sixers? mood pe hain.

After two years I played cricket. I had given up on playing cricket after my awe full knee that is impossible to contain on the field. So I was missing in action, till my building guys ganged up and gave me real emotional gyan for me to play in the team. This was the league organized between buildings in the complex.  The last time while batting my knee folded and it was impossible to do anything. This time I thought my knee had improved and I thought I could manage it.

It was obvious that these guys did not know much about field placement and when I took the field I could place the fielders correctly. And this one always works… when I change one fielder and ask him to move a little bit and the next ball comes directly down his throat for a catch. This one happened here as  well and the pretender was clear – I was to set the field and the others simply followed. And that was good fun. You choose who the good fielders are and figure where you want the better guys to stand – who might be a good runner to stop the boundaries and who might be good enough to stay within the circle and who is likely to take skiers that get hit…and of course where are the skiers likely to go to. All this without really knowing who really does what. I have met these guys just about a week back and I hardly got to play anything with them. Once just judges from body types and posture if the guy would be a boundary guy or an inner circle guy.

When I was much younger I wanted to bowl field and bat. Slowly I stopped wanting to bowl. I knew my limitations. I wasn’t too much interested in bowling in any case. With a bad knee and back – I had stopped bowling some time back. Also I hated this no ball issue. I would bowl amazingly well in the trials and the nets where there was no real issue of no balls but I would be horrible in a match situation. Here all hell would break free. I was forever scarred by one match where I kept bowling no balls. So it was only batting for me. Now as an old man – I did not want to go out to bat I was happy sending people one after the other. These guys wanted me to bat but I kept refusing in the two starting games. In a stupid four over game we lost enough wickets for me to go in. I promptly went and ran myself out. What else do you want me to do in the last over of a four over match? Next match I got myself bowled. I was out of touch. Then came the third match. this was against the top team.

Our team got me to place the fielders but we still had two captains. One guy who was the enthu guy who got the entire team together and another guy who was the good player who the other captain. Who was the captain? Between them they were making a mess of the bowling changes and the batting order. In a bloody four over game they were deciding the batting order and the idiots wanted to go one down or two down… same thing in the bowling – some idiot wanted to save his over for the last over as he was expecting some pinch hitting in the end. They actually take the logic of a 50 over match to four overs. In a four over match you just keep hitting. The best batsman come in first and then you use the best bowlers up front so that you take wickets and stop play. So in the third match some idiot gave the worst bowler the second over so that he preserves the best bowler for the last – that too against two in form rampaging batsman. They murdered us. I tried to switch the fielders a bit and get the field right. I got it spot on and got the field right – but all the shots went for sixers – right above the fielder I had kept. There were no boundaries… straight sixes. I was pretty irritated with these idiots.

So while batting first the opposite team made around 65 runs, with bowlers bowling no balls which went for sixes. I came off the field in a different mood. I asked who took decisions and people just shrugged. I saw the team highly demotivated and down. I just got really pissed and asked for the bat and went opening. And it was fun – I smashed two sixes! Then I was out but it set the tone – we still lost but respectfully.

I wondered what made me suddenly perform. It’s the same in badminton – I refuse to raise my game just for no reason. Why should i? I think I behave like this in office as well.  It’s difficult for me to keep my game at a raised level through the game, through the day or through the year. Something has to tick me off or tick me right or some stimulus. I have always been an aggressive person – very very aggressive but I have learnt that aggression is something people use against you. It fundamentally hurts us especially our own health and then it hurts all those around us.

But still I enjoyed. I still hit two more sixers in the next game and I took one really good catch that I was proud of. The team wanted me to lead them the next year. That was fun. But who knows what is there is store next year. Let’s see. But that’s why I like the game. It teaches me a little about myself. And it keeps me constantly guessing. In one match we dropped 4 catches. I kept seeing what I could do. I kept looking around… the fielders were placed in the right places. The miscues were going to the wrong guys and the right guys were making the wrong mistakes. So that felt nice – thinking and making decisions and seeing the results. Once I saw the field, the batsman and thought to myself – oops – a mistake. But I realized it too late and I couldn’t change the field and the next ball went exactly into the area I knew was the hole…. Aaarghh. It’s a bitter sweet then. Bad because there was a boundary and good because you predicted it. hmmm….

its fun growing up with Jispa

A few blogs earlier I had written about the complicated truce in the relationship between Jasmine, Jispa and me. This was as regards Jispa and Jasmine’s fights and other tribulations. On the heels of a truce comes a new low in the relationship between Jispa and me.
Jispa is now growing up. She is not nine years old and aware of herself and the surroundings. She has a mind and she plans to use it. And now she finds me ‘over’. Not as in over meaning the end. But Over as in ‘over doing’ over. It started with the morning wake up. In the morning wake up I used to get inside and smother her with kisses, talk a lot, hug a lot…etc etc… She was complaining the other day that I ‘over’ do it. I should just wake her up by being less aggressive. LESS Aggressive? What the F is that? I thought I was being sweet and this is what she liked. If she wanted I could mom to wake her up. With me she can have the wake up procedure for 10 minutes. Mom will just pull her out of the bed before she knows it, she would be in the bathroom. I thought I was doing her a favor. Bah!
So how does she want to be woken up? She wants to be first told to wake up and then she wants to sleep for some time and then I have to come again. One or two kisses and a hug is ok. No more. Arrrgghhh.
The other day at the swimming competition also she resisted being hugged and kissed by me. She is clearly growing up and I am clearly not letting go. One of us is not maturing. Dam. The thing with kids is that they are designed to break your heart. They will grow up and that’s what you train them for and the first place they use their skills are on you. You teach them to argue logically and they do it on you. You teach them to grow up and be independent and they want independence from you.
So thanks to this growing up pang I have been sulking a bit. So you want to be treated like an adult eh? FINE! I can’t believe I am doing it, but I am seeking revenge. So you want to be treated like an adult eh? So then do this yourself, so that yourself, now do that on time. Etc etc. in fact at one point Jasmine had to rein me in. She knows how hurt I am and how difficult it has been for me. Every time Jasmine and Jispa have a fight, I am the one to restrain them in saying ‘relax, she is a kid’. And now the kid has turned against me and has pretense of growing up.
It’s not easy. It is surely not easy. Very very tough. Growing up with Jispa means constantly adapting, constantly changing your stand, all while remaining ‘consistent’. Man this is so tough. And I don’t like it. Parenting is dam tough. I don’t we signed up for this. This was not written in the brochure. Constant adjusting and adapting is a crazy thing. There are three personalities at play and the fact that these personalities are constantly prone to mood swings, and the fact that the most critical one is growing up every second and new synapses in the brain are being developed as we speak. Her brain would be a flurry of activity. It would do somethings and justify to itself somethings. Keeping it crazy all the time.
So right now Jasmine is learning to let go and I am learning to let go. We are all learning to let go. The question is how much to let go and how much to hold on to. Discipline versus nature’s course. It’s a big challenge. It drains you of all the emotional energy that is there.
One thing is sure, I am happy that I had Jispa when I was about 27 years old. She grew while I was growing. We both grew up together in many ways. It is a good thing to be a relatively younger parent. These are interesting lessons in growing up. Every phase is such a challenge. Let go, don’t let go. You need an almost Zen like Buddhist state of mind to deal with all this. The constant need to change, to think of things as transient, and to focus on the core that is – the relationship based on love and caring and respect. Ufff….
Coming to which... I changed the settings of my blog to being hidden to Google. Jispa is now growing up. Now she will have friends who will do the Google search on friend names. A few of them already tried. Luckily they don’t read the blogs and they searched for the images and Jispa’s image from the blog got thrown up. Another interesting story – one day when I was talking o Jispa about the internet or something, she told me that some friend told her that another friend’s video was on you tube and that she should look it up. I looked it up for her. It was an embarrassing video of the friend as a three year old singing an English song. It was cute while the kid was three years old and embarrassing when the child grew up. So as of now the blog is off Google but accessible through the direct URL. Someday I am sure it will become private and Jispa will ask me to make it accessible by password.
I don’t think it would hurt too much. It’s not like the blog has a massive fan following or something…. But I like it open and I like the stories to reach someone somewhere and who knows what could be impacted, and where. I suddenly remembered this poem I had once attempted to learn for the elocution. Attempted? Ya… I did a bad job and in the trials I just kept forgetting the lines and my teacher was clearly disappointed as she thought I was better than this.

The Bridge Builder
by Will Allen Dromgoole (1860-1934)

An old man, going a lone highway,
Came at the evening cold and gray
To a chasm vast and deep and wide
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.
The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The rapids held no fears for him.
But he turned when safe on the other side
And built a bridge to span the tide.
“Old man,” cried a fellow pilgrim near,
“You’re wasting your time in building here.
Your journey will end with the closing day;
You never again will pass this way.
You have crossed the chasm deep and wide;
Why build you this bridge at even-tide?”
The builder lifted his old gray head.
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said,
“There follows after me today
A youth whose feet must pass this way.
This stream, which has been as naught to me,
To that fair youth may a pitfall be.
He too must cross in the twilight dim —
Good friend, I am building this bridge for him.”

random musings on day one

I don’t know. Just started my week in a terrific edgy mood. I am ready to bite the hand off someone who pisses me off, and ready to hug someone the rest of the world. Fuck man, I am really edgy today. This is in continuation of yesterdays mood. Basically, I am just so tired with being patient with shit that I have lost all energy for shit. I can now just kick hard irrespective of consequences. Not a nice mood to be in but sometimes these moods gets more work done. Just hope not too many people cross my path. After all these years and moving up shitcreek in corporate ladder life has changed soo much. My attitude and tolerance for mediocrity, crap and unwanted nonsense has changed. I was telling someone the other day that I might decide not to play politics and not hurt someone through foul play and hitting below the belt but that does not mean I am a chutia. I will get back if you try and hit me uselessly. I will not proactively hurt the other guy but, I refuse to take shit flung at my face. How simply we define our lives. Lets see today, I hope not to be too abrasive to too many people. But some just have it coming for them, just have it coming. Its just interesting to see two moods coming in together at the same time. Opposites reconciling.

Today was Jispa’s first day at her new school. She cried a bit in the bus, not wanting to go. Today her mommy and me were both present. Tomorrow it going to be only me. Daddy will have to keep a stone on his heart and use all the resources that he has at his disposal to patav her to go without crying. One will have to be extra cautious and extra smart on this one. Will let you guys know what happened.

its really tough for a dad (especially me) to send Jispa crying to school. Even more when Jasmine is there. I want to comfort her and talk to her and when the bus comes in there is time only for one parent not two, and I take a back seat. This is such a 'so not easy' thing to do.