movie memories

Sadashiv Amrapurkar was an actor in Bollywood. Recently he passed away. He was a fine actor. My first brush with him was in his debut film Ardh Satya as the principal villain. I remember watching it with my parents and I remember idle conversations in which my mom said: the movie is not Ardh satya (half truth) but Full Satya. I remember talking intelligently to my friends in the same tone – you should see Ardh Satya – it’s the whole truth or something like that.

My next big brush with him was his really most memorable role in the movie – Sadak. He plays the role of the villain - Maharani – a eunuch who controls the flesh trade in the city.

 This movie was on many levels an interesting one for me. A lot of my childhood was spent on stuff that my brother and sister liked. Right from fashion to music – it was what they heard and liked – and that became the norm for me. Those days it was the time of Sanjay Dutt. My brother loved him. The big guy with long hair, big body and Mahesh Bhatt films. My brother was pretty enamored by his films. Both Mahesh Bhatt and Sanjay Dutt. He liked them both and would spend hours discussing them with me. He even harbored notions of being a big movie producer. His dream was to make a movie with no money at all. All the people would bring in their own monies or work free just to be a part of the movie. He would pride himself on having innovative twists to the plot. In between he would ask me to throw him plot challenges and he would figure the solution. Like how would the hero react to situation etc. Once I decided to really throw him off course. The premise was thus – a hero was entering a town and all the guys with guns are on the rooftops and around and are waiting for him to come in and shoot him. How does the hero come into town and escape? Hah! Obviously we have been highly influenced by too many spaghetti westerns. Think Clint Eastwood. Many years later I realized these were the ‘spaghetti westerns’ as they were financed by the Italians as they loved these western themed movies. The best part was of course the sound – the horse riding and the whistling tune for the theme music. In fact it seems Sholay was inspired by exactly this. They then set the same thing in an Indian context. On a side note – there was another similar movie released before Sholay – khotte sikkey – a similar story of misfit criminals turning vigilantes. So coming back – I thought now I have him. This is an impossible plot – he protested. I stuck to my ground. I remember he later thought about it and came back. His solution – the hero rides into town on a horse and then all the town folk pump all their bullets into him only to realize in the end that it’s only a dummy. They finished ALL their bullets on the dummy and then he walks in fully armed to knock everyone out with ease. I didn’t admit to him but yes, I thought that was pretty cool. Remember these are spaghetti western inspired moves. Everything, especially incredulous is especially possible.

So now we had a Mahesh Bhatt movie with Sanjay Dutt. He had two other movies we loved – Naam and Kabzaa. All his movies had very strong villains. All the support roles were pretty strong as well. There are two scenes which my brother drilled into me as epic. In Naam – the hero walks into a subway to be accosted waiting to kill him. He responds with amazing chutzpah. He tells them that all of them together can kill him but he will not spare the first guy who attacks him. This immobilizes the gang and the hero walks away unharmed. Was this naam or was this Kabzaa – I don’t really know. The second scene is definitely from Kabzaa where Alok Nath is to be killed by two henchmen. He is to be killed in the garden while he takes his morning walk. As they are about to accost him, one guy trips and Alok helps him. Then the henchmen remove the guns. Alok Nath – a Gandhian is not scared and breaks off into a lecture of kindness or something and one of the henchman loses his nerve. The other guy urges him to pull trigger – blah blah – BOOMBOOM…

So when Sadak came in – the posters did raise a lot of hype. The arch villain is a eunuch. I remember watching this movie in Ambernath. We were in a NCC camp there and we asked for an evening off. The CO okayed it and we went in for a movie. The movie was – Sadak. A Sanjay Dutt starrer with Mahesh Bhatt direction. And with an over the top villain – it was the perfect potboiler for high testosterone NCC cadets. There was nothing much about the movie but I remember liking it then. Full action and drama. I think Mahesh Bhatt was well past his prime but all we needed was action and drama. In fact I clearly remember one scene where the hero goes to a red light district. In that district – just in a the scene as extras – there are a bunch of navy uniform clad extras. The whole contingent who was there rose in laughter. That was fun.

So that’s my connection with the gentleman who passed away. Memories...

Bonus - soundtrack of the good bad and ugly

whats with the lecture?

My brother and I used to fight a lot and sometimes they would get bitter. We would be at blows and we would just not get along. Being younger most of the time I would lose, especially the physical fight and then I would go crying to parents to complain. My brother hated my crying and called me a complainer. What other option I had. As a young kid who lost and was subject to what I thought was unfairness I would complain.

Many times after all this my dad would sit me down and talk to me and I wondered why it that I am getting the lecture is. It was his fault. In many ways I did see dad admitting that it may have been his fault but I needed to improve. I needed not to cry. “why should I not cry. It was his fault to start with. He did this and that… blah blah blah.” I never understood why I would get the lecture. I am correct. I was wronged and hence I must be righted. Justice was not giving me a lecture but my brother getting a lecture. But I felt that I was getting it all.

I remember as a small boy I would cry my heart out and my dad would tell me to calm down. Then we would have a chat and he would explain to me in vain what needed to be done. I understand my dad much better now. In fact in hindsight I was the luckier one. I had those conversations with dad which wouldn’t have happened if he did not choose to lecture me instead of my brother. I really don’t know what conversations he had with my brother. Funnily I don’t remember him having too many which I think may not be the case.

But it took a lot of thought and age for me to realize the answer to my question “why me”. I guess the answer was I was getting the lecture not because I was wrong in the fight. I was probably right or it was impossible to call or even futile to call; but more importantly it wasn’t necessary to call. The bigger issue was how I needed to react. My reaction was wrong. I shouldn’t have fought like that. I shouldn’t have behaved like that. I should have greater control over my reactions. In fights with mom or family, I must remain calm collected and precise. I must open my mouth less. I may be right or wrong but I must understand the bigger picture. It’s a difficult one.

Especially when you are angry. When you are angry it is difficult to stay quiet. You want to talk, you want to blurt out. And if someone elder comes down to you and talks to you instead of the other one, don’t consider yourself unlucky or wronged. You are the lucky one. You will learn from the fight and the other one will lose from the fight.

Most of the times that I have fought I have learnt the most when the elder came to me and told me to look at the big picture. It hurt me at the time. Real bad. But in the long run, I learnt the most from it. But when you are at the receiving end of the lecture, you don’t care two shit for it. You are focused on only one thing – justice or revenge. Which to the accused is one and the same. Talking about which – I think for the first time in my life I think the law and life seems to have taught us – that justice and revenge is one and same thing. Now that is one tough ethical question. In fact I hate to think of it as that. How is justice equated with revenge? Dam it – this post is suddenly troubling me. I will have to leave this question in my brain for some time till I get an answer to this one.

But from another perspective, I think there is great learning just being the elder guy. If you are the one doing the quiet talking then there is so much to learn. You can see the situation from both ends, look at the issues, realize the folly of it all, and learn without getting too hurt.

Teaching is amongst the greatest way to learn anything. A close second to actually experiencing it.

dekho - magar pyaar se

One of the reasons that I don’t often blog these days is that my mind seems to be in a complete state of neutrality. I am unable to have strong views or even give importance to my normally strong views. All my life I never had the problem of strong views. I have always been hot headed and relished the chance to express my views. I guess if one were to see my writing style at the start of writing this blog one would possibly see the change over the last few years of my life. I believe I have changed a lot. One of the things that I have become is a … a bit of a cynic? As in I don’t really mean it in a negative way. I can possibly appreciate and understand a lot of stuff that goes around… it’s nice to see a nice play or a good movie or a lovely painting but… it’s not the same unbridled joy that came along with it when I was much younger. When someone did something nice to me or spoke nicely or gave me some importance I would attach a greater deal of value to it. Now I am more… I would like to say circumspect rather than cynical.

I have learned the hard way and the cost of innocence that the world is round. It is interconnected. People do what they want to because of various different emotions, reasons and compulsions. I have realized that no one is doing things just for giving me joy. It gives them joy as well. And I am not being holier than thou here. Even I am party to the same fallacy. I thought I did things for others, selflessly, but I too have my own reasons for doing so. Hence now I see things differently. It does not mean that I don’t enjoy the good things in life. I love movies and I love good friends, especially when they are nice to me. There are so many friends who are genuine in their care for me and my family and I thank them, I appreciate them. Only thing is that I try not to expect a lot of joy to be served to me unilaterally. I hope I making sense, without offending too many people.

Let me rephrase my thoughts – life is nice, people are nice, everything is nice. But I must take care not to take it for granted. I must do my bit to get my share. I must grow up and not expect things to be served to me just because I served it to them. Every person is different. Recognize that. Understand that and love them for who they are and not what they do to you or why they do what they do to you.

Hehehe. I said what I thought was essentially the same thing but with a more positive twist on it. I should get into preaching. The first two paragraphs is what I tell myself when I am in a mood to talk to myself in absolute honesty. I try and be ridiculously blunt to myself. To the point of a scolding. But when I talk to others, I realize that they may not be ready for some real badly said honest feedback. I too hate negative feedback. So at least I hear it from myself rather than hear from others.

One wise man told me, not to look at God also too closely; you will notice even God has blemishes. That is so true. When hold people in high or even exalted status, invariably you try and come closer and then you see them with all their dark spots. And you are left disappointed and even bitter. Things are not what they seem to be. Sometimes as the big marketing guy in office giving all that gyan, or in college lecturing, I am expected to keep an artificially high image that people hold in their hearts of me. I can see it in many eyes or possibly I imagine them in many eyes. The pressure to be a great guy is too much. I am supposed to be a great guy in so many things, that I soon start believing that I am a great guy. Over the last couple of years I realized that I am not such a great guy after all. I need to work hard like everyone else on every issue, being a good dad, a good husband, a good boss, a good friend. Everything. And all the time. It’s tough. Especially when you know you are working hard. That when you expect something back, just because you are working hard. But from the opposite perspective – its simple – that how you are supposed to be – a good _____ (fill in your role).

So life is a really tough thing to live, if you are hard on yourself. The trick is in being hard but taking it all with salt. It is to attempt to live to your values and morals and know that everything is subjective. Jispa can love me just because I let her play with the iPad and hate me because I stuff the banana down her throat before her workout. That’s ok. I have to keep trying hard and be what I think I know what’s best at the time. The trick is not to push too much as what I think is best is transient. It is subject to change, all the time.

One of my role models I realized was my brother. I think my blog writing helped me realize that. A lot of what I do in many places is what I have seen my brother do. Though I would be at loathe admitting it but a lot of his gyan in some way has found itself into my life. One of things he said was I never interfere with other parents and their children. I don’t discipline them or anything. What they do with their child is their problem. I thought that was a pretty good gyan and I try to follow it, to some extent. Of course it becomes impossible to follow it entirely when you are with so many kids as we invariably are. But I saw my brother always follow it and he never interfered with my fights with Jispa. Recently we were in dehra dun at my sisters holiday home and they have a cute pup in their premise which is looked after by the servant as my sister is not often at Dehradun.  My brother has decided not to have kids and they have a dog instead. They take care of Angel as if it’s their child. Now seeing an untrained pup, my brother took it upon himself to train the pup. He spent his time disciplining the pup and explaining my sister and her husband on how to take care of it. At one point he seriously admonished them and the servant for not letting it sleep properly. My brother really scolded the caretaker. Now I was at the sidelines looking at this. How different does one behave when one is confronted with something close to one’s heart? Wasn’t interfering with the dog master relationship the same as interfering with the child parent relationship? Surely its different in many ways but its also the same in many ways.

That’s what I believe by being a little bit more circumspect. Reality is not what we see or perceive it to be. It changes, people change. You only believe what you see. There is so much you don’t see. And in all this what blog do I write – what I see or what I don’t see. All my blogs will start looking like this. This is what I see but there is so much I don’t see. I find it difficult to hold a strong opinion and that is critical to writing. But then that is also a bad excuse, there is still so many experiences to share. They may not be worth writing about in the long run but strung together they are what I have lived and tis blog is about what I have lived so that Jispa many moons later will know what I have lived. It will just be that – a chronicle not a tomb on greater gyan. So with that I hope to write more often. I hope I have admonished myself enough, destroyed myself ego and broke my wall of excuses. Atleast I am my biggest critic or cynic!