Over a period of time, one changes. Someone was asking me about
people and how we change. My belief is that typically people don’t change
themselves too much. They change and many times it looks big, but most of the time,
it is a representation of something that was there in them from the start. An avatar
of it, comes out. So essentially you are the same person but just a different
manifestation of yourself comes out. People and circumstances do that to you. How
long can you go about being beaten and getting jammed by the world, before you
put your foot down and change.
The new friend in office is the HR lady. She is sweet and we
seem to get along. Possibly she is one of the older recruits we have had and
this brings a certain sense of stability to her behavior vis a vis the rest of the
jokers. She was saying that she can’t make out what I am. She is understanding
a new perspective about me every time. Ah well. She said that sometimes I am
damn tough and sometimes, I am a softy. I was telling her that as a kid, a
young recruit, I was pretty naïve and simple. I was innocent, loyal and straight
forward. I believed in what people said. Soon enough, I became hardened and you
can’t just take me for a ride every time. Shit happened and kept on happening
with me in my life and you change. I would to be the 21-year-old me. I loved
myself then. I really was a sweet kid. Now I am an asshole. I have changed.
So here, I have changed but not as much as it seems. I still
care, I am still more trusting than suspicious, I still like to give stuff
rather than receive and fundamentally, I just try and be the person I would like
to interact with. That’s how I have become.
Yesterday I was telling Jasmine – I don’t know how, but this
weird part of me has come out. In sense that I can love and give and give and
love till a point – and then, if you still don’t get it, I simply just shut
off. I am done. And once I am done – it’s over. I can be there but it’s over.
It happened with Mom. I loved her and gave a lot to her. I was loyal and by her
side. I tried to keep her happy and manage her expectations for many years. I
asked Jasmine to manage and I exacted greater sacrifices from them. Till a
point that Jispa was born. I remember that it was about the point that I just
gave up. I kept quiet. That was a snapping point. Till that point I was the
sweet kid who could do anything, and when break point happened, it was so quick
and fast that it seemed like I just flipped a switch. I would be very worried
when I keep quiet and I try not to. Because once that happens, it always
dangerous. Getting me back is not that difficult, but it will never be the
same.
It happened to people at work as well. One kid I taught, he
was drifting away and I gave him a nice job with me. He was okay at his work. I
kept him going till appoint came when he decided to leave. Sure, you must
leave, I try my best to ensure that people who work for me find new havens
elsewhere. But this kid hid his job search from me, which I understand and then
he never told me which firm he is about to join. That was bad and something
that I did not accept. You cannot be that secretive from me, especially if you
hold me in any regard. That was it, I rarely did speak to him afterwards.
I see this turning off behavior many times when I deal with
people. I just choose to keep quiet or not tell. If it’s not going to help then
it’s not worth it. My life gets selective. Old colleagues who bitch about me,
get this as well. You have to decide what you want from me and what you are
going to give me. If you want good friendship then you go the whole hog. If you
want camaraderie then that’s what you are going to get and if you want a good
colleague then that’s that. It’s the confusion in your mind that will get my
goose. I don’t abandon friends no matter how bad they may have been to me. I am
there, just the avatar that they are used to, changes. This is something they don’t
understand.
This is something about me that I fight a lot with myself
when it comes to my family. I know that the off switch is very very difficult
to turn back on and hence I try and stay away from it at all times. Jispa is
dangerously flirting with the off switch in some aspects.
I have always maintained a system in which I talk and
discuss a lot of things and try and impart learnings. All my life, I have
learnt, not for just expanding my knowledge but in a large part so as to expand
it to those around me. Talk to people, let them learn from your experience and
knowledge. This is the way for knowledge to expand and further gain roots in
your own head. It gives the greatest joy. Jispa gets the best from this as I explain
various different things to her. But these days as she changes and as she grows
up, she has little time and little patience to give me. Just yesterday itself, I
had an interesting conversation with a swim parent and this one was someone who
I was trying to explain on the role of government and how it is becoming a ‘Big
Brother’ in our lives. While we were discussing this, I explained that how
today we have so much control over our children’s life. We watch over them and
we know what they are doing in their lives. My parents hardly knew anything
about us compared to what we know about our child. That I keep telling Jasmine
to back off is another matter for a later conversation. But that we have an
overhang over their lives is a crazy thing. We are there and they know we are
there. The parents have whatsapp groups that talk to each other, corroborating stories
and chatting with each other. My mom knew no other mom from school. None. We
parents, practically know every other one. This is influencing their behavior
in many ways I argue. At a fundamental level, the kid knows about this overhang
and hence his behavior is attuned to this. He will change his behavior and
choices knowing our likes and dislikes and approval. So, in effect in many ways
we have made these choices for them. While we were growing up, the biggest
choice I think was the choice of girlfriend and the choices of our families, in
many ways shaped the choice of partners we had. Some rebelled but most stayed
within the norms. Today we know so much more and we therefore choose much more
and therefore, what we approve or disapprove in many ways in shaping our child’s
choices even before they make their choice. My friend to whom I was talking to,
got it and said, Schrodinger’s cat. Yes – much like the cat, the fact that you
are going to open the box and look inside has made the decision for the cat. In
fact, the fact that you have the choice to opened the box and look inside has
collapsed the probability and influenced the life of the cat. We make our
choices for our kids even by not making them, but by the very fact that we can
choose to make them. Oh bloody hell. But well it was interesting conversation
and I started talking about it at the dinner table, when Jispa got up for
something, and then she got up as she finished the dinner and then was sitting
elsewhere on the sofa in the living room. I looked at Jasmine and said “I was
telling her something”. Jamsine looked at me and called out to Jispa and said “your
dad was talking”.
I told Jispa to let it be. I dint want to talk anymore. I
then whispered to Jasmine “I think she has its easy. Ever since she was a kid,
she got me and whatever I could offer on a platter. I don’t think she values it
as much.” And then I murmured something to the effect that outside people come
to conferences once they see my name on the speaker panel and I have a lot to
offer to so many people and students. I guess at home it’s not as valuable as
it could be. Jasmine understood this. She knows what I have gone through or
what I go through.
I study and read so much and learn so as to teach. Of all
the students of mine, Jispa is my special one. It will be heart breaking when she
will do this. But I don’t grudge her for this. This is what kids will do. They
will not value whats in front of them. Possibly down the line, she may value
what I bring to the table. I jokingly (possibly half-jokingly) told Jasmine that
I am dying to meet her boyfriend. Possibly then she will know what her dad is
worth. I know that weird people like me are less available, what are the
chances that Jispa will meet two in her life.
But still, yesterday I was a little surprised with myself. I
normally try not to switch off when it comes to family. I know how dangerous I can
get with this. It can get pretty unnerving for the other side. I don’t wish it
on people, but this is a simple response mechanism.
Because I read so much, I learn so much and I tech so much, I
try and explain it to various people; and that is the exact reason I just shut
up if I don’t find interest on the other side. There is no point pushing where
nothing can be helped. So many people in day to day life, don’t know learnings
from their freaking elbow, if they see it. So many don’t want to and are too
preoccupied to or are just plain too arrogant to really want to know anything. Hence
it better to switch off. But this works (actually really does not) with the rest
of the world but is a zero-sum game with the family. You end up losing as much
as anyone else. I don’t let that happen. This little blogpost is a reminder to
me to say that I shouldn’t let it happen.
There are enough idiots in the world who piss me off and I don’t
need them again in my life. Some have managed to be family, I can’t handle any more.
This mustn’t happen. Today as I type this I realise that I have to resist this.
Shutting off is not an option at home. I think this response is a means to not
belittle what I have to say and not insult all that I have read. It is a way of
preserving my sanity and desire to learn more. I see many kids every year. Some
have an innate desire to learn and some don’t care about anything. It would
kill me to see Jispa move away from learning. But then – see I have just done a
Schrodinger’s on her.
I think we have influenced our kid’s reality in many more
ways than we care to think. This blog can
serve so many purposes. It’s not meant to be a blog to help her understand and
shape her behavior or be grateful towards us parents. It was meant to be a
source of soup for her. A kind of soup you want on a rainy day, that makes you
reflect and take heart in whatever issue you have. Soup, or perhaps coffee with
some chocolate dust sprinkled on it. Warm. On a cold day.
Some day she will have to deal with kids, possibly her own.
This will be awesome fun at the time.
Parenting is alike a freaking rollercoaster that just doesn’t
stop, it slows down and when it does, its typically when its creaking upwards,
making a weird sound to let you know that it’s going to just take you over the
edge and give you the scare of your life; and when you are done with it, you should
go back happy thinking that was a swell ride. Ya sure. I wouldn’t wish it on
anyone. Of all, not on Jispa for sure.
Fun fact – I can handle roller coasters of all types, I find
the humble tea cup ride a crazy nightmare. I can handle anything that goes
round and round. Conversations included ;)
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