Anger. It’s such a crazy emotion. It gets you nowhere. I have
never my anger ever help me with anything or in any situation. Yet I let it
flow. With my level of thinking and self-awareness, how do I let this happen to
myself? How do I let anger get the better of me?
We Doshi’s supposedly are hard wired to be an angry type. We
have a lot of anger issues. It’s a stupid bloody emotion. Where does it come
from? I have often wondered. Small things can get us to flare up. When I was
much younger, I remember dad trying to calm me down and tell me to remain cool.
My brother and I used to fight a lot. We were two years apart and like chalk
and cheese. I don’t think we have any core values or behavior overlapping in a
Venn diagram. So it was chaos growing up. There were hardly any instances where
he would have my back and would take my side.
One of the things I think he would get really irritated with
me was my anger. When we used to play cricket on the streets, there were always
lots of disputes. Football is an easier sport than cricket. You don’t need a
referee in street football. You simply get rid of the basic hindrances, such as
bad tackling and there, you play the game. It is impossible to play cricket
without an umpire, though.
First of all, there is the LBW rule. This is a crazy rule
which is totally in control of an umpire who must decide if the ball was going
to hit the stumps if it had not hit your leg. Oh freak. This was so contentious
that we simply got rid of it most of the times in street cricket. Then the ability to effect a run out, taking
a clean catch, or simply did the ball travel in line with the make believe
wickets on top of the three stones we put.
Needless to add, fights and arguments were common in street
cricket, as invariably the umpire was a highly biased person from the batting
side. The funny bits would come if the umpire would be biased against his own
side, giving a batsman out just so that he gets his batting earlier. This was
the funniest ever. I learnt to get into fights and argue with the players,
umpires and team mates. It was all par for the course. Keep arguing and
fighting. Everyone did it. One would get might angry doing it. I think I stopped
till one day my brother had enough of me. He pulled me one side and asked me “is
there a trophy or cup for this game that you will get? Why are you arguing?” I remember
that moment till this date. Why fight on these matters.
My brother and I fought on other matters that had
significant importance. So significant that I don’t remember them at all. But
we fought. Like cats and dogs. It would end bitterly, especially as I was the
angry one and he was stronger. Dad would have to get involved numerous times. According
to me, I had a sense of right and wrong. I would hate being wronged. Many a
times Dad would calm me down.
I would hate that. I wanted justice not calming down. Today I
see his wisdom. Dad too had a temper
that I know he spent a long time controlling. He also told me the same thing
that I say today. Anger never helped anyone.
I hate myself these days. Really really do hate myself. I get
angry and it hurts me. I can get angry at people in office doing stupid things
and it can erupt. I can get angry at my family and it can erupt. But I try and
bring it down and refuse to fight so many times. But I don’t know what effect
it might have on me and my health. Is keeping it suppressed the right answer or
reaching an impossible nirvana stage where one doesn’t get angry at all, the
right answer.
Some of my friends wonder how calm I am. That makes me
laugh. I am not calm at all. Over years I have learnt not to let so many things
affect me. Most of the time it’s a simple question – is there a trophy in this
for me? If not – no worries.
The problem is when there is a trophy. At home and at work.
Work is easy. You have to perform or you risk getting out. At home – passions run
deep. I think I am done with anger. Jispa and Jasmine do stupid things to get
into each other’s hair and I get caught in the cross fire. I think I have a
resolution to make here. At least I want to… Not to interfere or do anything
that causes a dissonance with my own core values. This is just too much to
bear. It’s like a millstone that weighs me down.
But this is the classical Keynes versus Hayek dilemma in
economics. Should you interfere or should you let the free hand of the market
work for you as over the long term equilibrium will be found. The problem is of
time. Equilibrium is good for greater good as a society, as a life of a society
is measured in centuries. Our selfish lives are much shorter.
My dad died at age 58, I am 44. What should I live for? It’s
a fun question. Jispa is 17. We have her for two years more. Just 2. Then she
goes. What do we do with her now? I am of the view that we must now cut her
bindings that tie her home. It is now her thing what she wants to do or not. Why
should we keep her chained to us? My job now is limited to trying to get a few
thigs that sound to both and to pay for her basic studies. What else? I don’t want
to interfere in her swimming, sport, studies and what not.
I am coming to the conclusion that it does not matter to me
now. I cannot influence it and more importantly, I shouldn’t. When I was 17 I did
not need any parental overhang. Why do I give it now? This is serious. It potentially
will create more conflict in the short run but I think Hayek may prevail in the
long. Things will settle down to an equilibrium. An equilibrium that is
sustainable and happy to all, or at least ‘least unhappy’ to all.
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I seem to be writing very morose and depressed things these
days. Arrgh. I don’t like this side of me. It can’t sustain for long. Not in my
head. Let’s talk on some positive things.
Jispa managed to push us to get her enrolled for the Otter’s
Club swim program. The coach is an Indian swim champion who just retired. So he
is young and hip. Plus he seems to be having modern techniques. That makes it
great for Jispa. She also swims with good swimmers and champions. That’s great
company for her. Jispa really pushed for 6 months for this. I am glad it
happened for her.
I am not sure if it will make her a great swimmer but I am
sure it was help her become a good coach. I think she has in it to become a
brilliant coach. She has a skillset for it.
Next – I love board games. Finally in my life, I have the
money to buy them, a house big enough to play them and time to get friends over
who enjoy them. I love board games. It is the one joy in my life that right now
with a non-working knee, I enjoy. So we are playing games, like Guillotine, Catan,
Secret Hitler etc. I am enjoying it like crazy. I want to get every opportunity
to get friends over and play all night long. I want to buy more games. I want a
cupboard full of them.
I love coffee but I cant have too much. I get caffeine addiction.
So bought myself decaf! Awesomeness knows no bounds.
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