conflicts everywhere, resolutions there

I do not know after 17 years of handling my little baby if I even understand her. My guess is that she for sure thinks we do not. She is simple and complicated at the same time. On the face of it, Jispa is extremely uncomplicated as an individual. She doesn’t get involved in many issues. She is not troubled too much by things around her and broadly she lives her life untouched by other people’s opinions.

On the other hand, some of her decisions and her mood swings we find difficult to predict or understand. I think 17-year olds everywhere are complicated people. And they have been so for ages. Its not an easy time. Even for Jispa.

I am also very conflicted on how to treat her  - adult or not. I am inclined to step off the pedal and Jasmine is inclined to stay on it. These causes a different set of complications. I think when you have one child the parental involvement in your child goes up and I think you are less likely to give more freedom to your child. We end up trying to control a larger swath of her daily life.

I have always been conflicted on this. Do I let her be and let her decide or stop her from hurting herself and doing silly things? Jispa is always fighting for her independence. I don’t know. Should we, should we not.

Every time I think we should let go, Jasmine says, that last one year. Lets just get her across the finishing line and we are done then. Why let go of it now after 17 years. Ya. It a valid argument. Our investment in her future is significant from an emotional standpoint. Surely she can handle one more year of us.

Her 18^th birthday is coming up this August. Man, after that its going to be a hell hole for us. Jispa is desperate to learn driving. I don’t know how good I will be as a teacher. How anxious I would be. Its going to fall on me to teach her. Jasmine will not be anywhere inclined to take up this task. This is going to be a severe test of my mental skills. The nest test is going to be equally fun. Would I give her the car to drive once I have taught her to? Oh boy oh boy. How is that going to happen? Which car would I give her? My bigger one or Jasmine’s smaller one. And how am I going to sit while Jasmine corrects her while she is driving.

Jasmine is a funny animal. She will be involved, want to be involved, itches to be involved but is so frustrated with Jispa that she will not teach her. Then little by little the pressure builds up and she uses a wrongly timed opportunity to speak up and then all hell breaks loose with Jispa. I predict this is going to happen in driving as well. It will be my job to teach and then suddenly once, Jasmine will start correcting Jispa and boom.

Not that Jasmine is wrong. Her observations are acute and very valid. Its her timing and delivery that is the issue most of the time. She will give it when she wants to and not when you ask for it. It’s a dark comedy that happens, which takes some maneuvering to either avoid or get out of.

Its so funny that when outside in you see, it looks like I am the aggressive one amongst the trio but as I have explained to Jispa many times, its Jasmine’s quiet aggression and doggedness that led Jispa to where she is right now, as far as her swimming, schedules, training and commitment goes. I would have slacked off way earlier if it were left to me.

These are some of the funny contradictions that a family lives with. There are so many weird combinations and complications that are best left unravelled. Right now, we have my mom staying with us. She has been staying alone for years now after she threw out both her sons. We went and set up our lives separately while she lived on her own. Over a period of time we managed to blow hot blow cold in our relationships and now we have reached fair degree of comfort in how we dal with each other.

When she threatened to throw us out for the umpteenth time, I had decided that from now on I will not fight with her come what may. So, over the years, I never ever fought, no matter what she did. Same with Jasmine. We realised there was no point fighting. We carried on and focussed on our life.

We built our house, our lives, our principals on our own. Its been a great journey. Its nice that in times like this because of how we handled ourselves, we were able to move on and get her over to live with us. That’s important. It’s a hell to be alone and quarantined like thus. Its nice to have your family together in such circumstances.

Again – its easy for me to get along with my mom and let bygones be bygones. I am amazed how Jasmine is able to handle that as well. Some of the stuff that happened was not pleasant from both our perspectives. I think its an interesting example for the rest and for our lives.

I think it is never correct to be bitter about anything and to rather have an easy disposition. You just accept and move on. You learn that it may not be the best for you at this time and that its ok. There is no reason to burn any bridges and be any bitter about your experiences. I think my mom is realising this as I am as well.

The only credit I give myself as I remember the moment years ago, as I had decided to leave the house, I promised to myself – I will not fight with mom. This one held on for years and it has still borne fruit. How do I do it to the rest of the world. I envy people who just refuse to fight any one anywhere in their lives. Cool calm people. I hate you guys. You guys by your mere presence make me feel like shit.

Its ok. I bring energy and life and action to my everyday life. My mom is also happy that while she is staying with us she is happily entertained. There is never a dull moment. I am talking, doing, fighting, boxing with Jispa, making fun of Jasmine – something or the other. She can’t believe how unlike each other; her two sons are. Placid lake versus raging storm.

There so many opposites – so much reconciliation.

AI cooking?

“No don’t get the fried stuff” “why?” “because we don’t want it” “but last time you saw the chips packet you guys hammered it down and finished it. You guys eat it.” “ya, exactly. We eat it. Doesn’t mean we want it. We don’t want it. We don’t want to eat it and so please don’t get it home. Right now we are enjoying eating home cooked food and good food through the day. We will eat fruits. Whatever. But please don’t get the fried stuff.”

Jasmine is the ever care giver. She sees what her babies eat and takes that as the cue to what they really want to eat. For years her strategy isnot to really ask us. We always give the wrong answers, she contends. She sees how we react and then she figures. By now she knows under which circumstances Jispa will eat more food. She knows that when she serves hot rotis I eat a few more. Which is a problem. I don’t want to eat more. I eat more because she is making them. It’s a circular thing.

Nothing worries Jasmine more than seeing an empty bowl of food after dinner. “Oh. You want more, should I make something.” “NO.. I don’t want more. I was just trying to finish the food you made. I thought instead of throwing it, since its less, I thought I will eat it and finish it.” So now when I finish the bowl I make it a point to first ask everyone if someone wants and state that I don’t want and then with the mandatory disclaimers, I finish the bowl. I don’t want it, its extra but still I am having it. Then it works.

While writing this, I realised an interesting problem of artificial intelligence. Hmmm. This is the same problem that Ai would face while decoding human behaviour. AI is very similar to Jasmine. It seeks to capture exhibited behaviour and response to stimuli. It doesn’t ask the consumer what he/she wants. Its simply sees behaviour / stimuli and adjusts accordingly.  This way it understands you better than what you do of yourself.

This is the hallowed promise of AI. But in this is also the curse of AI. It will seek only exhibited behaviour and not consider motivation behind the behaviour. This could be the achilles heel of the Ai as we implement it. While doing one AI project, I realised that one of the problems that AI had was that basis behaviour we would give out stimuli and basis the stimuli we would see further behaviour. This seemed to me a self-fulfilling prophesy. The whole problem would be that if we are stuck in a behaviour and stimuli that is of our doing – we will miss if there is a behaviour outside of the proverbial well. That’s why I insisted on inserting trojans - Randomly generated stimuli even if it against the data of the behaviour. This way we would also be able to catch a random trend starting. So just because a type of behaviour was not seen so far doesn’t mean it doesn’t get captured.

It’s a bit tricky to understand. To simplify – the AI may start seeing that every time Jasmine makes hot roti, they eat more. So, it churns out more and more hot rotis not knowing that possibly sometimes or every once in a while, Jasmine should churn out Hot Rice to see what happens. Are bored of hot rotis or a new trend towards brown rice is coming in that the AI doesn’t catch as the current data continues to show upticks. It’s what I would call a ‘staying in the well’ syndrome.

The other thing I realise while writing this blog is that the AI must consider human motivation for behaviour. So, while I am eating more rotis, is it that I really want to eat more just because they are hot. May be a deeper insight into the behaviour of me eating more can be taken in. Possibly I love eating rotis but more importantly I want Jasmine to eat along with me. I don’t mind eating a roti less. Understanding this is a crucial dimension for AI going forward.

Simply blindly following correlation over causation will only take you this far. You easily find yourself on top of the curve that has flattened and leave you with no growth opportunity. Combination of trojans and insights and research can add into the mix so as to code for growth that is break through instead of just paying lip service to ‘I have implemented AI’.

Most CEO’s do not understand this and simply expect an AI engine to ingest more variables. They like saying we have AI and that we have ingested 5000 points of data. It sounds very good and it a good lie to perpetrate but it’s just that – a lie. AI would need some serious soul searching on behalf of the coders and marketing nut cases to make it work. I shudder to think of what would happen over a period as I exited my previous company where I created this juggernaut.

Sometimes I feel like a physicist who cracks the code for energy is dismayed to see it being used for weapons of mass destruction. I create an AI engine to see the top use it for random things. They just don’t understand it. Then I connect it to a mass communication system only to see that they will use it to think through wrong conclusions and send wrong communication to a wrong audience and overdo to kill it. Entropy is real.

So coming back – Jasmine is enjoying the fact that during this lock down she is able to feed us hot rotis and we are fighting back by stating upfront exactly how many we will eat. This way its in control. And both win. Plus I sit to eat a little late – I keep telling her that I will sit only delaying it enough so that when she done making my hot rotis I will have at the table eating her dinner with me.

I really care about talking to her more than I care about getting fatter. Wouldn’t you agree?

simple life

20 years of being married. This Saturday. But it’s already been 28 years of knowing each other. So it’s a difficult milestone to celebrate. And for a couple that is highly practical parents of a young child, it no big deal. Where do we celebrate? Should we go somewhere?

This is similar to the question that I ask my self – what is Jispa’s life untested by faith. Just because we haven’t taught her to pray, I wonder what will happen in adversity. Who will she look to for help? Will it better or worse for her? Similarly – Jasmine and I have been a practical couple. We have known each other for 28 years and I guess since the last 20 years we haven’t really given each other gifts for anniversaries and birthdays. We figured that both our lives are fairly intertwined. We have equal and joint control and visibility on our bank accounts. We know how much money is there or not. We know exactly what the other wants and we buy what we want. It’s not like we hold to expensive things. If it something we want and we will use, we buy. There is no real gifting opportunity.

If it’s impractical to buy it then we don’t buy it. It might be expensive or will not be used or whatever, then we don’t buy it and we don’t bother about it. Hence we can’t buy each other anything. I know she feels and I know I feel that we should gift each other something from time to time but whenever we think about it we look at each other and go… nahhh!

We have even told each other that we would NOT appreciate a surprise party. DON’T EVER DO IT! We have warned each other about it. Probably we are too bored about celebrating it or too practical but definitely we would appreciate a surprise party. Forget surprise, we don’t even appreciate parties.

In the new house, for sure our socializing has gone up. Significantly. We can have larger groups of people coming over and enjoying together. We seem to like people coming home and we play games together. Which reminds me – I have to buy more games. Whenever I get an opportunity.

But in the new house we have stocked enough and we have structured our house in way that we cater to more people having fun. We have a well-stocked pantry cupboard next to the dining table which in turn in next to the windows, occupying the best place in the living room. Cause that is where we figured is the best place to cater to our friends. When we have friends over and we are playing games, no one moves from that place for hours. We practically spend the entire evening/ night or day sitting in just one place. The secondary fridge is also next to it making getting up only a matter of going to the loo.

That’s been our life. We like to keep things simple and practical. You don’t need too much to enjoy. You work hard, save enough, invest more. That’s it. I think we are too practical for anything. Too practical to enjoy gifting.

But I remember my tenth anniversary. We had an event the next day in Grand Hyatt. I want to remember the 20^th. What should I do? Let me see if Jasmine’s wants to book a restaurant for dinner. Let’s see. Just a quiet dinner at a nice simple place. That would be nice. Let’s see.

random thoughts to start writing

Jispa is now string enough to bully Jasmine. At home she jumps on Jasmine and pins her down. Jasmine can do much except protest. Both of them have these cute physical fights around the house and it always ends with Jasmine getting bullied by Jispa. So when they are whacking each other, I find it amazing to see Jispa getting whacks from Jasmine and standing her ground.

They grow up strong. Jispa and I were discussing the other day on how we have gotten her to grow. Whenever she would get hurt I would ask her “do you enjoy doing what you were doing while getting hurt?”. “yup? Then shut up and grin it and bear it.” She remembers that till now. In some ways, many ways, a father has mildly succeeded. I am happy. Shits gonna happen. You gonna have fun and then move on. You can’t dwell on it screwing your day. Too Much.

I remember the song Sunscreen. I have posted it before. It gives life advice and always goes back to the simple thing of using sunscreen. For me – it fresh tender coconut water. Always drink fresh coconut water. It helps me regulate my acidity and helps me hydrate myself. Everyday morning when I wake up and I have to go to play, I have coconut water. I cannot stress less on the fact that you must have coconut water. On days when I think I haven’t drank enough water, I have a coconut water. It just seems to take away all my issues. It’s the best thing in the world. It’s my answer to Sunscreen.

Advice – here is one – don’t take and please don’t give. Your job is to just hang around and listen. Advice is always subjective. How do I get myself to stop giving advice? I have no clue. I want to stop it.

Food is getting weird for me by the day. As I am growing older I am getting more and more sensitive to different kinds of foods. I feel potatoes don’t work for me in the tiffin. Funnily they seem to work in restaurants. Possibly it’s the ginger or garlic along that works. I don’t know. Tomato soup – can’t have that as well. Funny… I loved that as a kid. Cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Now I feel it gives me acidity. Chopped tomatoes are good. It’s the soup that takes me out.

Coffee – I have written about this. Not two days in a row, else bad headache the third day. Funny nah?

I am trying to get my tummy to be in some better shape. So trying to avoid fried. Oh god, I don’t drink, smoke, no lactose, no potatoes, no soup and now less fried… Jasmine is so done with me. Plus I don’t like pulses as well. They too interfere with my digestion. Dal is also doing funny things. What the hell… I will survive on coconut water now. What say?

But this is the thing that I like about myself. I don’t bother too much with this. I don’t get too annoyed with all these issues. If I can’t help these things then what can I do about it. That’s what I try and tell Jasmine. I can’t help it if I got a weak stomach and a strong brain. Such is life. You have to make do with the best that you get.

Speaking of strong brains. I am struggling to see strong brains in the company from the middle lot. They are really really dumb. You get some amazing talent from the really young guys but there is some serious talent missing from the middle layer. Possibly they are the ones who ran away because not much happened while they were here, and the dumb ones got promoted. Now I look back at my time and wonder if I was seriously underpaid. I was much smarter than these jokers at that age. Talent is so difficult to nurture and find.

Somewhere because of the policies of the past, people did not have the courage to break rules and dream big. Organization culture is so important. Because of an older culture the organisation today is stalled. You have to break. You have to push and you have to get new blood, new thinking and new energy into the functions you work. Breaking is an important part of building. Those who can’t break must be thrown out. Break and burn for new to grow.  Chase cute new things and new frontiers, not try and keep things as they were. The protector role is so glorified in some places.

I have started writing publicly. We have an emailer that is sent out to a bunch of prospects every weekend. The new content kid in my office thinks my writing is kind of cool and effective. She wants me to write every week. At first I wasn’t sure. But I am getting the hang of writing and getting my own mojo for the job. I think it’s coming out cool and succinct. Data seems to suggest that people are reading and clicking and giving us leads basis the stuff they read. Ok. That’s nice. It’s an awesome feeling to write and get feedback on it. I want to hone that skill set even more.

learning joy

Jasmine is a sweetheart. She has the best relationships with all her maids. They love to work with her. In fact when we moved here, it was a difficult thing for her maids to now search for new jobs. They love her and want to work with her. Jasmine treats people like they should be – like people. With dignity and respect. When we moved out Jasmine gave away a lot of things to the maids. Including extra clothes, cupboards and what not. We even gave away random old electronic hardware lying around. Sure we could have made more money simply selling the stuff on ebay but Jasmine and me both reckon that probably there is more value to be derived from them using it than me getting a couple of thousand for old loose stuff lying around the house.

She also treats them well, feeds them, gives them tea and generally takes care of them. So for every Sunday when Jasmine wants the old maid to come and help her around the house, she comes and then refuses to take money from her for a couple of hours work. It’s funny to see Jasmine trying to force them to take money and them running away.

We learn by observing and I learnt how to treat other humans from other people. My dad, my wife, my bosses and my friends. This is not something that can be learnt from moral science class in school. You have to experience and be willing to learn. Different people teach us how to handle different incidents. As I grew up I was a bit confused on how to treat people. I had compassion but around me was an India divided by huge chasms. The gap between the have nots and the haves was wide and there seemed to be an atmosphere of mistrust. Servants had to be kept an eye on, as they could steal and one should not intermingle too much. I think slowly as we began growing out of our disparities we learnt to deal with people.

Possibly also I learnt to deal with people as I grew up and there was no real economic change as I see it. Whatever be the case. I learnt to deal with people from other people. I do remember that being a training set. How to deal with sweet people and how to deal with irritating people. How to say no, how to cajole and how to reward. Jasmine has taught me a whole lot of all the people. She doesn’t try and influence people, she doesn’t try and push them, she just is. She just does what comes to her and people get influenced by her. They love her and work for her.

What may be my style? I am trying to hard or trying to less or the fact may be that I am trying, while Jasmine simply is being herself. I don’t know. But I do know that I try to treat people in way that I have learnt works for me. This is also basis how people have been with me. I see and I learn.

Learning is an everlasting process without a time line and structure. In fact structured learning is amongst the worst ways to learn. It surely tries to accelerate learning but it leaves much to be desired. I was talking to Jispa the other day. She goes for the international curriculum at school, which is far more advanced than what I had in school. She has critical thinking, an ability to reason and a freedom to write her mind. Her exams are more on experience, perspective rather than memory and rote. It’s lovely. But it’s only as lovely as the teacher makes it out to be. Awesome teachers make the classroom and the subject more interesting and the irritating ones make the subject boring. Some try and only explain how to attack the question paper and write things that are designed to get marks. There goes the studies.

That’s the problem with a structured education – it seeks to impart and then measure. While measuring it seeks to rank. To rank it needs a certain set of guidelines, schemes and structures for uniformity. There – we have reached a point where the twain are at odds with each other. It is now by definition doomed to failure. Should I learn for marks or should I learn for what I want to learn. I am screwed.

Yesterday with a friend we were discussing education and courses. My view was that it’s asking for way too much to get a child to figure what they want to do by the time they are 15 or 17. I didn’t know what my calling was till I was at least 25 years old. How can we ask for choice in these circumstances, so early of them? But the costs are high of wrong choice and the pressures, real. How does this work?

Forget. Right now I am trying to solve the leaking roof in the dry area from the flat above. It’s fun trying to decipher the leakage source, especially when it involves flooding that balcony with water and being Sherlock Holmes. Then taking a few calls and trying to be intelligent about things that you are so not really trained to do. Why didn’t we have carpentry, woodwork, masonry and other such base skills being taught in schools? A few classes of PT rubbish could have clubbed into this and we could have all been better off. The mechanics of a car, the innards of a toaster, the joy or raising a farm. Real life skills that allow you to work with your hands and give you immense satisfaction. Thye could have atleast taught us basic gardening, if not growing wheat. Or even now, a simple course on growing strawberries on the roof top garden… ok even parsley or basil growing would have been fun.

But this is not to be. I had a shitty education only redeemed by the fact that amazing women and a few amazing men wanted to teach as that was their choice. They loved us and we loved them back. They spoke to us, explained and inspired us. I am so happy that over that last 16 years I have done my little bit to alleviate boredom in the classrooms. Some little joys. In the process of helping people discover themselves, I discovered a whole lot about me. A WHOLE LOT.

That’s experiences and learning and joy.

diligence and dedication

What is it to be a dad? I don’t know but being one does teach you a lot of things. Having patience for one. It can be extremely rewarding and frustrating at the same time and to live with these ups and downs is a part and parcel of being a dad. It compounds with the fact that parenting is a moving target as your child grows up every day. They respond differently and more importantly I as a parent, need to think differently. I have to approach each situation differently, every time it repeats or every new day.

It’s not an easy things and it’s not that it comes naturally. In fact the natural behavior would be to deteriorate your response with the frustration of repetition. At this point, I have to control my instincts and think deeper and reach for resilience from within. I am sure Jispa too needs serious resilience from within to deal with her parents as well. And this will only get tested again and again when she grows up and is independent and doesn’t require us for her growth or wellbeing.

Today morning as I was dropping Jispa to swimming for her morning swim and I reailsed that she had forgotten her flipper bag. Again. Oh dear. There was no point in scolding her or anything. She told me that she will simply borrow a fellow swimmers bag and continue. As I left her and went back home I couldn’t help thinking – Jispa reached her national glory thanks to Jasmine doggedness. We put her in swimming and then the program took over. Jasmine found her calling in Jispa’s program and supported her. We drove her to every swim meet, we sat in the background and fed her, we got her ready for school and dropped her, we cooked her special food and basically ferried her every where and got her to stick to her swimming program.

Left to her own, I don’t think the kid would have done it. Today as we have relaxed our oversight into her program she has slipped and how. She doesn’t train as hard, she bunks at will and we realize - she is not destined for pushing herself to achieve greatness. She is a good person. A nice toughish kind of kid but she is not the natural born self-motivated sportsperson who can continually achieve greatness by virtue of relentless unsupervised practice. She is not eklavya who can make a statue of her teacher and practice away. In Many ways she reminds me of me.

I think my dad would have said that I have never fulfilled my potential as a kid growing up. In sports or in studies. Procrastination was my thing and diligence was never it. It’s only when I grew up in life and when life kicked me in the backside that I realized the value of diligence and dedication. Anything that does not have it will not get achieved. And never to your satisfaction. I think Jispa achieved what she did in swimming was because Jasmine showed these two things in helping Jispa grow with the program. My job was diligence and dedication to Jasmine’s cause. It wasn’t my thing. Even today I tell Jispa, its ok, relax, live your life, have a childhood, and don’t bother training so hard now.

Jispa will grow up and understand these things. She is better than most other kids. I am sure. She can still manager her swimming and her studies and the simple fact that she continued to swim all these years, makes me convinced that she has it in her to grow. I am not criticizing her but making the difference between kids who are good (damn good) and kids who are great. Look at the current Indian captain. After breaking into the cricket team and the big league did her realize that he has to work even harder and train like crazy if he has to break into the all-time great lists. He was a chubby child and now he is a pinnacle of fitness and hard work. I was a lazy worker and now I put in 12 hours a day trying to get things done. It takes time to grow into what you want to do in life and when you get it, then you can go for it.

I am sure Jispa will be a great coach or a good teacher or an awesome worker. She should do well. She has a lovely disposition that she got from her mother, an understated ambition (mother again) and an ability to explain her thoughts (now that’s me). This is her and I am quite proud of her. She is a far better kid than I was at her age.

Just a few days ago we had this conversation on which subjects to choose and which to drop. I told her to screw career and follow what you love. Finally she chose basis the best teachers she would get. That’s a smart choice. All subjects are good. It’s the teacher who makes us love a subject. Now she chose physics on the basis of the teacher and immediately she loves it. That’s a great choice kid. Connect to people and you will always be rewarded. Pick people you love and work with them. Then it’s always easier to handle every issue that comes your way.

the shape and taste of happiness

Something nice happened last week. One morning as Jasmine was sleeping, Jispa and I were awake. I had to make myself some breakfast. I can make myself a decent dosa adjusting the thickness depending on the batter. I had learnt how to make a dosa from my sister many years ago. Mom never liked me in the kitchen. I think most women can handle men who are asking too many questions and bringing logic and science into the kitchen. Jasmine also hates teaching me to cook and she hates teaching Jispa to cook. She just wants us to get out of the kitchen. Jasmine used to be a lazy cook. I think in the last ten years of us living separately from moms and moms in law, she has evolved as a cook. She now knows what she does and what are the consequences to that? So if she cooks something that we don’t like there is a leftover and if she cooks adding a special ingredient, then the food gets over. Simple things. This is an interesting life lesson (or a marketing lesson) – you can teach cooking as much as you like, but the real deal is an iterative process with a constant feedback loop. Jasmine was aware to the consequences and did not believe in stupid consumer research by asking the respondent what you like. Ask and you will be lied to, but if you see the response to your actions then that is the best truth.

A lot of product development and marketing thought these days is similar to that. It requires managers to tell themselves and the others that we don’t know “I don’t know” and start from there. Gone are the days of big massive projects that take 6 months to year. Journeys are now an amalgamation of short sprints to achieve simple success. You put it out in the market and see the reaction to your product. That’s the only truth. You can’t ask if the recipe will be good. You cook it and see how much was eaten. Then you make small small changes to it and see how the bottom of the bowl was scrapped. That’s the only way to know. Jasmine intuitively got it right. When we discuss what to cook next she knows what will go down Jispa’s throat. She knows that certain foods get eaten more and certain foods will have leftovers. That is the ultimate truth. She figured out the futility of asking Jispa “you like this?”. Dhoodhi chana daal is the ultimate version of this. It was looks very unappetizing and sounds very Bleh! But every time, it’s eaten and finished. She will always get a NO if this is suggested but is always eaten when it is made. DON’T ASK A CONSUMER FOR HIS OPINION. YOU WILL BE LIED TO.

Coming back – I learnt to make dosas from my sis, many years ago and then I have honed my technique over time. So when Jispa saw me make my dosas, she wanted to learn from me. I have the proud distinction of being the dad who taught her daughter how to spread a dosa on the pan. I taught her to pour first spoon of batter and spread it. Keep the spoon light. Spread it in circles and keep the appropriate pressure. Then I encouraged her to make bigger dosas with two spoonfulls of batter. Then I taught her to flip it right etc. It was very satisfying to teach her this stuff.

I think of cooking like swimming. It’s a basic life skill. You need to learn to swim, run, catch a ball, jump, speak, argue and cook. Basic life survival skills. Tomorrow when Jispa is alone somewhere and is hungry, she can always get out a batter and cook herself a dosa or a pancake and be quiet in the memory that her dad taught her to make the perfect dosa to desired thickness. For me dosa making is an act of zen in which you are required to achieve a desired state of achievement. And when you are going to eat your own dosa, then the exam taker, the supervisor and the examiner is all rolled into you. At that time how will you fare. First my dosas were misshaped, then they got rounder. Now for some reason Jispa and I both like my dosas to be oval in shape. She finds them cute (whatever) and I find them just the natural way to make the dosa. A circle seems very forced and an oval is the right human hand outcome. I haven’t yet deciphered the physics of it all, but I just feel it’s the right shape.

So it was awesome to sit and have breakfast while Jispa made me some amazing dosas. For some reason I loved them more than any other doasa. I also remember the first time Jasmine cooked for me. It was potato and tomato sabzi. I remember that very well and I hope to remember this day very well as well. Ah!

teevee sheevee

I can tell you one thing for sure. Cable TV is amongst the greatest evils that are there in this world. for many years we lived without cable and all our friends wondered how we did that. I can say that after our experience atlas two of our close friends followed suit and banished it from their lives… to good effect. You then have more time for each other and you have more time for yourselves.

We took a cable connection some time back as it was important for me to watch the kabaddi matches. I was the guy who practically midwifed the Pune team and I still have roots attached to the team. I help them and am involved with them. It has been a rewarding experience personally. I learnt so much about the players and the sports and the stupid administration. The administrators are an authority into themselves and lack of press interest has led them to become complete and absolute authorities. But thats a story for another day.

So we took cable for the kabaddi season and then let it lapse. The next kabaddi season we renewed our cable connection. And this time - Jasmine started to watch the TV series 24. Its as perfect - the matches would end at 10 and her series would start at 10. I watch d a couple of episodes but I think I quickly realized that this is the DEVIL!

It is something that quickly sucks away your time and you don't know what to show for it at the end of it all. No improvement in knowledge or even entertainment value. I completely abhor it. Jasmine points out to instances where I sit to watch the series with her. Sure I saw the first series but then afterwards, sleeping at 11 after the series is something that I was not going to do. That would mean sleeping less and killing my work hours, especially in the afternoon.

I am not going to do that. But basically we then renewed our subscription. Soon enough Jispa started watching TV. She would pick up the remote and see whats there for her to watch. She started watching TV along with her food in the afternoon. There goes more family time. 

When the month of subscription got over - We renew it again as the world cup T20 is on and friends (who removed the cable thanks to us) came over and wanted to watch the match at our house.

Today morning we did not have swimming so Jispa decided to watch her movie yesterday at 9 pm. Jasmine had told her that her series will start at 10 pm so whatever she was watching wouldn't count. I left them at that and decided to sleep as I was going for my badminton game no matter what these jokers wanted to do. Sure enough at 10 Jispa walks in as she is banished from the TV. She come stop sleep next to me and she says she is mighty angry. Mom took control of the TV and chased her out. She was seeing her series and power won. Jispa was pissed as hell.

Now how do you placate a 13 year old girl who has her TV remote snatched from her. The answer - you don’t. So i decided to talk and distract her. We started discussing what all she remembered from her baby days. She remembered her first day ta school and then iI was recollecting her early days and then we tossed around a few memories. 

Memories - I think happy people, largely have happy memories. They are happy because they remember happy things that happened to them. Sad people are sad because they remember the sad things that happen to them. I think that Jispa is happy person. We recollected  bunch of stuff and then at some point, I told her that I am too sleepy and went to sleep. I think it put her in a good mood and now I am sure - TV is evil. TV destroys households and families. They stop people from interacting with each other! and this - was a classic case of control fights that we see. 

My brother and me always fought for the control of the TV. I remember bitter fights for control of the remote. It isn't pleasant. As india became richer, people started getting their own TVs in their own rooms. One the biggest fights I would have with my mom would be over her TV viewing habits. Not that I fought with her on which show to watch but more in terms of, please don't watch so much and keep the volume of these freaking irritating soaps so high. After Jispa was born I did not want to raise her watching these stupid irritating soaps and mindless cartoons.

Jasmine watches 24 - the first season was fun. I watched another season with her - that was ok. After this it just got repetitive. The plot was essentially the same. The same things happen and the same hero keeps doing the same things. The same office always has a man on the inside, there will be two big climaxes and there is an assassination attempt. How can you keep watching this shit!

I don’t have problems with entertainment. I love movies. Movies give us great joy and an escape and we love stories. I just have two huge problems with cable - one - its on a tap. Whenever you have nothing to do, you will take the remote and keep juggling. Second - it decides your time and not the other way around. In a DVD set up, you decide when you are going to watch the particular movie and not the other way around.

This is a social evil. This is a family evil. Read sleep walk. Anything but watch TV. I don't know right now what to do. I don't want to be the authority figure who refuses to renew the subscription. Jasmine will play her classic - i don't mind whatever you do but if you renew, I will definitely watch. Jispa will say whatever and I wonder if she will grow up to reprimand me - you never let us watch TV - you old fart!

So its weird. I hate this TV and I am angry, very angry that its there. But I guess people have to now grow up and make their own choices about what they want or don't want to do. Make your own mistakes and learn from it. 

Boss!

Now at this age with a 12 year old kid – you are definitely an “uncle’. You may not like it – but you are the uncle. But sometimes you can get elevated. And if the boys in your daughters class elevate you then you have done something that is a huge achievement.

A couple of weeks back Jispa was at a party. When we went to pick her up the kids were playing in the compound after the party. Jispa got into the car and then I decided to play a prank on the other kids. I told Jispa to watch the fun. I quietly moved my car next to the kids. There were a couple of girls from Jispa’s class whose back was to us. I suddenly revved up the engine and let out a sharp horn and braked. The boys simply looked up and the girls let out a scream and were completely scared. They almost dropped everything they had. In a few seconds the boys knew that this was a prank and were laughing their ass out. Then the boys – the naughtiest and the worst of them came up to my car. I rolled down the windows – we hi fived and then the boy screamed out – “ Uncle – BOSS”. That’s it. No body said – great prank, awesome prank, awesome idea, Great, cool or anything like that. For that fleeting moment – I was upgraded from Uncle to BOSS! On the other window another legendary naughty kidd, hifived and proclaimed me BOSS. What more can I wish for? I was no longer a simple Uncle, I was THE BOSS!

Another self gloating thing. Jasmine and Jispa have been at logger heads over studying. Hence over the last couple of weeks I took over. I learnt from last year that teaching her school is different from teaching at the schools I grew up with. we could simply study the notebook and come out of the exams with flying colors. I learnt that the text book is more important than the notebook. In fact they make it a point to ask questions outside of the notebook that tests your fundamental knowledge of the subject. So this time I have started with the text book and then moved onto the notebook. In English I did not even touch the notebook. More energies were focused on talking about the chapters. But the school likes to raise the bar. One chapter they have is on Prometheus and Pandora and her box. The story goes blah blah blah and Gods give Pandora a box to take to earth. She is advised by a well wisher not to open it. Curiosity gets better of her. She opens it to release suffering and other worries from the box and hence earth suffers from it. At the end – she hears a tiny voice from the box she tried to shut. There was hope inside. She then release hope as well as a balm to all suffering. The question she got in the exam was – why would Zeus put hope in the box when we wanted to send the box as a punishment for all mankind. Wow. Now that’s a nice question. Jispa rose to the occasion and answered – that zeus wanted mankind to suffer for eternity. So if there was only suffering and sadness, they would have fought and killed each other to the end, but hope gives them the courage to live on and then to suffer these for life – for always there will be hope. I was stunned. I would expected a humane answer like – finally he is a god and so he left hope so that his children bear the suffering. But Jispa’s take on it was that Zeus was unimaginably cruel or possibly a sadist. Hope kills you more than anything else in suffering. Hah! Amazing. I told her that it’s a great answer and if you have written it well enough – I don’t care if your teacher doesn’t like it. Nice one. She said – ya. I have always found these Greek Gods to be really cruel in all the stories.

I have read this story as a child and never saw this side of the equation. Why would you put hope ina  box meant to suffer. And a possible reason  as Jispa pointed out is not so altruistic. Possibly Jispa sees it because she does try to think differently, or is it possible because at home we are pretty agnostic towards God and religion. We don’t revere God at home. So she is not brainwashed into the undisputed benevolence of God. She questions his motives and sees him as such – She sees large swatches of black in his behavior. Very very Interesting. Very different from what I saw. I am impressed.

Another one on studying. Yesterday Jasmine called me at lunch. She asked me on Jispa’s science preparedness and if she could get by just reading through. I replied in affirmative. Jispa was done. After I put the phone down I was pretty happy. I was the BOSS. Normally it’s the dad asking mom if the kid is prepared for the exam. Not the other way around. That was the ultimate BOSS compliment!

So now I hope Jispa is really prepared for her exams. We have done it the right way. No mugging but understanding. Slowly and surely done the right way. I was then telling Jasmine – now whatever she gets I will be ok with the results because this is the right way to study – marks are of no consequence.

BOSS!

Bonus Really Bakwaas video:-

laughter bring you together

That was just something Jispa and I share. We love the minions and their idioticity.  I did not go to watch the Despicable Me part 2 as I think it was in 3D. I am not a great fan or 3D and typically it cause me to get a headache. Jispa loved it and saw it and wanted me to see it. I got the chance to see it on a flight to Shanghai. I remember seeing it and laughing to myself. I was trying not to look silly like I see the others do it. You get these guys who watch some funnies on the flight and laugh out loudly. It funny to see individuals break up into laughter on their own with the headphones on. I guess its ok when the gang is laughing with you and everyone finds it funny. But laughing all to your own is something extremely odd. Some guys laugh more than others. Like this time when kingfisher started showing videos of the Laughter challenge with comedians all vying for a few guffaws. I never found them all that funny, but it was ok. You would always find one or two characters who would laugh uncontrollably. And finally when I saw Despicable me 2, I was controlling not to laugh out loud like them. The minions are extremely funny.

Jispa laughs uncontrollably at times. She can go on and on like I would have when I was her age. I found it extremely difficult to control laughter till I was I think around 22 or 23. I would laugh hysterically till my stomach hurt like hell and that would also barely help in bringing sanity back. I remember trying my best to stop laughing in serious situations. NCC drills were a few instances where I would have to control and end up not laughing. Somebody does something funny and your drill commander would insist on maintaining decorum and I would be the one not able to control and would be singled out for some more punishment to stop my laughter. Oh dam it.

Now life is slightly more in control but it’s still amazing to see something with Jispa. Her giggling and laughing is great fun. We get together and can laugh all the way and Jasmine will not understand what’s so funny. She will look at us and we will start laughing all over again. Jasmine wont find amusing at all. In fact we have a term for it “Mom is not amused” or she has this “I am not amused” expression. Just saying this to each other will make us laugh all over again.

It should be fun when Jispa grows a little bit older. Then we could be watching some movies together. That would be fun. Movies like Delhi belly and others would be funnier with her. In a few years movies like Angoor or some others like the sort may be equally funny to both of us, or the Mahabharata scene from jaane bhi do yaaron. Currently we are stuck at Khichadi – the movie. Ya ya. I see you judging us :)

Laughter is a great way to bond and none better than going together and enjoying a few jokes. Jasmine laughs much lesser but she does find a few things really funny. It was my specialty that I could make Jasmine laugh at will when I was in college. Slowly she seems to have been immune to my antics. She possibly finds it more boring now. Bah! I was telling Jispa about it and then telling her that now she finds me funny and all, but wait till she gets older. She will find me irritating or simple “not funny”. I have to keep inventing so many things to have fun with her. I am scared that I will run out of stuff by the time she grows up. Opps. That will be one tough time.

what a load of stuff

Teens are a crazy age. Jispa is a pre-teen and these kids are possibly growing older faster than what we did at the time. I guess it’s the exposure and the fact that their parents probably talk to them much more than what our parents did. And then the parents fret that they are all grown up.

Jispa is now rapidly using her brains. Using it for good thinking and analysis but then also to rebel. She can now choose to rebel and it is going to get pretty tough on us. I remember when the first time she used her brain. That was when she was two. I clearly remember that time. She would just want to decide her pants and tops combination. She would want to wear the blue ant on an orange top and no amount of convincing would change her mind. Dam. It was crazy. How do you convince a two year old.

Now is another time. she wants to decide what to wear and when. She wants to decide and what she says is pretty much final. We don’t go shopping for her. If she isn't around Jasmine and me don’t buy anything. We get frustrated. We simply offer our humble opinion on various things. A very very difficult person to shop for. Then even after she buys it there is no guarantee that she will wear it. which is a dam interesting decision for me to make as a father. Normally I don’t push her too much on clothes. You don’t like something too much you throw it. But this time there was the sticky question of two denims that she had gotten made. Now these were made after asking her. She gave the measurements and she decided on the fit and color and wash and everything else. So we are trying our best to get her to wear her jeans. She has her favorite shorts that she keeps wearing all the time. Its shorts or tracks. So I stood up to her and told her “dude, normally I don’t get involved in all these decisions. You don’t like your jeans; ideally you shouldn't be wearing them. But if I allow you to do this then I teaching you something wrong. It’s not that we don’t have the money. Sure you can throw it. But you are responsible for your decisions. You are going to wear your jeans. They look good and as of now they look new. So I know you are going to hate me for this but – you are wearing your jeans. I would be failing as a father if I taught you to throw stuff just because we have the money to throw it” . Well obviously she is upset about the whole thing.

The other thing is that Jispa is growing taller pretty fast. Stuff that we bought six months ago is getting small. So we insist that she wears them off before we throw them. So that’s another layer. I told her – don’t worry too much about party clothes or simple clothes; just wear them off. While she was trying on the clothes for figuring the ones that fit, Jasmine and I struck on a new idea. Suppose we just don’t wash her clothes. She has enough clothes to last her three weeks. Great – now her wash cycle will be set at three weeks. I know I know. We are such mean parents. Beat that. If your fav shorts are in the laundry you probably got to wear something else.

Sorry Jispa. I know you are going to read this when you grow older but do realize you were on tough girl. Especially when we wanted to deal with you without either crushing or flaming your rebellion.

These days I try not to fight or scold her. I use the cold heat treatment. Have a strong chat with her. To dos and not to dos are clearly laid out with consequences. The flip – she hates its – she prefers the blow hot anger any day. Fights with her mother are another funny one. There is drama and action. And the inevitable – you guys don’t understand me. Yes. I was waiting for the time that ame. She is almost a teen. Every teen has the fundamental right to believe that they have been misunderstood, misjudged, mishandled, misquoted and mistaken. Jispa is reaching there. I remember feeling that all the time. I remember feeling alone and helpless. Of course today I realize that was over reacting on my side. So I try my best to not let her remain in that. Yesterday I explained to her how much we appreciate it “but you never tell me”. “oh dear, we do. Point taken- we don’t tell you enough of it but we do. And more likely right now you are in a negative state so you are likely to only remember the negative ones.” So I then work on it and explain how it’s tough but we do appreciate her a lot. We love her a lot and we do a lot for her. Not that we are asking for gratitude in return (I always hated my parents asking me to be grateful). So don’t thank us. We too enjoyed and did our duty. You dint ask for it, but you shouldn't think that we are being mean and that we don’t really care. We do. So here is our version.

I also never try and let her go without making up. And it ends to start another day.

Parenting is so bloody irritating. No matter how many mistakes you avoid, you only make fresh new ones. You constantly balance stuff. And who knew that the way to get your daughter to wear her clothes was to manage the washing loads. Shit man. This is so dam weird.

a clear mind is blank

After all these years of working and meeting people and problems, one leans to cope with issues and unexpected hurdles quite differently.  I now tend to maintain (at least attempt to maintain most of the time) a sense of equanimity while meeting potential issues.

There was a guy who had a stall at the local Shakari Bhandar. He was sweet guy who loved puzzles. He would try and teach how to solve puzzles. He had mastered the Rubik’s cube. As a kid I loved the puzzles as well. I would try to solve puzzles and it would be hours of fun in the vacation. He befriended me and he would give me tons of puzzles to play with. He also sold books and games and toys. So when Jispa was born we bought quite a bit of stuff from him. Once he needed to relocate to a new shop and needed money he asked Jasmine for 5 grand as a loan. I told Jasmine to happily lend him the money. This man gave me countless hours of fun. Also a lot of his puzzles were with me unreturned. In effect I had ‘stolen’ them. So don’t bother. He then ran a shop elsewhere. Jasmine and her friend were regular customers. Then one day he got a chance and immigrated to the United States. He left the shop to his man Friday to run. After making some money he instructed his man to pay back the money. The man contacted Jasmine but wouldn’t show up. One day he disappeared. We lost touch with the puzzle man and all.

On Sunday out of the blue he contacted Jasmine. He wanted to meet Jasmine and her friend. Both of them were a little circumspect. More money perhaps? What we do, how do we tell no… I drove them there. A little thought ran into my head – why think the worst. Its ok. lets meet. Possibly he is just meeting because he  has come back. I still love the guy and I think he is a great guy. I told them don’t worry. If an awkward thing crops up – you can always revert later. You need not answer then and there. Jasmine came back after the meeting. ”You know why he wanted to meet us? He brought gifts and puzzles for us and he immediately wanted to return the 5 grand”. Well well well what do you know.

That’s what I told Jasmine. It was in my mind but I didn’t tell you guys. Sometimes you go out and meet with a blank face and mind. You take it as it comes. Earlier on I would worry – what’s the issue – why does he want to meet – why is he calling – what would I say – how should I talk. Etc etc. now I meet in a far more stable state. You don’t know anything. You should keep two three back up plans that this is my worst case and then meet without a real plan. Everyone deserves a meeting, a chance.

I have met so many people and been through so many situations. Jasmine told me that she too will learn. I said nopes. I learnt a lot of this from you. Jasmine would normally meet without thinking too much about the consequences. She was the one who taught me equanimity. No Jasmine – I learnt this form you. Mil lo. Don’t think too much. Ah things happen.

So that was an interesting lesson. You meet anything that comes your way and you have a backup plan. That’s about it I guess. You can’t predict the world but you surely can manage your space in it without too much thinking. Clarity of thought also means thinking less. Aila – that was high philosophy. I surprise myself at times.

daddy do rock and roll

Jasmine’s family took a jamboree to a religious place and surely they had invited us. Which isn’t a great proposition. Taking an avowed atheist of sorts for a religious jaunt is just what the doctor (did not) ordered. Luckily for me while Jasmine couldn’t wiggle out of it – I could. Thanks to Jispa. Jispa had her interschool competition towards which Jispa had to back out and therefore I was going to stay at home babysitting. But as luck would have it, Jispa has a sports shoulder injury and it’s ruled her out of competitions. Jasmine still wanting to give Jispa rest gave Jispa and me the opportunity to stay at home.

Many years ago when we were staying in Dubai, once Mom had to leave for Mumbai urgently leaving us in the good custody of our dad. We had just received the news that our granny had contracted cancer and she would not have too long to live. Mom had to rush back and we honestly had no clue. For us it was a party of sorts with no mom. To make alternate arrangements I remember dad got a cook form the site he was working. Mom left and the cook was fired in a day. I think mom was away for a week or something. WE hated the cook’s food and dad then obliged us. I don’t know how we managed to survive the rest of the time but I surely remember having strawberries and cream every day after dinner. We got along just fine and much to our mom’s chagrin we enjoyed the sojourn and put on weight. I remember her castigating dad for firing the cook. Hah. Bolting the stables after the horses have fled.

So I am just now fresh from a two and a half day with Jispa. I was determined to spend as much time as I could with her. We wanted to take on joint decisions and figure out what all we could do in the time. Jasmine being the mother tried to figure out as much as possible for us. What we will cook, what we will eat. I had to be honest in hearing her out and keeping a mental note. But in the back of my head I knew – I am not planning too much. This is a rare time that Jispa and I will get and it’s going to be a lot of joint decision making on our part.

So on the Friday evening when our friends called us over I politely told then that I better check with Jispa before I confirm. Jispa was also pretty keen on this bonding shonding thing. She also wanted to go home and catch a movie. So we rented a couple of movies and went straight home. Jasmine had prepared dinner before we left. She also thoughtfully stocked up the fridge with some yogurt, Orangina and she also made some popcorn.

First day gone. Next day Breakfast. This is where I come into my own. I love making breakfast more than anything else. Jispa and I woke up to make a really nice breakfast. We made a double decker sandwich. We invested the thing as we went along. We first shallow fired some onions in butter and then added some sugar while they were cooking. Voila – you have sweet caramelized onions which formed the top layer along with the paneer suitably shallow fried in butter. We also put the salsa sauce just to make it more exciting – but I think could have been easily avoided. To form the second base layer was tricky. I wanted cucumber and pesto sauce. That was an easy mix but now where would the cheese go. WE didn’t want to remove the griller as cleaning that would be a big ask. So in a fit of sheer genius – we added the cheese to eth cooking pot of pesto cucumber – and so now you have melted cheese as well. We simply got the toast ready and there – sandwiches ready. We named it the Madagascar sandwich, in honor of King Julian!

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Then I left Jispa for a part and went to take my lecture. I came back to pick her – saw another movie and starting preparing dinner. This one could have been wrong on epic proportions. I wanted to make a stew like my mom used to make. So I tried to rmemeber how Jasmine had once taught me to make white sauce. Butter to be heated and then add the flour. Ok… now it’s nice na dbrown, lets add the milk and oops… this is going out of hand. Jispa - more milk fast. It’s too thick…. More milk. Oh shit this carton is empty, open another one… lets go. Ok. Now add the chopped salad… I think it’s good. Then Jispa wonders if the quatity is a bit too much. err… ya… we then pour it in a baking bowl and then grate enough cheese and decorate it. We loved decorating it together. La la la li li li… it looks great. And yes it tasted great as well. We couldn’t find the garlic in the house so it only lacks a tinge of garlic but still awesome stuff. Jispa agrees whole heartedly. We devoured over another movie.

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The next day we watched another movie but before we started the fourth I said we go down for a walk. Jispa wanted to cycle but I said we walk and then I threw in an absolute googly. Let’s go down to the park and sit down and …. (here is the clincher) and have some Maggi. Whats with kids and Maggi. They just love it. I too actually love it. I also grew up with Maggi in the kitchen. We now realize it has gulmates and all the bad stuff, but we still allow Jispa a treat once in a while. Imagine a childhood without Maggi. So we go down to the parka and sit down and enjoy the evening with Maggi and lemon barley water and watch a  game of cricket in one corner and another game of football in another. That’s another lovely evening.

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The last bit was making the strawberry and cream. That is a part of Doshi ritual. When mom travels the kids have to get fatter. So we made some amazing strawberry cream with some melted chocolate and some crushed oreos. Awesome. This we made four bowls and finished one off. The others are to be had with Jasmine. With the extra cream (I have no sense of quantities required), I peeled and split opened individual segments of oranges and put them in. awesome… even oranges taste amazing with sweet cream.

So there you have it. All together a lovely two and a half days. Jispa enjoyed it as well. In the middle we also found time to understand geometry. These were really simple concepts that she for some reason couldn’t get in class. I can’t for the hell of me figure why she did not get it in class. Adjacent, complimentary and supplementary angles. Not that I remembered what they were. A little help from Google and we were done.

So we did the homework, we ate some awesome food, we cooked together, saw movies together…. Had fun. When Jasmine came home her reaction – “you guys did not eat anything from what I made for you”. err… not doing what the mom expects you to do when she is away is also a part of the Doshi tradition. My dad taught me that …. Didn’t he?

All photos from my instagram feed :)

Choice to be reborn a hero

You are fundamentally the choices you make. Not so much as the choice itself but the act of choosing determines you.

When I first went to London around eight years or so ago, I entered the toy store Hamleys. I was mesmerized by the offerings, the toys and the whole host of sales guys playing around. It was a magical world. Of course later Hamleys entered India and I got to take Jispa there. She had grown up a lot since then and she was less fascinated by the toys and the experience. This time we went to Hamleys in London, just to see the original store.

Inside the store were guys doing magic tricks and the various different sales guys demonstrating the toys. It’s almost a pressure sale. They show you how easy and magical a thing is then almost give it to you. It’s impossible to say no. In one case, I let Jispa take it and then I chatted with her and explained that this is available in Mumbai and then she realized and put it away. It’s a difficult task to walk away from the demonstration without the product in your hand so I let her walk away with it and then in quiet the rational explanation starts. It just saves you and the more importantly the kid a lot of embarrassment. And it also teaches the kid one simple rule – just because its in your hand doesn’t mean you have to bill it :). You can always say no.

Then on one of the floors was the Harry Potter memorabilia section. There we saw the different wands of the different wizards. Harry’s wand and those of his friends. Of course the famous elder wand was also there. Plastic wands at around 40 pounds each. Wow that is expensive. Jispa felt attracted to it. She looked at me. I looked at her. She wanted one. She had a 5 pound a day budget to do what she pleases. This was easy. It was six days savings. Jispa was not a spendthrift in anyways so she was hardly spending her 5 pounds. I asked her if she was sure. She nodded. And then Jasmine and me said fair – go ahead buy your wand. She took fifteen minutes to choose her wand. She choose Harry’s wand I think. And she was happy with her choice. After a few minutes she comes back to us and tells us – no, she doesn’t want it. Huh? Jasmine and I told her to take it, no worries. We can surely afford it and we even promised that it was a gift from us. Her five pounds would remain intact. But Jispa said ‘no, I don’t really know what to do of it. I am not going to play with it in any case’. We tried to assure her but she was clear.

Now that’s a bit of character. A bit of growing up. I have referred in the past to the Hero’s journey. In our life we go through many deaths and rebirths. In our quest, in our journey of the Hero we overcome many odds and many temptations. We overcome it to emerge stronger and tougher. Jispa had one such moment. She probably saw the wand and was completely driven to own it. For a brief period she owned it and once that emotion wore off rational mind set it and she realized she was above it. She died to live again. A hero’s journey.

Londonw as special in many ways. Jispa, I realize is now an adult. She makes her choices and in the process drives us up the wall. It is easily the most difficult period Jasmine and I have faced so far. By far the most difficult. She exercises judgment but not all of it is smart. She chooses not to listen so many times. She tries to get away. In her process of growing up, we are dying a thousand deaths and are getting born again. For a fundamentally sweet kid she is now in the process of tearing away her cocoon and butterfly parents are just not being able to manage it. Probably teaching 60 kids every year and managing office colleagues, makes me possibly more … should I say  ‘philosophical’ than Jasmine. I get driven up the wall as much as Jasmine but I just bounce back faster. Jispa has been far more tougher on Jasmine then me. But then Jispa’s journey is as much of importance as is Jasmine. Both will die a thousand deaths and see the cycle of trials and temptations. They will be helped along the way by mentors and talismans. It is for them to die and be reborn to get the ultimate blessing. When they do transform themselves and come back to the real world to spread the awareness to others, will then reach mastery of their worlds. Possible the blog has helped me remain sane or stable. Possibly the fact that I teach to so many forces me to brood less over these issues. This transformation is accentuated but the death and rebirth are something for me too.

The more times in life the cycle turns the wiser you will get. And to be stronger t is important for you to share your stories. Here I am sharing mine with you. Have you shared yours with anyone?

Read more of the Hero’s journey here  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monomyth

Freedom

We spend the first year of a child's life teaching him or her to walk and talk "and the rest of their lives telling them to shut up and sit down."

I read this somewhere and its really true and so truer than now with respect to Jispa. Jispa is suddenly becoming a big girl. She understands stuff, is able to argue back and is broadly able to resist. So whats wrong. Nothing – just as parents now we have to be all ready to handle a different child than the one we were handling six months ago. The nature of adolescence is now panning out. Neither she nor we know if she is an adult or a child. Should we treat her as if she knows nothing or should we treat her as if she knows everything. We have to get after her to do her stuff and she says she knows what to do. Jasmine is letting her peel and cut cucumbers and I baulk at the approval. That’s not done. I don’t think she is ready yet but then many girls younger to her do this and much more.

She fights and fights aggressively for freedom and responsibility and on giving she promptly screws it all up. She would  then proceed to just not do what is expected of her. Its not that she doesn’t understand. She does but just something happens and …. And it just creates more confusion in our minds. Is she old or is she young. Every phase gets tougher and tougher. Now that she is in the fifth grade the pressure of homework and studies have cranked up dramatically. There is a lot more to study and with her swimming schedule the time that she has is dramatically less. Time seems to have been condensed these days. So much so that we are now constantly on her case. Jasmine gets completely done in by the stress and then it gets to me. I try and understand and allow but then Jispa will simply mess things up and make me wonder whats going on. I allow her leeway in the morning to relax and not rush – the consequence is that when we are to leave she will not be ready and there is a mad rush for the bags. I allow her some time to read  a magazine at night – the consequence is that she remembers in the morning about the home work to be done and there is a mad rush with unfinished home work. We let her see a movie and project will remain unfinished or she will be ill prepared for her reviews.

Oh dam me. I always maintained that I will not put pressure on her to study. She is free to enjoy her life and do as she pleases. Studies will not be the main focus of her life like what my parents did. Studies they knew was the only way out of a life of struggle. They were right in their era. Time shave changed. I maintained always but then it lasted only till I became a parent of a 10 year old. So now I have changed to from studies is not it to only studies is not it. You need studies and something else. Or you have your something else and you have studies as well. Earlier when Jispa was born I was a complete ass. I even thought that great it’s a girl, at least the pressure on her to grow up and study and become an engineer is not there. But dam… that’s not the thing. We know she is smart and we know that she can do well. She has a great brain that is able to memorise as well as reason. So what’s my job as a dad? Is it to give her a great and happy childhood that she will remember for life (and not blame me like how I sometimes blame my parents) or teach her to study, make her study for now and then hopefully she takes a call later on what she wants to do in life.

I really don’t want to pressurize her. Yesterday as well I had to take the school magazine from her and get her to study and finish her homework. She obviously did not like it. It showed on her face. Later on I asked her about it and then I spoke to her. I told her I was sorry. She had to finish her stuff, I hate being a  mean dad much more than you hate having one. But I am sorry. She understood. At the end as was sleeping I told her “I am sorry and I promise you that it WILL happen again”. We laughed. It’s a tough one. And it’s not as simple as ‘let Jasmine do the irritating discipline thing and I will do the fun thing’. That’s not on as well. That’s unfair to one parent. So we both have to be mean and sweet. The thing is to alternate. But it’s getting freaking tough on both of us. We are constantly being pulled in by our true nature, our role as parents and our desires to see our child do well.

So what’s the answer to all this? its difficult. The way I see it right now and the way I explained to Jispa is simple. I have no option but ensure that you have a great base. She is around 11 right now. I have another 5-6 years at best to hound her and get her to study. If this base is well constructed then she can build it from there on.in fact she can then even decide to chuck it all and do something else altogether. But to have the freedom to choose you need to be able enough to get the choice in the first place. If you want to reject an admission in a college you need to get the admission to start with. That leave sus with very little room to play with. And that little room is gobbled up with her swimming. If she swims so many hours a day, she is eating into all her time for everything else. Plus we have to ensure she plays a bit and movies and relax and read… wow. I keep explaining to her that if she was a simple fun kid then she would have had time for a lot of simple cute fun. But is choosing to be a champion. Representing Mumbai is no mean feat, there are choices to be made and scarifies to be done. It is up to the athlete to choose. But she will need to.

On this a bit of philosophy that I read might help. It’s quite an interesting story. I have read this story as a kid, but I never did figure that this is an interesting and deeply philosophical construct. Read on. How limiting Jispa’s choices now we are actually giving her the freedom to choose! Sorry Jips, I think you are not going to find this one inspiring. Atleast for now.

http://bigthink.com/experts-corner/odysseus-nudged

Odysseus Nudged: How Limiting Our Choices Can Give Us More Freedom

by DAVE NUSSBAUM

According to legend, the Sirens were beautiful women whose voices were so alluring that when sailors heard their song they could not resist approaching and were drowned on the rocky shores of the island where the Sirens sang. No sailor had heard their song and lived until Odysseus, who, on the counsel of the goddess Circe, had his crew tie him to the mast of his ship. When he heard the Sirens’ song he begged to be released, but his crew, their ears plugged with beeswax, would not unbind him and saved him from his own desires. Odysseus was lucky – he knew that he would be unable to resist the Sirens and had himself bound – but people often have difficulty foreseeing their weakness from a distance. Sometimes they need help.

I love watching my not-quite-two-year-old son learn about the world from his mistakes. I look on with sympathy at his falls and bumps and spills and I try to restrain myself from interceding. But when he’s about to tumble down a flight of stairs I step in. It is difficult to balance preserving his freedom to explore and make his own mistakes with the desire to keep him safe. There’s a lot to be said for giving kids autonomy and letting them learn from experience, but sometimes you have to behave paternalistically and tie them to the mast (or at least install safety gates).

When you start treating grown men and women like you’re their father, though, the charge of paternalism becomes a more serious one. There may be cases in which a heavy-handed approach is necessary (particularly when people’s actions harm others), but we should be careful about using it. A more circumspect approach is libertarian paternalism, described by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein in Nudge (and re-articulated more recently by Sunstein in his Simpler) as a way of influencing people to make decisions that they themselves would consider beneficial, without restricting their freedom.

Here, we are not tying Odysseus to the mast – the more appropriate analogy would be to the beeswax that Odysseus had his sailors put in their ears. The wax prevented the sailors from hearing the Sirens’ song and saved them from being lured to their deaths, but it also left them free to remove the wax if that is what they wanted to do. This sort of intervention is an acknowledgment that the sailors’ freedom is important, but also that people are not always perfectly rational. As Carnegie Mellon economist (and psychologist) George Loewenstein recently explained to me, “When people have problems exercising self-control, restricting their choices can, in some cases, leave them more freedom to choose.”

On its face, Loewenstein’s claim may seem paradoxical – isn’t a person most free when presented with all her options and allowed to choose among them? But as the mythical Sirens make clear, there are some options that we are not truly free to resist. Without beeswax in their ears Odysseus’ crew would have been doomed; the wax gave them the freedom to choose.

bitch

I don’t want to be in the fight. Oh dam it. This father business is painful. Yesterday I was in the fight and scolding my daughter for something I wasn’t even sure I want. She needs to sleep as she needs to wake up in the morning for swimming. Instead she was reading a book. She went in the other room saying that she will come instantly when it’s time to sleep and till then she must read. I called her and yet she continued to read… Dam it. She needs to sleep but double dam it – she should be reading as well. Reading is good for you. But if I don’t interfere there is tremendous pressure on Jasmine. Jasmine is right now in cool off mode. She just ignores transgressions. She is like do what you want – I am tired of you. I don’t want to tell you. you are now old enough to know and handle this on your own. I am in the middle saying – no. she is not old enough, you have to keep the pressure else they won’t learn now.

So instead I get involved and do what I need to do, or rather what I am forced to do. I don’t want to be the authoritarian disciplinarian. Yesterday half way through the scolding I was losing faith in myself. But I need to get her to sleep. That is critical now. And it’s not that she won’t. She will sleep in 30 seconds of closing her eyes. If I don’t push it then Jasmine will erupt. She will burst. She manages Jispa every day, that’s a bloody tough thing to do.

So this time around Dad had to put a stupid stone on his chest and go for it. At the end of it, I looked at Jasmine and told her that this is getting too much for us. She looked at me and said, relax – one more week till the state meet and then no more morning swimming. Whew! Relax.

You know I want to be the cool guy. I want to be the guy that people love to have around and who is relaxed but if I do it all the time things would go off. The other day was the first time I had to tick a couple of kids in office off. These two would indulge in gossip all the time. Every time they would be sitting and chit chatting. I would make a joke about it and get them to work. But it would be of no avail. Then I let it rip. I got them into the room and gave them a dressing down. If they want to gossip then this is not the place for it. Every time getting together and talking in hushed tones is not the culture I want. Be loud about what you say. You can’t keep talking secrets.

I hate this secret culture. You always see these unsecure people wanting to talk secrets in office. Then when they are talking they keep looking behind their back or over their shoulder or around when they talk to you. I find that really dumb. Why do you need to talk to anyone and look around you? What is it that you are hiding or don’t want others to hear. Sometimes Jispa’s friends piss me off. They will talk to the other girls but while looking around. That is so secret secret behavior. Luckily Jispa shows no such signs nor doesn’t care or gel with this kind of stuff. Its so pissing off.

In my team I would like to root out such behavior and stomp on it. Talk, criticize but in front of the person. Don’t bitch so much, especially if it’s your team member. When someone bitches to me about someone then I assume that one will bitch about me to someone else. Tread with immediate caution!

being right

Jispa’s school is getting on my nerves. It’s not her school in particular that’s to blame it’s the dam bloody education system. I have blogged earlier that our education system does not allow the child to ask questions and probe or even confront the teacher. It is a hopeless power equation in school. The teacher is all powerful and the rest of the students or anyone else can take it or leave it. Last year we let go when her teacher corrected her wrongly on the meaning of the term ‘light year’. At Jispa’s behest we kept quiet and did not ask her to go to school with the right definition. But yesterday I knew I had to knock some defiance into Jispa.

I was waiting to have dinner with jasmine while she was trying to do Jispa’s home work. I dozed off when Jispa woke me up call me. I went outside and I saw Jispa and Jasmine at opposite sides of the homework. Jasmine was explaining how it should be done and Jispa was sticking to exactly what her teacher had asked her to do… exactly by the letter. In Jispa’s way the sticking activity was impossible with the pictures she had. Jispa was explaining exactly how her teacher wanted it. Jispa was adamant. Normally I just let Jispa get her way and tell Jasmine to give in. I remember my dumb arse teachers. They would give very clear specific instructions. They obviously wanted regimentation and refused to see anyone move away from the straight and narrow.  They did not want anyone straying and their job was to produce clones. Creativity was not encouraged or tolerated. There was only one way to do a particular job. As Ken Robinson argued in his TED video, that this was a product of the industrial age where students were needed who could simply mass produce goods and services and fall in line with the systems and processes set up.

I had kept quiet for long. I knew the pain of standing up and sticking to your gun. Once my dad was called into school as I argued with my teacher. I knew I was right and she was just being a pain. You just can’t win. But yesterday I had enough. I explained to Jispa, “look Jips, I understand and I hear you. I know what your teacher ordered you to do. You are right in explaining that to us but in principal what your mom is doing is also right. It is correct given that you have larger pictures (the whole argument was on how to arrange pictures on a time line). Last year your teacher taught you some wrong stuff on the light year etc, I kept qiet but this year you are in the fifth standard. It’s time for you to stand up. This is not wrong and if your teacher scolds you for it, I will talk to her or write her a letter explain how that is not the right thing to do and how this time line is not incorrect. This is the way it’s done in so many places on the internet and encyclopedias. If your teacher tells you that you are wrong don’t just take. Talk to her politely and tell her that you did this with your dad and he explained it to you how it was right.”. Jispa told me that she wouldn’t be able to tell her that. At which time I explained to her “Listen, I am not telling you to talk rudely to her. But you must be polite and yet explain to her why you are thinking the way you are thinking and that you are not wrong but don’t be rude. Even Gandhi told the British that they were wrong but he did so with a lot of respect. Didn’t you see that in the movie?” The penny dropped. She was better. And she got it done in the way her mom was helping her.

I looked at Jasmine. It takes two to do parenting. It’s not possible for one to have all the patience required. One is near the problem and tends to get exasperated; the other is a bit away and can take a bird’s eye view. You clearly need two to work.

But more importantly I think gave Jispa the courage to stand up for what she thinks is right. When my dad got called to school, he heard me and told me that you weren’t wrong in saying what you said but you can’t argue like this with the teacher. That is the wrong thing to do. That’s the story I explained to Jispa as well. Say it but say it with respect. And you have to stand up for what you think is right. I think not getting Jispa to explain that light year was a wrong lesson to teach her.

You have to stand up and not bow down to a teacher. I explained to Jispa that listen – don’t worry. We pay school fees and the teacher is expected to teach you right things. She can’t just scold you for something that isn’t wrong. You go ahead and be respectful and I will back you up. You have to assert yourself. Jispa is an amiable kid. She doesn’t like confrontation. She is a sweet heart with no interest in girl politics. But I guess it’s time for her to assert. She is beginning to do that with us and we aren’t taking it too well. I try and avoid a show down and take it diplomatically. I try and select the fights and the issues. The trick is to get her to assert on the right issues and be smart about it all. Talking to people in the right way while being what you want to be is life!

Bahut saara gyan!

I got this question in one of my previous blogs as a comment – “This question is unrelated to this post though would really appreciate your thoughts. Till what time is it alright for parents to hold the dreams/aspirations of their children ransom to religion and culture. And after what stage (if at all) is it justifiable to break free of these chains? You are free to choose not to answer at all :)”

Now I officially feel like an agony aunt on national TV.  Most of the time we get to see people with no expertise or experience waxing eloquence on things well beyond their grasp. Under normal circumstances I would have simply answered your question in one word. But these days I seem to be short of blog topics. Jispa has been growing up and all the cute stuff is slowly coming to a close. Most of the stuff I seems to have an opinion on seems to have been expressed already on the blog. What more can I write about. Or possibly my mind is currently in a state of flux. I am growing up and questioning a lot of my beliefs. Life is moving rapidly. Most the time the constant belief that remains with me is that ‘such is life, sit back and enjoy its turns and twists. That is possibly very boring to write in a blog. Just sit back and watch. How many times can I write that? There is politics at play in the office – just sit back and watch. There is politics at the gymkhana – just sit back and watch. There is politics within the team – just sit back and watch. What all can I write. Suddenly I feel like the Buddha, smiling as the world unfolds itself in front.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with someone going through a pessimistic phase of life. To him I was saying, sure India is going through shit, but that’s ok. When I was growing up we did not have anything to latch on to. I am happy for whatever we have. I couldn’t have imagined that I would find myself, where I find myself today. Mere pass, gaadi hai, bungla hai, paise hai… and so on. And of course like the anti hero – mere bhi paas ma nahi hai. She kicked me out some time back. Though now we seem to be getting along fine. She has made an effort not to get on my case and I have made an effort to repair those bridges. Thank god that while God gave me an ego he also gave me the temperance to allow me to swallow it. So coming back to the conversation. He seemed pessimistic about the future and on the fact that he was building white elephants. I looked back at him and smiled. These are problems of having and not problems of not having. As long as they are problems of having, they can be solved. The problems of not having are the ugly ones. He smiled at me and said that I am lucky that I have a positive frame of mind. Well, I told him that I have been kicked on my butt too many times to be negative. I can’t live otherwise. Of course I know my butt is going to be whipped and I know by whom but if I don’t care about the pain you can inflict on me then by that extension you have no power over me. He smiled again. I think he thinks of me as the Buddha. Haha. Like a colleague often looks at me and tells me ‘you have switched to Buddha mode’. I like that mode. Its helps me deal with a whole host of shit.

(side story - he gave me this link which i agree with but still doesnt dampen my CURRENT optimism - http://open.salon.com/blog/sean_paul_kelley/2009/03/26/reflections_on_india)

Jispa and Jasmine are another set of interactions to watch. They also have their own weird relationship. Jispa is growing up and Jasmine is quite the amiable person. But they can’t fight on so many things. In fact they keep fighting all the time. Till Sunday when Jispa’s vacations were on, they were having the best of time. They were hugging each other, playing with each other, walking with each other, chatting with each other… anything but fight with each other. I was amazed. This was too good to be true. This can’t be. Jispa was having a great time with Jasmine with no arguments or fights. Normally I am the peace keeper and the judge / jury between the two. But I was happy to be in the background or even in the foreground as both of them ganged up on me for some good humored fun. I have always believed that a family must be able to criticize itself and each other. I should be able to criticize Jispa or Jasmine and vice versa. Jispa had a lot of freedom to correct me and tell me what she thinks of me. She can say what she wants. Only thing I do is stop her from being disrespectful in public. She needs to avoid that. Jasmine is not so open to this. So Jispa has to learn that daddy and mommy are a different kettle of fish and need to be treated separately. That is not parenting 101, where both parents are expected to be consistent and not at odds with each other. I have often told Jispa that, a certain thing is Mummy’s idea not mine, so while I don’t endorse it, I am not going to oppose it. And I if think it’s not that great an idea, I tell Jispa about it. But at the same time I tell her that I may not be right, or I don’t have the means to implement otherwise or it’s simply not my department and hence we are following mommy’s idea. I would like her to realize that two people need not have the same idea at all times and just because there is divergence of views there need not be chaos or discord. So coming back… all the love and affection lasted till Sunday night. The last day of the vacation! Come Monday both were again on each other’s throat. That just showed one thing. Nothing was fundamentally wrong with the relationship, only that the pressures of time and duty which are inexorably linked to the clock can create all sorts of chaos for a relationship. And all sorts of complications creep in only to disappear when these externalities of time and scarcity are removed. So I have learnt to just see and smile as the world unfolds itself.

Today I was deconstructing the poem that Jispa is going to perform for the elocution. It’s about Ram and Raavan. The way I see it, it is like a bard singing in praise of the lord restoring order and dharma to the land. I was explaining that Jispa must bring out the love for the Lord when the line on Ram comes up, and then she added – should I bring about hate when the villain comes in? Well no. there isn’t really a villain in Hindu Mythology. Raavan wasn’t really a bad guy as more recent stories have made him out to be. He was a good guy, a great devotee of Shiva, his population loved him and doesn’t your own poem talk about Lanka being made of Gold. Then I helped her understand one version of the Ramayana. Raavan was a good guy but why did he go for Sita. That is because His sister Surpanakha egged him on and told him to take revenge for her humiliation. That’s because she coveted Ram and when Ram refused she asked for Lakhsman and when both said no, she tried to kill Sita; when Lakhsman chopped her nose and ears. But wasn’t that an excessive thing to do. Lakhsman need not have humiliated her. HE could have just stood in front and warned her that if you make one move I will kill you. Unnecessary humiliation that started off a war.

I am also just thinking right now. That is such a mean thing to do. One student once told me, that sir do you know so many girls have this huge crush on you. Of course I am aware. Sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes it isnt but I would be pretty insulted if there weren’t any. Someone cool and young comes in with contrary opinions, cracks tons of jokes and has a good class, it’s easy to have a crush. I too had a crush on so many teachers. It’s ok. And I told her that I always try and treat these kids with a lot of love back. Some kids come close and touch you to hold you or try and talk to you. I try and not break their heart. I am always sweet to them and their boyfriends and everyone. After all having a crush on you, the way I see it, is a responsibility to be shouldered well. It’s a great privilege. It’s cute to have attention, but it’s also extremely important that it’s treated well. Of course it will pass like they all do. But it should pass with fond memories and not with malice. Which is what Lakhsman spread.

So that’s what he did. So Raavan came in and took Sita. But not before Sita got greedy for the golden deer. They were in the jungle so the rules of Jungle applied. Might was right and Sita could be taken by force and deception. Ram even left Lakhsman to guard her but sensing that Ram was in danger, Sita sent Lakhsman off while giving him a sharp rebuke. He made a lakhsman rekha which in simple mythology is a magical line which an enemy could not cross but in terms of meaning was simply a boundary of the house. The house is civilization where laws of civil society applied. In the jungle, might ruled. So While Sita was in civil society she was governed by the laws of civil society hence Raavan couldn’t enter. So he tricked her out and abducted her. Raavan in many ways also did not break any rules. He also did not force himself on Sita but kept her with all respect in Lanka. He too was a good man but he was proud of his powers hence he still twisted the laws and came under the influence of his sister. And Ram also sent a warning to Raavan that give me my wife back and I will peacefully leave. When Raavan refused, the war began.

‘So that’s that Jispa’. It’s not that easy. Not all are white and not all are black. Raavan was not evil. So possibly unlike what your poem suggests while he was Abimaani (proud), but not atyachari (cruel?), and Ramw as the man who restored Dharma. “what is dharma” she asked. I was lucky to have read up Dharma a few days ago and hence I explained to her that it was a simple rule or code of righteousness that ensured people did their duties. Otherwise there would be chaos. She asked if it was like paap (sin) and punya (brownie points). No. that is a point system while Dharma is a code of what you are to do irrespective of points.

So culture is possibly important as it is something that we can pass on over to our children. Religion is also part of our culture. But it can’t be restrictive. These are not chains. These are ladders, steps on which we climb over. Culture by definition must change. You must have a healthy respect for culture. That is obvious. But what is not obvious is that you must have a healthy disrespect for culture. I am not a great son (my mom kicked me out) and I definitely not a great dad (I still mess up big time), so I can’t be the right guy to tell you what is right. But I definitely don’t see culture as encumbrances. Move with the times. Step back, retain what you want, and throw what you feel. Try and understand what is culture and rituals. When Jasmine’s grand mom passed away recently I was explaining to my nephew what each of the rituals could possibly mean. why we would carry burning cow dung to the cremation center (there was possibly no fire to be found in the jungle those days), why the pot of water must be broken from under your feet and never to look behind (symbolizing the end and don’t look behind so that you leave those gone forever and possibly don’t get scared by ghosts). Culture / rituals have meaning. A lot has been lost in translation. Have the patience to understand if possible or the curiosity to translate to what you think right. The Ram story also is a bit my interpretation and a lot thanks to reading Devdutt Patnaik. There are no absolute truths, only interpretations of culture. Likely or unlikely. And in this context I see religion as nothing different from culture. So that too is always a change. You can tell stories about them, you can explain its understanding and rules. You can inspire but I don’t think you can bind. Lying, smoking, non-veg is not bad as it’s against culture, but because it’s not good. Period. But then as an adult you are free to do what you want to do. Till then home ties bind you. So in effect till Jispa listens to me, culture is binding her. But I am telling her not to be bound by it. hmm… I did tie myself into knots didn’t I? But like the name of the blog says. Opposites must reconcile. I am binding her but I am not. I am telling her not to obey anything but if she is does or doesn’t she is obeying or not obeying. Both ways it’s a standoff. Opposites do reconcile in ways we think not possible.

I have been watching few Sherlock Holmes episodes. “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”. What’s the relation of this to the blog. Nothing really. I just thought of it. It’s a nice quote. Full stop.