shit changes you

Over the weekend I went through two types of life changing events. Ok – too much drama. But they were experiences that would allow me to think through on issue sthat could potential change my thinking for a long time to come.

I took a few of my colleagues to design yatra. I am sure I would have blogged about this crazy amazing conference in the past. This is a place where I am a pretender in a place full of crazy designers and artists, I am a stand out stupid guy. I have no talents in this and I hope at best to at least appreciate the fact that there is beauty in what people do and value in art for art sake in whatever we do.

I am in the middle of being wooed by multiple people to join them. And I am thinking, should I leave, should I join something new, should I build on something I already have. Money is important but only so much. After a point its not about money but a chance to create something new and beautiful. Over the last few years I have come to the conclusion that marketing is a wasted field. What the world needs for now is product supremacy. It’s the product that needs to succeed. Product necessarily flow from great design. In our finance world where we don’t sell anything real or tangible (money is such an abstract concept). We need a serious reason for people to love our product. This is where design comes into place.

I have been thinking that wherever I go, as a next jump or wherever, whenever I am able to create my own little ecosystem, it will definitely be a place where I would want to build my team, have freedom to work, interact, get in amazing talent; fire idiots dragging the system and build a good place to work. If take up one more job at one more place, I would be building more of the same shit. New place, same shit, just a little more money. I want a lot more money but a chance to build something of real value.

Where I go they would want me to start asap, start showing results immideiately, and get cracking. Reality – it would take me a year to understand the product / problem and build a team that would then begin to start delivering. Then it would take me another year before we actually start to show results. Everyone wants an overnight sensation, not knowing how long it took to build it. Most overnight sensations are ten years in the making. Ten years.

So the design festival helped me realize and reinforce in my head my ideas of how great companies are actually built. By building great products that people want in the end. Today most of the big success stories that we see, and what most miss is that the products that were delivered were finger licking good. When they diverge from great design, shit creeps in and then all hell breaks loose. It’s funny that my company, group wide, has a marketing review, business reviews etc but no real product review. No really good well designed, lickable product customer interfaces and reviews. My super boss understands money but I am sure, he doesn’t understand what is meant by good looking and great interface products. The question for me is where do I build this expertise as decide my future course of action.

Cut to Mumbai. I fly in from Goa early morning to attend an AGM for Matunga Gymkhana. It was public lynching at its best. We haven’t learnt from history that democracy can give rise to the worst of dictators. Hitler was a democratically elected despot.  In an AGM the person who can shout the loudest and incite crowds can sway the opinion. In a democracy there is the tyranny of the majority which can be used to suppress a saner but quieter opinion. That is exactly what happened. Logic and anything be damned. Louder voices ruled.

I was wondering what happened. I was quiet throughout, unlike my natural self. I only spoke once and I thought I made sense and I spoke for the greater good. People understood and the stupid conversation and fighting stopped on that one point. But then the asst. secretary opened his mouth, once again and then all hell broke loose. Every time he opened his mouth the meeting would extend by another 40 minutes.

But today after good introspection, I realized that even silence has a role. If I had opened my mouth and be drawn into these issues I wouldn’t have been able to see this game. I wouldn’t have been able to see how the few manipulate the large. It is a well thought of strategy relying on rhetoric and oratory. It is mind numbing how the majority are swayed by this. I too have been guilty of this in the past. I have been swayed without the understanding of consequences.

Real life is difficult, complicated and not without consequences. Most of which are unintended. The process of democracy is slow and painful and we must protect it at all costs.

I wanted to resign, I drafted the mail and sent it to my friend. I haven’t yet sent it to the gymkhana. But I think… should I or should I not be the lone voice of sanity and be there and grind it out or should I get out and focus on new things. The learnings are tremendous but I have to hold in my natural instincts and reign in initial response. I would need to be measured and studied. That is the right way to play the game. Let me think.

Who knew that a weekend in variety would prove to be enough food for thought, my friend.

please peace, inner piss

Yesterday I had a nice conversation with a friend. It wasn’t exactly pleasant but it was very interesting or me. I have the gift of talking and spouting gyan. Earlier I used to think that I was reasonably intelligent and I would likely have the solution to all of mankind’s woes. As I grew older and alas, wiser, I realized that no such shit exists. No one has answer to anyone’s woes.

I have written about this – there a beautiful book that I read “if you meet the Buddha on the road, shoot him”. Fundamentally answers lie within you. Inside of you. And mostly it futile trying to tell answers to anyone. through the book I learnt one clear thing – people come to you to talk / for advise / for love / for understanding. You can’t give any, if you really care about the person. You can only tell about your stories in life and about the issues you faced and the principals you learnt in your life and the questions you asked of the world and of yourself.

Yesterday was a n hour long conversation. It was the most beautiful conversation in that sense. I realized that I had grown up and alas (yes, I know its repeated) wiser. The whole conversation, I simply explained various situations in which I dealt with shit and how I dealt with situations and the experiences I got while growing up. The choices I made and the nebulous nature of life that I understood. Not once did I give an answer or a direction.

My friend was able to decipher for herself the meaning of what she was asking for me. I may give an answer, and maybe by sheer power of nature, it might be the best / right answer; but the real answer is always the one in which you arrive at yourself. You can ask for multiple suggestions, advice and experience but it will not count till you arrive at it through your thinking process. There is always a time for an answer to get inside your brain. I always tell Jispa – of course listen to me but more importantly – don’t listen to me. Learn on your own. Listen to me only to replay what I said later on in your life when you might realize its truth. For now, just store in your head. Appreciate the experience that I bring but then quickly discard it for your action. Then replay and hold the consequences against what I said – and decide what was right.

At the end of the conversation – I told – I sound like a guru nah? Not because I am right but because 60% of what I say, it is likely that you will forget. You will remember 40% of which half will turn out right. That is a total of 20%. Now that id worse than tossing coin for advice. The remaining 20% will never be fructified as you will likely be dead in the hope of seeing it come true. You will say – that this is true but I have just not experienced it yet. This is the true math of a guru. Say enough obscure far reaching sounding,  profound clouded, shitshat. 20% true, 20% waiting to be true and 60% forgotten. Say to a larger base and everyone will find their 20% and soon amongst the audience as a collective all 100% will be true – just broken up in each guy for their own 20%. Did you get the math?

But not the gurus are bad. You got your 20% right? And you felt you got your 100% also. So what gives… give the guru some dakshina, love him to death, put him on a pedestal and voila – you have found inner peace through randomization.

Inner peace is not that difficult to achieve. I also wonder what the purpose of life is. I guess there is no purpose really. So play board games and enjoy. Which I why I have been buying board games and playing them. I want more GAMES MORE GAMES. I have bought quite a few and I have a huge wish list on Amazon – I keep adding. I get some crazy joy in board games. Sit one whole day and play games after games, till the end and sleep. We were born on this planet to play games.

Life became far more bearable and the Machiavellism of the players became such a joy to watch, as long as you think of it as a game. Everyone has their reasons. They don’t align to yours. They never will. Align yours to yourself in harmony with the world and dingalangaling – inner peace!

Such an elusive concept. Also called in good ol’ colloquial hindi – bhaad mein jaaye. Or ‘go to to hell’. Simple.

kya relevance hai!

Today on a happy day, my phone was getting a reboot and I switched on the radio. I have a love hate relationship with the radio. The dumb RJs with dumb programming and irritating advertising that doesn’t connect with anything. Luckily for the new retro channels which play some good (my age) music and thanks to the lack of advertising, have some interesting programming. They are getting some good guys to come in and chat with on the radio channels who are talking about the music they created or the movies they were in with some real life insights and anecdotes. This makes the programming so rich. Like today some lady (I did not catch the name) was talking about RD Burman (always) and Asha Bhosle (again almost always) and the song Jaan – e – jaaa… oh meri jaane jaaa…. Nisha aaa aaa aa

It was a song that I was listened to as a kid. It was a fun song in which I think as kids we used to cream aloud and dance. It was released in 1982 – when I was about 7, which is an impressionable age. It was an awesome song then and is an awesome sing now, but what a singer who has worked with the music director RD Burman said, made me hear the song in a new light. She said that RD tried to get Asha to sing like a musical instrument in the song. She was talking of some musical instrument (she was also not sure) in which there is pedal or something and the noise oscillates in waves. I did not understand what she said till she sang the song on radio. I came to office and I played it and now that I understand it a little better, I have come to appreciate it a lot more. In the song Asha sings – Jaan e jaaaaaaaaaaaa, oh meri jaan e jaaaaaaaaa. As kids we would scream out this aaaaaaaaaaa in a single tone. Its only today I understood that this aaaaaaaaaa sounds awesome because it is here that RD made Asha sing the aaaaaaaaaa part in a wave like oscillation. That is the genius of this song which is so easy to miss the nuance while so easy to love the whole. Which is so impossible to bring out for an untrained singer. At least while I was singing to myself, I could clearly hear myself make a complete hash out of it.

Here listen to the song and pay attention. Of course, forgive the poor Kamal Hasan dancing like a twerp in the song and the stupid bike entry, largely forgiven purely by Reena Roy’s awesome smile and oh so lovely long hair with the stylish fringe. It’s like a complete reconciliation of the traditional beauty and a touch of modernity. And of course do not miss the scene in which she dreams about kissing him all over with him being left with lipstick marks all over his face, but no marks on the oh so sensitive lips! The confusion of 1982 India is to be seen to be believed in this movie song.

Over a period of time I have learnt to respect the Bollywood film industry as the best marketing brains in the country. It is not possible to deliver a hit without really identifying with the core audience and having a pulse on their attitudes and dreams and desires. Movies that become hits are the ones that connect with the audience, without which the audience is very clear – he is not going to part with his money and time.

In fact, while I teach marketing, my favorite lecture is in which I explain how movies and heroes have gotten their marketing right to become super stars. They connect with the screen personas with carefully nurtured off screen personas. This is the example I use to explain how super stars like brands have to mean one and only one thing to the people and the closer they are to one thing the closer they are to real meaning.

Another song that played on the radio was from Arjun. A movie released in 1985. This was when I was ten years old and I remember that era of India when there was NO hope. None what so ever. You could only get rich if you were corrupt or tyrannical or a goon or all of the above. You could get educated but there was nowhere to go once you got educated. There weren’t enough jobs and whatever jobs were there were gone to people with some influence or some friend to recommend them. It was a complete wasted generation in many ways. This movie reflected the anger of the youth. These young guys were obviously educated and were looking for jobs. The main hero leads a gang of young men, all in formal dressing, as they are all looking for jobs and want to be employed. What I remember of the movie is that they don’t get any employment and are just hanging around the neighborhood. It captures multiple emotions. The movie touches a raw nerve – that your youth is good and powerful. They study and they are unemployed because of society and not because they want to remain so. They have an energy that must be harnessed. The youth in the movie at first are seen as a nuisance as they roam around unemployed and then as the villains strike, the same youth use the only the only thing that god has given them (their youth) and fight back. Now the transformation from young, lost and unemployed to young, hailed and purposeful is complete.

At the end even the father comes and tells his child that he was right. It sent a signal to the young and unemployed that they were not wasted but were a being wasted thanks to the system. The feeling was universal and as I saw up on Wikipedia the movie was then translated into multiple languages showing how the issues were widespread across India.

Here is the song – mamaiyo kero kero kero mama

Mamaiya Kero Kero Kero Mama - Arjun (1985... by TalishaHatcher

The entire song is set in  public spaces with the gang bordering on lawlessness and at the end you also see the hero riding a Pitch roller which is being pulled by his team, in the middle of the Mumbai roads – How’s that for complete cock a  snook at the system.

Its funny why this clip is on daily motion and not on youtube. Must be some royalty quirk. A movie like this, no matter how well made would just have no relevance today. Kids find their love soon enough and get drafted into the system that is giving them some jobs, mobile phones and T shirts to order and wear. They don’t need to use violence to save the society. They probably just need a cell phone camera, or a tweet then and then some social shares.

Check this

meeting the master

Lets start with something crazy

Reality is what we take to be true,” pioneering physicist David Bohm asserted in 1977. “What we take to be true is what we believe. What we believe is based upon our perceptions. What we perceive depends on what we look for. What we look for depends on what we think. What we think depends on what we perceive. What we perceive determines what we believe. What we believe determines what we take to be true. What we take to be true is our reality.”

What I take to be true and what I therefore believe my reality to be is largely shaped by the one man in my life that I met and had the good fortune to work with. Dharen Chaddha. I worked only for a year with him in consulting only to come to a conclusion that consulting is not the thing for me. I would much rather prefer the boring life of a working doer than an intellectual life of a great consulting master.

But the main point is that Dharen gave me almost all the intellect that I claim to enjoy today. The best part was that he did not do it by trying to teach me or by trying to inculcate something in me. He was just there. He did what he did and I could just not help but be affected by it. His presence was enough. I merely worked with me and then later on inculcated in myself all that I thought I could learn from him. Reflection, silence, thought, ability to paraphrase conversations, patience, taking people along, using wisdom received from others, actively listening, believing in the books people write… everything. In short, I would say I learnt to think from him. That is the greatest gift anyone can give anyone else. The learning on how to think. How to approach, how to behave…

I am an atheist or an agnostic, but I have a God, and I have met him. He stays in Bangalore.

I haven’t had the chance to meet Dharen in the 13 years since I left the firm. How could I? What does one do when one meets God? How can I talk to him? What do I talk to him? I would feel so weak and so dead. What would happen when I meet him. Hence I must have spoken to him only a few times in the 13 years. But I never ever had the guts to ever meet him.

Hero worship is a funny thing. You can worship someone forever and have a dronacharya – eklavya relationship but when they come in front of you, you don’t know what to do. Dharen is my hero. I want to think like him, work like him, communicate like him. I am nowhere near as good as him, but I want to try and bring in the best of what I can inside of me, what I have learnt from him.

So this time, I was with family in Bangalore, I messaged him and he promptly called back. With family, I had an incentive… I wanted Jispa to meet him once. I wanted to show her my God, my inspiration and a lot of credit for what and where we are right now. So we did plan to meet him. I asked Jispa “you want to meet my God?” I told her about Dharen. She knew a bit and she knew that I treat him thus. She was ok. I explained to her that he was the greatest influence on my life and my thought so far and I would love for her to meet him once, at least. She was game.

When we went there, as we were reaching I was wondering how I would react. The mere thought of him would bring tears to my eyes. Now I know what Elvis fans would feel like. Many times whenever I have spoken about him to anybody or thought deeply about him, I can’t help the tears that come in my eyes. I choke up and it’s difficult to control. So I was wondering how I would survive meeting him. What would happen, would I just break up, would I just collapse, what would happen.

As we reached his home, he came outside to greet us. There I had to fight back my emotions and stop myself form crying out then and there. Jasmine noticed it and then spoke about it. Ya. That one was tough. So I managed to stay ok meeting him after a long time. !3 years.

The meetings went off well. We chatted on a few things. I have always believed that he struggles to talk to common people. It is difficult for people like him to come down to our level, though I am sure this is something that he will surely not agree to. But I have seen him, think and wonder what to tell or talk. Then he would make his point and it would be laborious as he tries to explain the point he is making, carefully choosing his words. If the person on the other side is not quite as sharp then it would result in a really funny conversation. At momentum, we would laugh at the client’s inability to grasp Dharen’s words of wisdom. People have to move up to appreciate it and to completely grasp the complexity that he brought to the table with his words. Clients struggled, normal people struggled and that was one of the points that I knew was the final clincher as I decided not to consult anymore. If people can’t take the wisdom of Dharen, then I have no chance here. I could not meet anymore jokers and try and convince them on the intelligence of marketing or business strategy. In many ways I thought he was too intelligent and way too sharp for the clients he was consulting.

I then asked if I could show Jispa the study room. Dharen said “sure, but the study room has been shifted to a new room, but let’s see it nevertheless”. We took Jispa up and while we were going up I was telling her about an experience that made me think of Dharen as some kind of super human. We were working on a project in his study that was full of books and then he suddenly asked me to remove one book, that he pointed out. It was “Eldest Son: Zhou Enlai and the Making of Modern China, 1898-1976”. He then took the book and read a few pages from the start and then pointed out to the paragraph he wanted from it and then he asked me to read it. I was dumb struck. It was one book out of the millions he had read and he just picked it from nowhere and then it was a paragraph from this thick book that had struck him. And he had the ability to get it back again. This was Dharen for me. This was the genius I would revere and I would never be able to match up to. This was the legend that I passed onto Jispa.

Then he led us to the study where a smaller fraction of the books where there. As we just walked around, Jispa pointed out to the book – the eldest son. Yes it was there. The same book, that made the legend in my mind. I picked it up and looked at where I had found the passage. There it was – the passage, with a blue pen mark. I showed it to Jispa, there it’s still here, and this is the very same book. At this point or hereabouts, I broke down. Literally broke down.

At this point I just couldn’t control. I was laughing but I was crying also at the same time. It was weird, crying for no reason; a surfeit of emotions running through. I couldn’t pick any reason I should cry except that I was in the company of my God.

What a moment – My daughter on one side, my guru on the other and the book of the legend in my hand and Jasmine looking on.

Afterwards I asked Jispa about it. I don’t think I have cried in front of my daughter before. She said ya – you were laughing and crying at the same time. Short of fainting, she said that I probably behaved like what her friend would if would have met her rock star hero. Yup. Dharen is just that for me.

I was happy that the family met him. I don’t think there would too many instances later. Jispa must know who was one of the most important influence in my life and by that logic – a largish influence on her life.

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When Dharen saw the paragraph in the book that I was referring to he said – Yes. Zhou Enlai was shaped this way as he was the eldest son. I resonated it with that paragraph perhaps because I was also ‘the eldest son’ and that’s why it had an impact on me.

The paragraph from the book -

“Why, why did people love him?” one of two American newsmen asks me that evening. “After all, he made a lot of mistakes. Why is it that people weep when they speak of him?”

It is difficult to say why. Except that, somehow, because of him, we all felt life was worth living. Even when everything went wrong. “Perhaps because he never forgot to care. Even his mistakes were because he cared. He couldn’t help caring. It was bred in him. He was the eldest son.”

Eldest son, eldest grandson. In the Confucian scholar families of China, the eldest son was marked out for uncommon responsibility and duties. The eldest son, or failing him, the eldest grandson, must provide care and education for all the younger male children in the same generation as himself and for their offspring. He must also provide comfort, food, and lodging to the two generations above him, parents and grandparents. He must be a model. A model of filial piety, of traditional virtue, upholding family honor and status, sacrificing himself always so that the family will thrive.

He is the embodiment of the Confucian tradition, the magic bond with the past, his life one of unending care, responsibility and abnegation.

Tsunghuai, a young man of forty, says to me, “I think that Zhou Enlai, throughout his life, was unconsciously marked by the fact that he was eldest son, eldest grandson.” 

A lot of this I think is me but the problem is that I am the youngest son, the youngest grandson. While I grew up I believed that I must be the model of filial piety, of traditional virtue… blah blah…. So that the family will thrive. But there was one problem. I was the youngest son, the youngest grandson. On both sides. The youngest son has a different role to play. He has to be the rebel, the growth, the ability to push it all out. But I was different. I was confused. I held values that were not expected of me. I had a tough time I think in the end trying to balance the two opposites of what I feel and what I should be.

I think a lot of this is the opposites reconciling inside of me when I go about my teaching. I am the older guy but also the youngest cool son. I should have the ability to relate to the kids while giving sage advice as to what to do in life. I think as I grow older I am probably losing that deft touch and that ability to connect with the kids. There is an age a life stage and a role. These need to be relevant to each other to create an impact. I think I had my chance while I was really young and learning along with my teaching these kids. I think I must reinvent myself and look beyond what got me here. What got me here will get me there. Possibly I have to change it just a little, not too drastic, just a little change here, a little there. So I continue to be relevant but yet retain my core that makes me, me.

Gowing up is reinventing yourself every few years, trying to manage the change around you so that a little of you is there while a lot of you is changed. Or risk being irrelevant to the environment around you.