This is the first time in a long time that I don’t really want
to write anything and I am really forcing myself to pen down my thoughts. I find
myself very very shallow. All my thoughts seem to be shallow. There seems to be
little meaning in what I am writing.
I think it’s just a question of getting into the mindset and
writing. Writing has helped me think, has helped me learn and has helped me
clear my head. Why on earth can’t I write then. Why should I give up. Jispa got
her report card a couple of days ago. I told her that I want her to focus on
only two things. Math tables and writing essays. She needs to write essays.
Essays help you think, help youw rite, help you weave a story, force you to
think, force you to be creative. It helps yes it does. You can talk for hours
on end but if you don’t write you are nothing.
I must teach myself exactly what I taught Jispa. Right now
work is also pretty much uninspiring. I remember in the 2008 financial crisis, I
had virtually no work. I used the time every day to read and think. I think it
was 2009 when I wrote a blog for every single day at work. First thing write
and then read… read read till lunch and then work some little and go home. I spent
so much time thinking and reading that it helped me for years to come. Right now
the mindset is missing. Am I growing old? Am I losing the edge that I have or should
I say had? Of course my ego won’t allow me to admit that same or even I think
not allow me to deteriorate that much,. all I need is a little nudge knowing that
I am probably not as good as someone else in one specific aspect and then… boom…
I will go for the kill. But now I am not even being challenged as much I think I
need to be. But then as you grow older you realize that challenge comes with
its own share of issues. No challenge comes without its fair share of risk. And
the older you get risk changes in meaning. When you are younger the biggest
risk is that of being embarrassed. You are insecure and you are always
wondering what is it that will make you feel funny. But as you grow older, at least
as grew older, I changed a fair deal. Now embarrassment doesn’t really bother
you. I know how to deal with it, how to have a sleight of hand, how to laugh at
yourself, live with it, pick up and move on!
That’s amongst the best learning I have had. Relax, deal
with the barbs being thrown at you. Swing it, move it, duck and laugh. Also
important is that fact that you realize that moods are transient. They flip,
they change, they swing. You learn to deal with them and you learn to manage
them and you learn to just let them be without thinking too much about them.
Jispa is now 13… almost. She is a big girl. This time we went on a vacation to
Diu and Gir, she was an adult on her own. She knew what she wanted to do, and
she knows how to talk and how to get by. She is in a dam cute phase right now.
She is a child, a lovely child and she is also a young adult. She feels bad,
she doesn’t like being told and she doesn’t like ‘taplis’. She gives it back.
She also needs to realize that she has moods and swings and she will also learn
that her mommy and daddy have these moods. Yesterday night she got a scolding
form me but when she went to sleep, I went and made her smile. She is quite an
adult but I shudder to think that one day she wouldn’t smile that easily back
at me. She will get angry and genuinely so and then not want to talk to me for
a few days, a few months… a few years as well. God knows who will have how much
ego at that point… Hope it doesn’t happen. Hope we remain adults.
No comments:
Post a Comment