Bahut saara gyan!

I got this question in one of my previous blogs as a comment – “This question is unrelated to this post though would really appreciate your thoughts. Till what time is it alright for parents to hold the dreams/aspirations of their children ransom to religion and culture. And after what stage (if at all) is it justifiable to break free of these chains? You are free to choose not to answer at all :)”

Now I officially feel like an agony aunt on national TV.  Most of the time we get to see people with no expertise or experience waxing eloquence on things well beyond their grasp. Under normal circumstances I would have simply answered your question in one word. But these days I seem to be short of blog topics. Jispa has been growing up and all the cute stuff is slowly coming to a close. Most of the stuff I seems to have an opinion on seems to have been expressed already on the blog. What more can I write about. Or possibly my mind is currently in a state of flux. I am growing up and questioning a lot of my beliefs. Life is moving rapidly. Most the time the constant belief that remains with me is that ‘such is life, sit back and enjoy its turns and twists. That is possibly very boring to write in a blog. Just sit back and watch. How many times can I write that? There is politics at play in the office – just sit back and watch. There is politics at the gymkhana – just sit back and watch. There is politics within the team – just sit back and watch. What all can I write. Suddenly I feel like the Buddha, smiling as the world unfolds itself in front.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with someone going through a pessimistic phase of life. To him I was saying, sure India is going through shit, but that’s ok. When I was growing up we did not have anything to latch on to. I am happy for whatever we have. I couldn’t have imagined that I would find myself, where I find myself today. Mere pass, gaadi hai, bungla hai, paise hai… and so on. And of course like the anti hero – mere bhi paas ma nahi hai. She kicked me out some time back. Though now we seem to be getting along fine. She has made an effort not to get on my case and I have made an effort to repair those bridges. Thank god that while God gave me an ego he also gave me the temperance to allow me to swallow it. So coming back to the conversation. He seemed pessimistic about the future and on the fact that he was building white elephants. I looked back at him and smiled. These are problems of having and not problems of not having. As long as they are problems of having, they can be solved. The problems of not having are the ugly ones. He smiled at me and said that I am lucky that I have a positive frame of mind. Well, I told him that I have been kicked on my butt too many times to be negative. I can’t live otherwise. Of course I know my butt is going to be whipped and I know by whom but if I don’t care about the pain you can inflict on me then by that extension you have no power over me. He smiled again. I think he thinks of me as the Buddha. Haha. Like a colleague often looks at me and tells me ‘you have switched to Buddha mode’. I like that mode. Its helps me deal with a whole host of shit.

(side story - he gave me this link which i agree with but still doesnt dampen my CURRENT optimism - http://open.salon.com/blog/sean_paul_kelley/2009/03/26/reflections_on_india)

Jispa and Jasmine are another set of interactions to watch. They also have their own weird relationship. Jispa is growing up and Jasmine is quite the amiable person. But they can’t fight on so many things. In fact they keep fighting all the time. Till Sunday when Jispa’s vacations were on, they were having the best of time. They were hugging each other, playing with each other, walking with each other, chatting with each other… anything but fight with each other. I was amazed. This was too good to be true. This can’t be. Jispa was having a great time with Jasmine with no arguments or fights. Normally I am the peace keeper and the judge / jury between the two. But I was happy to be in the background or even in the foreground as both of them ganged up on me for some good humored fun. I have always believed that a family must be able to criticize itself and each other. I should be able to criticize Jispa or Jasmine and vice versa. Jispa had a lot of freedom to correct me and tell me what she thinks of me. She can say what she wants. Only thing I do is stop her from being disrespectful in public. She needs to avoid that. Jasmine is not so open to this. So Jispa has to learn that daddy and mommy are a different kettle of fish and need to be treated separately. That is not parenting 101, where both parents are expected to be consistent and not at odds with each other. I have often told Jispa that, a certain thing is Mummy’s idea not mine, so while I don’t endorse it, I am not going to oppose it. And I if think it’s not that great an idea, I tell Jispa about it. But at the same time I tell her that I may not be right, or I don’t have the means to implement otherwise or it’s simply not my department and hence we are following mommy’s idea. I would like her to realize that two people need not have the same idea at all times and just because there is divergence of views there need not be chaos or discord. So coming back… all the love and affection lasted till Sunday night. The last day of the vacation! Come Monday both were again on each other’s throat. That just showed one thing. Nothing was fundamentally wrong with the relationship, only that the pressures of time and duty which are inexorably linked to the clock can create all sorts of chaos for a relationship. And all sorts of complications creep in only to disappear when these externalities of time and scarcity are removed. So I have learnt to just see and smile as the world unfolds itself.

Today I was deconstructing the poem that Jispa is going to perform for the elocution. It’s about Ram and Raavan. The way I see it, it is like a bard singing in praise of the lord restoring order and dharma to the land. I was explaining that Jispa must bring out the love for the Lord when the line on Ram comes up, and then she added – should I bring about hate when the villain comes in? Well no. there isn’t really a villain in Hindu Mythology. Raavan wasn’t really a bad guy as more recent stories have made him out to be. He was a good guy, a great devotee of Shiva, his population loved him and doesn’t your own poem talk about Lanka being made of Gold. Then I helped her understand one version of the Ramayana. Raavan was a good guy but why did he go for Sita. That is because His sister Surpanakha egged him on and told him to take revenge for her humiliation. That’s because she coveted Ram and when Ram refused she asked for Lakhsman and when both said no, she tried to kill Sita; when Lakhsman chopped her nose and ears. But wasn’t that an excessive thing to do. Lakhsman need not have humiliated her. HE could have just stood in front and warned her that if you make one move I will kill you. Unnecessary humiliation that started off a war.

I am also just thinking right now. That is such a mean thing to do. One student once told me, that sir do you know so many girls have this huge crush on you. Of course I am aware. Sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes it isnt but I would be pretty insulted if there weren’t any. Someone cool and young comes in with contrary opinions, cracks tons of jokes and has a good class, it’s easy to have a crush. I too had a crush on so many teachers. It’s ok. And I told her that I always try and treat these kids with a lot of love back. Some kids come close and touch you to hold you or try and talk to you. I try and not break their heart. I am always sweet to them and their boyfriends and everyone. After all having a crush on you, the way I see it, is a responsibility to be shouldered well. It’s a great privilege. It’s cute to have attention, but it’s also extremely important that it’s treated well. Of course it will pass like they all do. But it should pass with fond memories and not with malice. Which is what Lakhsman spread.

So that’s what he did. So Raavan came in and took Sita. But not before Sita got greedy for the golden deer. They were in the jungle so the rules of Jungle applied. Might was right and Sita could be taken by force and deception. Ram even left Lakhsman to guard her but sensing that Ram was in danger, Sita sent Lakhsman off while giving him a sharp rebuke. He made a lakhsman rekha which in simple mythology is a magical line which an enemy could not cross but in terms of meaning was simply a boundary of the house. The house is civilization where laws of civil society applied. In the jungle, might ruled. So While Sita was in civil society she was governed by the laws of civil society hence Raavan couldn’t enter. So he tricked her out and abducted her. Raavan in many ways also did not break any rules. He also did not force himself on Sita but kept her with all respect in Lanka. He too was a good man but he was proud of his powers hence he still twisted the laws and came under the influence of his sister. And Ram also sent a warning to Raavan that give me my wife back and I will peacefully leave. When Raavan refused, the war began.

‘So that’s that Jispa’. It’s not that easy. Not all are white and not all are black. Raavan was not evil. So possibly unlike what your poem suggests while he was Abimaani (proud), but not atyachari (cruel?), and Ramw as the man who restored Dharma. “what is dharma” she asked. I was lucky to have read up Dharma a few days ago and hence I explained to her that it was a simple rule or code of righteousness that ensured people did their duties. Otherwise there would be chaos. She asked if it was like paap (sin) and punya (brownie points). No. that is a point system while Dharma is a code of what you are to do irrespective of points.

So culture is possibly important as it is something that we can pass on over to our children. Religion is also part of our culture. But it can’t be restrictive. These are not chains. These are ladders, steps on which we climb over. Culture by definition must change. You must have a healthy respect for culture. That is obvious. But what is not obvious is that you must have a healthy disrespect for culture. I am not a great son (my mom kicked me out) and I definitely not a great dad (I still mess up big time), so I can’t be the right guy to tell you what is right. But I definitely don’t see culture as encumbrances. Move with the times. Step back, retain what you want, and throw what you feel. Try and understand what is culture and rituals. When Jasmine’s grand mom passed away recently I was explaining to my nephew what each of the rituals could possibly mean. why we would carry burning cow dung to the cremation center (there was possibly no fire to be found in the jungle those days), why the pot of water must be broken from under your feet and never to look behind (symbolizing the end and don’t look behind so that you leave those gone forever and possibly don’t get scared by ghosts). Culture / rituals have meaning. A lot has been lost in translation. Have the patience to understand if possible or the curiosity to translate to what you think right. The Ram story also is a bit my interpretation and a lot thanks to reading Devdutt Patnaik. There are no absolute truths, only interpretations of culture. Likely or unlikely. And in this context I see religion as nothing different from culture. So that too is always a change. You can tell stories about them, you can explain its understanding and rules. You can inspire but I don’t think you can bind. Lying, smoking, non-veg is not bad as it’s against culture, but because it’s not good. Period. But then as an adult you are free to do what you want to do. Till then home ties bind you. So in effect till Jispa listens to me, culture is binding her. But I am telling her not to be bound by it. hmm… I did tie myself into knots didn’t I? But like the name of the blog says. Opposites must reconcile. I am binding her but I am not. I am telling her not to obey anything but if she is does or doesn’t she is obeying or not obeying. Both ways it’s a standoff. Opposites do reconcile in ways we think not possible.

I have been watching few Sherlock Holmes episodes. “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”. What’s the relation of this to the blog. Nothing really. I just thought of it. It’s a nice quote. Full stop.

hang there... i got it.. i got it...

If you did not read the earlier blog, i guess this blog will not be much of a read either... but well.. here goes. It’s funny that when I am down and searching for answers everything seems to leap in front of me and throw me lessons. While searching for something else I found the wisdom of Oogway from Kung Fu Panda and while on my reader feeds, I found the lessons from Greece, thanks to Devdutt. A crisis is a dam good opportunity to waste and similarly so is a mental mess up. Here are the two pieces of wisdom I just came across and gave me some light. I see answers to the dilemma from my earlier post. This is the one from Devdutt – “In Greek metaphysics, there are two principles. One is called the Thanatos principle and the other is called the Eros principle. Thanatos means the death-principle while Eros means the life-principle. We are governed by death-principle or the life-principle. When we believe that the next flyover is going to make life only worse (by destroying heritage buildings, by destroying mangrove forests, by destroying familiar slums) then we are stricken by Thanatos. We believing that doom is near. However, when we believe that the next flyover is going to make life better then we are under the influence of Eros. We believe that life is getting better. Who speaks the truth? Is it Eros or is it Thanatos? Thanatos is the grim reaper. He kills and destroys every day. So if we look at him, we are convinced that the world is coming to an end. Eros is the cherubic archer, striking people with love, desire and inspiration. He is constantly turning us one, giving us hope. If we look at him, life is always getting better. Thanatos is looking at life as half empty while Eros is looking at life half full. Thanatos always frowns. Eros always grins. Are we frowners or smilers? Greeks believed there was only one life. And so life was seen as either Tragedy or Comedy. Thanatos sponsored Tragedy, Eros sponsored Comedy. Tragedy was about looking at the flyovers and feeling helpless that we have no say in the matter. Comedy is looking at the flyovers and realizing with delight how foolish man is to believe this will really change anything. Thanatos makes us the victim. Eros makes us the hero. Since Indians believed in rebirth, they modified the Greek ideas a bit. Indian thought says two things. Firstly, Thanatos and Eros are points of view and not reality. Every human being will look at the same situation differently. Secondly, all things are temporary and so we will move cyclically from Thanatos to Eros, from being victim to hero, and then back again. It will happen again and again and there is no stopping it. Scams will come and go, corrupt politicians will come and go, idealists will come and go, and life will move on. Thus Thanatos and Eros are delusions, maya, delusions we cannot live without.” And here is the stuff from Oogway Oogway: My friend, the panda will never fulfill his destiny, nor you yours until you let go of the illusion of control. Shifu: Illusion? Oogway: Yes. [points at peach tree] Oogway: Look at this tree, Shifu: I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time. Shifu: But there are things we *can* control: I can control when the fruit will fall, I can control where to plant the seed: that is no illusion, Master! Oogway: Ah, yes. But no matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach. Shifu: But a peach cannot defeat Tai Lung! Oogway: Maybe it can, if you are willing to guide, to nurture it, to believe in it. Shifu: But how? How? I need your help, master. Oogway: No, you just need to believe. Promise me, Shifu, promise me you will believe. I BELIEVE!

Dominant love?

Devdutt wrote a good piece titled ‘Right to kill my child’. It correctly questions the demands we make on our children and more importantly exposes our true motivations. He wrote the article as “the newspapers are filled with reports of parents wanting to kill their children”.
The key point he makes is “Love is to allow children to grow up, be independent, take their decisions and be responsible for the consequences. Power is about control, dependence, domination, and the demand for obedience and subservience.”
It’s a very pertinent point that he makes. Over the last week I happened to be agony uncle for a few people. One lady wanted to marry someone her choice but not same religion and the other wanted to stay abroad and work but had to come back to get married on parental pressure. Makes me think of the stuff I too might have done under parental pressure.
But more importantly or selfishly, makes me think of the times I might have been motivated by power and not love. I try and let Jispa talk to me straight. Some times I think I let her talk too straight, and I might be actually spoiling her. Like my mom always thinks that I am teaching Jispa to argue. But I don’t see harm in having conversation. I do not want domination and subservience or any other unspellable word. I like the relationship to be healthy and equal.
The other day somebody was at home and Jispa walked away in some cranky voice. I imitated her. She came back and gave me a knock on my head. What on earth. That was hard. “but why are you imitating me? I don’t like it.” Ok. Point taken. “but you also hit me hard. That’s not fair. It’s not right. I am papa” “ok sorry” “ok sorry”. Kiss and make up. That I wonder how much liberty should I give hr. I don’t mind it as I realize that in the end I have the final upper control. If things go out of hand I can immediately scream and shout and get ii back. At that time also, it’s about respect.
I really try to ensure that at all points, it is never about dominance. It shouldn’t be about that, but parenting is something that you do without too much thinking. You hope you hone it over a period of time. And when you have only one child, thats all the chance you can get.
We keep telling Jispa how lucky she is. What a great school she has and stuff like that. Recently she has started telling us how lucky we are. We don’t have to go to school and we don’t have to wake up and stuff like that. Its just a general tit for tat. One dialogue was – you are lucky you don’t have to do math. Hey, do you not like math. “I do, but it’s the subtraction that’s boring. I like addition.”. “Hey, subtraction is addition – just reverse” “How”. ‘How do you minus 7 from 12. You take seven and the go like, eight, nine, ten, eleven, and twelve. You just added 5 to 7 to get 12.” “but I hate borrowing” “arey that’s simple. Hello uncle, please give me one. I have less. So if seven uncle gives one, how many are left?”
That was some fun in the morning. But the banter continued. She went like, you are so lucky mummy, you don’t get to…” Jasmine went back like “you are so lucky that you don’t have to cook and then someone makes a face, you don’t have to wash dishes, you don’t……” I let the final one in “Jispa you are so lucky to get papa and mama like us. We could never scold our parents the way you can” “I don’t scold you” “sure you do. The way sometimes you get angry at me I would have never done like that to my dad. Ask mom if she could ever talk to her dad the way you sometime scold me or get angry at me?” She then asked “you couldn’t scold your dad because he was always building?” My dad was a civil engineer, you see. “No, I just couldn’t scold dad as that was not the done thing to do. It was just different”. Awww. I love papa and mama… awwww…. Banter ended. Poor thing should have hit back saying that we were lucky to have someone like her. That would have also been another irrefutable one.

On a completely different note - This is how I taught jispa and her friend to handle a heavy bag while at the bus stop.