random musings of a disturbed mind

This is the first time in a long time that I don’t really want to write anything and I am really forcing myself to pen down my thoughts. I find myself very very shallow. All my thoughts seem to be shallow. There seems to be little meaning in what I am writing.

I think it’s just a question of getting into the mindset and writing. Writing has helped me think, has helped me learn and has helped me clear my head. Why on earth can’t I write then. Why should I give up. Jispa got her report card a couple of days ago. I told her that I want her to focus on only two things. Math tables and writing essays. She needs to write essays. Essays help you think, help youw rite, help you weave a story, force you to think, force you to be creative. It helps yes it does. You can talk for hours on end but if you don’t write you are nothing.

I must teach myself exactly what I taught Jispa. Right now work is also pretty much uninspiring. I remember in the 2008 financial crisis, I had virtually no work. I used the time every day to read and think. I think it was 2009 when I wrote a blog for every single day at work. First thing write and then read… read read till lunch and then work some little and go home. I spent so much time thinking and reading that it helped me for years to come. Right now the mindset is missing. Am I growing old? Am I losing the edge that I have or should I say had? Of course my ego won’t allow me to admit that same or even I think not allow me to deteriorate that much,. all I need is a little nudge knowing that I am probably not as good as someone else in one specific aspect and then… boom… I will go for the kill. But now I am not even being challenged as much I think I need to be. But then as you grow older you realize that challenge comes with its own share of issues. No challenge comes without its fair share of risk. And the older you get risk changes in meaning. When you are younger the biggest risk is that of being embarrassed. You are insecure and you are always wondering what is it that will make you feel funny. But as you grow older, at least as grew older, I changed a fair deal. Now embarrassment doesn’t really bother you. I know how to deal with it, how to have a sleight of hand, how to laugh at yourself, live with it, pick up and move on!

That’s amongst the best learning I have had. Relax, deal with the barbs being thrown at you. Swing it, move it, duck and laugh. Also important is that fact that you realize that moods are transient. They flip, they change, they swing. You learn to deal with them and you learn to manage them and you learn to just let them be without thinking too much about them. Jispa is now 13… almost. She is a big girl. This time we went on a vacation to Diu and Gir, she was an adult on her own. She knew what she wanted to do, and she knows how to talk and how to get by. She is in a dam cute phase right now. She is a child, a lovely child and she is also a young adult. She feels bad, she doesn’t like being told and she doesn’t like ‘taplis’. She gives it back. She also needs to realize that she has moods and swings and she will also learn that her mommy and daddy have these moods. Yesterday night she got a scolding form me but when she went to sleep, I went and made her smile. She is quite an adult but I shudder to think that one day she wouldn’t smile that easily back at me. She will get angry and genuinely so and then not want to talk to me for a few days, a few months… a few years as well. God knows who will have how much ego at that point… Hope it doesn’t happen. Hope we remain adults.

Be counted...

On the 26th of November Mumbai was struck bu horrific terrorist attacks. Of course the ‘lucky’ ones with the news channels on were as affected as any those directly in the line of fire I guess.
There was a protest march organized at the Gateway on Wednesday last. I did not want to march so much as I wanted to see the milling crowd at the place. Jasmine, Sonal (office kid) and I went across at Gateway at 5.30 pm. It was to start at 6. We saw a bunch of sardars setting up a water stall. We decided to ask for if we could help. “of course, seva ke liye humesha welcome”. That was a smart decision. For the next 4 hours we were helping the gang set up the stall, unload the water cartons, set up the tea and rush into the crowd with tea and water. Jasmine has a particularly good knack at serving others. Only she could go right into the crowd, against the flow and serve tea to everyone. To get an idea on the crowd, the road was around 100 meters long and around 30 feet wide at best, and there were more than a lakh of them protesting and marching in around 3 hours. I have no clue how she did it. In the middle I spent a lot of time trying to get the crowd away from overrunning the stall.
I have a theory on why so many came to protest. To be a part of an emotional &social cause and to be counted all one had to do was walk. That was too easy. But people came. And they were deadly angry. Hope it carries till the elections. Then we see.
I did not take any photographs of the place as I was tired of photographers going all over the place trying to catch some action of the place. No sensitivity, only asses with digital SLR’s making a nuisance of themselves. No smiles no acknowledgements, just keep on clicking. Idiots who spend a lot getting the equipment but don’t know even what shutter speed is.
Also while I was serving I noticed that a lot of people understood and responded to jokes/ one liners that I kept giving while serving. The men earlier always understood and responded. The women used to just frown and go cold. This time a lot of women responded as well. They sure are getting more confident and sure of their abilities. This augurs well for the nation. I don’t think too many economists would take this into account. The women are now getting up and getting accounted for as viable productive resources for the economy. They will work, they will shoulder responsibility and least of all they will raise far more confident children. I see it happening everywhere.

Over the week end we went for a walk on the Shilonda trail at the borivili national park. Jispa sure enjoyed it. Her friend from school, Kiara with her momma had joined in as well. Nice place man. I am sure to go there a few more times. Here is the snapshot. The entire trial is like this.
We got Jispa a new larger cycle without trainer wheels. She is now a ‘cyclist’. cool nah. Somehow for Jasmine and me this felt like a landmark.

Check this roadside ice cream stall. Noting remarkable about the stall, but notice that this guy too now offers a variety, albeit small, number of toppings. Right hand front corner has a few jars and the bottle is partially hidden.
Typical winter mornings near Bhakti Park as we go off to the school bus stop. I love it.

random random

This shit is becoming a routine. Every day I come in to office early and the take an interview. I need people and since I come in early I get them in early as well. This leaves me little time for my blog. This blog is something that I cherish so much. Hopefully it becomes a body of work over a large period of time. I guess the trick is to dedicatedly write something or the other. Jispa is of course the most important part of the blog. I doubt if I could have written if not for Jispa.
One other interview was happening and the dame casually mentioned that she blogged. Now we wanted her to show some of the work that she wrote. I just googled her and got to her blog site and submitted that to the boss to evaluate. She passed! Great. But then she got engaged to be married in Delhi so she could not get the job. But goes to show how far a blog can go. There are tons of privacy issues as well. God knows how all read my blog. Who knows who will read and psychoanalyze my blog to figure out what an ass I am? Well as of now I don’t care. I can always turn it off from the Google crawlers and there you are - privacy resumed.
This piece is also written over a couple of sittings. Obviously between interviews. The balance of power has shifted from the interviewer to the interviewee. They don’t even get their CV’s printed these days. But I don’t blame them. I don’t remember the last time I printed my CV. I hardly made my CV since a long time. That’s what you get for being happy and content. Shit will hit you and you won’t expect it!

I redecorated the desk. Jispa was my interior decorator.