Lets start with something crazy
Reality is what we take to be true,” pioneering
physicist David Bohm asserted
in 1977. “What we take to be true is what we believe. What we believe is
based upon our perceptions. What we perceive depends on what we look for. What
we look for depends on what we think. What we think depends on what we
perceive. What we perceive determines what we believe. What we believe
determines what we take to be true. What we take to be true is our reality.”
What I take to be true and what I therefore believe my
reality to be is largely shaped by the one man in my life that I met and had
the good fortune to work with. Dharen Chaddha. I worked only for a year with
him in consulting only to come to a conclusion that consulting is not the thing
for me. I would much rather prefer the boring life of a working doer than an
intellectual life of a great consulting master.
But the main point is that Dharen gave me almost all the
intellect that I claim to enjoy today. The best part was that he did not do it
by trying to teach me or by trying to inculcate something in me. He was just
there. He did what he did and I could just not help but be affected by it. His
presence was enough. I merely worked with me and then later on inculcated in
myself all that I thought I could learn from him. Reflection, silence, thought,
ability to paraphrase conversations, patience, taking people along, using
wisdom received from others, actively listening, believing in the books people
write… everything. In short, I would say I learnt to think from him. That is
the greatest gift anyone can give anyone else. The learning on how to think.
How to approach, how to behave…
I am an atheist or an agnostic, but I have a God, and I have
met him. He stays in Bangalore.
I haven’t had the chance to meet Dharen in the 13 years
since I left the firm. How could I? What does one do when one meets God? How
can I talk to him? What do I talk to him? I would feel so weak and so dead.
What would happen when I meet him. Hence I must have spoken to him only a few
times in the 13 years. But I never ever had the guts to ever meet him.
Hero worship is a funny thing. You can worship someone
forever and have a dronacharya – eklavya relationship but when they come in
front of you, you don’t know what to do. Dharen is my hero. I want to think
like him, work like him, communicate like him. I am nowhere near as good as
him, but I want to try and bring in the best of what I can inside of me, what I
have learnt from him.
So this time, I was with family in Bangalore, I messaged him
and he promptly called back. With family, I had an incentive… I wanted Jispa to
meet him once. I wanted to show her my God, my inspiration and a lot of credit
for what and where we are right now. So we did plan to meet him. I asked Jispa
“you want to meet my God?” I told her about Dharen. She knew a bit and she knew
that I treat him thus. She was ok. I explained to her that he was the greatest
influence on my life and my thought so far and I would love for her to meet him
once, at least. She was game.
When we went there, as we were reaching I was wondering how
I would react. The mere thought of him would bring tears to my eyes. Now I know
what Elvis fans would feel like. Many times whenever I have spoken about him to
anybody or thought deeply about him, I can’t help the tears that come in my
eyes. I choke up and it’s difficult to control. So I was wondering how I would
survive meeting him. What would happen, would I just break up, would I just
collapse, what would happen.
As we reached his home, he came outside to greet us. There I
had to fight back my emotions and stop myself form crying out then and there.
Jasmine noticed it and then spoke about it. Ya. That one was tough. So I
managed to stay ok meeting him after a long time. !3 years.
The meetings went off well. We chatted on a few things. I
have always believed that he struggles to talk to common people. It is difficult
for people like him to come down to our level, though I am sure this is
something that he will surely not agree to. But I have seen him, think and
wonder what to tell or talk. Then he would make his point and it would be laborious
as he tries to explain the point he is making, carefully choosing his words. If
the person on the other side is not quite as sharp then it would result in a
really funny conversation. At momentum, we would laugh at the client’s inability
to grasp Dharen’s words of wisdom. People have to move up to appreciate it and
to completely grasp the complexity that he brought to the table with his words.
Clients struggled, normal people struggled and that was one of the points that I
knew was the final clincher as I decided not to consult anymore. If people can’t
take the wisdom of Dharen, then I have no chance here. I could not meet anymore
jokers and try and convince them on the intelligence of marketing or business strategy.
In many ways I thought he was too intelligent and way too sharp for the clients
he was consulting.
I then asked if I could show Jispa the study room. Dharen
said “sure, but the study room has been shifted to a new room, but let’s see it
nevertheless”. We took Jispa up and while we were going up I was telling her
about an experience that made me think of Dharen as some kind of super human.
We were working on a project in his study that was full of books and then he
suddenly asked me to remove one book, that he pointed out. It was “Eldest
Son: Zhou Enlai and the Making of Modern China, 1898-1976”. He then took the book and read a few pages
from the start and then pointed out to the paragraph he wanted from it and then
he asked me to read it. I was dumb struck. It was one book out of the millions
he had read and he just picked it from nowhere and then it was a paragraph from
this thick book that had struck him. And he had the ability to get it back
again. This was Dharen for me. This was the genius I would revere and I would
never be able to match up to. This was the legend that I passed onto Jispa.
Then he led us to the
study where a smaller fraction of the books where there. As we just walked
around, Jispa pointed out to the book – the eldest son. Yes it was there. The same
book, that made the legend in my mind. I picked it up and looked at where I had
found the passage. There it was – the passage, with a blue pen mark. I showed
it to Jispa, there it’s still here, and this is the very same book. At this
point or hereabouts, I broke down. Literally broke down.
At this point I just
couldn’t control. I was laughing but I was crying also at the same time. It was
weird, crying for no reason; a surfeit of emotions running through. I couldn’t pick
any reason I should cry except that I was in the company of my God.
What a moment – My daughter
on one side, my guru on the other and the book of the legend in my hand and Jasmine
looking on.
Afterwards I asked
Jispa about it. I don’t think I have cried in front of my daughter before. She
said ya – you were laughing and crying at the same time. Short of fainting, she
said that I probably behaved like what her friend would if would have met her
rock star hero. Yup. Dharen is just that for me.
I was happy that the
family met him. I don’t think there would too many instances later. Jispa must
know who was one of the most important influence in my life and by that logic –
a largish influence on her life.
--
When Dharen saw the
paragraph in the book that I was referring to he said – Yes. Zhou Enlai was
shaped this way as he was the eldest son. I resonated it with that paragraph
perhaps because I was also ‘the eldest son’ and that’s why it had an impact on
me.
The paragraph from
the book -
“Why, why did people love him?” one of two
American newsmen asks me that evening. “After all, he made a lot of mistakes.
Why is it that people weep when they speak of him?”
It is difficult to say why. Except that, somehow,
because of him, we all felt life was worth living. Even when everything went
wrong. “Perhaps because he never forgot to care. Even his mistakes were because
he cared. He couldn’t help caring. It was bred in him. He was the eldest son.”
Eldest son, eldest grandson. In the Confucian
scholar families of China, the eldest son was marked out for uncommon
responsibility and duties. The eldest son, or failing him, the eldest grandson,
must provide care and education for all the younger male children in the same
generation as himself and for their offspring. He must also provide comfort, food,
and lodging to the two generations above him, parents and grandparents. He must
be a model. A model of filial piety, of traditional virtue, upholding family
honor and status, sacrificing himself always so that the family will thrive.
He is the embodiment of the Confucian
tradition, the magic bond with the past, his life one of unending care,
responsibility and abnegation.
Tsunghuai, a young man of forty, says to me,
“I think that Zhou Enlai, throughout his life, was unconsciously marked by the
fact that he was eldest son, eldest grandson.”
A lot of this I
think is me but the problem is that I am the youngest son, the youngest grandson.
While I grew up I believed that I must be the model of filial piety, of traditional
virtue… blah blah…. So that the family will thrive. But there was one problem.
I was the youngest son, the youngest grandson. On both sides. The youngest son
has a different role to play. He has to be the rebel, the growth, the ability
to push it all out. But I was different. I was confused. I held values that
were not expected of me. I had a tough time I think in the end trying to
balance the two opposites of what I feel and what I should be.
I think a lot of
this is the opposites reconciling inside of me when I go about my teaching. I
am the older guy but also the youngest cool son. I should have the ability to
relate to the kids while giving sage advice as to what to do in life. I think
as I grow older I am probably losing that deft touch and that ability to
connect with the kids. There is an age a life stage and a role. These need to
be relevant to each other to create an impact. I think I had my chance while I was
really young and learning along with my teaching these kids. I think I must
reinvent myself and look beyond what got me here. What got me here will get me
there. Possibly I have to change it just a little, not too drastic, just a
little change here, a little there. So I continue to be relevant but yet retain
my core that makes me, me.
Gowing up is
reinventing yourself every few years, trying to manage the change around you so
that a little of you is there while a lot of you is changed. Or risk being
irrelevant to the environment around you.
