no 'more coffee'

Coffee increases heart rate I think. The research if iffy but  most of tem seem to agree that there is some effect there. Yesterday I had coffee day. One coffee in the morning and then some more in the evening. Th evening coffee was a potent brew.

We were out of fresh coffee so I remembered one shop selling tea and coffee open during the lockdown. I guess they are essential activities for most. Coffee and tea. I went there only to find that he was telling me that the coffee is all over and they are getting no fresh stock. He asked me to try in a few days. While I was walking back home, suddenly I could get a strong smell of coffee. I stopped in my tracks and was wondering where it came from. I couldn’t see any shop open. Just then I saw a few meters ahead, hidden, a small shop selling coffee. Part of the chain of shops called Phillip tea and coffee, this guy was grinding fresh bean. Wow.

I went up and asked. He was grinding his top bean called the highlander at 700 bucks a kilo. I took a kg of his stuff and went home. This smelt potent. I mad ethe coffee in the traditional filter and had it in the evening. That is the last time I am having coffee as strong as that when I have nothing much to do. In a few hours I felt my heart rate just go up a bit. Nothing alarming but I now wanted something to do.

I couldn’t walk around; I couldn’t read anything – I was just sitting there, and my mind was racing. In these difficult times, the only thing I was thinking about was, how screwed we were with Covid. I could only think that the worl dis going to run into chaos and anarchy and that we will all be out of job. Luckily over the years I know when I am getting negative. I can see myself doing it.

Immediately I tried to snap out of it. First thing – admit to myself I am negative; then admit to Jasmine I am negative. Then think through – A ha – it’s probably the coffee and nothing to channelize the thinking and time and energy. Acceptance is important.

Negative zones are difficult zones. Its not easy. Years ago, I remember my brother helping me realise negative zones. There was a friend of his who would talk negative all the time. And we would make fun of it. He would invite him over and purposely start a conversation. Then when he left we would laugh like crazy. I have learnt not to be like that. And more importantly avoid people like that.

When my friends talk negative, I try and run away from them. I try and stop them from being too bitter or too negative a zone. Sometimes I too get there. You can’t avoid slippages. What you can is acknowledge them. Try and understand where they come from. For me Covid is a genuine crisis. Its too big and large to disappear. For the first time in humankind and economics, there had been a disruption/ displacement of labour, capital and Land (I substitute land for physical elements of the supply chain). All three are disrupted and people have left consumption.

It is probably great for the environment but as economics 101 goes, we are up shit creek. Maybe we will come back from it. May be there will be price to be paid and sacrifices taken. May be some will be more affected than most others. Maybe we will all come out of it better and stronger. Or we come out of it just slightly bruised. But my learnings and thinking and what I know – I don’t think so. I think the probabilities are stacked against us as a race. The disruption will be large as I see it.

I think I am strong enough to survive. I think I am bold enough to take challenges head on. I think we have saved enough to manage tough times. When I sit back and think – nah – I think I get by. At worst it will be tough, but I think with my thinking and clarity – we should be able to make it through.

The challenge is not the external circumstances. The challenge is internal. If I am negative before the shit hits, then I am lost. When it hits, I must be positive. I must face it and navigate. One reason I have not given away any of my old books is so that if there is ever a situation where I don’t have enough money – I will reread all of them. Its funny but that I how I think.

I like being prepared for the worst. I normally think the tough decisions in my life quietly and only open my mouth when I am in a better frame. Typically, I like to imagine worst case situation. When stress levels go up, I only think – worst case, what is the worst that can happen. I try and think of that, then I imagine how I will react. Then I imagine if I would be ok (I am always ok) and then its good. Now go to sleep.

When I wake up, I am happy, positive and able to take on the shit that the world throws me. I am sure more stuff that’s bad will happen to me. It will happen to all of us. I can only hope that I am prepared and more important positive in the light of this. I want to die a happy man not an irritating senile man who is pissed with the world. The point of life is happiness, not crankiness and definitely not negativity.

Understanding this about myself is one of the greatest gifts I feel I have. Being able ot know, I am angry, being able to see I am negative and that I want to do something about it. I would have loved to be a positive at all times person but that would mean that there is no difference between me and an optimistic Bambi. Ups and downs are part of life – you can only choose your reaction to it. Choose well. You have to live with it.

brain wave

What is depression? I find it hard to understand it. I think it’s like hunger. You can write reams of paper on it but you can’t really understand it till you actually feel it. I have never be able to really understand it at its depths. I have seen a few patients suffer from it and I wonder. When I was younger I tried to get people off it by talking to them and by trying to counsel them, but this was pretty much useless. I leant that people have their own battles to fight and the reasons can be both purely biological and psychological. It’s easy to lecture when you are on the other side but it’s extremely difficult when you face it yourself, I guess.

No I am not depressed or experiencing extreme sadness for now, if you are wondering. But yes, I am facing some not so happy mood swings right now. They seem to be irritate me right now as I fight them off. A few things are triggering them – first when I was in US, the first Sunday that I was free and by myself was horrible enough. Sitting in a foreign town and wondering whom to talk to and what to do is tough enough for me. At 42, I have seen a lot of life. Earlier when I used to go abroad, or out of town there was a sense of newness and a sense of exploration and taking in the sights. But now I guess that also has worn off a bit and now some amount of déjà vu set it and it was a tough day. Plus I went to a family place like an aquarium and completely lost it. Alone, in a separate land with happy families around me –oh dear, I was so home sick. But funnily, it lasted till lunch. On a full stomach, I just felt a lot better. Possibly it was the biology of it more than the mind.

Right now, Jasmine is with Jispa in Delhi for an event for 7 days. This is really hard for me. I don’t like empty houses and I hate being alone without my family. Luckily I have a packed schedule but it still gets to me. I think I just get angry at the world and it comes out in funny ways. I have learnt to just smile and know that this too shall pass.

Coming back to depression. I can seem to understand some of this of what goes on in peoples mind. Right now my mind refuses to see reason and forgive or hold patience. It is angry and tired. I have to reign it in. Tougher said than done. This is a small and tiny bit of what I think depression goes through. Who can talk to you when you don’t want to listen? How can you will your brain to outwit itself? When you are pissed every argument is in favor of your brain and what it seems to think. Mind has a way to thinking itself to its own reason. This is crazier than ever. I have always believed that i have a decent mind but it thinks all the time.  Like my good friend Sonal tells me, I need to give my brain a rest. She threatens to give a coloring book. Nothing can be tougher for me than a coloring book. Doing aimless, completely aimless, irrational waste of time with no learning… oh dear me, I would completely fry out.

 So it’s difficult to understand how the brain works. We don’t understand how our own brain works and here we are supposed to lead a bunch of people and manage their brains as well. How the hell does it work? We have barely been able to deduce any of its contents and its functioning.

How do I try to manage my own brains and my complexity – let me tell you about myself more than about anyone else? I have learnt that my brain is quite a tireless worker and it needs to be constantly challenged. It seems to like a challenge and like to do interesting things. It wants to learn all the time and it wants to spread all its power for the common benefit of all. It has many moods but it can be coaxed by its different parts to allow itself to be molded. It can laugh at itself. Which I think is one of the biggest assets that it can have.

I have allowed the luxury of my brain to laugh at itself. This is not a small easy step. This is a significant step. This allows me to be sad or happy or cry or angry or anything and then look at myself and laugh. This way I understand what I am going through without really being too perturbed by it. I like to look at my own emotions form an outside in perspective. It helps me also realize how I am being perceived and help me evaluate myself slightly more objectively. And fundamentally – it helps me look at my own emotions and … and laugh at them. I don’t think I can after a point control my emotions. I can check them but they do give way and at that time all one can do is look at them and think about them. Once I think about them and laugh then I can change – either immediately or possibly learn from it for the future. This is the simple effect of laughing at yourself.

This is my brain and this is how it has worked for me in the past. But one thing is for sure, the brain is an extremely complex piece of work with so many factors working on it and changing it and shaping it. It is fool hardy to control it or manage it. One can only look at it and manage it one small dot at a time.

I think as I am getting older I am begging to sound more and more like a cynic. A lot of variables that I thought are under control on closer scrutiny give way to randomness and chance. Within chance how can you have the notion of control? And how can you then change it by force of will. I think change can be enforced by perseverance more than anything else. You can manage through a concerted effort over a period of time by consciously trying and getting better at it, slowly. I have learnt many things and I have learnt a lot by simply seeing other people in action. But I think I also learnt a lot by seeing myself in action. Seeing what my rational or irrational mind is up to, playing these decisions again and again in my head and then seeing if I could improve them. This has been the cornerstone of my improvement program.

You know yourself the best and you have only yourself to fool. Yes my brain has fooled myself on multiple occasions but at least I try to learn from it. I may choose to get screwed again but then I know it was my fault. It’s been fun living this dual identity in my head. The ability to look at myself from an outside in perspective. It’s been lovely.

Here before you go, a lovely video explaining why you shouldn’t listen to your parents for your career decision. I have been seeing that propagating that thought forever. Don’t listen to your parents. They mean very well and they have your best concerns at their heart – exactly why you should not be listening to them. No good ever came about from listening to your parents on career. I try and explain the various skills required to Jispa but I definitely do not try and influence her career decision. I hope she doesn’t take a lot of my advice. Right now – I am constantly advising her one thing – learn to code. That’s my hangover from the US trip. Learn to code. Anything you do in life will be dictated by your coding knowledge, more than anything else. No profession will be immune from code. NONE. Bet your dad never gave you that advice. My dad advised me to learn computers, I disregarded it … joker..

up close and personal

V-inu left his camera with me as it needs to be serviced for some minor issue. He also left his lenses. One of them is the favourite 50 mm f1.4 lens. Basically it’s a lens that gives some amazing depth of field. I got it to office to take some photos that we can put in the brochures. Some standard photos of telephones, laptops, handshakes, pens, globes etc... the standard clichés in all private banking brochures.
Its also a great lens for portraits. While I was fiddling with it in office I realised that I was taking some nifty photos of people up close. While some of the colleagues were enthusiastic, some others were really camera shy. After the enthusiastic ones got even more enthusiastic on seeing the results, the shy ones opened up. Then almost everyone was posing. Some will remain irritably shy. These are ones who seem to be so conscious of themselves and come up with the standard, I don’t look good in photos. I will somehow try to break them down today. But forgiven the odd one or two the others were so excited about their photos being taken. The results are quite nice and they love themselves. To see their smile is amazing. The glitter in their eyes when they see the screen is so heart warming. I think people are genetically tuned in to see their faces and other people faces. They love it. So I started shooting only close ups. The cheer that got spread was amazing. People clamouring to get their photos clicked. I so loved seeing them smile and laugh.
I am planning to click all these guys and then print them silently and one day in the morning, stick them all in the conference room on our floor. It would do wonders for their happiness that day. I am so sure.
So off I am clicking away. Will let you know what happens further.

Random musings of a man who might have found the 'theory' to happiness...

There seems to be a clear trade off between being big and being good. Why is growth a given. Can we choose not to grow and instead focus on values that are close to our hearts? Is it possible to have a simple life and choose not to grow? Is it possible for a company to stay where they are and refuse the opportunity to grow? We tend to judge success by outward size. We tend to believe that size is the only thing that matters. When I look at my career and look with some satisfaction at what I might have achieved / not achieved, what matters? The size of my pay packet, the size of my desk, my team, what? When a company grows larger and larger chasing growth, how do you judge it? The size of its sales, employee force, balance sheet, what?
Whenever I think about this and go home all disturbed, I see my daughter, my wife. The answer is right there… blowing in the wind… (Sorry couldn’t resist that one). Too many businesses pursuing growth and expansion, when they should be pursuing happiness and satisfaction. What is the matrix of human achievement at the end of it all? Happiness and satisfaction. Can growth give you that? This is not meant to be rhetoric.
The point of satisfaction is different for different people. Some will never stop. They are the Chasers. They create jobs, money and income for all. They are valuable for the advance of society as we know it. The ones that see a point and stop are the Anchors. They bring happiness and content to our lives. They bring solidity and support. They help balance the energy. The perfect yin and yan of our lives. As always one must not impose on the other. Families typically do well to have a mix of both in their lives. The Anchor role is typically played by the older and the Chaser role by the younger. Allowing for both philosophies to exist might be an important part of family life. As families get nuclear the importance of retaining this balance is even more important.
Friends play a large role in this as well. We at different points of our lives oscillate between the two. Chase, Anchor. After running like a plucked chicken all day, one recognizes and appreciates the calming influence of a friend who quietly listens and slows down the pace. When being down and out, a friend who encourages you to be up and doing is being the Chaser. You could be a Chaser one moment and an Anchor the next. I doubt if there are people who sit only on one side of the fence, never to traverse the other side.
Understanding that there is a Chaser and an Anchor in you is an interesting part of your self understanding. Realizing that these opposites can exist and that you willfully allow them to exist as well is important. Choosing when to allow which beast to run is THE ART.
While the twains coexist, at a point of decision you must choose. You cannot straddle the middle line. Yes, no or at the best abstain. You may wait till you have the time but given the time for choice a firm choice must be made either way. We face irritation when we do not release that we want to be both. I somehow visualize Tarzan here. He swings from one vine to another. Picture this, Tarzan swinging from one vine holds another and does not let go of either. He is pretty much stuck. Quite a funny picture. I could not resist drawing this. It is a vivid picture in my mind.

I am sure is this position he would be feeling pretty ‘stuck’. Let go of one.

While I say ‘let it go’... a tune got stuck in my head… let it go, let it go, let it go… I kept searching for it and I couldn’t find it anywhere. Till I realized I had got my words and tune mixed up. I was humming – let it snow let it snow let it snow… sure enough… I got it… here you are a Dean Martin classic I assume. I love the tune. And I still like singing… let it go let it go let it go.