off the offsites

Another offsite. I am so tired of offsites. Tomorrow we are going to Lonavala. My company has grown and I have been a part of that growth story through sheer luck. So I think from a younger age itself, I have been going to offsites as a part of senior or middle management.

Offsites are the worst thing in the world and there is a reason I have never taken my team out for one. We sit in offsites and discuss the future of the company and other rubbish. I have never seen a productive offsite in my life, where we sit and actually ideate on a concrete idea that needs to be implemented and the stuff gets done. Never. Neither do we have offsites where we actually do serious team building games and activities.

My idea of an ideal offsite is a freaking picnic. I would love to take my team to picnic spots and play team building games all day long. Just keep playing tons of fun games. Those offsites I remember and they help in building real bonds and camaraderie. Not these, where we sit inside a five-star hotel banquet area for six or seven hours or even ten hours and don’t see anything around. Yes I have sat for ten hours in closed rooms, discussing god knows what. I really don’t understand why the company needs to take us 100 miles or more away to get us to sit inside a banquet room. It’s easier in office itself.

Thanks to offsites and conferences, I must have been to Goa, at least 20 plus times, without even once really enjoying the place. We could have been in any part of the world but of course I think bosses love thinking that we took the entire large team to GOA! There is a perverse joy in spending good money behind bad conversations.

Bleh. So now what. Nothing. I hitched a ride with my boss to take me there. And his boss is also coming in the same car. So that’s also good company for a great office and lovely start to the day! My boss is actually a nice guy but it fun to bitch about bosses, no matter how nice they are.

Typically, I get so bored in these meetings that I think the boredom is palpable on my face. In fact, I daresay, contempt is visible on my face. I use every opportunity to get out of the room and go somewhere else and do some work elsewhere. Any work. Earlier I used to be the young marketing guy in charge of the offsite, so it made sense for me to leave the room to look busy. I would go and sit outside and do nothing and come back.

Alas now that I am senior enough I can’t do that as well. What a bore. I will have to sit and get involved. Typically, I sit bored till I get all riled up or instigated or something and then  speak my mind which would likely to be controversial or conversation ending. Till some joker again refuses to listen and starts the fighting all over again. ARRGGG – I hate these discussions.

I can’t understand why you need more than three four people to decide strategy. A few decide then take buy in and then relentlessly execute. If I ever become CEO – I would ban all off sites. Total utter wastage. Waste of time, money and holidays. I will be so loved … but then not so… I really think a lot of my colleagues love these offsites. The fake bonhomie, the daaru, the dancing… the painstakingly made bad slides, horrible strategy… I think there are enough amongst us. Enough.

fly buy nostalgia dubai

33 years is a long time. Especially when you are 42.

When we left Dubai for Mumbai it was such a harrowing experience. From a large well protected cocoon to a crazy place of nothing. I wondered if I would ever go back and if ever on what terms. Would I get a job to live back there or visit as a tourist or for any other reason? I remember air travel was such a luxury and the cost of the tickets extremely prohibitive. We never again went by air travel within the country itself, forget going out of the country. It was something that never happened.

Over the years, definitely air travel became more affordable. If I remember right, the prices have fundamentally remained at the same absolute rate even after twenty-thirty years making the trip very affordable, but somehow Dubai always eluded me. With the markets doing well and I am back at my old broking company, when the offsite was announced for Dubai, I smiled to myself. I going home after 33 years. Wow. I was a little 9 year old boy when left Dubai for India. Now I would be going back on official business as a senior executive. Hah!

I am not going to talk about how Dubai has changed. Of course it has. It’s got shit load of wealth and it’s a city that decided to make its income from tourism and construction. Of course it a mad place. Its got some crazy large structures with massive buildings. In fact it’s got the tallest building in the world on top a massive mall. Dubai super sizes everything. Of course it’s changed and I couldn’t recognize anything on the way to the hotel till I saw the World trade Centre building. It was the building that was the tallest at its time. I remember going there with family just to see the building and having an outing around it. We posed for photos around the place. It was 30 odd stories high. Now that building looks like a pygmy with 60 storied buildings everywhere, making me lose a sense of perspective.

We shopped and hopped around Dubai till we had a chance to do a desert safari in the big Toyota SUVs. Those guys took us on the dunes, or as they say, bashing the dunes and skid on them etc. It was fun till one of the cars had a bit of tyre trouble and all the cars just had to park around to help him, in the idle of the desert. That’s when eth real fun started. People climbed on top of the dunes to pose for photos and jump around. That’s when I remembered my childhood. I was on top and the guys were climbing up when I saw this sweet round colleague of mine trying to climb up. I ran down towards him and took him to the ground. Then I ran after another and threw him down. Ad they posed for photos I threw a few more. Soon a few more joined in and it was complete chaos and I felt like a 6 year old all over again. Going up the sand dunes and rolling down with someone. We were full of sand and it was crazy ass fun. The guys who joined in had a whale of a time as well. I grew up to this – playing with gay abandon in the sand or rush into the water in the beach. That’s awesome fun.

Before coming back, I got a chance to catch with an old friend from Dubai. Our families were the best of friends and we grew up together while we were there. I asked him, if he could take me to my old house in Diera. He asked his dad for the exact directions and as we were reaching there, we were just looking around my building. It was a distinctive building as I remember that we had a long corner balcony connecting all the rooms. As my friend showed me the police station which I knew was nearby, I told him take a right here and there – that’s it. That’s my building.

After 33 years you get to see your home which gave you so much joy and fun and pride. It was a nice sweet quiet emotional moment for me. It was a large house with two bedrooms, a dining room, two halls and a kitchen. And the long balcony. We were on the third floor and seeing it was something special. Who knew under what circumstances one would have seen the house. It looked smaller than what I had memories of and the distances across the road seemed small. It’s because I was only a tiny boy of 9 and everything in perspective would have been big. Now it looks smaller.

As we were there all the memories kept flooding back. Three kids in our bedroom. In our respective beds jumping and playing. Running in the hall and balcony. Dad vacuuming the carpet on Sundays. Keeping the AC on every day and running around. Playing cricket in the car parking lot and playing cricket eth Pakistani boys who made a ball out of wrapping an induction tape around itself. I so wanted to go up and see the place. It’s a good thing we didn’t have time.

BTW – Jispa asked for stroop waffles and Pofaki from Dubai. She never asks for much and so for her I got 72 Stroopwaffles and 25 packs of Pofaki. Jasmine thought that I was over doing it. Hah! Of course. I am  dad. It’s my job to over do it.

leading to victory!

One more weekend and one more ‘training offsite’. I do tend to think that these traiing programs are highly over rated and boring. Though like any book, no matter how bad it is, it is never a complete waste. This time it was only for top management. So now we have senior shit with one person per room. So how do we up this further for the even more senior people. We have Suites for them.. Corporate India never ceases to amaze me. Cut to the activity.
The activities are always fun. Far better than the yappity yappity talking that happens in closed rooms. It is interesting to see the people trying hard to understand the games and trying to win them. They try so hard to win. One of the games we played required us to take an estimate of the score before we start the game. The other team had played it before we did and all we wanted to do was beat them. The people try and the way we stop listening is crazy. We try so hard. Competition pushes us to extremes. We stop thinking clearly and start pushing. We assume stuff that never was. We start distrusting. In another game, which required all the players to survive wasn’t actually a winning game. It was a survival game where if all survive all win. People did not understand that as well. They thought it’s an ‘us versus them’ and started by not trusting and by not sharing resources. I was in a team that was supposed to be mute and was stranded on an island surrounded by acid. The only way out was to get the acid proof tiles that the blind team had on another island. That required the lame team to direct the blind team to come to us with the tiles. So obviously the only thing we could do was wait till they come to us. Relax till then. I sat down to bide my time, relax till the tiles came. Post which I knew I had to scramble like hell. It was a bit amusing to see my team mates gesturing and clapping and tryuing to explain stuff to everyone. Getting all excited. When the tiles came I swung into action and was super fast enough to get the tiles to all the stranded players. In time to ensure all win. That’s all that there was to it. Simple stuff. no rocket science. I don’t know if the guys thought I was not a team man when I was relaxing and biding my time, when there was really nothing to be done by us. Relax and wait till the tile comes to us. Post which we run like hell.
I realised an important truth this offsite. Well it is a truth to me. The jaimitism is coined thus – winning and leadership are so over rated. We are so blinded by this thing about leading to victory that we fail to see the process. You don’t really have to win. Teaching Jispa I realised that its not about winning. It is about the process of play. Every time I try and drill it into Jispa – the Olympic credo – when a great sportsperson comes to write against your name, he writes not whether you won or lost but how you played your game. If your process is right and you have done your best, the result will be in your favour. You don’t have to win. Look at yourself, your own limitations and always use that as a pressure tool. Not winning. Sure in a competitive sport you have to out run and out perform to win. And I am not saying that one must be a wimp but if you focus your energies towards yourself and not the opposition then the game is won there itself. You fight hard, every point every game, but you aren’t really fighting him or her, you must be fighting yourself. The opposition is a useful benchmark, but it is not the end.
Similarly leadership. It is so bloody overrated. We understand it as rubbish inspiration and motivation. I think true leadership is exactly what it is not. It is listening to a lot of people. It is getting involved only at grave risk. It is by making yourself almost dispensable. Letting people do what they want to but only being the guide and using your experience to suggest. If you know it well enough then being an example always helps :).
But both of these are so tough to follow. You want to win, you want to lead. At least the kind of personality I am. Severely competitive and severely pushy. I can’t not try. And thanks to my pushing I end up being in a leadership role.
But also I realised that I have matured over the years. I come into my own with people who look upto me. In situations where more than one leader emerges I tend to be quite about the whole thing. Almost disinterested. I guess people feel that I have tuned off, but I haven’t. I only see the futility of multiple leadership. I know if I open my mouth I would be forceful and dominating. That would just upset everything a bit. It is not a battle I wish to fight at this level. And hence my silence.
It is similar when bosses refuse to listen. Too many hot heads will spoil whatever broth was being cooked.
So I try and conquer my urges to win and my urges to lead. Its not easy for me. funny nah. I get this realisation as a truth and I also do not follow it. But I am improving. Slowly slowly I am getting to see the benefits of being stable and level. The benefits of process and pain as opposed to the pain from ‘competing and leading’. I think that this has also come about thanks to me switching sports and taking up swimming. It is a meditative state of sorts. Me swimming against myself. My own technique being used by me to improve and push myself.
Or I am just getting old, hopefully wiser hehehe. .. whatever.

its not just a room, is it?

Back to work after a little tired weekend. We were off for an office offsite to Lonavala. This was a complete bonding offsite which required us to come and do some team activity. This always happens over the weekend. So we left on Friday evening for a three hour drive. We were put up at a resort that was high up on the hill. So at a point the big bus cannot go any further and one needs to get into a SUV or a smaller bus. The end location ended up being quite cool. It is quiet a scenic resort and there is nothing all around except other green hills. Lonavala is being developed like crazy with scores of Mumbai dwellers buying holiday homes in the hill station. The concept of buying a holiday home has really caught on in the last few years. Let’s see how it pans out and whether Lonavala will actually be a buzzing place (defeating the holiday home purpose) or be a desolate ghost town with unkempt and inhabited properties.
The resort we stayed was over multiple levels and okay rooms. More like a good three star property. It was pretty pricey and given the cheap guy I am, this might be the property I might only go free of cost. I wouldn’t pay 10 k per night (inclusive of meals) for something like this. Jasmine and I have learnt the fun of staying in cheap but nice, warm and comfy places. You might not get the great view out of your window when you get up but it might have lots of walks, a bench from where you get the view, or be close to the action in the city. No point paying for a travel and staying in a resort all day cooped up – enjoying the view!
I have been to many company offsites. They tend to be fun if you know the group you are travelling with. It’s most boring when you have joined in fresh and are supposed to let your hair down. After 6 years in the same firm I was pretty cool with the gang. As usual, the suff was all about pulling legs, going through with the activity, ending in a drunken disco party with all sorts of songs being played and all night card parties. Nothing too exciting but nothing so really boring. The only thing is that you end up missing your family. Nice place, nice hotel, good view but no family.
Hmmm. In offsites you normally get to share a room with some colleague of yours. There will always be two to a room. And normally you can’t decide who you would be sharing the room with. That is preordained by the human resources or whoever is organising the offsite. It is up to their great achieved wisdom, that no one can really decipher, who on earth will be sharing with whom. I don’t really blame them either. They have this task and I don’t really fault them, whichever logic they use. I would assume that rarely would lots be taken. It’s normally placed according to some hidden agenda. If it is cross functional bonding then it does make sense to mix the functions in the rooming lists. I personally believed that it would be pretty cool to mix seniority. The junior gets valuable interaction time with the senior and the senior gets a hands on update from a junior’s perspective. So many times such simple stuff is missing in offices.
But this bonding thing always had a catch. The senior guys get rooms all to themselves. Exclusive. I always found that funny. Rather brhaminical. Why would the senior get the room as single occupancy and the juniors need to bond with another? I hated the concept and I kind of might have been jealous of the guys. In any case I never recommended nor endorsed it. For me, my great example was once when we were in Goa and my room for the night wasn’t fixed. My big boss was put up at a five star venue where the event was happening. He asked me to spend the night with him in the room. That would have saved the company some money for sure. I think it was a nice gesture. Not too many CEOs I have seen do this. An exclusive room is something to treasure and relish like other privelges like cabins, office décor, the type of dustbin (true), the laptop or car or whatever. To top it, not is the room exclusive, it is also normally an upgraded room. Better showers, possibly a bath tub, a sitting area perhaps, or even a gallery. Anything to separate from the pelebs underneath.
So this time around when we arrived I rushed in to the reception on whom would I be sharing the room with a bad drunk who snores at night could be disaster to your sleeping plans. As I made it through the crowd which was doing the same, checking the rooming list and calling out to their partners, I asked for my room number and partner. Voila – sir, this is your room. Ya, with whom am I sharing. Whoops. Single occupancy. Hah! I am a senior ass now. Ok. Let’s got to the room. I enter the room to find a sitting area, an executive table, a dining table, a balcony and a separate bedroom. Oh shit. I immediately asked the guy “are all rooms like this?’ he replied in affirmative. I checked with my neighbours. Nopes I was the lucky one. They had rooms that were tiny and their bathrooms did not have a bath tub. Though I kind of wondered what’s the point of having a bath tub, especially when there was no stopper on it. This was embarrassing. I was getting a dose of stuff that I resented other getting.
As some pelebs came in for some or the other reason, they would remark on the room size and I would be even more apologetic. If having single occupancy was not enough embarrassment.
But these things are not going to change in a hurry. I don’t think it will ever change. Organisations will always reward seniority in visible ways. They need not be practical or economical. They will always remain so.
When I am travelling I prefer people having their own rooms. It’s often enough for you to give and get personal space. But on an offsite where binding is an important deliverable, I see no point.
But I kind of realised that after spending over 12 years working your butt off, an exclusive room on an offsite is a small perk that tells you… in a smallish way… that you have begun arriving. Now why would I need a dam room to tell me that. That’s the job of my boss.

superman in action

Stop press: we have photos of the spider game we played.

Here is the basic game. You can see the net and that you have to pass people through the net without touching the net itself. This is the most popular way to do it. And once on the other side you cannot come back to this side, hence in the end there will be one man standing.


So either an easy hole gets left behind or you resort to superman…. the guy with the hat is the trainer looking in disbelief.

superman in spider shadow

Just went for another training program over the weekend. This time it was an outbound training program. I don’t what the objectives were but it sure is better than being cooped up in a conference room with no light coming in, both from the sun and the speaker. Out in the open one can be assured of at least one source.
The games were good but the debriefs were quite pathetic. One should have short focussed group with clear objective based discussions; that would take the group forward. But the highlight for me was that while being amongst the oldest I managed to attack all the activities with some of the highest levels of enthusiasm and gusto. Yes that itself is no indicator of performance, only an indicator of intent but, I was the top performer in almost every activity. As I was explaining to someone, these games are tailor made for me. I have some higher than average sense of visual reasoning and most of the problems are typically that. So while others would argue I would see the solution in an instant. But sometimes I wonder why the others don’t really get it so fast. It is not that difficult. The gap cannot be that high. Am I dumb to be surrounded by dimwits or it’s a case of people being different from me. I dunno, but at least my benchmarks on all these activities were not those around but others who I consider top class in their fields.
One of the greatest moments for me was an ego boosting one. We played a game which is called the spider web (I think). Basically each team of about 12 is taken to what looks like a set up badminton net. The net is made up of rope tied around in a way that it has many holes of various sizes extending till about a foot from the ground. The team has to cross over to the other side through the net without touching it. Each hole can be used only once. The first guy takes the easy hole and then helps collect the people that we pass on horizontally over to the other side. Soon the easy ones gets taken and the light ones pass over. With some difficulty more pass. As we were passing more and more people over I was one the last one left. The only possible hole was one that was about 2 feet wide and two and half foot tall. It was around five feet from the ground. What to do. In a rush of blood I went back, ran hard and jumped… right through the hole like superman. I landed softly on the other side with my palms breaking the fall. I had done it. There… easy a pie (this is a mixed up phrase, no?) After the team went ecstatic I realised what I had done. The trainer said that this is the first time he had seen something like this. He made everyone clap for me etc etc… Everybody was talking about it for a long time. Those who missed it, regreted it and told me as such. Even they were animatedly talking about the jump as if it happened before their very eyes. I truly realised what I had done the next day, when one of the staff who worked at the site came up to me to ask “sir, have you done commando training anywhere?” “err.. no… why?” “the way you jumped over the web. We thought you had done something like that so I wanted to join such a course”. .. WTF, I am now a freak stunt man. I told him that “it just happened and there was no way I was trying something like that again. Just be fit and agile and you will be able to do it as well” Testosterone is a stupid thing. It clouds your better judgement. Imagine one leg getting stuck in the net and you could be left dangling like a bat caught in a spider’s web. It looked good because it was pulled off else it would be pretty dumb thing to do. Kids – don’t try this at home. It was performed by an experienced dumb ass. It was just his lucky day.

training your sights on....

Training programs are like books. Even the worst ones will teach you something. I just came back from one marketing modelling one. The prof was an ex Unilevers guy with a strong theoretical base in research. His research bit was good but his marketing bit was a quite a let down. Anyone who gives examples from a Kotler marketing text book that is at least 15 years old is an issue. I wonder why people refuse to acknowledge that the world has moved on and upgrade themselves accordingly. It would have also helped to have stuck to core subjects in which you have obvious expertise. You are not teaching kids. Some of us are practioners with ten years of hard core experience.
But not all hope was lost. We had some really funny guys coming from MTV. That was some redemption. We had a character called Shantanu who is much smarter than he would like to admit. While it would kill him to admit as much he did get some of the stuff faster than others in the room. Add to that an outstandingly irreverent sense of humour, the three days went off far better than most training I have been to.
Of course it did help that he and me were in the same team trying to blast the others in the marketing game.
One realisation that has dawned upon me in recent years is that one need not be ready to win at all times. Relax and have fun while you are at it. Our team was the funniest of all. We were also the simplest of all. We did not do too much excel analysis, we had no issues with dissension and we had no arguments on way forward. I think the fact that we allowed for every one to have an opinion and the freedom to implement it was what worked. Whenever someone had a strong view we ensured that we did not go ahead till he was convinced on the decision we took or we took his word forward. We had some teams voting and some teams fighting and some teams pointing fingers, while we laughed like crazy with no such pointing contests. We had inherited in the game a bloated sales force which we did not trim as we had a parsi in the team who thought its not nice to fire. We agreed on a pricing strategy and closed conversation because the lights flickered. What’s that got to do with pricing? Nothing by itself and everything if you believe it was the message of god. When numbers came for every period, the only real thing I saw was sales and most importantly closing stock. If that’s good then you are doing a fine job. We quickly realised that there are four distinct segments and that there should be four distinct positions. Once we got that going, we didn’t change a dam thing.
The thing to learn in real life is that it’s really not so complicated. Look at a few figures you can understand and those that are fundamentally important. Rest will follow. It pains me to see so many people paralysed by analysis.
We were open about our serendipity at the post games presentations and I hope the others figured out that it’s not really that complicated. Like I was telling a younger contestant - most of the time you probably know the answer when you first have a look at the data, but when you anlayse it too much, think of creative methods, etc etc… you probably miss the wood for the trees.
Marketing or even strategic decisions are often common sense. A simple analysis should show you the broad direction, and a thumb rule might be that if it takes too much to understand then it is just that – too much to understand.
Another thing that comes with age is that you get to go for more and more places where you are the average spoiler. It is great fun to see what makes them tick and what works and does not for them. Meeting young minds is as important as meeting older ones. One tells you what was, the other, what will.
A case of opposites reconciling?

like I was telling the HR - the training was good, but for the wrong objectives.

and ya... did i tell you. we outsold everyone and got some huge brand shares and remained highly profitable. Trainers dont like to declare winners, but I reckon we won.

leadership durc

One of the nice things that happened at the offsite that I got to learn / relearn some of the leadership principles. We were divided into 4 groups for a treasure hunt around a 4 km hike. Decently tuff hike for amateurs. I managed to weasel my way into a team that I believed had decent guys. These guys were not necessarily the fittest, but they were definitely more fun types and not so much pain types. The philosophy is simple – people do not need to be motivated, they just need to be shielded from demotivation. The team had the basic skills and fitness. So all they needed was someone NOT to push them too hard. On their own pace they reached the finish line – not only the first but also the fastest that the resort had ever seen. 1 hour 30 minutes as opposed to the previous record of 1 hour 42 minutes. I was appointed the leader at the start. I tried not to ‘lead’ too much. Just ensured the right guys were doing what they wanted to do. But more importantly I was just spending time with the last person on the group. Knowing the typical treasure hunts that resorts have, I knew that the clues won’t be too much rocket science. So the pay off will be on the whole group finishing about the hike about the same time. So I let the group move ahead and only pushed the last person by singing and pace setting. I was sure the catch up would be simpler in the down slopes at the latter part of the race. We won by a handsome margin. But also importantly I refused to push anyone too hard. It’s after all just a simple race. If people know their job, have the basic skills and have a desire to win then that’s all that’s required. Don’t push …. Just try and remove any demotivation and be with the guys slower than the group. Mind you the slower guy might be faster than the rest of the teams. And VOILA… good team. A lot of good individuals by themselves, left to themselves will present outstanding results. The aggregate has to be good, not individual brilliance. There might be a whole host of lucky breaks (black swan problem) to help us. But still, some principles improve what luck gives… After all opportunities are every where – its up to your understanding to capture them and max them.

Also another thing I love is taking lots of photographs. I don’t like taking tooo much scenery, I prefer portraits and the various moods that can be captured. Lots of guys love the photographs. But you know what irks me more – after seeing the snaps they ask me which camera I have… and they praise the camera. Oh bloody hell… just by taking Tendulkars bat you can’t hit Warne for a six. Mine is a nice camera, agreed, but it’s not the most expensive one. I love it when people love the photos. I love taking their snaps and then gifting it to them. People are so beautiful when they are normal.. and that’s the time to take their pics. Else they must be put in odd poses that they enjoy for best effects…