good thing. I learnt this from all the startup guys over the last few years. They were all into VC for demo, meeting, everything. So, in my last company I was the only ‘dude’ who was comfortable over VCs. Then a few more in my office got the bug. But it remained a bit of an odd man. Most still wanted to meet the guy on the other side.

This is the third big wave I have had the privilege of seeing in the last 5 years. Three events have happened that changed the behavior of a billion people. First was when demonetization happened. It took a lot of money out from cash and put it electronically. There was a stupid cost that the economy was to pay but it brought to a lot of people the power of electronic cash. It change the behaviour and pattern for a lot of people.

Second – was the Jio launch. Jio essentially made data ridiculously cheap on mobile for entire India. It brought data to a lot of people. People just showed that when access to free data they can consume like crazy. Information and entertainment reached almost everybody I know. This was the big change. Before the Jio launch, mobile and desktop traffic was about 55-45 in mobile favor. After the launch it zoomed to 70 to 80% in favor of mobile.

People consumed everything on the mobile. And the business model had to be changed for every firm. If you are not on the mobile, then you are nowhere. Even today people and businesses don’t design for the mobile screen. Even when data is staring them in the face. I just don’t get it. I have had to lose my cool on so many issues and people when planning for the mobile first world. Sighhhhh.

This is the third big immediate shift that we are seeing. This will be hard on a lot of people. Its going to be difficult for the economy to come back. People are going to be displaced. Jobs will go and people will be forced to reimagine their lives in new ways. It is said that it takes 21 days to form a habit or kick a bad habit. We have going to be locked out for 40 days. A lot of habits are going to change. Lets see how the rebound is. Will businesses change forever, will people change forever, or we will just remember it like a wonderfully crazy dream that happened in the past.

Whatever – its interesting to have lived through these times. Our parents talk about the emergency in 77 or the wars that we had. We will talk about moments like this – when overnight money was poof, everyone was mobile and the world was inside, scared. Wow. I just hope that we come out of this relatively unscathed and then we should be happy about these times and would talk about them with fond memories.

The other thing we have been lucky in our family is that I amassed a big range of games to play. A lot of board games. So that’s a good thing but also, I don’t think my family love sit as much as I do. Sure, they play but it’s not like a highlight for them as it is for me. I love playing these games and it gives me great joy to play/ win lose fight and have a jolly good time. I would love it if I could retire and continue to wake up, play badminton, go to Starbucks drink coffee (yes, I am dreaming), read a few books, have a few meetings to help startups, teach a few colleges, play board games, swim in the evening and then go to sleep. That’s my retirement plan.

I never thought that I would plan for retirement nor did I ever think that I would retire. But I guess this is my dream retirement. Travel the world? I dunno. I don’t have that big ambitions. I would rather play my life, mentally and physically and get tired by the end of the day.

BTW an old friend popped up. After a long time. She had done some courses in yoga and then learnt about beinga teacher and the she did special yoga therapy and boom she is some fancy ass teacher who can do therapy and heal you. Randomly she decided to help me with my knees, post op. That was mighty kind of her.

She was a good friend, probably still is but we aren’t in touch and I think when we do randomly connect, we just kind are kinda warm towards each other. Not much to say or share, just a warm nice hello. But that’s not the story. The story is that she is a really good therapist. I am so amazed. Suddenly at the age of 33 or so she decided to do this, change her profession and dedicate herself to this. Wow.

At first, I was like – there is no way I can do something like this. But when I thought a bit about it. Well, well, that is exactly what I have done. I went after digital, learnt new tricks and transformed my skill sets and redefined my career. Ok. But I am still might impressed with her. And yes, I feel very nice when an old friend calls you to help you out – unconditionally.

Randomly another friend called me – this one is plague. This one is a multi-level marketing guy looking to sell you something on the side to make money. You are nothing but a sales pitch. Oh god, does he not know he is so predictable? Does he not know?

But you get all types. All experiences. It’s a good thing. These are interesting times. Hopefully we come out stronger. Yup, I have faith in the power of the human being if left to his own imagination. We will have to work extra hard to be on top of the change we see. It’s difficult but it’s not that impossible. I did it, she did it. You do it. Now.

dead men walking

When I was growing up I lived in Dubai and obviously I grew up in a privileged environment. I realized how privileged I was when I returned to India from Dubai as kid. I have written about it in my past blogs that I was super pained about India and all the adjustments I have had to do. Sometimes I wonder how mom and dad managed to make the transition from desi economy to petroleum economy and back to desi. What I remember of it was that they adjusted very well. From a Toyota Crown he went to a scooter with a buggy attached and he was happy taking his family across town, roaming around and getting back to the humdrum of Mumbai life. I remember thinking about how cool kids we were to be ‘Dubai returned’ and that how many times we had flown on an airplane. That was super cool. In an era when AC travel was the ultimate luxury, airline travel was the greatest thing ever, and I in my 9 odd years had flown 18 times. Hah! I am too cool.

I also remember feeling rich and cool when I took Jispa and Jasmine on a vacation via a flight! Cut to the last vacation when to experience train travel we came back from Delhi via train and that felt cool. No matter how unique our experiences, over time mind adapts to everything and they aren’t so cool anymore. The novelty wears out and you get back to the humdrum of the known.

This last two weeks, I had the privilege of going to the US. I have always wanted to go to the US. US is the final frontier. It’s the greatest land ever, where arguably the greatest civilization ever existed, in the history of mankind (my proclamation, not backed by anything factual). It is an unsurpassed rich nation with supreme military prowess. It built this great nation, uniquely – only by immigrants. It is the ultimate example that you can build a great nation by attracting the best of the best from all over the world and only those hardy enough to make the journey will make it there and therefore natural selection will ensure that the collection of these individuals make for a great nation state. Amazing nah? NO. not so. The new world were not one but two. Even the South Americas were used as an occupation land by essentially the same mix of colonizers from Europe, but not to the same effect that US has had.

The argument is that US firmly believed in the simple adage that men govern themselves best when left to themselves. They actively hate higher government involvement and want as less of governance as possible. Also – they simplified and cleaned up their land records to allow the squatters to simply claim the land and move on. Both these forces acted as a catalyst and along with an amazing wealth of natural resources, the North American region experienced a wave of prosperity and domination that the world has probably not seen before. Possibly it was also lucky that it was so far removed from the rest of the world that the world wars never reached it shores ( barring – one Jap airplane, a few random bombs and pearl harbor). It was able to keep its industry intact and keep producing for the rest of the world.

The Arab states also got a rich natural dividend in the form of oil and so did Venezuela and some Nordic states. Except the Nordic states which decide to invest it returns in the form of a sovereign fund held on behalf of its citizens the rest have no real greatness to show for it.

All said – THE US OF A is a dramatic story of our times and is the Ultimate destination for the ambitious. It was a fascination for me for long. The few countries that I wanted to visit. I have been lucky that through my travels thanks to my work, I have been able to visit a lot of countries and see the places. It has always been an exciting learning experience. When I was growing up, I never did realize that I would one day be able to see all these places. I remember the first time I got to go to London on a work visit. It was the place that my dad worked for a year or so before I was born and I thought it was amazing that after so many years I managed to go there. It was especially special for me as for some vanity led reason I was excited to travel there in business class. Of course this was the crazy cheap money fueled boom of 2004 till 2008 and travel was cheap and money was cheaper.

This time I was excited to travel to San Francisco on work. My job was to go as a part of a delegation and meet the hot tech companies for US dominating the world. Google, Facebook, AirBnb, Adobe, Microsoft, Oracle, uber etc. It was an amazing line up and promised to be an amazing experience. And it was. Now that I am back, I am full of stories and insights and thoughts on how to change the world. But that was expected. What I found every interesting is not to understand how the tech works. That one can sit in India and surf the internet and get a sense of all the tech driving the world. But when I went to SFO, I realized how the air is over there. There no one cares how big you are. Everyone believes that you are just one innovation away from disruption and obsolescence. The people all think big and solve world problems. No one is looking at small issues. I also realized how the tech is real and the tech is now. We always knew about the tech of self driving cars and other applications of Artificial intelligence but when you go there you realize that when the world’s best companies with the world’s best people are putting their brains on the problem, the pace of the adoption of technology is greatly accelerated and can be real faster than what one can imagine it to be. It’s crazy there. This makes one feel that the impossible is now and achievable.

I am reminded of the cheesy dialogues of the movie Raees in which Shah Rukh khan mouths dialogues that the air of Gujarat is filled with trade, how can you stop it. Here listen to all the dialogues. Almost everyone is filled with the air of San Francisco. The enterprise culture filled with a  belief that all is possible unless expressly forbidden (that too seems negotiable) along with the intellectual capital brought to the place by the two world class universities, makes for a potent cocktail of imagination and achievement.

So my greatest learning is the culture of thought and scale of amibition. And the potent combination it becomes as a cluster when you are able to attract the world’s best all together in one place. SFO is a crazy open culture where I could see first-hand what amazing things an open culture can bring about. In SFO you can be what you want to be without a second glance. You can be brown red or yellow. You can have blue or red hair. You can be a techie or a dreamer or a painter. All feel welcome in the city. I was so much at home. It’s a good thing that I was there for 12 days. It gave me a chance to breathe the city and feel it from the core. It was quite a rich experience.

But here also, the first few days were heady and as time wore on, one got used to the experience and it ceased to amaze me as such. One of the things I always seem to think of when I step on a foreign locale, I think to myself ‘the laws of physics work the same’. Hah. That’s something I have always thought to myself. It’s a way of saying – its ok… it may be the most beautiful place or the most intersing coveted place or the richest country in the world – at the end – the laws of physics apply equally and you feel equally heavy or light as you take your first few steps. It’s something that I always think of. I think it keeps me grounded as I explore the city.

The fun bit – when I fly into the US, a friend knows a friend who is some senior person and I got upgraded.. to first class. So if I went to London on a business class ticket – I managed to reach the Americas on a first class seat. That is one thing one get used to. Some small confusion ensued on the way back and I was relegated to the economy section. Bah! I did get first hand experience what a 16 hour flight feels like as a common man. Short answer – not pretty.

All said – an amazing experience which I have recanted many times to many people already. It’s good this way as now it will stay fresher in my head. Soon enough I have to make notes on this to present to various different people. Hopefully I would be able to condense these experiences in a way that is engaging and relevant. I loved the chance that I got. I look back at this and realize that this is also a function of the thought process that I bring to the table and the ability for me to think imaginatively and help people. I owe this strictly to myself, while of course I will have a million to thank for.

I also figure that now that I am reasonably senior and that I have reached a higher level in corporate life, a lot of eyes are at me and that they must be looking at me wondering how I got here or how big I must be – going to SFO and meeting different people and understanding tech. I think it’s my role to now talk to a lot of people about my experience and teach them about what I Iearnt. I spoke yesterday to all the management trainees at lunch and I explained to them that all their jobs are going to change in the next ten years. I explained that all their jobs will be automated and that the world as they see it will no longer exist in tier work lives. When I joined the workforce there was no internet and there was no automation. Now the world is changing fast and the workforce skill sets are completely different. Of my last 20 odd years of working, only the last 7 have some value and that is also getting fast obsolete.

It’s going to be interesting to be relevant in a fast changing world. Who will win at the end of it all is anyone’s guess. The kids were then asking me ‘so what should we do now’. I don’t know, was my honest answer. I don’t know what will be there in the future, but one thing I know for sure – it won’t be what you are doing for now. Be aware and always look for something new to do. Things are moving, recognize them and try and be on top of things. Be ready to encourage change and be ready to move in new directions.

Change dear boy change. The future is now and you don’t even know of it yet. I see dead men walking.

the old will inherit the earth

There is so much to learn from everyone and everything. A few years ago when the founder of the bank I worked in, was given a kabaddi team to own and manage, he turned to the marketing head and he in turn, turned to me. I jumped at the opportunity. I had in my team a marketing resource who was ready to work on it with me. Later on, I migrated him full time into the team and now is the CEO of the team. Yesterday when I met him at the match venue, it was amazing to see him grow into an independent manager and he had managed through the force of his strong will and extremely amiable personality to run the fortunes of the team around. While being a part of this team’s journey and process, I too learnt a lot about the complex business of sports and the even more complex business of talent management.

When the coach and the captain are at cross roads who do you back? The answer is not so easy. When you have to choose one, who do you choose? The Indian cricket team was at this dilemma some time back. They had a captain who was young, aggressive and energetic. A player who might finish as one the greatest ever and a team who was moving into a brand of aggressive cricket, not seen by Indians before. This cricketer, Virat was given a free hand and he set upon destroying and rebuilding the team in his aggressive mould. He was the first captain we saw in a long time who decided to play 5 bowlers in a test match. This is serious aggression. The norm was to go in with 4 bowlers so that you can pack an extra batsman. Batsman typically help you consolidate your match while a bowler is what you go for when you want to force the game. Batsman react and defend and then wear down the opposition to win you the match. A bowler in a test match plots to get the batsman out and win the match. Bowlers are the artillery and batsmen are the moat for a test match.

Then news filtered out from the dressing room that the captain was not getting along with the coach. The coach was Anil Kumble, possibly one of the greatest players of the game. He was not too long ago an aggressive leg spinner with a different bowling style and was India’s go to man in any match situation. Leg spinners are an aggressive wily breed. They have deception, flight and variation; plus they love getting hit. The more a legspinner gets hit the more he loves it as that increases the chances of getting wickets. Also Anil Kumble for the first Indian test captain to start giving it back to the Aussies real hard and in Australia. He took on a side that was being built in the aggressive mold by Ganguly and then pushed it over before turning it to his successor. He added discipline, team work and aggression to the team.

Then immovable object met unstoppable force. When Virat and Kumble sparred, the board was forced to choose. They choose Virat. Kumble was asked to leave and another ex indian captain, known to leave a lot to the captain was taken in by the team. Which is the mot question. Who is the boss? Is it the coach or is it the captain. Cricket is different from football. In football, its not that important to have a great inspirational captain. You cant really control the pace of the game and strategize while at play. You practice set pieces and then the team executes them on the field. Cricket is almost all captain. The captain makes a decision every ball. He has the ability to set the field, make bowling changes and give instructions to the bowler every ball. He can decide to force the pace of the game or slow it down. He controls the batting order and keeps the strategy flowing. A captain is integral to the team and the coach has limited role to play while the match is in flow.

Kabaddi is also a bit of that. Every raid or defense, the captain controls the team on the mat. My kabbadi team is in a similar dilemma. We have had our share of captains and coaches. The moot question is facing us right now. Who is the boss? The captain or the coach. Who is the boss? We face this dilemma in office as well. It’s the work ethic versus the personality ethic question. Who is right?

The role of the star player is to perform but within the strategy of the coach. In kabaddi the coach very clearly told the star captain – don’t attempt the bonus against the corners, there are ankle specialists there. The captain promptly went and did just that and got out – twice. So now what happens? Who gets the boot? The coach or the star.

There is no easy answer to this. I have my answers but I also know in my heart that they are not so black and white, and definitely not easy. It comes from a perspective of the immediate ambition or long term health. My answer is easy – you have to know what the system that you are trying to create. To me the right answer is that the coach is the absolute total authority and that he manages the team and the strategies and that he is the right person in such situations. I have always believed that process over personality in the long run. But that also means that I have by definition removed the personality from flourishing. That is a serious mistake to make. If you remove the personality then all you get is clones who are designed to simply follow orders and commit themselves to the process. This is the start of the bureaucracy. Look at me. I want the process for everyone but I want personality for myself. Such a two faced ass I turned out to be. Personalities are important as they take society forward, they take companies forward, they break norms and they challenge status quo. But Process is important it brings predictability to the process and they have the ability to give consistent results. The theoretical answer to this that the coach’s job is to put in a process that people follow but also allow personalities to emerge and flourish.

There, so easily said. But so difficult to follow through. In fact I think it’s impossible to do it. The problem is this is so easy and apparent in hindsight. Hindsight. It is impossible to see it coming when you are leading the pack in a certain direction. This is the bleeding edge of leadership and team dynamics. How to allow mavericks to perform within bureaucracy – consistently. Now that I look at myself, I don’t understand what I am. I am a personality and a process guy all rolled into one. I want process but I also know that personalities exist and for a good reason. For myself, I allow my personality to flourish and manifest in various situations at various points of time. But at the same time I firmly believe in the power of process to make things work. The ability to constantly follow a norm and a pattern so as to get the efficiencies of scale and predictability. The plan must work. Like a bowler who consistently bowls a nagging line outside the off stump to irritate the batsman more than getting him out. Or a batsman – like me who was not so good in the A team but played a 45 over match. Here we scored heavily in the 20 over but lost wickets and I got my batting as the 8^th or 9^th batsman in the 22^nd over. I batted like a joker and refused to play any shots as my job at that time was simple – bat out the 45 overs and tire and frustrate the opposition. That’s process and personality for you. I made the process of shutting out the game and not playing my natural style for 23 overs my personality. Process over personality.

This is one of the yo yo issues. As I said before, the cop out is to say – know when to use what. Or even better – the process must allow for mavericks to be within the process and shine. All this is easy consultant speak and impossible practical implementation. Managing people is an art and science at the same time. That’s why at different times, different people emerge as ideal leaders. Some do well in a crisis and some do well in peace. The trick is in understanding one from the other. Not in selecting one from the other – just a simple understanding. Because no matter what you select the odds of selecting eth right one is like tossing a coin. You have no real clue on what is really going to work. In hindsight it all comes out insightful and there are learnings to take on board. Going in – it’s impossible to know what to do.

Yet the belief for me is – process still counts. Push for process as without it you are doomed to fail. You cannot scale and you cannot build consistency. As for personality – at all times look to nurture personality. Allow for idiosyncrasies. Allow them to grow without disrupting too many people. They can disrupt the process but not the people alongside. They are important as they are the only ones who can bring about meaningful change. The others follow. Both have their own place in the sun. Balancing the two is a fine act. There comes the tyranny of ‘or’ versus ‘and’. Very few people can manage ‘and’, for the most of us it is an ‘or’ choice. That’s why when people manage ‘and’, magic happens. That’s why we have so few of these cases and that’s the reason when it happens, history gets rewritten.

As I have grown older I have realized that I am an ordinary mortal soul in the universe. I may not be destined for greater things. I am a simple father setting in motion a set of things for others to build out of. I see no greatness and I have no pretense of one. It will be difficult to do / achieve anything spectacular. In office, I am sure there are 30,000 people who love to be one day reach my level. But that is not greatness or anything to be proud of. It’s a passage of time with common sense.

When I was much younger, I shudder to think of what a hot headed dumb bum I was. Now I know I am a little less of it. I may still be dumb headed but at least I have the wisdom to acknowledge it and hence learn from it. Can you really change so much. I don’t know. May be not. May be you can reduce the intensity but when your guards are down you will again show your real side.

This does sound like a little bit of a depressed post with little hope for change. I don’t mean it to be thus. It is a reflection of the little mental setbacks that I am getting these days, I guess. It’s just a way to make up for the optimism that   I have exhibited in some of my past posts. I think I have written, rather naively about the belief that people can change and that managing people is a simple equation and a question of behavior. I guess it’s not. It’s far more complex than this. People will not change so easily and the group dynamics are far too complex than anything else. Possibly right now, I am in a zone that says, that the answers are complex and that opposites may not reconcile so easily.

Eesh. I now understand why older men are wiser and understand discretion to valor equation. I am growing older and the only wiser thing I know is that no one can really get much wiser …hehehe.

tiny steps

Today morning while Jasmine was dropping Jispa off to school, she called me. Jispa has a question “is religion compulsory? Like is it compulsory to have a religion or in an official form you can leave it blank?”. Hmm interesting thought. “I dont know for sure, but I think its optional to have a religion, but many government forms and school forms don’t allow you to say ‘none’”. “but isn’t it my fundamental right to practice whatever religion I want; don’t we have that as a right?”. “well yes, you have but democratic society moves a little slow for this. See things move slowly. Earlier there was the ballot paper and people who dint want to vote for anyone, went and made two stamps on the paper, invalidating their vote. It was a form of protest in which they also got to the booth and ensured that no one cast a dummy vote on their behalf and they refused to choose amongst the crap. Once the electronic voting machines came in this was not possible and hence the NGOs lobbied for “none of the above”. So now you can press none of the above (NOTA) and exercise your right to vote for no one. Yes – right now, even if NOTA wins the majority, nothing will happen and the politician with the majority is still elected but slowly it will make an impact. It will embarrass people and who knows what this will entail in the future. Similarly, today on the Aadhar card, you can choose your sex as male, female or transgender. This is also a big thing in the long run. These are small steps for now that will have greater impact. Democratic society moves slow but it moves with the collective will of the people. Things today will have impact tomorrow. While you were always free to be an atheist, people happily just put in their father’s religion in the form. Now it will slowly change.” Then I remembered and recounted a story of a friend of mine who married inter caste and had a kid. They fought a lot with the authorities and left the religion on the birth certificate blank.

Read story here http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JTS8yMDA5LzEyLzI3I0FyMDAxMDQ

Yes, democracy moves slowly and that is by design. It’s also something to do with collective will and conscience of the people. Jispa and I went to see the Guardians of the Galaxy 2. We now see super hero movies without torturing Jasmine. It’s been a great thing to have father daughter time outs watching these action movies. Before the movie starts in India, the national anthem is played. This has been a source of much dispute with the liberals objecting to this jingoism and some refusing to stand up. It is after all not mandatory to stand during the national anthem (its hugely controversial). This has issues with the law and the jealous jingots using force on the rationals. So before this movie – one guy was sitting down and he was obviously a foreigner. Jispa looked at me and spoke to me on that. I explained that “yup, you have a choice to stand or sit but yes, the rest of the populace will jam your happiness if you don’t. But more importantly, it is a question of collective conscience. I may not stand for the anthem but I also realize that I am in India and that this small act of sitting is disrespectful to my hosts. Yes, choose to sit that’s ok. But being insensitive about it in public is a bit of a wrong thing to do. Of course we shouldn’t be on our part too irritated about it. He should understand and we should as well. Intolerance towards people sitting is the worst.”

I don’t pray but I also respect that people believe in the stone that placed in the middle of the sanctum sanctorum and I must appreciate that. I must behave in line with the custom, if I choose to be a part of it. If not, I can exercise my choice and sit at home. Mere misguided rebelliousness if no use to society.

I think I have come a long way. When I was young, I wanted to join the army and fight for my country. Then I would stand anywhere, even alone, when the national anthem was being played. I hated local societies as local political shit shat. Today I have done a complete volte face. Now I am a non-believer in the concept of nation hood and a complete believer in local societies. The impact is greatest when local. Local societies can do much more to change their life and that of their progeny than what nation states can do. And that is granted to them by the construct of the law. Change happens in small things and in small steps. It takes the bearings of age to temper the brute of youth. Things are not what they seem and solutions are never what immediately occur to you. Multiple sides, angles and implications are required to understand the impact of anything. It takes effort and sometimes – inaction. Breathe.

lets change

When the child grows up it holds the mirror to the parent. Damn, it’s not easy.

Some conversation with Jispa led to something, led to something and then I asked her – am I protective. She said – yes. You are protective. I asked her for sure. Do you really think so? Come on. I am not protective. I allow you to do stuff and all.

She was like “No. you are protective. You didn’t allow me to use a knife for so long. You said, that I would cut myself and you would have to rush. You wouldn’t allow me to go just like that for a friend’s party. You did not allow me and my friend to go by ourselves for a movie…”. OK STOP.

Dam shit. I am protective. It may be under the garb of being risk averse but I guess I am protective. Damn. I always wanted to be a father who allows a kid to explore, have fun, run around, not bother too much. I ended up being damn shit protective. I thought that I was cool. I would allow her to pierce her ear for an additional earing, I would allow her a tattoo when she turns 18, I would allow her a bike or whatever. But I think the fact that I say, that I WILL ALLOW means that it is required that she would ask me. After that I would do all the research and all the background checks before ‘allowing’ her to be herself. That makes me protective.

It’s been a massive revelation for me. After that conversation, I kept making fun of her, that now I won’t do this and I won’t that, as I shouldn’t be protective. If mommy is going to bajao her then why should I stop it and be protective. She has to learn to fight her own battles.

But I am protective. This has to stop. I can’t be like this. I am the monster that I did not want to be. In fact, I tried to actively avoid it but I guess I ended being one. Of course, I can blame Jasmine for this, but I know the truth. I am wrong. I know it.

So, once I had a short conversation with her. I told her that she is possibly right. I am protective, but I can change. It takes time and effort on my part. My constant telling you that I am trying not to be protective is basically telling myself that. I should try to not be protective at all. Keep it tight. Also, what happens is that kids don’t realize that there are tradeoffs. You can’t get the just the right amount of protectiveness. I want protection now but I don’t want it then. Its desirable but it’s not possible. So far while she was small, it was incumbent on me to be protective so that she doesn’t hurt herself while she grows up. But now, she will have to face the music as she does grow up.

Possibly I am designed to be protective. Possible because as some Freudian level, I may have required this protectionism and strove for it from my elders. Who knows – did I get too much of it, or did I not get as much as I desired from it. That perspective only a third person will give. How can I give it?

A few days back, one kid who whose first job was with me and then she joined me again later after her MBA was talking to me. I am like a father figure to her and it’s a special relationship. She recently colored her hair and for some reason, she sent me a photo and told me – I colored my hair. Sure. It looks good. I assume your husband also loved it. Yes, he did. Then she told me that she thought I will give her a scolding. ME – A scolding for coloring her hair? Why would I do that. I love it. Do whatever you want. It looks pretty. Your stupid husbands and boyfriends have issues with your hair. I never had any such issues with Jasmine. Go ahead and figure. You don’t need my approval for it. Then we discussed further and she said – that she saw me as a super protective dad in her case. I kind of protested. How was I super protective? I would tell her of dangers, coach her, talk to her, but did I stop her?

But I guess the feedback is on the wall and for me to see clearly. I was always a guy who took care and precaution and ensured that people saw danger and understood the risks. But dam shit – I ended up being protective or say – over protective. That’s not what I wanted to be, definitely not. It’s going to be a tough thing from now on for me.

The old adage that I learnt from a book that said – protect where you must, permit where you can. I don’t know. It’s a long journey. Can I change my stripes fundamentally? I don’t know. But surely, I can try and manage and lessen the impact. But if I do change something that is core to me then will I remain who I am or will I at a fundamental level change? Will that change be good or will it break and essential part of me? Most of those under me would possibly say that I was always protective of them. How much will I change? And how much of this will die? No clue. I don’t even know if I will be successful in changing for the long run.

But at least this bit of feedback is good. At the very least – I am aware of what’s happening. Now I am looking at myself and looking to change. Looking to think in a new direction. A direction that I thought I had but quite evidently, I did not. Let’s see. Let’s change. Let’s hope it’s for the better. Let’s hope a new monster doesn’t emerge as a replacement.