What is depression? I find it hard to understand it. I think
it’s like hunger. You can write reams of paper on it but you can’t really
understand it till you actually feel it. I have never be able to really
understand it at its depths. I have seen a few patients suffer from it and I
wonder. When I was younger I tried to get people off it by talking to them and
by trying to counsel them, but this was pretty much useless. I leant that
people have their own battles to fight and the reasons can be both purely biological
and psychological. It’s easy to lecture when you are on the other side but it’s
extremely difficult when you face it yourself, I guess.
No I am not depressed or experiencing extreme sadness for
now, if you are wondering. But yes, I am facing some not so happy mood swings
right now. They seem to be irritate me right now as I fight them off. A few
things are triggering them – first when I was in US, the first Sunday that I
was free and by myself was horrible enough. Sitting in a foreign town and wondering
whom to talk to and what to do is tough enough for me. At 42, I have seen a lot
of life. Earlier when I used to go abroad, or out of town there was a sense of
newness and a sense of exploration and taking in the sights. But now I guess
that also has worn off a bit and now some amount of déjà vu set it and it was a
tough day. Plus I went to a family place like an aquarium and completely lost
it. Alone, in a separate land with happy families around me –oh dear, I was so
home sick. But funnily, it lasted till lunch. On a full stomach, I just felt a
lot better. Possibly it was the biology of it more than the mind.
Right now, Jasmine is with Jispa in Delhi for an event for 7
days. This is really hard for me. I don’t like empty houses and I hate being
alone without my family. Luckily I have a packed schedule but it still gets to
me. I think I just get angry at the world and it comes out in funny ways. I
have learnt to just smile and know that this too shall pass.
Coming back to depression. I can seem to understand some of
this of what goes on in peoples mind. Right now my mind refuses to see reason
and forgive or hold patience. It is angry and tired. I have to reign it in.
Tougher said than done. This is a small and tiny bit of what I think depression
goes through. Who can talk to you when you don’t want to listen? How can you
will your brain to outwit itself? When you are pissed every argument is in
favor of your brain and what it seems to think. Mind has a way to thinking
itself to its own reason. This is crazier than ever. I have always believed
that i have a decent mind but it thinks all the time. Like my good friend Sonal tells me, I need to
give my brain a rest. She threatens to give a coloring book. Nothing can be
tougher for me than a coloring book. Doing aimless, completely aimless,
irrational waste of time with no learning… oh dear me, I would completely fry
out.
So it’s difficult to
understand how the brain works. We don’t understand how our own brain works and
here we are supposed to lead a bunch of people and manage their brains as well.
How the hell does it work? We have barely been able to deduce any of its
contents and its functioning.
How do I try to manage my own brains and my complexity – let
me tell you about myself more than about anyone else? I have learnt that my
brain is quite a tireless worker and it needs to be constantly challenged. It
seems to like a challenge and like to do interesting things. It wants to learn
all the time and it wants to spread all its power for the common benefit of
all. It has many moods but it can be coaxed by its different parts to allow
itself to be molded. It can laugh at itself. Which I think is one of the
biggest assets that it can have.
I have allowed the luxury of my brain to laugh at itself. This
is not a small easy step. This is a significant step. This allows me to be sad
or happy or cry or angry or anything and then look at myself and laugh. This
way I understand what I am going through without really being too perturbed by
it. I like to look at my own emotions form an outside in perspective. It helps
me also realize how I am being perceived and help me evaluate myself slightly
more objectively. And fundamentally – it helps me look at my own emotions and …
and laugh at them. I don’t think I can after a point control my emotions. I can
check them but they do give way and at that time all one can do is look at them
and think about them. Once I think about them and laugh then I can change –
either immediately or possibly learn from it for the future. This is the simple
effect of laughing at yourself.
This is my brain and this is how it has worked for me in the
past. But one thing is for sure, the brain is an extremely complex piece of
work with so many factors working on it and changing it and shaping it. It is
fool hardy to control it or manage it. One can only look at it and manage it
one small dot at a time.
I think as I am getting older I am begging to sound more and
more like a cynic. A lot of variables that I thought are under control on
closer scrutiny give way to randomness and chance. Within chance how can you
have the notion of control? And how can you then change it by force of will. I think
change can be enforced by perseverance more than anything else. You can manage
through a concerted effort over a period of time by consciously trying and
getting better at it, slowly. I have learnt many things and I have learnt a lot
by simply seeing other people in action. But I think I also learnt a lot by
seeing myself in action. Seeing what my rational or irrational mind is up to,
playing these decisions again and again in my head and then seeing if I could
improve them. This has been the cornerstone of my improvement program.
You know yourself the best and you have only yourself to
fool. Yes my brain has fooled myself on multiple occasions but at least I try
to learn from it. I may choose to get screwed again but then I know it was my
fault. It’s been fun living this dual identity in my head. The ability to look
at myself from an outside in perspective. It’s been lovely.
Here before you go, a lovely video explaining why you shouldn’t
listen to your parents for your career decision. I have been seeing that propagating
that thought forever. Don’t listen to your parents. They mean very well and
they have your best concerns at their heart – exactly why you should not be listening
to them. No good ever came about from listening to your parents on career. I
try and explain the various skills required to Jispa but I definitely do not try
and influence her career decision. I hope she doesn’t take a lot of my advice.
Right now – I am constantly advising her one thing – learn to code. That’s my
hangover from the US trip. Learn to code. Anything you do in life will be
dictated by your coding knowledge, more than anything else. No profession will
be immune from code. NONE. Bet your dad never gave you that advice. My dad
advised me to learn computers, I disregarded it … joker..
