brain wave

What is depression? I find it hard to understand it. I think it’s like hunger. You can write reams of paper on it but you can’t really understand it till you actually feel it. I have never be able to really understand it at its depths. I have seen a few patients suffer from it and I wonder. When I was younger I tried to get people off it by talking to them and by trying to counsel them, but this was pretty much useless. I leant that people have their own battles to fight and the reasons can be both purely biological and psychological. It’s easy to lecture when you are on the other side but it’s extremely difficult when you face it yourself, I guess.

No I am not depressed or experiencing extreme sadness for now, if you are wondering. But yes, I am facing some not so happy mood swings right now. They seem to be irritate me right now as I fight them off. A few things are triggering them – first when I was in US, the first Sunday that I was free and by myself was horrible enough. Sitting in a foreign town and wondering whom to talk to and what to do is tough enough for me. At 42, I have seen a lot of life. Earlier when I used to go abroad, or out of town there was a sense of newness and a sense of exploration and taking in the sights. But now I guess that also has worn off a bit and now some amount of déjà vu set it and it was a tough day. Plus I went to a family place like an aquarium and completely lost it. Alone, in a separate land with happy families around me –oh dear, I was so home sick. But funnily, it lasted till lunch. On a full stomach, I just felt a lot better. Possibly it was the biology of it more than the mind.

Right now, Jasmine is with Jispa in Delhi for an event for 7 days. This is really hard for me. I don’t like empty houses and I hate being alone without my family. Luckily I have a packed schedule but it still gets to me. I think I just get angry at the world and it comes out in funny ways. I have learnt to just smile and know that this too shall pass.

Coming back to depression. I can seem to understand some of this of what goes on in peoples mind. Right now my mind refuses to see reason and forgive or hold patience. It is angry and tired. I have to reign it in. Tougher said than done. This is a small and tiny bit of what I think depression goes through. Who can talk to you when you don’t want to listen? How can you will your brain to outwit itself? When you are pissed every argument is in favor of your brain and what it seems to think. Mind has a way to thinking itself to its own reason. This is crazier than ever. I have always believed that i have a decent mind but it thinks all the time.  Like my good friend Sonal tells me, I need to give my brain a rest. She threatens to give a coloring book. Nothing can be tougher for me than a coloring book. Doing aimless, completely aimless, irrational waste of time with no learning… oh dear me, I would completely fry out.

 So it’s difficult to understand how the brain works. We don’t understand how our own brain works and here we are supposed to lead a bunch of people and manage their brains as well. How the hell does it work? We have barely been able to deduce any of its contents and its functioning.

How do I try to manage my own brains and my complexity – let me tell you about myself more than about anyone else? I have learnt that my brain is quite a tireless worker and it needs to be constantly challenged. It seems to like a challenge and like to do interesting things. It wants to learn all the time and it wants to spread all its power for the common benefit of all. It has many moods but it can be coaxed by its different parts to allow itself to be molded. It can laugh at itself. Which I think is one of the biggest assets that it can have.

I have allowed the luxury of my brain to laugh at itself. This is not a small easy step. This is a significant step. This allows me to be sad or happy or cry or angry or anything and then look at myself and laugh. This way I understand what I am going through without really being too perturbed by it. I like to look at my own emotions form an outside in perspective. It helps me also realize how I am being perceived and help me evaluate myself slightly more objectively. And fundamentally – it helps me look at my own emotions and … and laugh at them. I don’t think I can after a point control my emotions. I can check them but they do give way and at that time all one can do is look at them and think about them. Once I think about them and laugh then I can change – either immediately or possibly learn from it for the future. This is the simple effect of laughing at yourself.

This is my brain and this is how it has worked for me in the past. But one thing is for sure, the brain is an extremely complex piece of work with so many factors working on it and changing it and shaping it. It is fool hardy to control it or manage it. One can only look at it and manage it one small dot at a time.

I think as I am getting older I am begging to sound more and more like a cynic. A lot of variables that I thought are under control on closer scrutiny give way to randomness and chance. Within chance how can you have the notion of control? And how can you then change it by force of will. I think change can be enforced by perseverance more than anything else. You can manage through a concerted effort over a period of time by consciously trying and getting better at it, slowly. I have learnt many things and I have learnt a lot by simply seeing other people in action. But I think I also learnt a lot by seeing myself in action. Seeing what my rational or irrational mind is up to, playing these decisions again and again in my head and then seeing if I could improve them. This has been the cornerstone of my improvement program.

You know yourself the best and you have only yourself to fool. Yes my brain has fooled myself on multiple occasions but at least I try to learn from it. I may choose to get screwed again but then I know it was my fault. It’s been fun living this dual identity in my head. The ability to look at myself from an outside in perspective. It’s been lovely.

Here before you go, a lovely video explaining why you shouldn’t listen to your parents for your career decision. I have been seeing that propagating that thought forever. Don’t listen to your parents. They mean very well and they have your best concerns at their heart – exactly why you should not be listening to them. No good ever came about from listening to your parents on career. I try and explain the various skills required to Jispa but I definitely do not try and influence her career decision. I hope she doesn’t take a lot of my advice. Right now – I am constantly advising her one thing – learn to code. That’s my hangover from the US trip. Learn to code. Anything you do in life will be dictated by your coding knowledge, more than anything else. No profession will be immune from code. NONE. Bet your dad never gave you that advice. My dad advised me to learn computers, I disregarded it … joker..

opposites reconcile in faith as well

One of the things I learnt in life is that people have opinions. I have opinions, people have them and everyone has different degrees of strength in their opinions. The truth and the strength of the opinion is generally inversely proportionate. That is a happy home truth. If you come from the premise (where I come from) that all truth is relative then all statements are opinions, because all of what you say is dependent on the truth you know or have been taught. The best amongst us understand that and hence always temper their opinions. They understand that and hence qualify their statements as opinions. This has been one of the biggest learnings in my life – that no one really knows anything and that you have to sit there and try it and understand it to really know what you think you know. That too is the truth relevant at that point of time, till better data or more data or a better understanding of data changes it. Why am I spewing this shit? I had a nice experience recently that made me laugh at myself. I too am quite a joker, but the only hope I have is that I am admitting to this paradoxical behavior in myself.

So – I was going through some professional crisis. It was quite painful and in the flux of it all, it was taking some amount of time for me to reinvent myself. But just as the crisis was hitting its peak, something stupid happened.

A week ago, in the morning I took Jispa to the pool and then went to play Badminton. When I was about to leave after the game at the gymkhana I realized that I couldn’t find my wallet. I did remember distinctly taking it but, for some reason, I couldn’t find it. I searched around at the court and then at the reception, where I sit in the morning and all the way to the car. I checked the Gymkhana records – I hadn’t swiped my card at the reception and hence possibly I did not get it today morning. So, then I went home, hoping that I left it somewhere there. When at home I couldn’t find it, I was seriously disturbed. Seriously.

Losing a wallet is not that disturbing as is it being the last straw breaking what was already a shitty week, mentally. I couldn’t get any lower. And that’s when the question of faith always hits me.

I was brought up a Hindu Jain (that in itself is a paradox) and I grew to be an atheist. It took some amount of real mind work from my side to stop believing that there is a God. The process took over 20 odd years. From the time I stopped asking God for favors to the time I actively stopped believing in him. It’s been an interesting story. As a father, I have taken some decisions and Jispa doesn’t know God. She had a conversation recently with her teacher on using the lowercase G for writing god in her essay and he teacher corrected her. While on one hand as a father I have been extremely proud of this, a small little voice inside of me is wondering – what happens when shit will hit the roof? Whom will she turn to. Man created God to explain the wondrous nature and the stroke of luck that we encounter while we get on with our life. It explains the unexplainable. When things happen without much explanation, a supreme power is always the best to explain it all. It becomes easier to handle.

The ancient philosophy versus the scientific philosophy to my mind is centered behind this conundrum. Science teaches us to think through and understand cause and effect. Everything can be explained but only the explanations haven’t been found out yet. The counter is simple – at the core itself, life is unexplainable and hence what meaning are you searching for.

My understanding of Jainism at its core is - forget all this – find harmony in your life as part of a greater eco system without wondering about cause and effect.

Cause and effect in science is explainable through experiments and in religion through God.

So when shit hits the roof, as it well; when unexplained phenomena happens with you as the only sufferer, when despair is all around and when you are alone; where will you find reserve and resolve? Will you find it inside of you or do you need someone outside looking at you and telling you, that you can do it, escape it, solve it, manage it, sleep through it?

I have had a childhood corrupted by faith. Like the songs of the 80’s and Amitabh Bachchan who cannot be removed from my psyche, no matter how much I try, so cannot be faith. I haven’t had a life changing moment that cancelled my faith. It has been a slowly drip murder. Funnily enough, this means that my faith is never really dead, but is merely sleeping. Waiting to pounce on my weak moments, helping me fight back. I seriously wonder what will Jispa do. In ten years time, I would like to talk to her on this topic more than anything else, and then 20 years hence and then on my death bed. What is a life, untarnished by faith?

But coming back – I lost my wallet and I was pissed as hell. I conversed once with god (small G) and asked what the hell man? I immediately laughed and reminded myself that I am an atheist and there isn’t anyone to listen, dear boy. Then when I searched at home and I didn’t find it, I remembered my granny’s little mantra that helped her find stuff that was lost. She taught it to us as kids. I am going to share this mantra with you and its worked for me many times. So when you lose something and you want it you say “paan khagar badri wala, hun saath waar hehe karis, maari vastu madi jaay toh!” translation – Paan Khagar Badri Wala (some dude I think), I will do (say, enact whatever) “hehe” seven times, if I find my belonging. And yes – you guessed it right – this atheist and non believer and a ritual hater – said it to himself. I did it. And I smiled to myself. I believed in Paan Khagar Badri Wala while rejecting God (big G).

I stepped into the shower smiling at myself. I was amused by my own beliefs and fundamentals. While I was in the shower, the phone rang. I quickly wiped myself and ran out. I picked the phone and it was from the gymkhana – “sir, we found your wallet. It was stuck inside of the seat of the sofa.” Haha. Mr Badri Wala did not fail me, it so seems. I laughed at myself and did the next logical thing. The mantra bounds me to a promise that I have to do hehe, seven times as payback. Hence – I hehe’d seven times after this call. A promise is a promise.

I so laughed at myself. My faith had been tested and it came out victorious. I didn’t know what to say or feel. I wanted faith to lose but I wanted my wallet to be found. If I was scientific – I would have believed that the wallet would have been found in any case and if I had not conversed with god and Mr Badri wala, I would had greater faith in myself and in our people’s honesty to return wallets; and if I was a man of faith, it would have made it only stronger.

The fact is that the answer is far more complex. I myself don’t know what a man I am. I am a man made of faith but run on logic; or as I write it – I am made of logic but run on faith. Oh dear me. I will never know what I truly am; the experiment is forever vitiated.

But Jispa should be a classic case here. Will see ‘hehe’ seven times when she wants her belongings found? Will she simply shrug off bad luck as what it is – luck. Will she attribute her success to her as that  what it possibly is – luck. The luck of draw that creates an envrironment around you and infuses you with a gene pool conducive to making it work for you. Sure, I am being very pessimistic here and attributing luck to most things. Surely your own ability calls for some credit but then I would give both sides ability then – good and bad things happen thanks to your ability. I am happy with that.

But after all this – I was so happy with myself. I found myself acting so silly and so full of faith. I loved the contradictions in myself. The seeming opposites stayed alive in one brain at the same time. Your initial growth and upbringing is vital but not necessarily an unshakeable attribute as you grow. But as you grow and learn new things, you don’t really forget the old things. Together as they forge in your head, they sometimes create an interesting mish mash of attitudes and beliefs. These obviously work seamlessly in your head. You don’t see contradictions in any of them but to the outsider who uses his own logic finds them stupid and counter intuitive. How many times, I must have got frustrated with people who seemingly create contradictory eco systems in their heads and it drives others up the wall. The big lesson for me to learn here is that which I said as I started the blog – opposites reconcile.

la la LLI

Many years ago I started teaching, I think it was in 2002 as Jispa was born around the time I had my first teaching assignment. That time it was a fun and unique experience. It’s remained as much fun since then. But at the time I did something weird. At the end of the class I sat with each student and spoke to them – one on one. And I explained to them what they were facing in life and what they needed to do to break out… or something like that. That was a crazy thing. That was the first time I realized that I could start talking about people’s life at will. One kid was amazed because what I told her was exactly what her mother used to tell her all the time. I hardly would have taken 7-8 sessions with them but yet I knew quite a lot.

I thought that was a cool party trick where I could at will talk about people’s life and amaze them with how much I can figure. We are probably not as transparent as it may seem. In office as I grow up I normally have to counsel kids and get them to improve and they are amazed with how much I can tell. People have asked me over the years, how is it that I know so much. How can I tell? Some find it creepy and some find it crazy. For me it was a simple logical deduction. I released that I notice much more than the average Joe on a lot of things. I don’t notice this consciously. It’s more on a sub conscious level. It is there in my mind, forming patterns and images. So much is stored and then pulled out at will to create a pattern. Sometimes in office, I catch someone and randomly ask – so what’s bothering you. Didn’t sleep well? Or like the HR chick the other day – I asked her randomly – why did you not pursue your medical studies? She was wondering how I knew she wanted to be a doctor.

These things look creepy to the one on the outside but are completely logical and probabilistic to one on the inside. It’s one connection to another. It’s just that I notice a lot. Then soon I realized that this is a crazy thing to have. Some people will try and suck as much out of you, like a monkey doing tricks and some will get scared. And I also realized that this is only probabilistic. It is not a determinate science. I only build on what I know and what people agree to show me. I can go wrong and horribly so if people mislead me. And that at the end of it, it’s better for my brains to simply stop thinking.

These deductions are crazy and it’s not that I can spot someone gaming me every time, so it’s not something I have amazing gift that I can see through people. It’s only that I can somewhere try and understand your motivations and character and a bit of what defined your life coming till here, there is future I can see. At best I can only help you make a few choices by pointing the right questions…. But again nothing what you don’t know yourself.

I believed that happened because I was good at understanding probabilities and patterns. I live very happy with probabilities. I don’t necessarily need perfectly determined outcomes and plans. Add to that the fact that I have a crazy curious mind. I love to keep poking around and keep asking questions. An almost insatiable appetite for knowing why.

There was another trait which I did not think was related but I realize now is – ADD. Attention deficit disorder. In meetings and in conversations in office I quickly understand what the point the guy is trying to make and I lose the plot. I zone out. I understood the issue and want to move on. This is seen as arrogance. The other guy so many times tries to convince me that he has more to say, but I say yes or no – and say – great got it. This puts people off completely.

Another bad side of this – I just can’t understand how you don’t get it. It’s simple – it’s there on the board to see for all. It’s like staring me in the face, I keep saying – what you guys did not get it yet? This is the pattern / this is the trick / this is the answer / this is how it’s done.

All of this is interconnected and I did not know till I watched a few episodes of prison break. They talk about a condition called LOW LATENT INHIBITION (LLI). While I am nowhere near the crazy genius they show, I did try and research the term. And while I was researching I kept reading about stuff that I thought is exactly what I go through in life.

Latent Inhibition allows you to go through with life without getting insane. You block out repeated stimuli. You don’t notice everything about everything again and again. But with LLI – every time you notice everything about everything and that helps you understand if there has been a small change in stuff around you and you can draw conclusion from it.

“With low latent inhibition, an individual almost treats familiar stimuli in the same manner as they would new stimuli. Think of the details you notice when you see something new for the first time and how it grabs your attention. From those details all kinds of questions may arise in your mind. “What is that, what does it do, why is it there, what does it mean, how can it be utilized” and so on. The more of those questions you are able to figure out or answer, the better your understanding of that stimulus. The better your understanding of that stimulus, the more logical connections you are able to make between that stimulus and others around it. With the use of human memory you are then able to remember which questions you’ve already answered in relation to a particular stimulus, and those answers may then result in more questions. Low latent inhibition will usually result in extremely accurate instincts due to the sheer level of thought, processing and logical connection that has been made previously when faced with a stimulus or multiple stimuli.

So in terms of what we might see, somebody you know who’s generally always worn glasses might approach you having bought a new pair of glasses that look almost exactly the same but for a slightly different logo on the side. You usually wouldn’t notice the change of logo because your brain has almost dismissed the minor details that go with the pair of glasses they wear as ‘unimportant’. It’s your brains way of ensuring that it doesn’t need to constantly process new stimuli that probably won’t have any significance or importance to it. Yes they might wear glasses, but so what? In this example we simply see the glasses then move on.

An example of how somebody with low latent inhibition may see the same scenario could be that they almost instantly notice the smallest changes that seeing the new pair of glasses presents to them via the observation of stimuli, which may then lead to connections being made that people with normal latent inhibition might not make. For example from seeing the new logo, somebody with a low latent inhibition might deduce that their friend had been shopping since the last time they saw them, if they had been shopping they might have also recently received their monthly salary which meant they were able to buy the glasses. Did the friend have some insecurity with the last pair of glasses? If the person with low latent inhibition also knows the surrounding area well (and knows where the stores are that sell new glasses), and they know when the last time they saw their friend wearing his old glasses was (2 days ago), they might be able to work out the exact locations their friend will have been to, and depending upon which food their friend likes, where their friend might have eaten, and depending upon what their friends interests are, which other stores they might have been to after having been paid and what kind of things they might have bought…all from a small change of logo on a pair of glasses.”

You can read more here  - http://www.lowlatentinhibition.org/what-is-lli/

So it very aptly explains what I go through in life. It’s funny.

Here is another accurate description of what goes on in my mind

“You notice more, hear more, smell more and feel more through tactile contact. Without any conscious effort, your mind is in possession of a broader intake of information.

Upon encountering any form of stimulus (that interests you), your mind automatically dismantles and explores its components.

You usually see through the lies and the deceptions that people use in everyday life.

When learning, you can often make instantaneous changes.

Self-correction is easy because the underlying principle is more evident. Clearer.

You make connections and associations between seemingly unrelated material.

Comprehension is typically easy. You notice the non-verbal background information and this often provides a more comprehensive picture than what is being spoken.

There are exponential leaps of insight taking place all the time, with the background reasoning intact. Wave-upon-wave of permutations, options, variables and choices.

Creativity is a given. You see alternatives.

You notice things that other people miss.

There is no talking voice in your head. No 'chattering monkey'. The volume and complexity of the information drowns out conscious thought entirely.

Verbalising what takes place in your mind is impossible. Words render only a fraction of the entirety.

You see the world more thoroughly.

Listening to other people talking/thinking aloud can be infuriating. They are at point A when you have reached point N already.

Learning is not limited to defined periods of academic study. The assimilation of information is constant, ongoing and never static. There are no lulls or pauses. Everything offers a lesson.

Within the maelstrom of information there exists a place of calm and quietude. The eye of the storm. No verbalisation exists. No internal narrative. Just presence. No sense of self to intrude of interrupt.

Cons-

Education is awkward. Schools are not set-up to cater with this disorder. The way in which things are approached by schools seems piecemeal and incomplete.

It is difficult to write/type/speak quickly enough to articulate ideas and the breadth of the permutations involved.

Tact is necessary. People lie constantly.

LLI makes driving a car difficult. Your brain notices countless dangers and variables, and you become overwhelmed and nervous.

Hypervigilance can lead to anxiety.

Illusions are not very effective. You see through things without wanting to. Conventions and traditions have no significance.

You do not value what other people value.

Filtering out the variables and honing your options to something workable can be very difficult. Every solution potentially harbours new problems, new variables and new concerns.

People may find you to be a little odd, unorthodox or a little intense.

You have a habit of saying things that do not fit the accepted norm of behaviour. You often choose to disregard conventions because they serve no constructive purpose.

Background noise is a major problem. Noisy neighbours can cause serious stress.

Noticing things does not mean that you understand them. If anything, the abundance of what might be known lessens the desire to accumulate widespread knowledge.”

It seems that if you have LLI and a low IQ you are likely go crazy. But a higher IQ leads to creativity. And I think that’s the reason I am seen as far more creative than the average Joe.

Reading this has made me far happier about myself. In the middle I was wondering what is it that I have. Why do I see patterns that others don’t, what the hell is going on? Am I crazy or is the world DUH? It is very frustrating. Now I see it as a simple mental construct that is different from another.

And also I am happy with what my initial response was – just don’t think so much about what you are thinking. Thoughts will keep coming, just chill out and don’t give them too much importance. So more than anything else – this has helped me in some way deal with the frustration around me. Hopefully it will make me calmer and less irritable. Less moody. Less volatile. Tough shit.

a clear mind is blank

After all these years of working and meeting people and problems, one leans to cope with issues and unexpected hurdles quite differently.  I now tend to maintain (at least attempt to maintain most of the time) a sense of equanimity while meeting potential issues.

There was a guy who had a stall at the local Shakari Bhandar. He was sweet guy who loved puzzles. He would try and teach how to solve puzzles. He had mastered the Rubik’s cube. As a kid I loved the puzzles as well. I would try to solve puzzles and it would be hours of fun in the vacation. He befriended me and he would give me tons of puzzles to play with. He also sold books and games and toys. So when Jispa was born we bought quite a bit of stuff from him. Once he needed to relocate to a new shop and needed money he asked Jasmine for 5 grand as a loan. I told Jasmine to happily lend him the money. This man gave me countless hours of fun. Also a lot of his puzzles were with me unreturned. In effect I had ‘stolen’ them. So don’t bother. He then ran a shop elsewhere. Jasmine and her friend were regular customers. Then one day he got a chance and immigrated to the United States. He left the shop to his man Friday to run. After making some money he instructed his man to pay back the money. The man contacted Jasmine but wouldn’t show up. One day he disappeared. We lost touch with the puzzle man and all.

On Sunday out of the blue he contacted Jasmine. He wanted to meet Jasmine and her friend. Both of them were a little circumspect. More money perhaps? What we do, how do we tell no… I drove them there. A little thought ran into my head – why think the worst. Its ok. lets meet. Possibly he is just meeting because he  has come back. I still love the guy and I think he is a great guy. I told them don’t worry. If an awkward thing crops up – you can always revert later. You need not answer then and there. Jasmine came back after the meeting. ”You know why he wanted to meet us? He brought gifts and puzzles for us and he immediately wanted to return the 5 grand”. Well well well what do you know.

That’s what I told Jasmine. It was in my mind but I didn’t tell you guys. Sometimes you go out and meet with a blank face and mind. You take it as it comes. Earlier on I would worry – what’s the issue – why does he want to meet – why is he calling – what would I say – how should I talk. Etc etc. now I meet in a far more stable state. You don’t know anything. You should keep two three back up plans that this is my worst case and then meet without a real plan. Everyone deserves a meeting, a chance.

I have met so many people and been through so many situations. Jasmine told me that she too will learn. I said nopes. I learnt a lot of this from you. Jasmine would normally meet without thinking too much about the consequences. She was the one who taught me equanimity. No Jasmine – I learnt this form you. Mil lo. Don’t think too much. Ah things happen.

So that was an interesting lesson. You meet anything that comes your way and you have a backup plan. That’s about it I guess. You can’t predict the world but you surely can manage your space in it without too much thinking. Clarity of thought also means thinking less. Aila – that was high philosophy. I surprise myself at times.

a sporty mind

Two months of being away from the swimming pool can really deteriorate your swimming ability. I restarted swimming – twice a week, when I have to leave Jispa for taekwondo class. From the 12-16 laps that I could do, I have come down to 3-4. Of course my technique needs improving and I also realized, my mind plays a very large role in my sporting endeavors.
While playing squash, I seemed to have hit a wall, as far as improvements go. Something is not happening right. Instead of length balls, I keep hitting the side walls. Something is wrong. I was talking to the coach and I realized that I am not preparing myself mentally before a game. I need to think through the game, run through the shots in my head, keep playing the shots mentally and in the right way. That helps me a lot. Of course that’s not the only thing. My technique itself is also suspect. So the coach showed me some practice moves that I need to do to ensure my racquet is at the right angle. It needs to be open rather than closed while playing. Hit up hit up. I hope to keep practicing this when I am early in the morning. I am also quite pleased with the way the coach is taking interest in my progress. He is a quite sort of guy who does not really coach unless you keep at it. He rather be a quiet spectator. I guess he has learnt it right. All sorts of people come to the club. A lot of them are know it alls. He is always open and there if you want to speak to him, but he keeps to himself and only gives out coaching instructions when prodded. I accidently figured it out. Now I play squash not only purely for fitness, but I also want to improve the game. Keep thinking, keep playing, and keep at it. It gives me great pleasure to play it with a purpose. I don’t ever count the score; that I leave to the other guy. Good for him to keep him mentally occupied. I am going to play every ball the same irrespective of the score, then why bother counting the score. Thanks to this attitude I chase every ball, and my first rule is keep the ball in play, so I have had some amazing rallies with another player at the club, who is far better than me, but just my ability to reach and keep the ball in play constantly, can result in some really long and amazing rallies, which are delight to play and a delight to watch. When you are barely reaching the ball, just keeping it in play requires a tremendous amount of effort and sheer will power. Keep reaching and keep avoiding an unforced error. That’s the key. But that does mean anything besides the fact that I get a good stretch. I need to keep playing right, get technique right.
Coming back to swimming, I am also working there on technique. I have to think through before I get into the pool. What am I going to do, how will my hands move, how will they enter the water, how will they pull it back. I think of my swimming coach and assume he is there giving instructions. The last time I just got into the water without thinking about anything and I made a complete hash out of it. I have to keep thinking. today, much thought went into the swim and I was far better at it. think think think. How the hell does it work?
It’s like the mind thinks of the various things it wants to do and the muscle just seems to follow. You don’t think and you are gone, because the muscle then does what it just wants to and completely messes things up. The hands go anywhere and the legs dance about. The mind alone can control it. Thinking about technique and being aware of your body while playing a sport is like moving into a trance like meditative state. It is lesser in the case of cricket and squash. You are trying to react to the situation and in cricket, you are constantly aware of the score. But I just love swimming as you are up against yourself. There is no score, no one to beat, nothing to attack. There is you and then there is your technique. While swimming I can think of nothing else. Where is my arm, where is my head, what are my legs doing? If meditation is keeping all thoughts away, then this is as close as it gets. I am only self aware. Only thinking about myself, my body. It is impossible to think of anything else. I also don’t want to go faster. I only want to go longer. To go longer I have to go slower and in correct rhythm. I try and feel the rhythm. If the rhythm is right the effort is minimal. I must get to 20 laps, without even panting. That is my goal for now.
This is my get away plan these days. I have decided to focus a lot of my energies on my work and on my personal life. I have changed a lot of my thinking. Now one year has passed in this organization. I have given the organization a direction that is potentially game changing. The organization would need to work on it. I need to work on it. More than anything, I realize that my team needs to now move a few notches higher. It is fine to give a strategy but it is even more amazing to implement it. I have one year of implementation ahead of me. Dogged head down, implementation. I know the firm does not right now have the money to really reward me. That is in many ways a good thing. I will do whatever I am doing because I want to do it, because I want to do it for the team and take them forward. I want to do it. I realize that it is my cross to carry. In the course of which, people will leave me, people will hate me, people will not be grateful, or even be annoyed by it. But I still need to do it. Do it for them, as I believe it is right. Do it for myself, as I believe it’s right. It is a tough burden to carry.
When you carry such burdens you realize, that no matter how good the support you have at home or at office, you are essentially on your own. That puts different pressure on you. Over the years I have learnt to not take too much pressure home with you. My bosses have also been kind enough to let me be thus. But I strongly suspect that the swimming and the squash and of course my beloved cricket has helped. If nothing else, I am completely ignorant of anything around me when I am pursuing these activities. I think it teaches a certain degree of equanimity, a certain calm and a certain meditative, reflective stance.
Whatever… I am living my childhood dream to be amongst sports. I think I am changing as a person. I think I might be getting a little better. I hope I am. Hopefully a more focused calm and controlled person. Just a little bit. I keep slipping back. But I must be better controlled. Sport is a great teacher and a greater metaphor. Let me keep at it. So help me all.

I dont know how to title this one. any suggestions?

There are some days when the mind goes completely blank. You hit a writer’s block. Nothing you can thin of is worth writing. Right now the situation is specially so because of the work pressure. I just can’t find time enough o think or write or anything else. My poor google RSS feeds remain unread. It’s probably a bad thing.
I haven’t had the time to get my routine back into place. I sleep late, I wake up late, I bunk doing yoga, I bunk my swimming. The works… I hate it, messing up with my routine. The only solace that I can find is that at night I have a good book to read me to sleep. I am reading the autobiography of Malcolm X. So far it has been an interesting read. I am dying to comment on it but am withholding my two bit till I finish reading the book.
But yes the routine. i really like being in the routine. I love the yoga and the swimming. Jispa’s vacations are on and in that is the absence of a catalyst. So when I say with some pride that I swim regularly I must be quick to add that it is thanks to Jispa’s school that this is happening. But since I believe that this rigour is thanks to my dedication, I must be able to keep up with it while I don’t have an external stimulus.
Pride is a funny thing. The above para is nothing but an interpretation of my pride. My pride that I am fit, that I don’t have a pot belly, that I can do uncomfortable things and be happy about it. Right now the work is tough and demanding. I have been put ina situation where I have to set up the marketing for a firm that lost its marketing guy. So doing it all alone without anyone to assist me is a challenge in itself. That is creating new sets of motivation. I have always taken pride in telling people that ‘if you can’t do it, then I will’. I have that streak. Of late being the senior boss has ensured that I have always had some junior resources working in for me. This new project is making work as if I am the junior guy. AND I AM ENJOYING IT. It is give me a fresh sense of pride. Going home since two days at 8 – 9 pm, while sitting in the car, I think about the day gone by… and breathe with certain pride. I can still tell my kids with confidence that if you can’t do it then let me know. I will do it and close the issue. So screw you.
You can say it all the time but when you have recent experience to do it then it carries much more wiethg. Pride is a silly thing really. Some days I think it’s probably a wrong thing. Should I have this pride at all? Should I be a humble stone on the wayside? Why should it affect?
Difficult questions to which I guess the only answer I know of now is - moderation. Everything in moderation. Including moderation itself.
Wasn’t this a bit weird post. But then I think that what happens to most posts. They tend to reflect the mind. Right now the mental state is slightly convoluted. There are various emotions.
I think these two months my mind has been thinking a lot and has been forming opinions and thoughts. I think a few years hence I will look on this period with reasonable amount of significance. Hopefully for the better. I hope I don’t self destruct while clearing my mind. I hope I don’t harm my self and those around me. I hope I am able to chart out a path that ensures the best overall result. In this also lies a complexion. Should I do what is right for the long run or should I do for the short run. I know I have responsibility towards my decisions towards me but what about decisions that affect those around me? am I being right in setting fire on their path in the hope that they will face the heat and be better for it or should I just let their present be and take let the future take care of itself? What gives the great moral authority to play god with other people. And also do I fail if set them up for failure.
See I told you I was in a weird mood. But I have come to look at both sides of the equation a lot. Nothing seems to be swaying me strongly either way. I merely see both sides and be happy that I can see both the side of relative truth.
As I have always maintained as long it does not stop you from acting. It does not paralyse you its ok. But then what sarong with paralysis… arggghhhh stop that. Stop it. This post is getting too weird.

What was that poem that popped into my head ten seconds ago? Something like let tehfuture take care of itself, let the past bury its dead… or something like that. lets ask Google. A ha. There it is.
"Trust no future, however pleasant! Let the dead past bury its dead! Act, - act in the living Present! Heart within and God overhead." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I guess that’s a good philosophy. Those lines right now seem reassuring. For reason they warm my heart. Hope they did something for you… but then again. SLAP. STOP.

bend over

This yoga thing we do twice a week is really awesome. It has helped improve my back. I can’t believe that simple stretches improves back to such a great extent. The best and most noticeable improvement, I can sit in vajrasan for a long period of time without getting all numb. Vajrasan is this pose wherein you fold your legs under your thighs and sit on your soles. Ok.. that’s a bad description. Let me see if I can google a pic for you that best illustrates the pose. ………………………… yup. Here it is.
What’s so tough about it? Do it and sit in that pose for 5 minutes. You can huh? Good for you. You cant? I told you so.

But these small victories is something I look forward to notch up while I do yoga. Like bending forward and touching the head to my toes in bhadrasan position which start off like below. Just about managing that one.

But all this is good fun till one day I was doing yoga with my daughter in front of me. It is completely demoralising. She can just about do anything. She sits cross legged and completely folds forward touching the floor with her stomach. She is so comfortable with it that she many times goes to sleep in the car like thus.
yes... I tell you, she is asleep, fast asleep.
For those who care, please observe the foot coming out from the side. Just try sitting without bending with your feet coming out from the opposite side. Go ahead try it. Now bend over… ya go ahead. Just ensure you read the disclaimer that follows before doing it. Disclaimer: DON’T DO IT OR YOU MIGHT NEVER GET BACK UP AGAIN.

The yoga teacher tells us that you don’t chart progress in yoga by measuring your flexibility quotient. You measure it by understanding your mind. Are you more relaxed, more in control etc etc. this is one big let down for me as far as yoga is concerned. I don’t know if it has made an iota of difference to my mind yet. I think it’s because I got the thing screwed on wrong. I primarily concentrate on getting my postures correct, my breathing in order and ensure that I feel the twist. I am probably too muddled up with my physical being to really observe the mind.

But sometimes I also suspect that it is like so as I am constantly trying to train my mind. I am constantly trying to react impartially, see both sides of the equation, conquering fear, anger and reaction. I am doing mental yoga all the time. And it has helped me tremendously. So this actual yoga is not amounting to much. But then I could be completely wrong. I don’t know.
In absence of complete information I am taking things as they hit me step by step. My first priority now is my physical well being and that is what I am taking seriously through yoga. That’s what I want to achieve. The rest I will achieve, hopefully, slowly. It is tough to get up and practice yoga. It’s a good thing that it fits well into routine but even more difficult to manage is the stiff body. My hands go as far behind, my ankles hurt in vajrasan, my back bends less. It makes for a painful experience. But I guess I have to conquer that feeling, the stiffness. The tough part is not to lose motivation by comparing evening results to morning results. The thing is to constantly do it, diligently concentrating on your breathing. I remember doing yoga as a ninth standard student (around 14 years). I thought concentration was easier then. Now its tougher. I did not realise how I am unable to control my variety of thoughts. It requires really concentration to get anywhere near where the goal is and it is so difficult to hold it there, all concentrated on the breath. Yoga is really telling me how old I have become. Physically, mentally.

But I am glad. Very glad. I am happy that is possible. I hope I can carry it on for good and I continue to get something from it for a long time to come. It might easy tthat my expectations are low... a mere vajrasan pose without it hurting. The next goal is prathnasan without toes hurting… google it. it is so deceptively simple looking that I am embarrassed to tell you that holding that pose sitting in. hey that’s funny…I couldn’t get the image online. It’s the pose where you kneel down a la vajrasan but only your knees and your toes bent inwards touch the ground. Much like the nymph in all the calendar art depicting gods. The one who then is throwing petals in that position. Most temples you will see people kneeling in that position. Most corridors in schools also you will see the kids kneeling in that position. When the teacher is looking you are supposed to keep you butt up but when she glances away you rest your butt on your heels. There now I think you remember it, you naughty boy.

equanimity

My CEO writes a letter to all employees at the start of a New Year. He is a really sharp guy and he sees the situation much better than most others. But of course sometimes I like them and sometimes I don’t. This year was a letter I liked. We have had one roller coaster of a ride in the last few years. An orgy followed by a purge.

I will let his words talk now
“There are two important lessons we have learnt over the years. One, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Two, when things look good, they are not as good as they look. And when things look bad, they are not as bad as they look.
In 2006-2007, we all felt extremely exuberant. We dramatically increased manpower and costs as if there was no tomorrow. Things looked good. But they were not as good as they looked. The threat of the global financial crisis was lurking in the shadows.
From October 2008 to March 2009, things looked bad. In hindsight, they did not turn out as bad as they looked. Thanks to an extraordinary effort of intervention by big governments, the world managed to avert what seemed like a retread of the Great Depression.
The key is not to get carried away on the way up or on the way down. We probably sprinted too fast in 2006-07 and probably slammed the brakes too hard in 2008-09. The ideal path is building at a decent trot and growing steadily.
It is perhaps worth noting that you cross many milestones in a marathon and none in a sprint (unless you are Usain Bolt and the sprint is itself the milestone).
If I had to encapsulate our desired temperament in one word, that word would be equanimity.”

My big lesson on life has been that the first step towards change is to look at yourself and admit to yourself the mistakes you have made. Then only can you look to change and improve. Here the great man admits to his learnings from the ride.
Also I loved the last word take away. Equanimity: The state of being calm, stable and composed, especially under stress. The ‘especially under stress’ words actually belie the truth. One needs to be calm and stable against a seemingly irresistible force. These forces can be interpreted as positive or negative. A stable mind is required both ways. Basically it is the mind that does not get carried away.
Another incident comes to mind: Once my team was under severe stress and we went to our boss. The boss very wisely said that right now you look at it and it looks very large. Wait and watch as time passes by. This problem will over a period of time look very small and you will wonder what the fuss was all about.

Mind Memory

Of all the things I want to lose the last thing I want to lose is my mind. And the only thing I won’t realize losing when I lost it is… my mind. OPPOSITES RULE!! Mind is such a powerful object. It can run you or ruin you (sorry for the bad figure of speech). It’s also very difficult to control. I have tried my entire life to control and harness the power of the mind. But to very obvious noting, they have turned to near naught. A few leanings though…..Over a period of time the mind learns to deal with a vast majority of problems only if you have conditioned it to learn and keep learning. I feel that there always connections in the brain that keep happening and reinforcing. These connections over a period of time give you conviction and character. Personally it has been fascinating to note how the mind evolves as an object that merely responded, to an object that has learned to respond. More like muscle memory in sport. There is something I believe in ‘mind memory’. If given sufficient scenarios played in your mind then most likely, the mind will be well equipped to handle it when the need arises. It also what some people call being paranoid. A state of readiness and effective call to action will be achieved only if one borders on paranoia. This is basically to envisage a range of possibilities that can arise given a situation and then condition the mind to be prepared for the next steps once it happens. This is also simply called margin of safety. One has to envisage the range of probable options, visualize solutions / course of actions and then let go. If you constantly think about it then you are only creating a paranoid state. This state is only required in war. And if you are on war front constantly then it can only add to your stress. So I try (also recommend) the old scout motto – be prepared. That’s all there is to it.
So next time the teacher / boss catches you day dreaming tell her that you were mind memory’ing. So that’s should be a valid excuse to get you out. But you would also need to mind memorize what to do if you get caught in the first place. What shit.