One of the things I learnt in life is that people have
opinions. I have opinions, people have them and everyone has different degrees
of strength in their opinions. The truth and the strength of the opinion is
generally inversely proportionate. That is a happy home truth. If you come from
the premise (where I come from) that all truth is relative then all statements are
opinions, because all of what you say is dependent on the truth you know or
have been taught. The best amongst us understand that and hence always temper
their opinions. They understand that and hence qualify their statements as
opinions. This has been one of the biggest learnings in my life – that no one
really knows anything and that you have to sit there and try it and understand
it to really know what you think you know. That too is the truth relevant at
that point of time, till better data or more data or a better understanding of
data changes it. Why am I spewing this shit? I had a nice experience recently
that made me laugh at myself. I too am quite a joker, but the only hope I have
is that I am admitting to this paradoxical behavior in myself.
So – I was going through some professional crisis. It was
quite painful and in the flux of it all, it was taking some amount of time for
me to reinvent myself. But just as the crisis was hitting its peak, something stupid
happened.
A week ago, in the morning I took Jispa to the pool and then
went to play Badminton. When I was about to leave after the game at the gymkhana
I realized that I couldn’t find my wallet. I did remember distinctly taking it
but, for some reason, I couldn’t find it. I searched around at the court and
then at the reception, where I sit in the morning and all the way to the car. I
checked the Gymkhana records – I hadn’t swiped my card at the reception and
hence possibly I did not get it today morning. So, then I went home, hoping that
I left it somewhere there. When at home I couldn’t find it, I was seriously
disturbed. Seriously.
Losing a wallet is not that disturbing as is it being the
last straw breaking what was already a shitty week, mentally. I couldn’t get
any lower. And that’s when the question of faith always hits me.
I was brought up a Hindu Jain (that in itself is a paradox)
and I grew to be an atheist. It took some amount of real mind work from my side
to stop believing that there is a God. The process took over 20 odd years. From
the time I stopped asking God for favors to the time I actively stopped believing
in him. It’s been an interesting story. As a father, I have taken some
decisions and Jispa doesn’t know God. She had a conversation recently with her
teacher on using the lowercase G for writing god in her essay and he teacher
corrected her. While on one hand as a father I have been extremely proud of
this, a small little voice inside of me is wondering – what happens when shit
will hit the roof? Whom will she turn to. Man created God to explain the wondrous
nature and the stroke of luck that we encounter while we get on with our life.
It explains the unexplainable. When things happen without much explanation, a
supreme power is always the best to explain it all. It becomes easier to handle.
The ancient philosophy versus the scientific philosophy to my
mind is centered behind this conundrum. Science teaches us to think through and
understand cause and effect. Everything can be explained but only the
explanations haven’t been found out yet. The counter is simple – at the core
itself, life is unexplainable and hence what meaning are you searching for.
My understanding of Jainism at its core is - forget all this
– find harmony in your life as part of a greater eco system without wondering
about cause and effect.
Cause and effect in science is explainable through
experiments and in religion through God.
So when shit hits the roof, as it well; when unexplained
phenomena happens with you as the only sufferer, when despair is all around and
when you are alone; where will you find reserve and resolve? Will you find it
inside of you or do you need someone outside looking at you and telling you,
that you can do it, escape it, solve it, manage it, sleep through it?
I have had a childhood corrupted by faith. Like the songs of
the 80’s and Amitabh Bachchan who cannot be removed from my psyche, no matter
how much I try, so cannot be faith. I haven’t had a life changing moment that
cancelled my faith. It has been a slowly drip murder. Funnily enough, this
means that my faith is never really dead, but is merely sleeping. Waiting to pounce
on my weak moments, helping me fight back. I seriously wonder what will Jispa
do. In ten years time, I would like to talk to her on this topic more than
anything else, and then 20 years hence and then on my death bed. What is a
life, untarnished by faith?
But coming back – I lost my wallet and I was pissed as hell.
I conversed once with god (small G) and asked what the hell man? I immediately
laughed and reminded myself that I am an atheist and there isn’t anyone to
listen, dear boy. Then when I searched at home and I didn’t find it, I remembered
my granny’s little mantra that helped her find stuff that was lost. She taught
it to us as kids. I am going to share this mantra with you and its worked for
me many times. So when you lose something and you want it you say “paan khagar
badri wala, hun saath waar hehe karis, maari vastu madi jaay toh!” translation –
Paan Khagar Badri Wala (some dude I think), I will do (say, enact whatever) “hehe”
seven times, if I find my belonging. And yes – you guessed it right – this atheist
and non believer and a ritual hater – said it to himself. I did it. And I smiled
to myself. I believed in Paan Khagar Badri Wala while rejecting God (big G).
I stepped into the shower smiling at myself. I was amused by
my own beliefs and fundamentals. While I was in the shower, the phone rang. I
quickly wiped myself and ran out. I picked the phone and it was from the gymkhana
– “sir, we found your wallet. It was stuck inside of the seat of the sofa.” Haha.
Mr Badri Wala did not fail me, it so seems. I laughed at myself and did the
next logical thing. The mantra bounds me to a promise that I have to do hehe,
seven times as payback. Hence – I hehe’d seven times after this call. A promise
is a promise.
I so laughed at myself. My faith had been tested and it came
out victorious. I didn’t know what to say or feel. I wanted faith to lose but I
wanted my wallet to be found. If I was scientific – I would have believed that the
wallet would have been found in any case and if I had not conversed with god
and Mr Badri wala, I would had greater faith in myself and in our people’s
honesty to return wallets; and if I was a man of faith, it would have made it
only stronger.
The fact is that the answer is far more complex. I myself don’t
know what a man I am. I am a man made of faith but run on logic; or as I write
it – I am made of logic but run on faith. Oh dear me. I will never know what I truly
am; the experiment is forever vitiated.
But Jispa should be a classic case here. Will see ‘hehe’
seven times when she wants her belongings found? Will she simply shrug off bad
luck as what it is – luck. Will she attribute her success to her as that what it possibly is – luck. The luck of draw
that creates an envrironment around you and infuses you with a gene pool conducive
to making it work for you. Sure, I am being very pessimistic here and
attributing luck to most things. Surely your own ability calls for some credit
but then I would give both sides ability then – good and bad things happen
thanks to your ability. I am happy with that.
But after all this – I was so happy with myself. I found
myself acting so silly and so full of faith. I loved the contradictions in
myself. The seeming opposites stayed alive in one brain at the same time. Your initial
growth and upbringing is vital but not necessarily an unshakeable attribute as
you grow. But as you grow and learn new things, you don’t really forget the old
things. Together as they forge in your head, they sometimes create an
interesting mish mash of attitudes and beliefs. These obviously work seamlessly
in your head. You don’t see contradictions in any of them but to the outsider who
uses his own logic finds them stupid and counter intuitive. How many times, I must
have got frustrated with people who seemingly create contradictory eco systems
in their heads and it drives others up the wall. The big lesson for me to learn
here is that which I said as I started the blog – opposites reconcile.
