It is not possible to know the impact that a book may have on you in advance of you reading it. thats common sense. But i think its also impossible for you to estimate the impact of the book after you have read it. Its impossible. There are so many books that work in mysterious ways over your life. they sometimes just plant a small seed in your head that grows slowly. Very slowly. Then it plants itself in there and then another book comes along, another article perhaps, some life experiences, someone speaking, something… and the tree begins to take root. Then it starts questioning everything else you know or believed to be true.
So many people believe that I am a teacher. I teach and I give so much to people around me. I am constantly trying to teach, explain my experiences and make people understand. They think i teach to give back. Surely thats also what I thought when I started. Teach to give back to people. to the community, to the colleagues, to society blah blah. But today, i seriously doubt that premise. I dont think I teach because I am giving back. I think I teach because I enjoy getting far more than anything else.
Since 13 years I have been teaching in colleges. It has been an enriching experience. Of course it keeps me in some little way connected to the youth but more importantly thanks to teaching, i have been able to teach myself a lot of things. I like to teach a few things that over a period of time, i have known to have the maximum impact. These have become clear in my head as I taught them over and over again. So much so that when i first started out I needed the powerpoint slide as an aid to teach them, and now i know them from the back of my head. This helps me apply them in many ways. If you know the concept well enough, you can apply it many ways. This is a self fulfilling prophesy. Plus when I teach I automatically bring in some element of a book that i have recently read and the impact it has had on me. This i realised later is something that i do and it helps me understand the book even better. So i end up teaching all the time.
I can teach to anyone anywhere in whatever circumstances. I like teaching to any age group. In fact this pursuit of knowledge by giving it to start with (called teaching in normal parlance) has become my standard talking style. So general opinion ranting conversations become quite boring for me and i quickly turn off. So i start connecting only with a certain type of people. these are those who are equally in thirst of knowledge. Some, who are rapt listeners and ask questions from what I teach and some who build on where I talk and further enrich the conversation. These are the only two people I can have a conversation with for a long time. I love the guys who ask tough questions and push the bar on what i know. this helps me further clarify what i am thinking and help me further understand it. I am understanding the topic in its depth as I talk about it.
Most the time such conversations come from a book or a set of books that I have read and then they help me in understanding the concepts better. Then as I understand them, they form bigger opinions in my head and then they feed it in growing the tree. So a book might have a limited impact at the time but then the knowledge you realise is getting used a lot more, a lot of times and then you realise how important the knowledge is and how it affects your thinking. Way after you have read the book.
A weird series of books I read, in no particular order, made me a cynic of colossal proportions. As a kid I was a complete nationalist. I believed in the power of the Indian race. That we are Indians and we deserve to rule the world. I would stand for the national anthem when it was played on TV. I wanted to join the army and fight wars. I dreamt of fighting wars with our neighbours and i dreamt of global conquest. I think i was even enamoured by Hitler (only briefly I think). Of course i grew up not to respect Hitler, but my nationalist tendencies did not wane. Till a long time I knew that our great nation is … great! and that our mother country is well… our mother! Over a period of time i learnt that along with religion, the concept of nationhood is also a deeply flawed man made construct. People were divided on their nationalities and I rejected this distinction as a source of pride. I began to understand that things are not always what they seem and politicians can play a lot of games on their people to stay in power.
Then when I began talking about it, i realised which books helped me form that opinion. Of course everyone can definitely question the authenticity of the books, but then thats exactly the point - question the authenticity of everything you read or hear. The books I read impacted me in more ways than i thought was possible. From a loyal believer to a confirmed cynic. The book - confessions of an economic hit man and the second part that followed made me realise that yes possibly the big one sin power can convince people on a certain type of path of development that is beneficial to the big ones. Oil companies can work in huge monopolistic ways. Money can influence people to change their path of development and media can be manipulated to great effect. Even economists can be manipulated thus. So don't believe whatever you hear from the experts. Everybody has a vested interest.
Then I read about India and the excesses a democratic nation can inflict upon its people. I read - the case of the attack on the Indian Parliament. the indian parliament was illegally attacked while in session by terrorists and while all were shot, the result was an amassing on the border of a large number of military forces in a show of strength to go to war. Two nuclear nations were facing off. WTF. That doesn't make sense. The book brings case after case that possibly the whole attack was engineered by the government just as a ruse to amass troops and send the nation into a tizzy to build up patriotic fervour. The main reason - to win the nest election. The government had come into power after winning a war in Kargil and this was to be an encore. Wow. what a theory. Then i read about Kashmir - a lovely book called Curfewed nights by Bashrat Peer, about his growing up in Kashmir. Then about the naxal movement in a book called Hello Bastar and then another on kashmir called, until my freedom has come. this told me about the state of kashmir and how the government doesn't want us to know of so many things that happened there, in a bid to subjugate the people there. People in Kashmir dont see themselves as Indian or Pakistanis, they see themselves as Kashmiris and both the countries are trying their best to kill this independent feelings. Then i read another book that spoke about the feelings that Kashmiri Pandits have about Kashmir. This was a book called ‘our moon has blood clots’. This is an alternate view from Bashrat.
These books come up many times in conversations and in my mind. It has helped me question everything. everything is simply a state of a mind looking at it. I have argued that reality is completely subjective. No one knows the truth, everything is merely an observation form a frame of reference. I never knew these books would impact so many thoughts of mine and the conversations i would have. With the state of world in constant turmoil, these conversations have increased. Right now in India we have a right wing government. So naturally there are skirmishes led by the far right and seculars are obviously appalled! there is a polarisation in the country between those who believe in our prime minister and those who completely question him. Its a fight between the bhakts and the disbelievers who end up trolling each other. In absence of a credible option to the right wing leader, the disbelievers have no option but to question everything without giving a viable alternative. This is great fun to a cynic like me. I see the jokes on all sides and enjoy the fun. I don't care either way. I did not vote! I don’t care.
to all the books that i have listed above, i want to add that i understood a lot about rightwing governments from the writings of Micheal Moore, a guy who really hated Bush and the Republicans who came into power in the US. He kept questioning all that they did. It was good fun. Then the book “rise of the third Reich “ about the rise of the Nazi party further explained how propaganda and nationalist fervour can be utilised by the politicians.
Wow. these books in some way together have helped me become a cynic. there rae many other books that have also helped - such ‘A real toy story’ about the market for children toys and “sugar, salt, fat” about food producers. Add to all this a book about Jainism and the conversations i have had with other Jains from that knowledge. Wow the formula works, the conversion is complete - i don't believe in anything anymore.
Its easy to be caught up in favour around you. Recently there were terror attacks in Paris. Now France has joined the bunch of western powers in bombing Syria against the rise of the islamic Nation group. Makes me question everything, especially the response. We keep killing each other. When a terrorist group strikes - their objective is to spread fear and terror. They want you to stop going to work, to stop partying, to stop roaming, to stop sightseeing, to stop you from spending and to stop your leisure. they want you to be miserable, cooped inside your homes. they want as much media coverage as they can get and the nation to be outraged. they want you to come after them and make them martyrs so that more such can be born for the seeds of hate. This is exactly what we give them. We get scared and give them media headlines and make a huge story out of it. The greatest response to something like this would be to have everything function just as normally as it would. Nothing must change, concerts must go on, matches must be scheduled and parties must be enjoyed. There is no disrespect to those died by having a partying soon after. In fact that is the ultimate tribute to the person who just got shot in the attack. This way you tell the perpetrator that I will not change by your behaviour. I will do what i think is right. If France was not taking a larger part in the attacks against the IS then this terror attack should not change its stance. Why should it. principals must be so driven by recent turn of events, no matter how powerful they may be. So now I wonder about these attacks.
In the face of attacks on violence can people show some grace? Its a very easy thing to say and a difficult thing to accomplish. Who can forgive whom and under what circumstances. If shit get thrown at you its almost impossible not to attack back. But how can you show grace is something we have to figure. Its a very weird stand that i take. the attacker must be stopped, if possible by using force, and after he must face the law - if it is to be hanged then that is it. But when we do carry out our actions in response to the attacker, can we show grace. Can we not hold our hearts with revenge and scream out for his blood. Can we merely follow the law but keep our hearts clean from revenge and further prejudice.
Recently I read about the Charleston killing where a young white boy entered a black church and killed nine people. He wanted to ignite a race war. The lovely bit came when one of the victims’s sister on the stand publicly forgave him. This prompted some others to forgive as well. It moved some people and some were outraged by it. Which really begs the question who is allowed to forgive whom. these are extremely tough issues and questions. When it happens to me will I show Grace? Grace that is genuine and that is real heart felt. Grace because I feel it from inside and not because I SHOULD feel it.
its funny but this grace comes from a branch of cynicism, knowing that nothing is black and white. no one is really right or wrong. Selfishness is in moving on, staying true to your course and managing it in a way that is in the end simpler for all. Revenge is a strong and dirty motive. It leads possibly no where. Only only a cynic can be cynical about revenge as well. I cynical about everything. Everything is grey… i see it in forms and structures that are morphing all the time as you take a round of it and see it from different angles. It is so difficult to describe. truth is so difficult to describe. So difficult that the only way to describe truth as i see it is simply to say - I don't know.
Such cynicism helped me abort nationality and religion as my guiding factors. As i was reading more about the killings i came across the work of Viktor Emil Frankl who wrote the book ‘mans search for meaning’. he survived the Nazi holocaust and wrote about it, observing that some survived and some didn’t. Some fought and turned on each other and some retained their compassion in the face of the most adversity that has been unleashed on man.
I quote from a summary i found online
“Although most succumbed in some measure to the general apathy and irritability, there were persons who displayed compassion, comforting others and even giving away their last piece of bread. Frankl suggests that the kind of prisoner one becomes depends on some inner decision, not on environmental conditions alone. There is a last human freedom, available in even the most deprived conditions: the freedom to choose one’s attitude toward one’s suffering”
If suffering is real and an inescapable part of life - I still have my freedom left in me. the freedom to choose what i choose to believe in. that belief is mine alone. So whenever I ruminate on whether I am doing Jispa a favour or a disfavour by not putting religion or nationality in her head, i think i must remember this - I am in essence teaching her to choose her attitude. one that is rooted in her own belief, that come about from a broad range of thought and teachings and experiences. One that is hers alone. Giving her the Freedom to choose her own attitude to the environment is possibly the greatest freedom she could ever get.
So when people ask me - suggest a good book to read. What can I say? Which one book has had an impact on me? Can one book really have that much of an impact? then you are probably reading too few or chasing rainbows or worse still - too dumb to really understand what books are meant to do.
Its not easy to get knowledge or information. Rather its very easy to get it - one just has to be receptive towards it. One has to think about it and take it in all the time. No one book condenses all the world’s knowledge. You need a multitude of them. Here is the parable of Jesus
The Parable of the Sower
4 Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water’s edge. 2 He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: 3 “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”
9 Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”
10 When he was alone, the Twelve and the others around him asked him about the parables. 11 He told them, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables 12 so that,
“‘they may be ever seeing but never perceiving,
and ever hearing but never understanding;
otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!’[a]”
13 Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? 14 The farmer sows the word. 15 Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16 Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19 but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20 Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”
I can teach anything, from whatever I know. Sometimes what people just want one interesting book or one interesting thing. then they promptly trow it away. they don't read the book I give them. No one reads. they all pretend or want to… but they don’t. Hence i stopped giving books. If you want knowledge, you have to want it enough to buy it yourself. Some take it, read a book or two or apply that knowledge in some half baked way only to throw it away at the first chance they get. It never did take root in their brains. I have seen this happen the moment i leave a job, the team is broken up and some remember what made the ir work successful and some just simply give it up and let go of the fact that made their thinking clear. It was never rooted. It may have been enthusiastic but never rooted. Only those who took the seed into the soil, nurtured it with their own thinking, asked questions, read more and more, applied it in many places and built their own tree took it to heart. they aske door books to read and decided on reading it themselves or buying other books. they came back with more recommendations and more reading lists of their own. knowledge got spread.
These last people enriched me a lot more than the others. IN way all were enriching because even talking to a rock would help you clear your min, but the others questioned and belief can only be strengthened by erudite questioning.
In the face of this i wonder why some people don't share as much as they can. Share, only by sharing will you learn, will you be abel to push the boundaries of whats possible and whats not, of your own knowledge and imagination. You will learn from yourself and from your own mind. you also do not know what your mind is capable of and what it stores. After all these books who knew what i would pull out. Only by talking to people and feeling eh environment around me in the wake of the book that i am able to understand what the books are about. What the knowledge is about.
another Jesus quote: “Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don’t you put it on its stand? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let them hear.”
So give up, get back and try to show some grace. I am trying. I understand it may not be easy to forgive but it is definitely not to tough not to hate.
Bonus: here is President Obama after the Charleston killings singing Grace. Amazing Grace.
A big inspiration for a lot of the work written here on the Charleston killings.
http://time.com/time-magazine-charleston-shooting-cover-story/
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