quit

I had a skype meeting at 8.45 am today. So I was telling Jispa to hurry up as I drop her to school. I told her I have a meeting and I was getting the car to zip. She looked at me and asked me what I was doing in jeans and a t shirt if I had a meeting. I told her that I have meetings every day and I don’t need to wear formals for all meetings. She understood and she was asking me why I bother wearing formals at all. Jeans are so comfortable. ‘shouldn’t you wear what you are wearing everyday rather than being who you are not’. Yup I agree with her completely. I can’t understand formal clothes. I find them so bloody irritating. People should wear what they want to wear. I had no real explanation on why we have formal clothes culture in office. Why should we force people to wear formals? People should wear what they wear regularly and what they work the best in. Formals are definitely not it.

I quit. I quit wearing formals. I can’t handle any more formals… please.

Fine… I am getting carried away. But I really want to quit wearing formals for good. I am inspired by the this quitting thing. I was listening to a podcast of a Freakonomics episode where they explain the upside of quitting. It’s quite interesting. They say that people normally gravitate towards an average happiness of 7 on 10. No matter how bad shit has hit you or how much you might have been luckily happy. Over a period of time – you hit a 7. So if you want to quit – great – do it. It doesn’t matter. You will hit a 7 in no time. It also talks about why you must quit something fast. If it’s not working for you then you must quit fatafat. It saves you so much time and effort.

I look at Jispa – now this is going to be severe – I hope Jispa you understand what I mean here. Jispa has been swimming for many years now. It has defined her and her identity. She defines herself as a swimmer. She has hit state level but has yet to break it into the nationals. She trains hard and long but – when I see her and I see the others – it’s there to see. I think that for now – this is her level. It would take an extraordinarily large amount of effort for her to break further in swimming. I would want her to quit and take up something else. Something other sport, some reading, some cycling or whatever else that catches her fancy. India does not have swimmers and a swimming culture nor the infrastructure. To break through I would have to send her abroad and across the world to learn more. Then she needs to forget studying or anything else. Too much to go nowhere… and most importantly she is giving up her childhood for this.

Kids can grow up and blame their parents that we did not push them enough. This is a double edged sword. Do I push them enough so that they don’t really love their childhood or should I push them so hard so that they achieve what they are meant to achieve. What to do is a mystery. But one thing we must teach them – which is the most difficult thing to do – is to quit. Quit when is not going for you. Quit when you don’t like it. Quit when you think its enough. Quit when you think that inspite of everything you may not make it. Quitting is a thing we don’t really like,. We have been taught to go for it, to push, to never see reality. The top industry titans carried along and refused to quit when everything was against them. They kept going. Tales of champions are filled with messages of don’t quit. When the going gets tough the tough get going. Whoever heard of when the going gets tough – take a reality check.

I wish Jispa quit swimming. I wish she spent that time reading, watching movies, roaming endlessly. I wish she picked up another sport, played some tennis with me or badminton. I wish she quit and started something else. She has achieved far more than what I dreamed of. She represents Mumbai for heavens sake! What more. She wants to hit the nationals once. Once – she says. Oh god. I hope it happens fast – for her. Then I hope she takes on something else, till she finds something she really enjoys – like swimming perhaps :)

shut up and let go

Yesterday was the farewell party for one of my best ever juniors. She had joined us fresh after graduation and worked with us first for around 6 months. She left to attempt to an entrance test, only to join us back. This time she stayed for over three and a half years. He reported to my junior, but was working closely with me on a number of projects. We are a small team.
She also happened to be a dear friend of a dear student of mine. Over time her fantastic work culture along with a remarkably empathetic mind, she managed to win over many people in the organisation. I don’t anybody had anything negative to talk about her. For me somehow she became all the more special and I had a special corner for her. She was my special trainee and I loved to see her grow. Somehow some people come in your lives in such a way, that they impact you more then you really want to. While I might have taught her a lot, I too managed to learn quite a lot from her. Slowly over many talks I came around to trusting her. She would the only one who would know my computer passwords and I would lean on her for special requests. It was great relationship, almost filial.
So yesterday at her farewell, I was obviously emotional. She had put in her papers as she was getting married. And she also wanted to pursue some business. Leaving a career to get married is dumb but to do strike off on your own is a great thing. I have always been after her to get herself a spanking new management degree. When you are fantastic talent, you nee the polishing effect of an A grade education. That is something I have kept pushing her. I wasn’t sure if my company or any company would ever be able to recognise the value of a person without the polishing effect of an education. I have no clue what a management degree really adds considering the horrible standards. I have seen A listed fresh post grads struggling with simple concepts that talent such as hers grasp in an instant. So while she wasn’t doing any further studies at least striking out on her own seemed like an interesting bet.
Till yesterday evening. I heard that she was thinking about a one year post grad in marketing. I went livid at the party. I blew it big time. When everyone’s turn came to talk something about her, I went on to a long lecture on why she would be making a mistake and started castigating her in public. I would have gone on till suddenly her one time boss, tapped me on my shoulder. I knew that was a signal to stop. I crossed the line. Her boss knew I was getting all emotional. I soon stopped and closed my two bit speech with some postivity.
This lady who stopped her also worked with me for some time and is now a dear friend. She told me to let go. Let her make mistakes, it’s her life. She reminded me of what I once said about Jispa “you always said you will not interfere what Jispa does after she is 18 nah? Now why are you behaving like this with her?” oops. The penny dropped. I was being an ass. A complete ass. I know the lady has potential. Real potential. She is easily amongst the best I have worked with. A fast learner, superb execution and lovely ability to not ruffle feathers. Sure she should get the best, but then she also knows that. She is working within her constraints. She is best aware of her situation. What is my role? My role is to be there on demand. To point what I see wrong. To advice where necessary, to prod where urgent. Just step back and out. They have the right to their own mistakes and their own decisions. You may argue your case but you can’t push it down their throats. Finally, I know too little. I do not know the whole picture. I am blinded with my selfish desire to her succeed. Highly selfish. She may not see it that way. She might have to live her life with others. Taking others along with her.
I got a small dose of what it might feel to see your daughter grow up and do what she wants to. A small dose of what it might feel to be the father of the bride giving her hand away. What it might feel to see her take a decision that may not be in line with what you see as her potential. Sigh………….
Thank you, both the girls. Thank you. I grew up a bit.

Here they are. I am flanked by both these girls. On my right is the one who chastised me and on my left is the one I tried to chastise. And in case you didnt get it, in between is me.

life... choice... sigh

Some body asked me today about the choices we make. The ones that we make in haste and hope things turn out well or should we actually take time to think through all the choices we have. Should life be process driven.
It’s funny when someone asks me thus. I am reminded of the book I have ‘if you meet Buddha on the road kill him’. That book was once recommended to me by a blog reader, on one of the comments he left. It was an interesting enough title. I began reading it and never did finish it. The reason I couldn’t finish it was that it was very good and I always thought I should be a better frame of mind while reading it. Basically it talks about not looking outside but inward. The Buddha is in all of us. Also the book talks about how you can never give advice but you must relate your experiences in similar circumstances and let the pilgrim get his own answers.
This has been a driving force in my life in many ways. Possibly that is the reason that I don’t really like listening to too many advice givers, they don’t know me. At best they can relate their experiences and their thoughts. Then it is up to me to act and me to carry the cross of my own actions or like Napoleon, crown yourself.
Many years ago when I was engaged to Jasmine, her uncle in America had asked if I wanted to go there and make my life. He would support me to the end. I almost jumped at the chance. My mom was not too enthused. I think the reasons would be more like you can’t take the favours of your in-laws. It’s against society norms and people won’t respect you. I did not bother about that logic. My dad told me one thing that struck me hard. He said, in your life you have taken all your decisions. All that you are today are thanks to you and your abilities. You decided your specialisation stream, your own college, your MBA, your job, your summer assignment your wife everything. He said that he had no hand in any decisions that I took. In many ways I was on my way to be my own self made man. At this juncture why would I want to then take on anyone’s obligation? Things might not be as rosy there and the opportunity might not be that exciting. I think he was warning me of the perils of running just on someone’s word leaving what I had in front of me – my self.
Somewhere the penny dropped. I realised that and I kept it that. Another piece of advice my brother’s friend once gave me ‘its better to do it and know for yourself than not to and regret not trying, many years later’. That too has stuck with me for long. This was said roughly 17 years ago.
The common thread I take from here is that you are the master of your own destiny and in the end if you manage that then you have no one to blame but yourself and narcissistically, no one to thank but yourself. Right now too I just went through a rough phase mentally as thanks to some circumstances I was forced to rethink what kind of behaviour and attitude I must have. I have more than enough share of senior resources telling me what I need to do. In order to combat my normal self arrogance that I know best , I have conditioned my self to think at the first instance that what someone is saying is right and keep that as an hypothesis before proving it wrong or right (in degrees). But finally, the decision is mine and mine alone.
I have many stupid decisions in my life and some really bloody smart ones. But all that is hindsight and subjective. The bad ones might have saved me and the good ones might have been the ones that have stopped me from achieving more. The point being you never know. All I know that my supposed intelligence keeps improving all the time. And the calls I take keep getting better at the logic behind them – mind you I said that the logic behind the call improves; there is no evidence of the call actually improving. Who knows what the best solution is? Sometimes you see the mistake and you say yes – you improve, sometimes you don’t see it. the dangerous ones are the ones you get right and the logic fits correctly. You give yourself a pat on the back and congratulate your logic. Then you use it again, and again and again… your greatest strength becomes your weakness. You use it once too often and the world comes crashing on you. You have been exposed as a one trick pony.
There … now should you change or should you not. That is the question that I am facing. How much should I change? Things that I got right have got me here and the one instance it was used against me. This is getting a little complicated.
Virender Shewag was out in the last test playing the cut shot. One journalist asked him if that was his weakness. That he got out a few times playing it. To which the brilliant uncluttered mind of the batsman answered that the journalist also failed to see the number of runs that he has scored from there. He said that that had been his most productive shot from his arsenal. Should he cut it out?
Hahah. This is so not easy to answer. I guess the answer lies in learning from experiences. You keep at it, trying to think through the choices you made and analyse them. Slowly you might get better at them… not at making choice but making the logic behind the choices.
So can I attempt to sum total the entire post in one line – hmmm…. Let me think…..I think I got it…
life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get….
Thank you Forest.

But tell me one thing – aren’t the chocolates now coming in colour coded wrappers?