Stay relevant . fight

Reinventing yourself is so bloody important. Reinventing relationships are important. Reinventing your passions and your reasons to be are important. Nothing is constant as you grow older. Everything changes, the relationships and their interplay change over a period of time.

We need to keep evolving on everything and this can sometimes, many times cause stress. When Indians go abroad many a time they can be accused of being in a time capsule. They notions of India and Indianess is define by the time they left shores. They have been unable to move from their last notion of India.

Similarly, every time I wake, I start from where I left off yesterday. Parenting Jispa for one. It’s a question of constantly reinventing oneself. By merely having by birth the right to be a father is the stupidest thing that one can want. You have to earn it every day. This Saturday I was teaching about margins to my kids in college. What is margin and what constitutes margin. It is not as easy subject to grasp. People will constantly make the mistake of missing one component for another. When you look at the supply chain you will realize that margin compensates the component of the supply chain in line with its role, risk and reward. I was thinking in my head that while a lot of kids got it wrong, I would assume that a lot of these concepts Jispa would intuitively get right. Jispa probably doesn’t know what kind of dad she has. She probably underestimates the breadth of experience and wisdom I bring to the table.

These days while studying etc, she doesn’t need/ take my help. So yesterday I was talking to her while we were watching the swim races in the stands. We were waiting for her races. It was too much fun. This is the interschool races for the international schools. It was a national event. This gave Jispa a chance to directly enter the all school nationals through a much easier route. International schools are few and far in between in the country and most of them have very small classroom strengths and total over all student strengths. You can’t expect too much competition with these numbers. So while we were watching the races, I was enjoying the rank amateurs swimming in the nationals.

In in one race you will see national level medalists swimming alongside swimmers who haven’t ever been in 50-meter pool in their life, let alone swan at a stretch for than 20 meters. You can make out by the way they stand at the stand and their body structures. Young fit six pack athletes in their advanced costumes standing next to podgy fatted kids wearing their summer swimming costumes. I was dissing them for 10 minutes, in a very stand up way and laughing with Jispa at these kids. Yes, I was being very mean and very unfatherly. But these kids had no reason to be in this national competition.

I was also explaining to Jispa that once upon a time, I too was like this as a kid. I went for a swimming competition and almost drowned in the process. I had no business going for a race. Sometimes, we just force these kids into participation for a certificate that we participated at a national level race. But hell.

This is not the point of this story. What is the point of this blog? It is something totally different. Jispa and I were talking and we spoke about how till 7^th grade I was still largely involved in teaching her stuff. She said that now dad, you can’t even help me with anything on studies nah. I am way too advanced for you. AH… nopes kid. I am still a smart guy. I can help you with some of your studies. English and psychology for sure. and the mental aspect of sports science. Anything you do in the technical side, I am not that good. Bio, math etc – you are way ahead but in English and other similar stuff, I am still relevant and awesome. She was like – no you don’t know things like juxtaposition and stuff. We do analysis of vogue covers and stuff and you are not good for that. I had to tell her, not forcefully of course that I can still help you, but its your call.

Sunday evening at home she comes to me and shows me the explanation of the Vogue covers. She has to analyze them. She and her friend wrote a very superficial analysis of the covers. I explained to them that this was bad shit. I helped her understand core values of Vogue. Then who are on the cover – what is the intended effect of the celebs. What are the personality traits that the celebs lend onto the cover and the articles / themes of the cover? I explained how the Venn diagram of the vogue and the celeb intersection is what the cover is about. I basically took her analysis to a whole new level altogether.

At the end of this – I then told her – I am still relevant in your life kid. I am still relevant.

I have to fight every day. Struggle for being relevant in people’s lives. If you take your role for granted, then you are doomed. Fight every day and stay relevant. Else get consigned to the sides. Same for office, spouse, father, friendship, mentor – whatever shit you do. Stay relevant and keep changing.

diligence and dedication

What is it to be a dad? I don’t know but being one does teach you a lot of things. Having patience for one. It can be extremely rewarding and frustrating at the same time and to live with these ups and downs is a part and parcel of being a dad. It compounds with the fact that parenting is a moving target as your child grows up every day. They respond differently and more importantly I as a parent, need to think differently. I have to approach each situation differently, every time it repeats or every new day.

It’s not an easy things and it’s not that it comes naturally. In fact the natural behavior would be to deteriorate your response with the frustration of repetition. At this point, I have to control my instincts and think deeper and reach for resilience from within. I am sure Jispa too needs serious resilience from within to deal with her parents as well. And this will only get tested again and again when she grows up and is independent and doesn’t require us for her growth or wellbeing.

Today morning as I was dropping Jispa to swimming for her morning swim and I reailsed that she had forgotten her flipper bag. Again. Oh dear. There was no point in scolding her or anything. She told me that she will simply borrow a fellow swimmers bag and continue. As I left her and went back home I couldn’t help thinking – Jispa reached her national glory thanks to Jasmine doggedness. We put her in swimming and then the program took over. Jasmine found her calling in Jispa’s program and supported her. We drove her to every swim meet, we sat in the background and fed her, we got her ready for school and dropped her, we cooked her special food and basically ferried her every where and got her to stick to her swimming program.

Left to her own, I don’t think the kid would have done it. Today as we have relaxed our oversight into her program she has slipped and how. She doesn’t train as hard, she bunks at will and we realize - she is not destined for pushing herself to achieve greatness. She is a good person. A nice toughish kind of kid but she is not the natural born self-motivated sportsperson who can continually achieve greatness by virtue of relentless unsupervised practice. She is not eklavya who can make a statue of her teacher and practice away. In Many ways she reminds me of me.

I think my dad would have said that I have never fulfilled my potential as a kid growing up. In sports or in studies. Procrastination was my thing and diligence was never it. It’s only when I grew up in life and when life kicked me in the backside that I realized the value of diligence and dedication. Anything that does not have it will not get achieved. And never to your satisfaction. I think Jispa achieved what she did in swimming was because Jasmine showed these two things in helping Jispa grow with the program. My job was diligence and dedication to Jasmine’s cause. It wasn’t my thing. Even today I tell Jispa, its ok, relax, live your life, have a childhood, and don’t bother training so hard now.

Jispa will grow up and understand these things. She is better than most other kids. I am sure. She can still manager her swimming and her studies and the simple fact that she continued to swim all these years, makes me convinced that she has it in her to grow. I am not criticizing her but making the difference between kids who are good (damn good) and kids who are great. Look at the current Indian captain. After breaking into the cricket team and the big league did her realize that he has to work even harder and train like crazy if he has to break into the all-time great lists. He was a chubby child and now he is a pinnacle of fitness and hard work. I was a lazy worker and now I put in 12 hours a day trying to get things done. It takes time to grow into what you want to do in life and when you get it, then you can go for it.

I am sure Jispa will be a great coach or a good teacher or an awesome worker. She should do well. She has a lovely disposition that she got from her mother, an understated ambition (mother again) and an ability to explain her thoughts (now that’s me). This is her and I am quite proud of her. She is a far better kid than I was at her age.

Just a few days ago we had this conversation on which subjects to choose and which to drop. I told her to screw career and follow what you love. Finally she chose basis the best teachers she would get. That’s a smart choice. All subjects are good. It’s the teacher who makes us love a subject. Now she chose physics on the basis of the teacher and immediately she loves it. That’s a great choice kid. Connect to people and you will always be rewarded. Pick people you love and work with them. Then it’s always easier to handle every issue that comes your way.

Silver

After all these years of crazy schedules, hard work and complete madness, now I am satisfied. Done. I am now a tired parent. This thing has taken a huge toll on me and I am sure it has taken a massive one on Jasmine, as well. We have worked our lives around a hope and in the end, we have something really big to show for it.

The year also has been nasty for Jispa. She has been unwell, muscle injury and exhaustion to cope with. She runs on two fronts – school and swimming simultaneously. She aims to achieve greatness in both. This year she faltered for no real fault of hers but in the end, she finished strong. After a strong showing at the Mumbai selection meets, we were superbly satisfied and honestly, I could expect no more. Then she finished strong at the state selection meet where she had a bagful of medals. This was too much for me, personally. It was more than what I dreamt of or even aspired for. Now at the just concluded Nationals, Jispa comes back with a Silver which she won as a part of a medley relay team. Wow. A national medal! In an age group that spans three years and she is the youngest. That was some achievement.

Jispa is not a naturally gifted swimmer or a naturally gifted athlete. It’s tough for her. It’s not like we threw her into the pool and she started winning. Winning has been a tough one for her. She has seen so many years of participation without real glory. This is her second nationals in so many years. She would qualify for state and then not win. There are far too many talented girls in swimming and it’s tough when you are not naturally gifted.

We kept the swimming schedule on hope. And her wish. She wanted to continue with her swimming and we hoped that it won’t be cruel to her. Jispa is fit and strong but like me, something is wrong with her overall well-being. As a child, I was so sickly and thin and a complete mess at excelling at sports. I was fit and ran but never the naturally talented guy who could just show up and win. That honor belongs to my brother. I have had to struggle to get anywhere in my life I stood on my own thanks to the grit that I developed in myself. Jispa is also similar. She is not the naturally talented at math or swim or English. She has an ability to think and think through very smartly but that does not automatically mean winning. She also has been notoriously difficult to coach from childhood. She is improving but it’s not that she has to think it and her body follows. Her body over compensates and does its own thing. I sure even her coaches get confused how to treat her. Immense potential thanks to perseverance and hard work but not a natural athlete. Sometimes I think what if she had pursued a sport like badminton or something where you have to not only show technique and skill but you also have to out think the competition. How would that have been. That should be fun.

Right now, that medal around her neck is so much a reflection of Jasmine’s and Jispa’s dedication and doggedness than anything else. How did they do it? When I look at my role, I see that as a minor support and major starter. Starter in the sense that I insisted on sport being a part of her growing up and then always looked to be a part of it. Supporting it in the way that I would get up early to take her and then always be ready to help at all times. But after that, I hardly did much. Most the heavy lifting came from Jasmine. Waking up, cooking, ferrying, talking, discussing, maintaining timings, everything – that was Jasmine. I hardly did anything there. It’s not possible to be a sports kid without having a sports parent with you. One who does all the support and the other who simply lends a small helping hand.

I wonder where Jispa gets all that dedication from. That is another absolute mystery. When you know, there are kids who are far more talented than you and built for water, where do you get that resolve to keep attacking from. How does Jispa do it and do it willingly. She has a quiet ambition in her, a quiet aggression in her, a silent way to keep at it. I am amazed at this quality of hers. I would have given up long time back. So many of her swimmers gave up long time back and so many just couldn’t balance the school and swim together. That in itself is a sign of greatness. This sheer doggedness and ability to push yourself is awe inspiring. If I had half of that while I was growing up, I would have been in a different orbit. I wish I had half of that even now, I guess.

So, this the tale of me being very happy and satisfied. A NATIONAL LEVEL MEDAL. Jispa is a national medalist. I want to frame that medal and hang it on the wall. I asked her if she would be embarrassed by it. (Yes she would be) But then now that I think it, I think I should make a large frame and put a few more medals and keep a big monument to swimming on one side of the wall in the hall. That would be something. Jispa will die of embarrassment. That itself would be worth half the effort.

I find this opposites in her quite interesting. Very high on aggression but at loathe to show it. Very high on perseverance but a very relaxed ‘let it be’ attitude. An ability to get a bit tensed but still maintain her balance. She is not one way or the other. Small small opposites reconcile in her. Loving but only so. Caring but only so. Friendly, but only so. I wonder if she is an introvert or an extrovert. She mixes it up so much. Of course, as parents it drives us up all the walls in the house, but it will be an interesting and endearing quality of hers as she grows up. Her partner is going to go bonkers for sure, but it will serve her well. I sense that she may even have good leadership qualities when pushed to it. The quiet level 5 leadership that is so elusive, but she will need to hone it. Professional determination and personal humility. She exhibits this in her life for now and in what she has achieved. If she continues this as a means of living her life, then she has a chance to end strong. I don’t have this combination in a way that it could be, but Jispa has some tremendous appetite for it. It’s too early and leadership traits as well as decision making traits are difficult to spot for now and they develop as they grow up. But for now – they are fine and I am happy with the signs they show.

Finally – I am a very very proud father today and a proud husband. It’s a biggie and an amazing accomplishment. We have a national level champion in the family. I am so happy. Thank you Jispa and Jasmine. Thanks a lot. It means a lot to me. A hell of a lot.

Be happy

This weekend was an important date for Jispa. She had to swim in the Mumbai swim meet to qualify for the state meet. At first when I attended this meet, many years ago, I saw this meet as the apex meet for swimmers in Mumbai as they strove to get in to the next level. I remember the first time that Jispa qualified. It was the 50-meter freestyle race and I saw the race as she came in fourth. It was an awesome moment for us. I distinctly remember noticing that according to me she came in fifth but the race was very tight and the line judge adjudicated that Jispa came fourth. That was great joyous moment for me. It also meant that Jispa would be representing Mumbai at the relay race and that would mean that a state level Gold was in the kitty. They had an awesome team. Three from that quartet have long given up on swimming since then.

When we put Jispa into swim, we did not realise what we were in for. As a family, I insisted that we live the gymkhana life. I fought and insisted that we take the Matunga Gymkhana membership and finally when we had enough money for it, I went and paid up. For a year we did not use the membership after we got it. Then we went to the gym and understood the sports on offer for the child and badminton seemed to be the perfect fit. Swimming was taken on as an essential life skill for which she was enrolled. She then took that up and now that became her biggest goal in her life and has defined a lot of what she now does.

Jispa has been a good swimmer but has never been able to become a great swimmer. I think sometimes great swimmers are just born. They know how to feel the water and how to remain stream lined while pulling through or kicking through. Most importantly they understand their body and the body responds to instructions. Jispa has been disastrous to teach anything. I have tried to teach her to run but she will over correct and she will then start using her own brain, interpret what you say differently and completely jam your happiness. She probably requires a different kind of coach who can understand what she really is inside of her and correct her accordingly. Simple verbal instructions just don’t cut for her. Hence, she is never going to be there counted amongst the best swimmers of the city. He hard work and dedication to swimming will put her on the forefront but will not put in the great league.

He swimming has been in that respect quite ordinary, but there in right there lies my seething anger. In my life, I have never achieved anything quite what she has. Jasmine neither. We never did go after one sport or one skill so untiringly like Jispa has. Of course, she has had the benefit of supporting parents, but that would be too kind to the parents. She has had the ability to go on, constantly, lap after boring lap, fight her pain and soreness, fight her capabilities and push herself. That by in itself is a humongous achievement. That is why I get extremely annoyed and angry. I get extremely angry with myself. I had the gall to call her achievements quite ordinary. I have the gall to say, that was good but not great. I am a bloody ass and I don’t deserve the achievement that I have see my kid get. This is so damn annoying.

In my life, I represented school once, in the under 13 basketball tournaments by virtue of being selected for the team, thanks to a fluke basket during trials. I fibbed that I could play and god smiled on me during the trails in spite of knowing that I would grow up to be atheist. So we practiced and played one match before we got completely beaten by a phenomenal margin in the first match itself. That’s the best of my sporting achievement. The rest was a few inter class matches and cricket in corporate India whacking unfit corporate zombies who bowled silly hops that could be smashed out of the shortened grounds. I have no business to call anyone’s achievement ordinary, especially that of my child.

On the recently concluded meet, Jispa took part in the back-stroke races and the longer distance freestyle races. You are allowed to take part in only 5 races and Jasmine helped her choose by analyzing the timings and the other participants so that she take the strokes that give her the best chance of going through. Some the top swimmers of her age group couldn’t participate in the races and gave their timings to ensure their qualification for the state meet. The top 6 go through. The end result – Jispa won 4 Golds and 1 silver at the meet. And all the races she won, she won by a huge margin. She came up after every race in a not so happy mood and neither did we really enjoy any of her victories. She had not improved her timings that she had given before and these would not help her qualify from state to nationals. Swimmers and their parents are hardened criminals. They are unaffected by glory and achievement. At the point, afterwards in a few days I lost it. I took Jasmine aside and I took Jispa aside. My message was the same thing. What on earth have we become? WE get no joy in winning. A few years ago, we were so happy to qualify, this time, you have the gold medals, you are the bets that is there in Mumbai. Part of the sport is to swim at your bets and yet manage your studies and other work and to have time to show up at the event. Many swimmers who possibly more powerful than you couldn’t manage studies and swim and that’s why they have given up. That, tight there is your achievement. Being the last man standing is also part of the game. Being there when others have remained absent is part of the game. You too had your exams, but you requested and the school changed the date for you, that’s all part of the achievement and thanks to that you swam your five events – and you won and won big. YOU WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP in your age group. In the end that’s what going to written for ages to come. The why as a family can’t we be happy? Why do chase the nest target. Micheal Phelps got Olympic Golds then he wanted more, then he wanted to be the greatest Olympian in the world… and then so on. Come on, family get happy, smile, celebrate the success. Mumbai has some 1.5 CR  people, of which only a few are crowned champions every year.

This overhang of being dejected and un happy and unsatisfied is pretty stupid. It reeks of journey to self-destruction. Why would you sacrifice so much and then always remain unhappy? Why as a family can we not celebrate the joys in life. I know that as a swimmer, as Jispa asked me, shouldn’t I always strive for more, how can I be satisfied? Yes, we dissatisfied but be happy. There is difference between the two. Always strive for more, but be happy with your got. Savor what you got. Look at that trophy you won, longingly and caress it. Feel the joy, the pain and the achievement. It’s yours and no one can take that from you. We as parents must also realize this. One thing that I did as parent when Jispa swam, was never to ask for her timings and her positions and always be ok about her achievements. In my heart, I would jump in joy or be pained but I would never show it. I thought this is the best level of equanimity shown. It puts the least amount of pressure on the child. No real pressure of delivering. I think it worked as she doesn’t face pressure of winning from me, but I can say with candor that I think it also was disastrous as in, it gave us no joy in winning. I made my kid as cynical as me of winning. I am sorry. I was wrong. I screwed up. This trophy that Jispa won is a testament to my failure as a father. Today if I were to live up the life again, I don’t know what I should have done. Celebrated every competition no matter what the result? That’s not possible given the swim meets we have in a year. The alternative – celebrate every time we win a medal or give a better timing – wouldn’t that celebrate success and deride failure? That is what I did not want.

The unintended consequences of what we seek to achieve by how we behave is so damn irritating. I guess it was the best at that time. But we became such cynical jokers at the end of it all. I am sorry at myself for this. Celebrate the successes and celebrate the failures. Life is short, celebrate. That’s possibly the other option. The consequences of these would be something I would berate later, if I had gone on this path.

Parenting is thankless job. It works amazingly well for the first few years when your child is small innocent bundle and you can hold it close, tight to your heart and eat it up. But soon it gets tougher and tougher on you as the unintended consequences catch up. Possibly right ow I feel like a failure, possibly in a decade I will say that was the right thing to do. As I have always maintained, parenting is something we weren’t taught about. It is something we pick up as we get along. We try to avoid the mistakes our parents did and do new ones. Hence the evolution can easily stop as a skipped generation doesn’t learn from old mistakes. That’s why over the years this blog should be handy. Possibly it may not help Jispa as it may help her child (if she has one). Possibly it will help another young parent reflect on her own strengths and shortcomings. Possibly this introspection as it has helped me will help them be better parents (less likely) and better human beings (more likely).

Like I was telling someone – writing helps me clarify to myself on what I am and what I am about. It helps me slap myself or congratulate myself on the choices and decisions I make. It helps me like teaching – it helps me clear my mind and reinforce my beliefs. That in itself is a good thing. I started writing to leave behind a mark for my daughter to read, it became an indelible for me to be. The unintended consequences of so many things.

But yes, Jispa won the championship and the feeling will sink in later. Possibly after a few days, a few years, a few decades. It is an awesome moment. It is a big moment. It is an achievement to savor. It is something to celebrate. It was a little dream for me. My only other swim dream for Jispa is for her to break a record at any swim meet. Just once – I want her to break a record. She hasn’t done so yet. That’s my not so little dream from her swimming. A national medal? That would be cute as well. Even a relay medal. I would love that as well. But its ok. I am happy for her. I am happy that as a kid she has learnt to be fit and to achieve. She learnt pain and sacrifice. And she learnt a sport. That’s what I wanted her to do when I paid that membership fee after fighting with Jasmine. So, a parent I have to grow up and own up to this achievement and be proud. That all I wanted, I got much more. It’s a good thing that I can’t kick my own derrière, otherwise this deserved a much-needed red sore bum. But in the same breath, I deserve a small quiet pat on the back. I write this blog and I understand where I went wrong and I acknowledge it. This makes me smarter than most others. Only by acknowledgement can one be improved. I will try harder.

--

no reason bonus video: