Here is Jispa cutting the cucumbers. I am not a big fan of
her using anything as sharp as a knife and definitely no chance of her cutting
the veggies. I am not sure if at ten years old she is old enough to cut the veggies.
So while we peeled the cucumber and left the table I returned to find her
cutting them. I think she did ask if she could cut the cucumbers. Neither jasmine
nor I answered her. She easily interpreted it as a yes and she started cutting.
My first reaction was to have a go at her, but then I saw that she was super
careful while cutting. Look at the pic. Her left hand is well away from the
place the knife will make the cut. It’s pretty safe. I held back and said “ok, but
don’t cut the tomatoes”. Then the next day again I was slicing the veggies and
she wanted to cut the cucumbers, and I agreed. She then asked me “you said yes?
So now you think I am old enough to cut the veggies?”. “Well no, I don’t think
so. But here cut the cucumbers”. What am I supposed to say? I did say the
truth. I don’t think my kid is grown up yet. I don’t think she knows yet how to
handle a knife and I don’t think she should be cutting the veggies. But she seized
and demonstrated that she can cut the cucumbers and who am I to then rob her independence.
This is critical to evolution. You will force to be
independent. You will push your way into places where you want to grow. There is
nothing to stop the cub from taking over the pride when the time and strength
is right. It’s time for the big cat to move on and forfeit the right to rule.
The faster one understands this the better it is. We can’t keep the cub under
our protection for much longer. Jispa is now ten and by the time she is fifteen
she better be independent. I think she is going to make rapid strides in
independence in these five years. More than anything that we would be able to
handle. Both jasmine and I need to learn to give up and give way. This is
genetically coded in her and this is essential for her survival. How much
should I plan for her and how much can protect her. the good old adage ‘protect
where you must and permit when you can’ rings true. And as your child grows up
the latter takes precedence over the former. Slowly slowly it’s become easier
for me to let her be. The problem is that the risks are very large and till
they are able to handle it I am unable to bear the burden of their probabilities.
A child will fight for independence and the patriarch must
find a way to give it. In a way that both co -exist and exist so in harmony. I too
walked away from my old home in a bid to carve out my own niche. I felt far too
restricted and constrained to be able to live freely. Passing on the baton is
crucial to long term survival. The challenge is to pass on at the right time in
the right manner. You read of the strife that people have over ancestral property,
that kids are fighting with their elders over the money and property and most
importantly the business that needs to be inherited. It’s easy and obvious to
think that the son is wrong in this case. It is his duty to take care of the
elderly and move on in a manner there is least resistance. But then the father
is also at fault. From day one, the child is expected to take over the reins
and is taught that all of this will logically once belong to him. That he has
to run it independently and when he does so the father is threatened and wants
to still take string control. It is there in business and is present in homes
at well. Even at home there is a power struggle as to who rules the house. I
have heard this and I assume so have many – this is my house and in my house
you have to stay by my rules. What this leads to is different under different
circumstances – one – the growing boy will lead a revolt to either take over. This
will happen when the stakes are relatively large. He will mount a coup. The
second – the boy stays put and stays with simmering rage. Third – he walks away
and risks bad ties forever. Fourth – Stays put and loses identity and worse –
loses his notion of independence.
Coexistence is always the fifth option. But that takes two
to work on it. The parents to allow the child leverage and the child to allow
the parent respectful and happy place in the family. Enough moral science books
(possibly written by the elderly) put the focus on this squarely on the
shoulders of the accommodating child, but the reality is always a bit convoluted
and murky. Who started it? Who set the ball rolling? Who allowed for
independence and groomed for it only to keep it subdued. That’s why reality is
always a relative thing.
One old student came and asked me for advice. He was telling
me that in interviews he loses out because he calls a spade a spade. “is that
so? And how do you know it is a spade. Dude, reality is always multi-faceted. “.
I raise my right hand and asked him “what do you think I am doing? From one
angle it’s a Hi, from another it’s a slap and from the third it’s a karate
chop. What the hell is a spade?” I too was a lot like him. I possibly still am
a lot like him. I too loved calling a spade a spade. How does that help? How do
you know it’s a spade to start with? You have to see all the angles and at best
you can remark that from your angle it looks like a spade and that in all probability
it is a spade and assuming it is a spade, this is what I am going to do.
Well that’s enough for now. Simply put – I hope Jispa grows
up fast. I hate it and I would love her to be my small baby forever, but I really
would love her to grow up fast and strong. I hope to happily take a backseat
when she drives forward, relaxed in the knowledge that she has learnt what she
has to and the stage is set for her to perform. Clapping quietly is an art form
to hone. Possibly her swimming is helping us grow up. Every time I talk to her I
realize that her knowledge and understanding is far greater than mine and I am
completely mesmerized when she talks about her swimming, I realize that I know
so little about something that she can talk long and strong on. I want to be the
sponge to absorb all I can. At best I can guide her mentally or ensure she doesn’t
stress out too much, but on the whole it’s my role to step back and keep her
towel ready, water bottle handy and food warm and shut up and enjoy the
competition. Hopefully I may say something intelligent, but on the whole, the
shadow belongs to me.
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