anger

Anger. It’s such a crazy emotion. It gets you nowhere. I have never my anger ever help me with anything or in any situation. Yet I let it flow. With my level of thinking and self-awareness, how do I let this happen to myself? How do I let anger get the better of me?

We Doshi’s supposedly are hard wired to be an angry type. We have a lot of anger issues. It’s a stupid bloody emotion. Where does it come from? I have often wondered. Small things can get us to flare up. When I was much younger, I remember dad trying to calm me down and tell me to remain cool. My brother and I used to fight a lot. We were two years apart and like chalk and cheese. I don’t think we have any core values or behavior overlapping in a Venn diagram. So it was chaos growing up. There were hardly any instances where he would have my back and would take my side.

One of the things I think he would get really irritated with me was my anger. When we used to play cricket on the streets, there were always lots of disputes. Football is an easier sport than cricket. You don’t need a referee in street football. You simply get rid of the basic hindrances, such as bad tackling and there, you play the game. It is impossible to play cricket without an umpire, though.

First of all, there is the LBW rule. This is a crazy rule which is totally in control of an umpire who must decide if the ball was going to hit the stumps if it had not hit your leg. Oh freak. This was so contentious that we simply got rid of it most of the times in street cricket.  Then the ability to effect a run out, taking a clean catch, or simply did the ball travel in line with the make believe wickets on top of the three stones we put.

Needless to add, fights and arguments were common in street cricket, as invariably the umpire was a highly biased person from the batting side. The funny bits would come if the umpire would be biased against his own side, giving a batsman out just so that he gets his batting earlier. This was the funniest ever. I learnt to get into fights and argue with the players, umpires and team mates. It was all par for the course. Keep arguing and fighting. Everyone did it. One would get might angry doing it. I think I stopped till one day my brother had enough of me. He pulled me one side and asked me “is there a trophy or cup for this game that you will get? Why are you arguing?” I remember that moment till this date. Why fight on these matters.

My brother and I fought on other matters that had significant importance. So significant that I don’t remember them at all. But we fought. Like cats and dogs. It would end bitterly, especially as I was the angry one and he was stronger. Dad would have to get involved numerous times. According to me, I had a sense of right and wrong. I would hate being wronged. Many a times Dad would calm me down.

I would hate that. I wanted justice not calming down. Today I see his wisdom.  Dad too had a temper that I know he spent a long time controlling. He also told me the same thing that I say today. Anger never helped anyone.

I hate myself these days. Really really do hate myself. I get angry and it hurts me. I can get angry at people in office doing stupid things and it can erupt. I can get angry at my family and it can erupt. But I try and bring it down and refuse to fight so many times. But I don’t know what effect it might have on me and my health. Is keeping it suppressed the right answer or reaching an impossible nirvana stage where one doesn’t get angry at all, the right answer.

Some of my friends wonder how calm I am. That makes me laugh. I am not calm at all. Over years I have learnt not to let so many things affect me. Most of the time it’s a simple question – is there a trophy in this for me? If not – no worries.

The problem is when there is a trophy. At home and at work. Work is easy. You have to perform or you risk getting out. At home – passions run deep. I think I am done with anger. Jispa and Jasmine do stupid things to get into each other’s hair and I get caught in the cross fire. I think I have a resolution to make here. At least I want to… Not to interfere or do anything that causes a dissonance with my own core values. This is just too much to bear. It’s like a millstone that weighs me down.

But this is the classical Keynes versus Hayek dilemma in economics. Should you interfere or should you let the free hand of the market work for you as over the long term equilibrium will be found. The problem is of time. Equilibrium is good for greater good as a society, as a life of a society is measured in centuries. Our selfish lives are much shorter.

My dad died at age 58, I am 44. What should I live for? It’s a fun question. Jispa is 17. We have her for two years more. Just 2. Then she goes. What do we do with her now? I am of the view that we must now cut her bindings that tie her home. It is now her thing what she wants to do or not. Why should we keep her chained to us? My job now is limited to trying to get a few thigs that sound to both and to pay for her basic studies. What else? I don’t want to interfere in her swimming, sport, studies and what not.

I am coming to the conclusion that it does not matter to me now. I cannot influence it and more importantly, I shouldn’t. When I was 17 I did not need any parental overhang. Why do I give it now? This is serious. It potentially will create more conflict in the short run but I think Hayek may prevail in the long. Things will settle down to an equilibrium. An equilibrium that is sustainable and happy to all, or at least ‘least unhappy’ to all.

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I seem to be writing very morose and depressed things these days. Arrgh. I don’t like this side of me. It can’t sustain for long. Not in my head. Let’s talk on some positive things.

Jispa managed to push us to get her enrolled for the Otter’s Club swim program. The coach is an Indian swim champion who just retired. So he is young and hip. Plus he seems to be having modern techniques. That makes it great for Jispa. She also swims with good swimmers and champions. That’s great company for her. Jispa really pushed for 6 months for this. I am glad it happened for her.

I am not sure if it will make her a great swimmer but I am sure it was help her become a good coach. I think she has in it to become a brilliant coach. She has a skillset for it.

Next – I love board games. Finally in my life, I have the money to buy them, a house big enough to play them and time to get friends over who enjoy them. I love board games. It is the one joy in my life that right now with a non-working knee, I enjoy. So we are playing games, like Guillotine, Catan, Secret Hitler etc. I am enjoying it like crazy. I want to get every opportunity to get friends over and play all night long. I want to buy more games. I want a cupboard full of them.

I love coffee but I cant have too much. I get caffeine addiction. So bought myself decaf! Awesomeness knows no bounds.

 bonus video from an amazing movie - inside out. its brilliant and based on what we understand of the human brain.

she is my father

My daughter just me a lesson. A lesson that I should have taught her.

A couple of days ago a friend came home to discuss the contours of a game. A treasure hunt. How do you plan a treasure hunt? All the treasure hunts have already been done. There are variations that people have had. Most the time, these are clues all over the city where you have to go to and meet someone and collect the next clue. In the middle to spice things up there are challenges and dares to complete. But in any form, they are all done. So, our friend came home and we were thinking about what to do. Mumbai has an amazing British history and it can be felt in the old parts of Mumbai, within the erstwhile fort area. There were many ideas tossed around. We kept thinking on how to make it simple yet exciting.

Here I learnt to implement something I leant from a friend many years ago. It was something he learnt at a conference. In a group think, learn to say ‘and’. Whenever someone says something, make the idea bigger by adding to it and not by removing flaws in the argument. Keep saying ‘and’ to any idea. This way you are forced to think from a start point and forced to listen intently and hopefully come up with great ideas. So, while brainstorming I kept saying ‘and’ and we ended up with what we think is an awesome idea. We simply take photos of interesting places in a tight interesting area in fort. We also take photos of small quirky things around the place. People have to figure the place, click the photo and come back to base after they are done. In the photos we will also have clues as to where the place is likely to be. So we would have photos of lane names, or monument names or something or the other that would help them decipher the place. The odd ball curious would be in and around some bigger places. So the game is simple. You will probably have 10 places which are easier to find and then you will have around another four odd places in and around the main point. All photos to be released at the start of the game. Hence you have to look around the monument for the other hidden ones and get them.

Too much information is also a weapon of confusion. In a normal treasure hunt, the linearity of thought allows for a focused flow from participants. But this way with an information overload, the confusion should set and thence in a group environment so will atrophy. The hope is that the evil and greed in people will grow as the time limit gets pushed. How much time must you spend on a place to get all the objects. Ah… this should be fun.

You are free to use mobile phones, whatsapp and everything else including Google. Now go and get these mad places.

While we were clicking pictures yesterday at Horniman circle for our game, in one building, while I was clicking the façade, one security lady came to me and said, do not click photos, it’s not allowed. What? You don’t own the image rights to your building to start with. Complete rubbish. I have had run ins with various such security personnel whose job it is to do stupid things. Rich people believe that just because they can own security personnel they can ask them to do anything. A few weeks ago, one security guy came to me to tell me to not park on the opposite side of their gate. I refused to listen. First they try and use authority and then they try and use sympathy. He then said that please listen to him or his bosses will scold him. I am so done with these jokers. I told him to tell his boss not to ask him to do stupid things.  I wasn’t obstructing his gate in any way. It was on the other side.

Now here this lady was telling me not to click photos of their heritage building. I refused. I told her that I will continue to do so and she could do whatever she wanted. I continued to click till I got a nice one. Now a senior guard came in. He confronted me and tried to tell me with authority that I shouldn’t click. I told him, that that is stupid and that I will continue to do so. He told me again and that’s when I lost it (not that I was polite to start with), I screamed at him and said, I will click the photos and he can’t stop as it isn’t legal. I was standing on the road dam it. I was loud and hard. He did not know what to do. He is used to subservient behavior I guess. This was an open challenge to his authority. We took photos and then we left. He couldn’t do anything.

Afterwards, Jispa spoke to me. She told me, that I uselessly shouted at the watchman. I said, that he was being stupid and the rule sucked. She agreed but she said, I could have just silently smiled at him and still kept on clicking. Cracked a joke or a remark or something or the other and managed the situation. Well ok. I admitted to her that she was right. She is right. I should have just handled it better. Yes, I should have broken his stupid rule, did whatever I want and yet still gotten out of it by smiling my way through it and not raising my voice. What good would it do?

Nice one Jispa. She waited till I cooled down, came quietly next to me and very nicely suggested… SUGGESTED, that may be there was a better way. She asked and suggested as opposed to directly attack an angry man. Nice. Real nice. Well done Jispa.

At home later in the day, I got rid of some my shirts. One of them was a slightly tighter red and blue plaid check shirt. Jispa wanted one red plaid shirt for some time now. I had her try it. What is a bit tight for me, was a little loose for her and she could wear it. She kept it and said “cool. That time when you can finally wear your dad’s shirt”, followed by a fake sniffle.

Child has become the father of man.

Alexanderian grace

Jispa is getting her teen attitude and she isn’t so much of a push over these days. She can get mighty pissed with us and especially me. Today morning she forgot to take her school shoes when she left with me for her swim training. So she decided to go to school in her chappels. She had another (non-compliant) pair of shoes in the car. I asked her to wear those but she refused. Black chappels are preferable to shoes that are not completely black. Oh hell. I tried telling her otherwise but she refused and I left it at that. It’s her problem. She has to deal with the school authorities and the head. So I let her be. Then Jasmine got on her case and then both of us just let her be. Her issue. While we were waiting for the bus to come in Jispa said today she also had physical education class. Ok that was the limit. Jispa wear your shoes – jasmine and I put our foot down rather forcefully. Jispa said fine. But then she was pissed as hell. “why do you have to scold me and tell me.” “because you don’t listen otherwise” “but that doesn’t mean you have to scold me at the start itself. First tell me properly and then scold me if I don’t listen”.”sorry but on this you wouldn’t have listened to me and we were telling you about it”. “no but you shouldn’t start with a  scolding” “you start listening. I also don’t like scolding. When you were younger we would only speak sweetly, but now if you don’t get a scolding you don’t listen” “no… I do listen” “ok you promise to listen and I promise not to scold. Right now also I am talking properly” “ no you are not”…. You get the drift. Jispa and I were having a conversation in which she was pretty pissed. No she gives me a push back and she gives Jasmine a push back on a lot of issues as well.

I try to listen to her and talk to her if she pushes back, I try not to clamp her down. Speak. Talk converse. If she screams or talks rubbish when there is conversation then I raise the tempo and clamp down, but then also normal speaking and civilized arguments are allowed.

This time she was pissed as hell. She refused to give in. Then I told her “forget, your school bus is coming, you leave”. She refused to tell me bye. I told her “while going say bye dude. don’t leave like that”, She didn’t listen. In fact she made a point by telling Jasmine bye and ignoring me. She was pissed as hell. I am smiling. It’s ok.

Many years ago when my marriage was being discussed, Jasmine’s parents had to finalize the hall in which the ceremony was to take place. Earlier it was the girl’s side of the marriage that bore all the expenses. Now the progressive gujjus have a discussion. Typically marriage is borne by the girl’s side and the reception is split into half or some ratio. Or some such logic. In my sister’s marriage we had chosen a hall which her in-laws made a slight noise. Not too much but a simple question about it is also viewed very seriously. I know the big agonizing issue that went about inside my house but we pressed on nevertheless and possibly it was a non-issue at their end but it created a huge discussion at our end.

So in my marriage Jasmine’s parents were looking at a hall but that one nearer to where we stay and which was the normal choice in their family as well was under reconstruction. So you needed to look elsewhere. So they zeroed in a hall which was nearer to their house but not an upmarket neighborhood. In fact it was a pretty non-descript place. I was aghast at my parents disapproval. Those days I worked in Gujarat and when I was in Mumbai I had a showdown with them. I found my normally liberal leaning dad suddenly turn conservative. Mom was completely unhappy. I couldn’t believe that they were going against the very values they inculcated in me. How can we object with the choice of hall? They said they will pay the whole expense in any case as it was a smaller function for marriage and simple reception. I had a show down with dad on this. It wasn’t pretty. I was pissed as hell. And we didn’t speak to each other. The next day I was to leave for Gujarat and mom and dad offered to drop me to the station. Sure. I don’t think we spoke in the car as well. As I got off, I paused for a brief moment and I turned around and said bye mom, bye dad. I guess dad was waiting for me to say bye. He said bye as well. It was brief period of making up. I guess if guys simply say hi to each other – it’s reconciliation. I remember his face. He too was a bit pissed but he too let it go. It was both side giving an inch and then an el.

I am forever glad about how I behaved. I am so happy and I remember that moment very clearly. I remember that pause and I remember thinking, I must say bye. It is something I will never forget. As it turned out, that was the last time I saw my dad. I know that in the 23 odd years I would have known him he would not have held the last 23 hours against me but still, last chats are last chats. I would hated going through life knowing I refused to reconcile when I had the time. It didn't take much from me or him to forget. It’s ok to have disagreements but at the end you must part as friends, agreeing to disagree at the worst.

I have always hated parting badly. That’s not on. I always tell people to part properly. It’s not that we can’t behave in a civilized manner. Even if people mean you harm, when they leave you have a chance to sow a seed of love. Like Porus, everyone deserves to be treated in a manner that befits them. It’s for us to be Alexander. So it was history repeating all over again. Jispa was pissed at me and had an argument with me. While she left the car, like my dad I too was in the driver’s seat with mom in the adjoining seat. But this time, I tried to say bye but my pre-teen refused.

Awww. Jispa. It’s ok. I understand your rage. It’s a good thing. You are growing up. Push back is good or parents will forever be hovering around you. Just remember it’s never personal and it’s definitely never for keeps. We both are growing up. You faster than us. But in the end – my advice to you is simple. While leaving always have the grace to part well as you never know when you going to get that chance again. You can have a disagreement but do not let that take away your grace, dignity, ears, sense, responsibility and love. It’s tough but to conquer that is Alexanderian. I was really lucky once.

Read more about the epic battle here. Its quite a nice fascinating read ...  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_the_Hydaspes

dam!

Probably because it was on my mind, or probably because it genuinely fits, but this post today from one of my favourite websites http://www.xkcd.com/ to mind works best to illustrate the point I was trying to make on yesterdays blog.

After posting yesterdays blog I was not so comfortable with it. Something inside of me kept rankling. What was it about that post? Is my postulate wrong? Was I in error? Are there too many outliers to this that I have missed out? The more I thought the more I seem convinced that balanced and erudite minds often tend to be open about their conclusions. Of course you have the instances of scientists going mad because no body listened to them and they kept repeating their thesis to disbelieving audiences. Probably that’s a caricature we have from the media creations we see. Most smart guys I know are secure about their knowledge and are keen to hear relevant arguments on their findings or knowledge.
It took some soul searching to figure that the reason I was uncomfortable is that I was pissed at the world for this. This was the stupid thing. How can I preach equanimity if I get angry at the world for not being balanced and for being one sided? Relax. People need not follow all your values, no matter how right they seem to you. Getting agitated is one thing; the fact that it affects itself is an issue. Will have to learn to let go. I will have to learn to keep quite. I can change knowledge, add to it, debate it but it’s probably too much of a task to change attitude. Will have to learn to pick fights.

One random stupid joke comes to mind.
While swimming, two fish hit a wall. The first fish told the other “Dam!”

breathe easy drive easy

Driving in Mumbai is a harrowing task and even the best of us I guess grow horns. It affects me in many ways that I thought impossible. Normally whenever I drive and I see some one trying to cross, especially the old and the ones with kids, I stop my car and signal them to cross. Sometimes I am rewarded with a smile. I even do that to a few women who seem to be lost right in the middle of the road. So that’s my good bit.
On the way home, there is some construction work happening for the monorail. This place has slums on the left and the construction has left very little space for the people to move. The footpath is obviously non existent. So we have tons of people on the road. Kids, women men everyone. I went honking honking getting them to move off the road. Then suddenly I realised what I was doing. I was honking to get a guy on crutches off my path. That’s unacceptable. While I stopped honking but the deed was done. It’s been difficult to control your irritation on these roads. It’s been difficult to relax while driving.
Today morning there was a school bus behind us, honking away to glory. A car is obviously faster than the bus and the reason I can’t drive faster is that there is a truck in front of me. I roll my window and request him not to honk via a hand signal. I overtake truck. He comes behind and then starts honking all over again. This is the limit. If he honks once more I will stop the car. HONK! Ok you asked for it. I stop the car in the middle of the road and the famous Doshi anger comes out in full volume. My baritone is used to good effect. Loud Jaimit voice can wake up neighbourhood – old jungle saying. I have seen this Zeus energy used by my dad and sometimes by my brother to good effect. My dad was a little hotter than it was right and I have tried my best to control my own streak. It’s far less but even one is one too many.
I also called the school later and lodged a complaint. You can’t drive like that and if you are a school bus you have no excuses. Absolutely none.
I guess the next time I will simply stop in front and alight and not utter a word. Silent satyagraha might be a better option.
That way Jispa’s school is pretty cool. I have never heard them honking. Even if you are late they simply call up and figure if you are coming and then they silently and patiently wait. The attendant also waits silently. He never gestures to any kid to run faster, au contraire he gestures to slow down. There is no rush. The kids climb in, he closes the door and the bus silently shifts into motion.
Taking a cue from that and an ad that says that driving in the 60 kmph band will help you save fuel, I drove nice and easy today. Patting my horns back inside my head, breathing easy, I realised that driving can be a form of yoga.

sorry kid

Normally I am not an angry young papa to Jispa. At least I like to believe so. I do shout at her, but my personal rule is – shout only to stop something and scolding is limited to one and max two lines. Then cool down instantly and talk properly. It’s like – JISPA – DON’T TOUCH THIS, (instant cool), Jispa , please don’t do it, if you touch this you would get hurt, how many times we have told you.
Also I was getting into fights that were not my. Jasmine and Jispa are fighting and I am getting involved. I don’t even care about some of the topics. It gets highly stressful to play arbitrator. I don’t like it, but I think I see no option. I try and signal to Jasmine to let go or silently tell her my view (most of the time it’s that I am indifferent). Jasmine is right where she comes from and so is Jispa. Being a father is not easy I guess. Its really taxing.
In the middle I realized Jispa was getting very irritating. I realized that I used to slap her, mildly of course, one time too many. I don’t like giving one rapack and silencing her, unless it’s grossly really bad. I am open to talking. So I told her that now on, no slapping. It’s something that I want to keep a habit of. Absolutely no slapping unless in the rarest of rare cases, that too avoidable. I keep telling her, that I am talking, talk to me, tell me what’s on your mind, I have infinite patience for talking as long you don’t give me crap or as long you listen and respond. No faltu arguments please. And no crying when I am not scolding you or angry. If she cries, I walk.
The other thing I can’t stand is this “whaaaat” word. Everyone knows what someone means or is saying, but I can’t stand it when someone goes “whaaaat” in a condescending manner, with your eyes cocked. Talk properly. I hate the tone that means “what the fu#& is the matter now” ask properly when someone is talking properly. When someone is talking properly, respond properly. Today with V-inu we met Cute cute bingo. V-inu saw that the dog has some skin disease and advised me against touching it. I was telling Jispa about it when she went ‘what’ and before I could answer “whaaat” again. I was in the process of getting her to wash her hands with the water bottle, while talking to her. Oh I so lost it. I just can’t bear that tone. Instead of whacking her in the heat of the moment I splashed water on her. I am sorry. That I think that was worse than slapping her. She sure didn’t like it. While I can justify my anger, I think I was wrong in my reaction. Sorry kid. I screwed up. I WILL splash water on your face next time but not in anger. And please Jispa, don’t screw my happiness later on this confession or else I will jam your happiness. We are quits.