whats with the lecture?

My brother and I used to fight a lot and sometimes they would get bitter. We would be at blows and we would just not get along. Being younger most of the time I would lose, especially the physical fight and then I would go crying to parents to complain. My brother hated my crying and called me a complainer. What other option I had. As a young kid who lost and was subject to what I thought was unfairness I would complain.

Many times after all this my dad would sit me down and talk to me and I wondered why it that I am getting the lecture is. It was his fault. In many ways I did see dad admitting that it may have been his fault but I needed to improve. I needed not to cry. “why should I not cry. It was his fault to start with. He did this and that… blah blah blah.” I never understood why I would get the lecture. I am correct. I was wronged and hence I must be righted. Justice was not giving me a lecture but my brother getting a lecture. But I felt that I was getting it all.

I remember as a small boy I would cry my heart out and my dad would tell me to calm down. Then we would have a chat and he would explain to me in vain what needed to be done. I understand my dad much better now. In fact in hindsight I was the luckier one. I had those conversations with dad which wouldn’t have happened if he did not choose to lecture me instead of my brother. I really don’t know what conversations he had with my brother. Funnily I don’t remember him having too many which I think may not be the case.

But it took a lot of thought and age for me to realize the answer to my question “why me”. I guess the answer was I was getting the lecture not because I was wrong in the fight. I was probably right or it was impossible to call or even futile to call; but more importantly it wasn’t necessary to call. The bigger issue was how I needed to react. My reaction was wrong. I shouldn’t have fought like that. I shouldn’t have behaved like that. I should have greater control over my reactions. In fights with mom or family, I must remain calm collected and precise. I must open my mouth less. I may be right or wrong but I must understand the bigger picture. It’s a difficult one.

Especially when you are angry. When you are angry it is difficult to stay quiet. You want to talk, you want to blurt out. And if someone elder comes down to you and talks to you instead of the other one, don’t consider yourself unlucky or wronged. You are the lucky one. You will learn from the fight and the other one will lose from the fight.

Most of the times that I have fought I have learnt the most when the elder came to me and told me to look at the big picture. It hurt me at the time. Real bad. But in the long run, I learnt the most from it. But when you are at the receiving end of the lecture, you don’t care two shit for it. You are focused on only one thing – justice or revenge. Which to the accused is one and the same. Talking about which – I think for the first time in my life I think the law and life seems to have taught us – that justice and revenge is one and same thing. Now that is one tough ethical question. In fact I hate to think of it as that. How is justice equated with revenge? Dam it – this post is suddenly troubling me. I will have to leave this question in my brain for some time till I get an answer to this one.

But from another perspective, I think there is great learning just being the elder guy. If you are the one doing the quiet talking then there is so much to learn. You can see the situation from both ends, look at the issues, realize the folly of it all, and learn without getting too hurt.

Teaching is amongst the greatest way to learn anything. A close second to actually experiencing it.