opposites reconcile in faith as well

One of the things I learnt in life is that people have opinions. I have opinions, people have them and everyone has different degrees of strength in their opinions. The truth and the strength of the opinion is generally inversely proportionate. That is a happy home truth. If you come from the premise (where I come from) that all truth is relative then all statements are opinions, because all of what you say is dependent on the truth you know or have been taught. The best amongst us understand that and hence always temper their opinions. They understand that and hence qualify their statements as opinions. This has been one of the biggest learnings in my life – that no one really knows anything and that you have to sit there and try it and understand it to really know what you think you know. That too is the truth relevant at that point of time, till better data or more data or a better understanding of data changes it. Why am I spewing this shit? I had a nice experience recently that made me laugh at myself. I too am quite a joker, but the only hope I have is that I am admitting to this paradoxical behavior in myself.

So – I was going through some professional crisis. It was quite painful and in the flux of it all, it was taking some amount of time for me to reinvent myself. But just as the crisis was hitting its peak, something stupid happened.

A week ago, in the morning I took Jispa to the pool and then went to play Badminton. When I was about to leave after the game at the gymkhana I realized that I couldn’t find my wallet. I did remember distinctly taking it but, for some reason, I couldn’t find it. I searched around at the court and then at the reception, where I sit in the morning and all the way to the car. I checked the Gymkhana records – I hadn’t swiped my card at the reception and hence possibly I did not get it today morning. So, then I went home, hoping that I left it somewhere there. When at home I couldn’t find it, I was seriously disturbed. Seriously.

Losing a wallet is not that disturbing as is it being the last straw breaking what was already a shitty week, mentally. I couldn’t get any lower. And that’s when the question of faith always hits me.

I was brought up a Hindu Jain (that in itself is a paradox) and I grew to be an atheist. It took some amount of real mind work from my side to stop believing that there is a God. The process took over 20 odd years. From the time I stopped asking God for favors to the time I actively stopped believing in him. It’s been an interesting story. As a father, I have taken some decisions and Jispa doesn’t know God. She had a conversation recently with her teacher on using the lowercase G for writing god in her essay and he teacher corrected her. While on one hand as a father I have been extremely proud of this, a small little voice inside of me is wondering – what happens when shit will hit the roof? Whom will she turn to. Man created God to explain the wondrous nature and the stroke of luck that we encounter while we get on with our life. It explains the unexplainable. When things happen without much explanation, a supreme power is always the best to explain it all. It becomes easier to handle.

The ancient philosophy versus the scientific philosophy to my mind is centered behind this conundrum. Science teaches us to think through and understand cause and effect. Everything can be explained but only the explanations haven’t been found out yet. The counter is simple – at the core itself, life is unexplainable and hence what meaning are you searching for.

My understanding of Jainism at its core is - forget all this – find harmony in your life as part of a greater eco system without wondering about cause and effect.

Cause and effect in science is explainable through experiments and in religion through God.

So when shit hits the roof, as it well; when unexplained phenomena happens with you as the only sufferer, when despair is all around and when you are alone; where will you find reserve and resolve? Will you find it inside of you or do you need someone outside looking at you and telling you, that you can do it, escape it, solve it, manage it, sleep through it?

I have had a childhood corrupted by faith. Like the songs of the 80’s and Amitabh Bachchan who cannot be removed from my psyche, no matter how much I try, so cannot be faith. I haven’t had a life changing moment that cancelled my faith. It has been a slowly drip murder. Funnily enough, this means that my faith is never really dead, but is merely sleeping. Waiting to pounce on my weak moments, helping me fight back. I seriously wonder what will Jispa do. In ten years time, I would like to talk to her on this topic more than anything else, and then 20 years hence and then on my death bed. What is a life, untarnished by faith?

But coming back – I lost my wallet and I was pissed as hell. I conversed once with god (small G) and asked what the hell man? I immediately laughed and reminded myself that I am an atheist and there isn’t anyone to listen, dear boy. Then when I searched at home and I didn’t find it, I remembered my granny’s little mantra that helped her find stuff that was lost. She taught it to us as kids. I am going to share this mantra with you and its worked for me many times. So when you lose something and you want it you say “paan khagar badri wala, hun saath waar hehe karis, maari vastu madi jaay toh!” translation – Paan Khagar Badri Wala (some dude I think), I will do (say, enact whatever) “hehe” seven times, if I find my belonging. And yes – you guessed it right – this atheist and non believer and a ritual hater – said it to himself. I did it. And I smiled to myself. I believed in Paan Khagar Badri Wala while rejecting God (big G).

I stepped into the shower smiling at myself. I was amused by my own beliefs and fundamentals. While I was in the shower, the phone rang. I quickly wiped myself and ran out. I picked the phone and it was from the gymkhana – “sir, we found your wallet. It was stuck inside of the seat of the sofa.” Haha. Mr Badri Wala did not fail me, it so seems. I laughed at myself and did the next logical thing. The mantra bounds me to a promise that I have to do hehe, seven times as payback. Hence – I hehe’d seven times after this call. A promise is a promise.

I so laughed at myself. My faith had been tested and it came out victorious. I didn’t know what to say or feel. I wanted faith to lose but I wanted my wallet to be found. If I was scientific – I would have believed that the wallet would have been found in any case and if I had not conversed with god and Mr Badri wala, I would had greater faith in myself and in our people’s honesty to return wallets; and if I was a man of faith, it would have made it only stronger.

The fact is that the answer is far more complex. I myself don’t know what a man I am. I am a man made of faith but run on logic; or as I write it – I am made of logic but run on faith. Oh dear me. I will never know what I truly am; the experiment is forever vitiated.

But Jispa should be a classic case here. Will see ‘hehe’ seven times when she wants her belongings found? Will she simply shrug off bad luck as what it is – luck. Will she attribute her success to her as that  what it possibly is – luck. The luck of draw that creates an envrironment around you and infuses you with a gene pool conducive to making it work for you. Sure, I am being very pessimistic here and attributing luck to most things. Surely your own ability calls for some credit but then I would give both sides ability then – good and bad things happen thanks to your ability. I am happy with that.

But after all this – I was so happy with myself. I found myself acting so silly and so full of faith. I loved the contradictions in myself. The seeming opposites stayed alive in one brain at the same time. Your initial growth and upbringing is vital but not necessarily an unshakeable attribute as you grow. But as you grow and learn new things, you don’t really forget the old things. Together as they forge in your head, they sometimes create an interesting mish mash of attitudes and beliefs. These obviously work seamlessly in your head. You don’t see contradictions in any of them but to the outsider who uses his own logic finds them stupid and counter intuitive. How many times, I must have got frustrated with people who seemingly create contradictory eco systems in their heads and it drives others up the wall. The big lesson for me to learn here is that which I said as I started the blog – opposites reconcile.