diligence and dedication

What is it to be a dad? I don’t know but being one does teach you a lot of things. Having patience for one. It can be extremely rewarding and frustrating at the same time and to live with these ups and downs is a part and parcel of being a dad. It compounds with the fact that parenting is a moving target as your child grows up every day. They respond differently and more importantly I as a parent, need to think differently. I have to approach each situation differently, every time it repeats or every new day.

It’s not an easy things and it’s not that it comes naturally. In fact the natural behavior would be to deteriorate your response with the frustration of repetition. At this point, I have to control my instincts and think deeper and reach for resilience from within. I am sure Jispa too needs serious resilience from within to deal with her parents as well. And this will only get tested again and again when she grows up and is independent and doesn’t require us for her growth or wellbeing.

Today morning as I was dropping Jispa to swimming for her morning swim and I reailsed that she had forgotten her flipper bag. Again. Oh dear. There was no point in scolding her or anything. She told me that she will simply borrow a fellow swimmers bag and continue. As I left her and went back home I couldn’t help thinking – Jispa reached her national glory thanks to Jasmine doggedness. We put her in swimming and then the program took over. Jasmine found her calling in Jispa’s program and supported her. We drove her to every swim meet, we sat in the background and fed her, we got her ready for school and dropped her, we cooked her special food and basically ferried her every where and got her to stick to her swimming program.

Left to her own, I don’t think the kid would have done it. Today as we have relaxed our oversight into her program she has slipped and how. She doesn’t train as hard, she bunks at will and we realize - she is not destined for pushing herself to achieve greatness. She is a good person. A nice toughish kind of kid but she is not the natural born self-motivated sportsperson who can continually achieve greatness by virtue of relentless unsupervised practice. She is not eklavya who can make a statue of her teacher and practice away. In Many ways she reminds me of me.

I think my dad would have said that I have never fulfilled my potential as a kid growing up. In sports or in studies. Procrastination was my thing and diligence was never it. It’s only when I grew up in life and when life kicked me in the backside that I realized the value of diligence and dedication. Anything that does not have it will not get achieved. And never to your satisfaction. I think Jispa achieved what she did in swimming was because Jasmine showed these two things in helping Jispa grow with the program. My job was diligence and dedication to Jasmine’s cause. It wasn’t my thing. Even today I tell Jispa, its ok, relax, live your life, have a childhood, and don’t bother training so hard now.

Jispa will grow up and understand these things. She is better than most other kids. I am sure. She can still manager her swimming and her studies and the simple fact that she continued to swim all these years, makes me convinced that she has it in her to grow. I am not criticizing her but making the difference between kids who are good (damn good) and kids who are great. Look at the current Indian captain. After breaking into the cricket team and the big league did her realize that he has to work even harder and train like crazy if he has to break into the all-time great lists. He was a chubby child and now he is a pinnacle of fitness and hard work. I was a lazy worker and now I put in 12 hours a day trying to get things done. It takes time to grow into what you want to do in life and when you get it, then you can go for it.

I am sure Jispa will be a great coach or a good teacher or an awesome worker. She should do well. She has a lovely disposition that she got from her mother, an understated ambition (mother again) and an ability to explain her thoughts (now that’s me). This is her and I am quite proud of her. She is a far better kid than I was at her age.

Just a few days ago we had this conversation on which subjects to choose and which to drop. I told her to screw career and follow what you love. Finally she chose basis the best teachers she would get. That’s a smart choice. All subjects are good. It’s the teacher who makes us love a subject. Now she chose physics on the basis of the teacher and immediately she loves it. That’s a great choice kid. Connect to people and you will always be rewarded. Pick people you love and work with them. Then it’s always easier to handle every issue that comes your way.

go forth and ....

Arrgghhh… I dread the days that I am the only one at the pilates class! He kills me. Normally if there are a couple more - preferably kids or ladies in the class, it make s huge difference. The trainer’s attention is diverted and you can generally cheat a bit by a doing  few reps less and by not going all the way in the exercises. But when you are alone, he is focus is on you and you alone. He tries to push you to do more and do right. He counts the reps properly and waits in the middle if you stop. Oh man. I don't know how people love personal trainers. I hate them. I refer training is a smallish group.

Today he made me do all sorts of things. And the big one! I can do the bakasan! This is a crazy asan. You first squat and then you put your hands in front of you and then slowly you lift your legs off the ground. And then you glance like a freaking frog but just on your hands. This is a tough thing to do. You try to push your legs so that they rest on your elbows and you try your best to stay there without falling front or back. When in the class they first showed it to me to do it, I was wondering if that was even possible. Why was he showing this to us - we cant achieve this at all! Slowly slowly overtime - I saw my self improve. One day I realized it was possible and that it required to get off your legs slowly and from the tips of your toes. I balanced for a fraction of a second. This became my new BIG ONE after the chakrasan! Slowly slowly I got more control on the asan. Today was a big moment. I could do it without the trainers helps and could hold the position for more than 5 seconds. Steady man Steady….

Wonder why its the crow pose - it should be the Frog pose!

but yes - after the workout that I cry to go to every morning I felt much better and fitter. I think it fundamentally aligns the body and keeps it fit. So yes - next Tuesday you will find me again at the place, trying to look like a frog who is actually a crow.

Jispa is now in the 8th standard. She now follows the IGCSC curriculum. So she has a choice to make - “should I do computer science or art or drama”. Now thats a weird choice to make. In many ways i think thats bucketing the students between the type of student they want to be. But hell, i don't mind whatever she takes. I said do what you want to. I asked what all they teach in each. After hearing her out I was ok with whatever she choose. “Art should fun”. “but is computer science like the right thing to do. Computers are all important and all, nah?” she asked me. Sure they are important. I have always maintained that computers are important along with math. But in this case I told her “listen kid, it really doesn't matter. sure computers are important but what is more important is that you enjoy and like what you do. Do whatever you enjoy. Computers have exams at the end of it, and that can be painful, i understand. Plus you are not really interested in it. When I was your age, I too did not understand the value or fun or future potential of computers. I did not know and I did not care. If you don't like it too much, its cool from my side. You do what you like. Art is fun and so is dramatics. I would have taken dramatics if I were in your place. Take art if you want.” Jasmine was clear - don't take art if you are going to get any art home work. with Jispa’s swim schedule, there is no time for any extra homework, which Jasmine will end up doing for her :) . I continued “Also understand, math is important but to a level where it allows you to choose what to do. If in the end you give it your best shot and you don't like math then thats cool as well. We drop it. If you like, do geography, do history. In fact I would be so happy to have you do history and we would discuss this stuff and WW2 together.” . “ya? What would I do with a  history degree”. “i don't know - be a teacher, write a book, do some research, or become museum curator I guess… Whatever. Do what you like and what interests you at the end of the day. And in the end - you can always do your marketing MBA and become a marketing manager”

 Wow - I was so proud of myself for having this conversation. I always wanted to have this conversation with her. Go forth and conquer. Just go forth. DO anything, try picking one thing that you like and that one thing that you think you are good air and where you find your passion. We can figure the rest!

Faltu bonus song - just to prove that I am still cool because eI listen to my daughters choice in music and thats whats plays in the car when we all go. She has her songs on the cell phone which then plays from the bluetooth. Cool. I am too cool.

a moral compass

Religion divides more than it unites. It gives a sense of identity but at the same time it also uses the identity to group and pit one against the other. I am sick and tired of religion and culture being used as benchmarks for anything. I have learnt to abhor religion but funnily not yet abhor God. Also my belief has been to look inward and seek strength than to ask God for help. Hoping that God will somehow materialize and work his mircales is something I have learnt not to trust. Put faith in your hands and your thoughts and your deeds.

Oops – what with the sudden burst of philosophy. Well nothing really. Today I heard a podcast that spoke about the pope and how he was not too happy with this unchecked market economy of sorts.

When I was growing up I was a curious mix of a religious guy and a leftist. Poverty and hunger were essentially state subjects and could be solved by taking the money from the rich and redistributing it to the poor. Why should there be poverty. Can the state just simply redistribute it? Over the years I moved from left to a free market believer. And at the same time I moved from being a religious person to an agnostic. The transformation was complete. But at heart I remained a person still moved by problems of the world. I refused to accept the simple notion that people are poor because they have taken those choices in life. I would agree that in Mumbai city no one can really be poor and a complete destitute.  They is no reason to beg on the road. There is enough work in Mumbai for people who are ready to work hard. But that is a simplistic view. While they may be marginalized, there is no reason for letting them come out. The idea – in words of Jeffery Sachs is to give them a ladder. Then it is up to to them to climb out of it. I don’t believe in dole but I do believe in an infrastructure whether it is social or economic or even physical (roads rail etc). and these cannot be dictated by free market but by the power of common good.

I keep thinking. I don’t give money away to charity. I don’t trust any of these characters. I don’t believe in them. So what do I do. I know that I want to give my time and attention at the end ot something meaningful but I guess my form of charity is simply teaching those around me. Guiding them, talking to them and trying to build a happier planet – one person, one interaction at a time.

So, I believe in what I think the point the Pope is trying to tell. Free markets with no moral compass is a dangerous thing. where Only the fittest survive, we don’t give a chance or care a dam about the others. In the long run – it will create an oligopoly and the concentration of the haves will lord over the have nots in an unfettered sort of way.

Bah! But why is all this so important? Why am I thinking about it. I have always wondered where my moral compass has come from? I believe that a lot of it may have come from religion driven ethics and morals. I don’t think would have been a vegetarian if not for the fact that I was born in a Jain household. That’s the simplest example. So while I can have a source of morality (whatever form or manner), I wonder what happens to Jispa when she grows up. Even the Buddhists sects realized that a simple idea of Buddha understood as a thought and not a figure was tough and then migrated to an image of Him and in many ways worshipped him. Same so with Jainism. The god Mahavir verus The God Mahavir has been an undercurrent theme that I see in those around me. We deify a saint more than take home his principals. But then would I have been able to understand those teachings without the accompanying rituals. It’s a question I may never be able to answer.

But with Jispa we will know when she grows up. She knows no prayer and she knows almost no God. We have no image of him at home and we don’t pray not believe in rituals. We silently stay out of rituals that we are called for. So when she grows up she will have to have a moral compass that is her own. That is possibly from her parents and surroundings – school, peers etc. it will not be out of fear of God or for greater good in the next life. She will be what she is because she will choose it for herself.

Well it does sound good when I write it down like this. but the risk of not having a moral compass just because your parents were too anal about religion is a bit of a bummer. But yes. Jasmine and I still have faith in this approach. Be yourself. Be what you want to be not because of dogmas but because of your choices and your decisions. Let the wisdom passé don from centuries only be your reference for learning and listening. But do your own bit. And least of all – religion is meant to liberate not restrict. Liberate? – once it gives you a moral compass – you then free to do what you wish. Like I once blogged in the past. When you restrict a certain opportunity to yourself you are in effect giving yourself the freedom to do what you want to. The only question is where is that moral compass coming from and how seriously are you taking it. It is only a liberator not a restrictor. If it restricting – then throw it.

Just for the record – the Freaknomics podcast  - though I never figured that I may agree with the Pope (or least see his point of view - in some angular sort of way. though this Pope Francis seems to be an interesting character.

you can get his EVANGELII GAUDIUM here: though to make sense of it you may want to read some other sources.  http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/francesco/apost_exhortations/documents/papa-francesco_esortazione-ap_20131124_evangelii-gaudium_en.html

read here http://world.time.com/2013/11/26/pope-francis-denounces-idolatry-of-money-and-tyranny-of-capitalism/

baazi haar kar bhi baazi jite....

Monday morning we went for the athletic training. Jispa has joined once a week training to complement her swim training. It involves a lot of stretching and some jogging. The lady in charge makes us run two rounds of the racecourse, which is around a little less than two and a half kilometers. I run with Jispa almost as a pace setter. I keep her running; keep egging her on, let her keep a pace. It’s fun to run together at least once a week.

Around a year back I stopped competing with her in swimming. With a dive I could just about match her timing for one 25 meter lap. But around a year ago she beat the shit out of me. With a dive and without a tumble turn I was beaten crazy, and I was huffing and puffing while she was looking and me and smiling. One more round? Buzz off. No way.

So I am happy that at least in running we are starting off together and we train together. This way at least I run with her and share some pain of the sport together. I push her and she pushes me. Once the coach asked us to go for a sprint. While coming back it was great fun pushing her. She is a bit competitive. She is silent and yet I see flashes of competition, nothing of the chest thumping aggression but a desire to push the bar at times. I like that. That race was fun. Towards the end, she went fast, then I went faster, she pushed, I pushed harder… there were at least three such bursts before I won! Yay.

Now this started off a competition between her and me. So every time the coach gets us to do a round the last bit becomes somewhat of a race. This time the coach asked us to run two rounds. The first one should be slow and easy – 17 minutes instead of the normal 15 minutes. And the second one must be faster. Jispa is a horrible starter. She starts complaining the moment we start. My stomach is paining, my ankle is paining. Then she goes too slow, then she will have a shoe lace to tie. She starts really bad. I keep encouraging her. Then at the mid-point she does better and then at the end she finishes strong.

This funny schedule spoils my running style. I like running consistent. So at the start I am forced to run really really slow, which is tiring. So we did the first one slow. And with the winter just about setting in on the second round I got a bit of a congestion…. And something went haywire. I started breathing really hard. I guess I need to restart my swimming to get back into clean breathing systems. But it was really bad at the end. (okay okay – these are all excuses – genuine but excuses)I asked Jispa if she wanted to start the racing bit. She said – no later… I was ok. we do it later. When the last 100 meters were being covered – the little rascal started to run faster. She suddenly moved up a couple of gears. I Pushed my self… and that’s it – there were no more change of gears – she just ran off. I looked and tried but had no reserve energy left – I couldn’t attack. Dam it – where did she get this reserve after running 4 kms? I lost this race. Now she whips me in running as well. that felt really really good.

But now I am waiting for the next one. This time I hope to have clear lungs and nasal passage and this time I will start the race a bit earlier. And I want to beat the shit out of her. I don’t like losing as well. Her aggressive streak is also there in me (that was a bit of an understatement).

Sport has a funny way of showing people’s inner demons :) . It exposes you to a side of personality that normally stays hidden. Not just for yourself but also for others. Running with Jispa is exposing a side of her personality to me. I had suspected that she had this streak but was not sure about it. We always have told her – you need not win – do your best. But I have seen her push herself in different situations. Relays are one place where her timings are the best. But this aggression which is quite, well directed and focused with a kick to win an interesting race…. That’s a nice one. You don’t need to win all the races you participate – only the ones you love to. Choose well :)

Just for record – the second round was 13 minutes.

Choice to be reborn a hero

You are fundamentally the choices you make. Not so much as the choice itself but the act of choosing determines you.

When I first went to London around eight years or so ago, I entered the toy store Hamleys. I was mesmerized by the offerings, the toys and the whole host of sales guys playing around. It was a magical world. Of course later Hamleys entered India and I got to take Jispa there. She had grown up a lot since then and she was less fascinated by the toys and the experience. This time we went to Hamleys in London, just to see the original store.

Inside the store were guys doing magic tricks and the various different sales guys demonstrating the toys. It’s almost a pressure sale. They show you how easy and magical a thing is then almost give it to you. It’s impossible to say no. In one case, I let Jispa take it and then I chatted with her and explained that this is available in Mumbai and then she realized and put it away. It’s a difficult task to walk away from the demonstration without the product in your hand so I let her walk away with it and then in quiet the rational explanation starts. It just saves you and the more importantly the kid a lot of embarrassment. And it also teaches the kid one simple rule – just because its in your hand doesn’t mean you have to bill it :). You can always say no.

Then on one of the floors was the Harry Potter memorabilia section. There we saw the different wands of the different wizards. Harry’s wand and those of his friends. Of course the famous elder wand was also there. Plastic wands at around 40 pounds each. Wow that is expensive. Jispa felt attracted to it. She looked at me. I looked at her. She wanted one. She had a 5 pound a day budget to do what she pleases. This was easy. It was six days savings. Jispa was not a spendthrift in anyways so she was hardly spending her 5 pounds. I asked her if she was sure. She nodded. And then Jasmine and me said fair – go ahead buy your wand. She took fifteen minutes to choose her wand. She choose Harry’s wand I think. And she was happy with her choice. After a few minutes she comes back to us and tells us – no, she doesn’t want it. Huh? Jasmine and I told her to take it, no worries. We can surely afford it and we even promised that it was a gift from us. Her five pounds would remain intact. But Jispa said ‘no, I don’t really know what to do of it. I am not going to play with it in any case’. We tried to assure her but she was clear.

Now that’s a bit of character. A bit of growing up. I have referred in the past to the Hero’s journey. In our life we go through many deaths and rebirths. In our quest, in our journey of the Hero we overcome many odds and many temptations. We overcome it to emerge stronger and tougher. Jispa had one such moment. She probably saw the wand and was completely driven to own it. For a brief period she owned it and once that emotion wore off rational mind set it and she realized she was above it. She died to live again. A hero’s journey.

Londonw as special in many ways. Jispa, I realize is now an adult. She makes her choices and in the process drives us up the wall. It is easily the most difficult period Jasmine and I have faced so far. By far the most difficult. She exercises judgment but not all of it is smart. She chooses not to listen so many times. She tries to get away. In her process of growing up, we are dying a thousand deaths and are getting born again. For a fundamentally sweet kid she is now in the process of tearing away her cocoon and butterfly parents are just not being able to manage it. Probably teaching 60 kids every year and managing office colleagues, makes me possibly more … should I say  ‘philosophical’ than Jasmine. I get driven up the wall as much as Jasmine but I just bounce back faster. Jispa has been far more tougher on Jasmine then me. But then Jispa’s journey is as much of importance as is Jasmine. Both will die a thousand deaths and see the cycle of trials and temptations. They will be helped along the way by mentors and talismans. It is for them to die and be reborn to get the ultimate blessing. When they do transform themselves and come back to the real world to spread the awareness to others, will then reach mastery of their worlds. Possible the blog has helped me remain sane or stable. Possibly the fact that I teach to so many forces me to brood less over these issues. This transformation is accentuated but the death and rebirth are something for me too.

The more times in life the cycle turns the wiser you will get. And to be stronger t is important for you to share your stories. Here I am sharing mine with you. Have you shared yours with anyone?

Read more of the Hero’s journey here  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monomyth

Psycho...

One of the first things you lose in corporate life is Innocence. I keep telling the new kids on the block. Shape up, don’t be so stupid, lose your innocence, don’t get screwed, protect your backside. I lost my innocence little by little. So will you. Losing innocence is not necessarily a bad thing. You will lose it, you will get tougher, you will realise that not what everybody says is true. You figure things like what they say versus what they mean; you learn to take instructions over emails and ask people to be specific. There is lot of innocence to be lost.

I lost a lot over the years. Also I have learnt to deal with issues differently. There are so many things that upset you or are potential hazards. Most of the time they are hazards that you have to live with. Shit that you can’t avoid. You just have to be patient and wait out the storm. These things are best dealt with, with your tummy to the ground. These are tough things for your egot o swallow or really hit your self-esteem in the short run. But over the long run it doesn't matter. I have learnt over a period of time to think smartly. Here – this round is yours, it doesn't matter. Here another round is also given to you. You save your blows for the main game. In many cases you just don’t bother about the main game at all. Who cares about the main game? Most the things if sufficiently ignored, just goes away. The challenge is in knowing what to attack and what to ignore.

You learn to deal with a  lot of issues by placing a simple stone on your chest. People will get tramples over… ignore. People will get a raw deal…. Ignore. You can’t change everything. You can’t run with a load of everyone on your back. You cant protect every weak guy. Two things – number one – the weak guy will have to learn to defend himself. The same way I did. I was screwed, smashed and hammered … I got hit, got up and learned to dodge. Better you learn faster than later. Second – if you try and protect too many people you will get exposed yourself and in all probability you will drown and take a few more with you. Simple smarts tell you when to pick which fight.

But yes, it requires you to be cool about things when shit hits the roof. In extreme stress, shut down. Take an objective call. Take a fair call. And be cool about it. I am amazed at how much I can just shut off. Simply shut down that part of the heart which is hurting. Screw you. Stop the brain from thinking too much about what you have lost and focus on what you can salvage. It’s the instinct to survive, the instinct to play the longer run rather than being foolhardy.  Short term bravery can cause serious long term damage. Staying in, grafting slowly, pushing the right envelope is an acquired skill set. Amongst all this the trick is not to lose your moral compass. It’s easy to do so and I see people around me do it all the time. Selfishly sacrificing people, or even killing people for a sport, they do it all the time. that’s wrong. Sure, life teaches you to be smart but the way I see it, I may be guilty of inaction, but surely I am guilty of proactive killing. That’s a wrong thing. I don’t like that and I don’t ever endorse it.

It’s a fine line. because eth greatest pleasure you get is when you are taking revenge. Its  a human instinct. But controlling that instinct is as important as anything else. Its also makes good sense. You gain more from reconciliation than from revenge. Potential upside is better than certain doom.

Whats et me off thinking in this way was an article I read. There are a lot of calls to be taken in one’s life. Some involving sacrifing the happiness of a few to securing that of many. Is that a right thing to do. Are you allowed to play God. We play God to our kids all the time. we take their calls for them,. We push them into situations that we think is best for them. But in offices are you allowed to do that? This is a big question.

There is no easy answer. Yes I am supposed to do that. If someone in my team is not proving to be a good worker, it sis my job to get him or her out of the way of those whose passion it is to perform. Ten years back I would have said otherwise. I would have recommended pulling along dead wood. But again the culture, the circumstances all matter. If you are too quick to pull dead wood off the system, this puts a high human cost on the rest. They all would need to run at all times. They will not trust each other. They will constantly look over the shoulder and you lose out on various other efficiencies. It’s a very complicated call. But the only basic truth is – yes, tough calls need to be taken and they can be taken by putting a stone on your heart.

When Jispa was only a day or two old, we had to pierce her ears for the earrings. Whose job is it to hold her tight? When she needs an injection, whose job is it to hold her again. These are similar situations where being tougher is part of the job. Parenting, along with leading  team through a sea full of sharks calls for tough calls. Emotional calls being tempered by practical day to day calls. Cutting an arm to save a soul. Current human misery versus POROBABLE future benefit.

I have had to fire people due to recessions. I have done it twice and both times I remember having to let go of good guys. I did it but I hated doing it. I try and avoid such situations and hence I always like smaller leaner teams. You share the rewards and you derisk downturns.

Bottom line – I grew up. Not that I like it or as if I had an option. But I grew up.

Here is the article I read. It’s funny how close we are to psychopaths at times. Running life is a test in morals and psycho behavior….. read on

The famous "trolley problem" was a psychological experiment developed by Philippa Foot that involved a railway trolley headed toward five people who can't get out of the way. These people will die unless you, the subject of this experiment, decide to divert the trolley onto another track. That decision comes with a cost. There is another person stuck on that track as well, and that person will die. What do you do?

Well, most people have little difficulty making the "utilitarian" choice of choosing to kill one person instead of five. However, the philosopher Judith Jarvis Thomson proposed a variation to the trolley problem, and the results of this test are quite different.

Thomson's variation is this: "You are standing behind a very large stranger on a footbridge above the tracks. The only way to save the five people is to heave the stranger over. He will fall to a certain death. But his considerable girth will block the trolley, saving five lives. Should you push him?"

This question was taken up by the Cambridge psychologist Dr. Kevin Dutton in recent book on psychopaths called The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success. So how do people with psychopathic tendencies differ from normal people when taking this test and what does it mean? The results may surprise you.

According to Dutton (citing the Harvard psychologist Joshua Greene, who observed psychopaths and normal people dealing with this dilemma), the variation of the trolley problem involves a "personal moral dilemma" that "hammers on the door of the brain's emotion center, known as the amygdala." While this dilemma makes normal people "circumspect and jittery," and 90 percent refuse to push the stranger off the bridge, Dutton writes that psychopaths, "without batting an eye, are perfectly happy to chuck the fat guy over the side, if that's how the cookie crumbles."

In other words, if you, assuming you are a "normal" reader, are hooked up to an fMRI machine, your amygdala would "light up like a pinball machine" when presented with the "personal" version of the trolley dilemma. However, if Dutton performed the same test on a psychopath, he writes, "I would see only darkness." The same would be the case if you showed a psychopath images of famine victims: their brains "merely pull down the emotional window blinds and implement a neural curfew."

Dutton says there is a benefit to this lack of emotion expressed in psychopaths if they are -- as crazy as this might seem -- in positions of leadership. Here's one example, the facts of which have been disputed by historians, but which nonetheless serves as an illustration of the trolley problem on a grand scale.

In his book The Ultra Secret, F. W. Winterbotham argued Winston Churchill knew that the Germans would be bombing Coventry in 1940, but decided not to alert air defenses because it would have compromised Ultra, the British intelligence system that would later be credited with making D-Day a success.

While historians have disputed that Churchill knew the actual target of the raid was Coventry, this "what-if" history certainly makes for an interesting psychopath test:

Would you let 568 civilians perish in the raid on Coventry if that meant many more British soldiers and civilians would ultimately be saved? What would your brain scan look like when the German bombers flew to their targets unmolested? That's the kind of question that isn't asked in presidential debates, but maybe it should.

zen in the art of mopping

The humble mop. This is the secret to a happily married life. Believe it.

My maid has taken a month off. She has gone to her village to get her son married off. Basically there are two important things she does, washes and then keeps the vessels in place, and then brooms and mops the floor. So in her absence the pressure is on us to do the same.

I think in the middle I had gotten into a negative frame of mind at home. I probably refused to see the work at home and I would possibly not help out as much, possibly I was tired or pre occupied, or just plain blind. But I never saw the work and now in hindsight I agree that I was not much of a help. This time around I was determined to be a better spouse around the house.

I think in the middle I had an unjustifiably large ego about myself. I thought I was helpful and did a lot of work. But I had gotten into a bit of pride doing it, which I now see and realize. So I picked up one thing on doing while reaching home. THE MOP.

Normally I would have hated mopping the floor. The way the maid does it by bending over and using a swatch is impossible for corporate backs like ours. But with the introduction of our house to this brilliant mop has made mopping very simple. This is a lovely magic mop. You just wet it, then squeeze it with the handle provided and start mopping the floor. I love going in lines, tile by tile and cleaning the floor.  The floor then becomes squeaky clean.

I think that’s the secret of my new found happiness. I don’t mind mopping the floor. The clean floor acts like a beautiful feedback. Keep mopping and keep seeing a clean floor. I was explaining to Jispa that while one cleans the floor one must do even a simple activity like this with pride and not miss a single spot. Tile by tile you cover the entire house and keep it spotless. I told Jasmine “you know what, I really don’t mind doing this.” And then I thought a while and rephrased. “I don’t mind doing this if I had the money to have a maid to do this. I would definitely not be happy mopping the floor if I did not have the money to hire a maid for this”. Jasmine and I had a good laugh on this. It’s probably true. There are a lot of things we really don’t mind doing or even possibly enjoy, but they are really fun doing if you do them by choice and are not forced into doing it. Don’t we all humans essentially want choice?

Talking about choice, I read an interesting book “the art of choosing” by Shreena Iyengar. One of the points she makes is that while choice what we seem to crave for, too much choice can be bewildering to the point of paralysis. She ran a famous experiment where she presented shoppers with a variety of jams to taste and followed with discount coupons for redemption. The findings were clear - The higher the variety offered, the lesser was the redemption rate.  She also says that while we don’t want that much choice, many cultures don’t even care for choice. Possibly Asian cultures defer to higher authority and want the choice to be made for them. You are the smart guy with all the authority, you should know better than me on these choices.

Listen to her TED talk here

It’s a very profound learning I have had. NOT ALL PEOPLE WANT CHOICE. I have struggled with some of the members in my team. No matter how much autonomy you give or force upon them, they would like to defer to you for your decision. At first I thought they were merely scared to make the choice. Now I think otherwise. They are just not trained or mentally tuned to make choice. You being the boss must choose. They probably see deferment of decision as a weakness. Why can’t you choose if you are the boss? Or your choice is obviously the right one, why should I change my world view. I think once I changed my view on this issue, I got a lot less worked up by this lack of decision making. I tackled it as a cultural issue and not as a personality issue. It’s been much easier then. I can handle this much better, and I can direct much better. My exasperation levels have surely gone down. And yes, possibly I have become a better husband, father, friend and an easier human being to relate to. Possibly… but then again…

life... choice... sigh

Some body asked me today about the choices we make. The ones that we make in haste and hope things turn out well or should we actually take time to think through all the choices we have. Should life be process driven.
It’s funny when someone asks me thus. I am reminded of the book I have ‘if you meet Buddha on the road kill him’. That book was once recommended to me by a blog reader, on one of the comments he left. It was an interesting enough title. I began reading it and never did finish it. The reason I couldn’t finish it was that it was very good and I always thought I should be a better frame of mind while reading it. Basically it talks about not looking outside but inward. The Buddha is in all of us. Also the book talks about how you can never give advice but you must relate your experiences in similar circumstances and let the pilgrim get his own answers.
This has been a driving force in my life in many ways. Possibly that is the reason that I don’t really like listening to too many advice givers, they don’t know me. At best they can relate their experiences and their thoughts. Then it is up to me to act and me to carry the cross of my own actions or like Napoleon, crown yourself.
Many years ago when I was engaged to Jasmine, her uncle in America had asked if I wanted to go there and make my life. He would support me to the end. I almost jumped at the chance. My mom was not too enthused. I think the reasons would be more like you can’t take the favours of your in-laws. It’s against society norms and people won’t respect you. I did not bother about that logic. My dad told me one thing that struck me hard. He said, in your life you have taken all your decisions. All that you are today are thanks to you and your abilities. You decided your specialisation stream, your own college, your MBA, your job, your summer assignment your wife everything. He said that he had no hand in any decisions that I took. In many ways I was on my way to be my own self made man. At this juncture why would I want to then take on anyone’s obligation? Things might not be as rosy there and the opportunity might not be that exciting. I think he was warning me of the perils of running just on someone’s word leaving what I had in front of me – my self.
Somewhere the penny dropped. I realised that and I kept it that. Another piece of advice my brother’s friend once gave me ‘its better to do it and know for yourself than not to and regret not trying, many years later’. That too has stuck with me for long. This was said roughly 17 years ago.
The common thread I take from here is that you are the master of your own destiny and in the end if you manage that then you have no one to blame but yourself and narcissistically, no one to thank but yourself. Right now too I just went through a rough phase mentally as thanks to some circumstances I was forced to rethink what kind of behaviour and attitude I must have. I have more than enough share of senior resources telling me what I need to do. In order to combat my normal self arrogance that I know best , I have conditioned my self to think at the first instance that what someone is saying is right and keep that as an hypothesis before proving it wrong or right (in degrees). But finally, the decision is mine and mine alone.
I have many stupid decisions in my life and some really bloody smart ones. But all that is hindsight and subjective. The bad ones might have saved me and the good ones might have been the ones that have stopped me from achieving more. The point being you never know. All I know that my supposed intelligence keeps improving all the time. And the calls I take keep getting better at the logic behind them – mind you I said that the logic behind the call improves; there is no evidence of the call actually improving. Who knows what the best solution is? Sometimes you see the mistake and you say yes – you improve, sometimes you don’t see it. the dangerous ones are the ones you get right and the logic fits correctly. You give yourself a pat on the back and congratulate your logic. Then you use it again, and again and again… your greatest strength becomes your weakness. You use it once too often and the world comes crashing on you. You have been exposed as a one trick pony.
There … now should you change or should you not. That is the question that I am facing. How much should I change? Things that I got right have got me here and the one instance it was used against me. This is getting a little complicated.
Virender Shewag was out in the last test playing the cut shot. One journalist asked him if that was his weakness. That he got out a few times playing it. To which the brilliant uncluttered mind of the batsman answered that the journalist also failed to see the number of runs that he has scored from there. He said that that had been his most productive shot from his arsenal. Should he cut it out?
Hahah. This is so not easy to answer. I guess the answer lies in learning from experiences. You keep at it, trying to think through the choices you made and analyse them. Slowly you might get better at them… not at making choice but making the logic behind the choices.
So can I attempt to sum total the entire post in one line – hmmm…. Let me think…..I think I got it…
life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you gonna get….
Thank you Forest.

But tell me one thing – aren’t the chocolates now coming in colour coded wrappers?

whatever you say

Just watched Alice in wonderland yesterday. Its like any standard fairytale yarn. Myth of the hero by Joseph Campbell anyone. Quite a forgetful movie but it has proved one thing… my eyes are not quite suited for 3D viewing. I have this issue for sometime. The thee dimensional movies give me a nasty headache and I can literally feel my eyes throbbing. It sis almost impossible for me to sit through these movies. I am happier with them in simpler 2D.
Since i kept removing the glasses time to time I wasn’t too engrossed watching the movie. I turned to my daughter who was also sitting at the climax sequence without her googles on. I was wondering if her eyes were hurting as well. I asked her why. She said she did like watching that in 3D. It took me a second to register the issue. It was the climax where the diminutive Alice takes on the over sized dragon bird. The picture was scary enough and she did not want the fireballs and the excitement to leap at her outside the frames. Jispa is a sensitive kid and she is slowly learning the fun of scary movies.
We had heard about the movie and had suitably warned her on the same. we told her that it would have gross stuff. She still insisted on watching it. Earlier we used to take her for the movies and she used to get angry at us for taking us to those movies. I remember Die hard 4 being one. Now we warn her well in advance and she chooses to see or not see the movie. She chose not to see Avataar and this one she chose to see. Hence now she doesn’t blame us anymore and takes more responsibility for her actions. When we ask her about a movie she wants to see the ad first before deciding. She gets her cues on the type of movie from the posters and the imagery. Sometimes she asks us what the movie is about and the basic storyline before deciding.
Once decided she can’t be easily swayed otherwise. We let her pick her movies this way. That does not mean she will invariably like a movie she picks but at least jasmine and me don’t get to shoulder a blame for taking her.
With a strong mind like hers we are quite clear on the fights we want to avoid. If rather be with a friend, grand parents or do something else… so be it.

Random musings of a man who might have found the 'theory' to happiness...

There seems to be a clear trade off between being big and being good. Why is growth a given. Can we choose not to grow and instead focus on values that are close to our hearts? Is it possible to have a simple life and choose not to grow? Is it possible for a company to stay where they are and refuse the opportunity to grow? We tend to judge success by outward size. We tend to believe that size is the only thing that matters. When I look at my career and look with some satisfaction at what I might have achieved / not achieved, what matters? The size of my pay packet, the size of my desk, my team, what? When a company grows larger and larger chasing growth, how do you judge it? The size of its sales, employee force, balance sheet, what?
Whenever I think about this and go home all disturbed, I see my daughter, my wife. The answer is right there… blowing in the wind… (Sorry couldn’t resist that one). Too many businesses pursuing growth and expansion, when they should be pursuing happiness and satisfaction. What is the matrix of human achievement at the end of it all? Happiness and satisfaction. Can growth give you that? This is not meant to be rhetoric.
The point of satisfaction is different for different people. Some will never stop. They are the Chasers. They create jobs, money and income for all. They are valuable for the advance of society as we know it. The ones that see a point and stop are the Anchors. They bring happiness and content to our lives. They bring solidity and support. They help balance the energy. The perfect yin and yan of our lives. As always one must not impose on the other. Families typically do well to have a mix of both in their lives. The Anchor role is typically played by the older and the Chaser role by the younger. Allowing for both philosophies to exist might be an important part of family life. As families get nuclear the importance of retaining this balance is even more important.
Friends play a large role in this as well. We at different points of our lives oscillate between the two. Chase, Anchor. After running like a plucked chicken all day, one recognizes and appreciates the calming influence of a friend who quietly listens and slows down the pace. When being down and out, a friend who encourages you to be up and doing is being the Chaser. You could be a Chaser one moment and an Anchor the next. I doubt if there are people who sit only on one side of the fence, never to traverse the other side.
Understanding that there is a Chaser and an Anchor in you is an interesting part of your self understanding. Realizing that these opposites can exist and that you willfully allow them to exist as well is important. Choosing when to allow which beast to run is THE ART.
While the twains coexist, at a point of decision you must choose. You cannot straddle the middle line. Yes, no or at the best abstain. You may wait till you have the time but given the time for choice a firm choice must be made either way. We face irritation when we do not release that we want to be both. I somehow visualize Tarzan here. He swings from one vine to another. Picture this, Tarzan swinging from one vine holds another and does not let go of either. He is pretty much stuck. Quite a funny picture. I could not resist drawing this. It is a vivid picture in my mind.

I am sure is this position he would be feeling pretty ‘stuck’. Let go of one.

While I say ‘let it go’... a tune got stuck in my head… let it go, let it go, let it go… I kept searching for it and I couldn’t find it anywhere. Till I realized I had got my words and tune mixed up. I was humming – let it snow let it snow let it snow… sure enough… I got it… here you are a Dean Martin classic I assume. I love the tune. And I still like singing… let it go let it go let it go.

win it

What on earth is that? You tell me… the mini magna doodle is quite a handy thing on vacations. Its not too heavy to carry and it allows for millions of nano seconds of time pass.

One game we play is that we think of an object and draw it. The other person has to guess what it from the clues spoken. Like I would draw a fan and say something like ‘its on the ceiling’. But then that’s a simple game. With Jispa if the thinking isn’t lateral it’s not worth thinking.
Let me give you an example.

What is that she has drawn? Go on think a bit. Ok… think again… nopes wrong answer… nopes again. You are wrong.

There has always been the debate of nature versus nurture happening. If it’s the gene pool or the upbringing that has a greater role to play. In Jispa’s case I think both combine to provide a lethal knockout punch.
As a family we have always put a large emphasis on nurture. We have done the simple acceptable things like having Jasmine be a full time mother and not succumb to the bai culture prevalent around us. It does give us less space for ourselves but the trade off in terms of parenting is huge. I too prefer to spend the few spare minutes with my family than in the office.
Just yesterday I was having a heart to heart with a colleague. While her career is on a crossroad, my simple brief to her is to take a call. What is it in life that you truly desire? Do you choose to define yourself by your job or by things other than your job. By definition, your definition would mean a choice. Hopefully a conscious choice. I have chosen not be defined by my job. I would hate doing it. I would fight till the end to define my life with interests outside of it. Making this choice would give my colleague the direction. While one is tempted to straddle two segments, such a strategy is usually fraught with risk and it normally results in confusion or mind fcuk.

But the reverse is also true. My favorite story is of the bumble bee. Folk lore has it that aerodynamically the bumble bee cannot fly. But no one told the bumble bee that. So … it does.

Coming back to Jispa’s games. She keeps drawing vague stuff and makes Jasmine guess it. The drawing is so vague (or should I say lateral) that it could always mean something else and Jasmine would always lose. No matter what you guess, it would not be it.

By the way... the answer to Jispa’s drawing riddle in case you have given up

A handle

Did you get it? Harvard research suggests those who think with their right brain get it in nine tries or less, those who take more than that are left brains. It’s only the nincompoops who give up and are unable to see light. Some don’t see it even on being told the answer. Those are the genuine first rankers.